IRVING'S KNICKERBOCKER. 

RIVERSIDE EDITION. 

» 

WITH DESIGNS BY DABLEY. 



KMICMRBDCKIE S NEW YOKE. 



BY WASHINGTON IRVING. 




PHILADELPHIA 
J. B. LIPPING OTT & CO. 



A 

HisTOKY OF New Yokk, 



FROM THE 

BEGINNING OF THE WORLD TO THE END 
OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY; 

CONTAINING, AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, TM 
UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OP WALTER THE DOUBTER, THE 
DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND 
THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER THE 
HEADSTRONG ; THE THREE DUTCH GOV- 
ERNORS OP NEW AMSTERDAM ; 

BEING THE 

ONLY AUTHENTIC IIISTOIIY OF THE TIMES THAT WVBB 
HATH BEEN OR EVER WILL BE PUBLISHED. 



BY 

DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER^ g.| a^v^ a 

35e tt>aar()ci& ^te in tJiit^fer tag, 
S)ic fomt met t(aav(;eit> aan i>«n ^ag. 



THE AUTHOR'S REVISED EDITION 
COMPLETE IN ONE VOLUME. 



PHILADELPHIA : 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO. 
1873. 



. I 



Bntered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1864, hj 

George P. Putnam, 

In this Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District oi 
New York. 







s^ 



PAOI 

I'lIE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY 15 

ORIGINAL ADVERTISEMENTS 21 

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR 23 

ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC 35 

BOOK I. 

CONTAINma DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECOIA 
TIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, 
AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Chap. I. — Description of the World 43 

Chap. II. — Cosmogonj'-, or Creation of the World; with, 
a multitude of excellent theories, by Avhich the crea- 
tion of a world is shown to be no such difficult mat- 
ter as common folk would imagine 51 

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noah, was 
shamefully nicknamed; and how he committed an 
unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. 
With the great trouble of philosophers caused there- 
by, and the discovery of America 62 

Chap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty philosophers 
have had in peopling America — and how the Abo- 
rigines came to be begotten by accident — to the great 
relief and satisfaction of the Author 70 

Chap. V. — In which the Author puts a mighty question 
to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon 
— which not only delivers thousands of people from 
great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this in- 
troductory book 79 



BOOK 11. 

TBEATING OP THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OP NIEUW- 

NEDERLANDTS. 

Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a 
man should not write in a hurry — Also of Master 
Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country 
— and how he was magnificently rewarded by the 
munificence of their High Mightinesses 98 



g CONTENTS. 



Chap. II. — Containing an account of a mighty Ark 
which floated, under the protection of St. Nicholas, 
from Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of the 
strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, and a 
description of the ancient village of Communipaw, . Ill 

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making 
a bargain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of cer- 
tain heroes of Communipaw 119 

Chap. IV. — How the heroes of Commimipaw voyaged to 

Hell-gate, and how they were received there 128 

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned 
somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage 
Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
dreamed 141 

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and 

of the founding of the great cit^'of New Amsterdam 147 

Chap. VII. — How the people of Pavonia migrated from 
Communipaw to the island of IManna-hata — and how 
OIotFe the Dreamer proved himself a great land-spec- 
ulator 150 

Chap. VIII. — Of the founding and naming of the new 
city — of the City Arms; and of the direful feud be- 
tween Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches 154 

Chap. IX. — How the city of New Amsterdam waxed 
great under the protection of St. Nicholas and the 
absence of laws and statutes — how Oloffe the Dream- 
er begun to dream oi an extension of Empire, and of 
the efifect of his dreams 161 



BOOK III. 

fN WHICH IS KECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWItLKB. 

Chap. I. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his 
unparalleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable 
wisdom in the law-case of Wandle Schoonhoven and 
Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of the 
public thereat ]()9 

Vaikv. II. — Containing some account of the grand council 
of New Amsterdam, as also divers especial good phil- 
osophical reasons why an Alderman should be fat — 
with other particulars touching the state of the prov- 
ince 180 

Chap. III. — How the town of New Amsterdam arose out 
of mud, and came (o be marvellously polished and 
polite — together with a picture of tlie manners of 
our great-great-grandfathers 191 



CONTENTS. 



PAQl 

Chap. IV. — Containing farther particulars of the Golden 
Age, and what constituted a tine Lady and Gentle- 
man in the days of Walter the Doubter 20C 

Chap. V. — Of the founding of Fort Aurania — Of the 
mysteries of the Hudson — Of the arrival of the Pa- 
troon Killian Van Rensellaer; his lordly descent 
upon the earth, and his introduction of club-law. . . . 207 

Chap. VI. — In which the reader is beguiled into a de- 
lectable walk, which ends very differently from what 
it commenced 21 1 

Chap. VII. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people 
of Connecticut and thereabouts — showing, more- 
over, the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and 
a curious device among these sturdy barbarians, to 
keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote 
population 217 

Chap. VIII. — How these singular barbarians turned out 
to be notorious squatters. How they built air-castles, 
and attempted to initiate the Ne'derlunders in the 
mystery ol' bundling 223 

Chap. IX. —How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully be- 
leaguered — how the renowned Wouter fell into a 
profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated 229 



BOOK IV. 

CONTAmiNQ THE CHRONICLES OP THE REIGN OP WILLIAM THE TESTT 

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in general; — 
containing furthermore the universal acquirements of 
William the Testy, and how a man may learn so 
much as to render himself good for nothing 237 

Chap. II. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer 
by proclamation — how he was a great man abroad, 
but a little man in his own house 244 

Chap. HI. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a 
ruler of universal genius — The art of fighting by 
proclamation — and how that the valiant Jacobus 
Van Curlet came to be foully dishonored at Fort 
Goed Hoop ". 218 

Chap. IV. — Containingthe fearful wrath of William the 

Testy, and the alarm of New Amsterdam — how the 

Governor did strongly fortify the City — Of Antony 

the Trumpeter, and the windy addition to the armo- 

. rial bearings of New Amsterdam 254 

Chap. V. — Of the Jurisprudence of William the Testy, 
and his admirable e-xpedients for tiie suppression of 
pove"ty 260 



iO CONTENTS. 



PAOI 

Chap. VI. — Projects of William the Testy for increasing 
the currency — he is outwitted by the Yankees — 
The great Oj'ster War 266 

Chap. VII. — Growing discontents of New Amsterdam 

under the government of William the Testy 272 

Chap. VIII. — The edict of William the Testy against 
Tobacco — Of the Pipe Plot, and the rise of Feuds 
and Parties 275 

Chap. IX. — Of the folly of being happ}' in the time of 
prosperity — Of troubles to the South brought on by 
annexation — Of the secret expedition of Jansen Al- 
pendam, and his magnificent reward 281 

Chap. X. — Tj-oublous times on the Hudson — How Kil- 
lian Van Rensellaer erected a feudal castle, and how 
he introduced club-law into the province 28G 

Chap. XI. — Of the diplomatic mission of Antony the 
Trumpeter to the Fortress of Rensellaei*stein — and 
how he was puzzled by a cabalistic reply 290 

Chap. XII. — Containing the rise of the great Amphic- 
t^'onic Council of the Pilgrims, with the decline and 
final extinction of William the Testy 294 



BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OP PETER STUYVESANT, 
AND ms TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTyONIC COUNCIL. 

Chap. I. — In which the death of a great man is shown 
to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow — and 
how Peter Stuyvesaiit acquired a great name from the 
uncommon strengtli of his head 'iOl 

Chap. II. — Showing liow Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
himself among the rats and cobwebs on enterino; into 
office; his interview witli Antony the Trumpeter, and 
his perilous meddling with the currency J 10 

Chap. III. — How the Yankee League waxed more and 
more potent; and how it outwitted the good Peter in 
treaty-making 315 

Chap. IV. — Containing divers speculations — showing 

that a treaty of peace is a great national evil 322 

Chap. V. — How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied 
by the great council of the League; and how he sent 
Antony the Trumpeter to take to the council a piece 
of his mind 330 

Chap. VI. — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a court of 
honor — and what the court of honor awarded to 
him 336 



CONTENTS. 11 

PAOl 

Chap. VII. — How "Drum Ecclesiastic" was beaten 
throughout Connecticut for a crusade against the 
New Netherlands, and how Peter Stuyvesant took 
measures to fortify his Capital 338 

Chap. VIII. — How the Yankee crusade against the 
New Netherlands was baffled by the sudden outbreak 
of witchcraft among the people of the East 345 

Chap. IX. — Which records the rise and renown of a 
Military Commander, showing that a man, like a 
bladder, may be puffed up to greatness by mere 
wind ; together with the catastrophe of a veteran and 
his queue 351 

BOOK VI. 

OONTAININQ THE SECOND PART OP THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEAI>- 
STRONQ, AND mS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. 

Chap. I. — In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of 
the great Peter — of the windy contest of General 
Van Poffenburgh and General Printz, and of the 
Mosquito War on the Delaware 361 

Chap. II. — Of Jan Risingh, his giantfy person and crafty 

deeds; and of the Catastrophe at Fort Casimir 368 

Chap. III. — Showing how profound secrets are often 
brought to light; with the proceedings of Peter the 
Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes of Gen- 
eral Van Poffenburgh 376 

Chap. IV. — Containing Peter Stuyvesant s Voyage up 
tlie Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that 
renowned river 385 

Chap. V. — Describing the powerful Army that assem- 
bled at the city of New Amsterd;Mn — together with 
the interview between Peter the Headstrong and 
General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments 
touching unfortunate great men 394 

Chap. VI. — In which the Author discourses very ingen- 
iously of himself — after which is to be found much 
interesting history about Peter the Headstrong and 
his followers 402 

Chap. VII. — Showing the great advantage that the 
Author has over his Reader in time of Battle — 
together with divers portentous movements; Avhich 
betoken that something terrible is about to happen. 413' 

Chap. VIII. — Containing the most horrible battle ever 
recorded in poetry or prose; Avith tiie admirable ex- 
ploits of Peter the Headstrong 421 



12 CONTENTS, 



PASI 

Chat. IX. — In which the Author and the Reader, while 
reposing after the battle, fall into a very grave dis- 
course, after which is recorded the conduct of Peter 
Stuyvesant after his victory 434 



BOOK VII. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OP PETER THE HEADSTRONB 
— HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND 
FALL OP THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 

Chap. I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign 
People from the burden of taking care of the nation; 
with sundry particulars of his conduct in the time of 
peace, and of the rise of a great Dutch aristocracy. . 445 

Chai*. II. — How Peter Stuyvesant labored to civilize 
the communit)'- — how he was a great promoter of 
holidays — how he instituted kissing on New-Year's 
Day — how he distributed fiddles throughout the 
New Netherlands — how he ventured to reform the 
Ladies' petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar 453 

Chap. III. — How ti-oubles thicken on the province — 
hoAV it is threatened by the Helderbergers — The 
Merrylanders, and the Giants of tiie Susquehanna. . 458 

Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventured into the 

East Country, and how he fared there 462 

Chap. V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the aid of 
the British Cabinet in their hostile schemes against 
the Manhattoes 470 

Chap. VI. — Of Peter Stuvesant's expedition into the 
East Country, showing that, though an old bird, he 
did not understand trap 473 

Chap. VII. — How the people of New Amsterdam were 
thrown into a great panic, by the news of the threat- 
ened invasion ; and the manner in which they fortified 
themselves 479 

Chap. VHI. — IIow the Grand Council of the New Neth- 
erlands were miraculously gifted with long tongues 
in the moment of emergency— showing the value of 
words in warfare 484 

Chap. IX. — In which the troubles of New Amsterdam 
appear to thicken — showing the bravery in time of 
peril, of a people who defend themselv^es bv resolu- 
tions : 489 

JuAP. X. — Containing a doleful disaster of Antony the 
Trumpetor — ami how Peter Stuyvesant, like a sec- 
ond Cromwell, suvldonlv dissolved a Hump Parlia- 
ment '. 499 



CONTENTS. 13 



PAQA 

Chap. XL — How Peter Stuy vesant defended the city of 
New Amsterdam for several days, by dint of the 
strength of his head 505 

Chap. XII. — Containing the dignified retirement, and 
mortal surrender of l-*eter the Headstrong 514 

Chap. XIH. — The Author's reflections upon what has 
been s«ud 529 



NOTICES 



fTHIGH APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPERS PREVIOUS TC 
THE PUBLICATION OP THIS WORK. 



From the Evening Post of October 26, 1809. 
DISTRESSING. 

Left his lodgings, some time since, and has not since been heard of, 
a small elderly gentleman, dressed in an old black coat and cocked 
hat, by the name of Knickerbocker. As there are some reasons for 
believing he is not entirely in his right mind, and as great anxiety 
is entertained about him, any information concerning him left either 
at the Columbian Hotel, Mulberry Street, or at the office of this pa- 
per, will be thankfully received. 

P. S. Printers of newspapers would be aiding the cause of hu- 
manity in giving an insertion to the above. 



From the same^ November 6, 1809. 

To the Fditor of the Evening Post : 

Sir, — Having read in your paper of the 26th October last, a para- 
graph respecting an old gentleman by the name of Knickerbocker^ 
who was missing from his lodgings ; if it would be any relief to hia 
friends, or furnish them with any clue to discover where he is, you 
may inform them that a person answering the description given, waa 
seen by the passengers of the Albany stage, early in the morning, 
about four or five weeks since, resting himself by the side of the road, 
a little above King's Bridge. He had in his hand a small bundle, 
tied in a red bandana handkerchief; he appeared to be travelling 
northward, «Dd was very much fatigued and exhausted. 

A TRAVELLER. 



16 NOTICES. 

From the same^ November 16, 1809. 
To the Editor of the Evening Post : 

Sir, — You have been good enough to publish in youi paper a 
paragraph about Mr. Diedrick Knickerbocker, who was missing so 
strangely some time since. Nothing satisfactory has been heard of 
the old gentleman since ; but a very curious kind of a lorilten booh 
has been found in his room, in his own handwriting. Now I wish 
you to notice him, if he is still alive, that if he does not return and 
pay off his bill for boarding and lodging, I shall have to dispose of 
his book to satisfy me for the same. 

I am, sir, your humble servant, 

SETH HANDASIDE, 
Landlord of the Independent Columbian Hotel, Mulberry Street 



From the same, November 28, 1S09. 

LITERARY NOTICE. 

ImsK££P & Bkabford have in press, and will shortly publish, 

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price Three Dollars. 

Containing an account of its discovery and settlement, with its in- 
ternal poUcies, manners, customs, wars, &c., &c., under the Dutch 
government, furnishing many curious and interesting particulars 
never before pubUshed, and which are gathered from various man- 
uscript and other authenticated sources, the whole being inter- 
spersed with philosophical speculations and moral precepts. 

This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich Knicker- 
bocker, the old gentleman whose sudden and mysterious disappear^ 
ance has been noticed. It is published in order to discharge cei tain 
debts he has left behind. 

Prom the American Citizen, December 6. 1809- 

Is this day published 

By Inskeep & Bradford, No. 128 Broatrway, 

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

&c. &c. 

(Containing same as above.) 





HE following work, in which, at the out- 
set, nothing more was contemplated than 
a temporary jeu cVesprit^ was commenced 
in company with my brother, the late Peter Ir- 
ving, Esq. Our idea was, to parody a small hand- 
book which had recently appeared, entitled " A 
Picture of New York." Like that, our work was 
to begin with an historical sketch ; to be followed 
by notices of the customs, manners, and institutions 
of the city ; written in a serio - comic vein, and 
treating local errors, follies, and abuses with good- 
humored satire. 

To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in cer- 
tain American Avorks, our historical sketch was to 
commence with the creation of the world ; and we 
laid all kinds of works under contribution for trite 
citations, relevant, or irrelevant, to give it the proper 
air of learned research. Before this crude mass 
of mock erudition could be digested into form, ray 
brother departed for Europe, and I was left to pros- 
ecute the enterprise alone. 

I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding 
all idea of a parody on the "Picture of New York," 
I determined that what had been originally in- 
tended as an introductory sketch, should comprise 
the whole work, and form a comic history of the 



18 THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 

2ity. I accordingly moulded the mass of citations 
and dis(|uisitions into introductory chapters, forming 
the first book ; but it soon became evident to me, 
that, like Robinson Crusoe ^vith his boat, I had beajun 
on too large a scale, and that, to launch iny his- 
tory successfully, I must reduce its proportions, i 
accordingly resolved to confine it to the period of 
the Dutch domination, which, in its rise, progress, 
and decline, presented that unity of subject required 
by classic rule. It was a period, also, at that time 
almost a terra incognita in history. In fact, I was 
surprised to find how few of my fellow-citizens were 
aware that New York had ever been called New 
Amsterdam, or had heard of the names of its early 
Dutch governors, or cared a straw about their an- 
cient Dutch progenitors. 

This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age of 
our city ; poetic from its very obscurity ; and open, 
like the early and obscure da}'s of ancient Rome, 
to all the embellishments of heroic fiction. I hailed 
my native city, as fortunate above all other Amer- 
ican cities, in having an antiquity thus extending 
back Into the regions of doubt and fable ; neither 
did I conceive I was committing any gi'ievous his- 
torical sin in helping out the few facts I could 
collect in this remote and foro-otten region with 
figments of my own brain, or in giving characteristic 
attributes to the few names connected with it which 
I might dig up fi'om oblivion. 

In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and 
inexperienced writer, besotted with his own fancies ; 
and my presumptuous trespasses into this sacred, 
thouo;h nejilected rei!;ion of historv have met with 
deserved rebuke from men of sotcrer minds. It 
IB too late, however, to recall the shaft thus rashly 



THE AUTHORS APOLOGY. 19 

launched. To any one whose sense of fitness it 
may wound, I can only say with Hamlet, — 

Let my disclaiming from a purposed ev'il 

Free me so far iu your most generous thoughts, 

That I have shot my arrow o'er the house, 

And hurt my brother. ^ 

I will say this in further apology for my work ; 
that, if it has taken an unwarrantable liberty with 
our tarly provincial history, it has at least turned 
attention to that history and provoked research 
[t is only since this work appeared that the for 
gotten archives of the province have been rummaged^ 
and the facts and personages of the olden time res- 
cued from the dust of oblivion, and elevated into 
whatever importance they may virtually possess. 

The main object of my work, in fact, had a 
bearing wide from the sober aim of history ; but 
one which, I trust, will meet with some indulgence 
from poetic minds. It was to embody the tradi- 
tions ot" our city in an amusing form ; to illustrate 
its local humors, customs, and peculiarities ; to clothe 
home scenes and places and familiar names with 
those imaginative and whimsical associations so sel- 
dom met witli in our new country, but which live 
like charms and spells about the cities of the old 
world, binding the heart of the native inhabitant 
to his home. 

In this I have reason to believe I have in some 
measure succeeded. Before the appearance of my 
work the popular traditions of our city were unre- 
corded ; the peculiar and racy customs and usages 
derived from our Dutch progenitors were unnoticed 
"^r regarded with indilFerence, or adverted to with 
a sneer. Now they form a convivial currency, and 
we brought forward on all occasions ; they link our 
whole community together in good-huinor and good 



20 THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 

fellowship ; they are the rallying points of home 
feeling, the seasoning of our civic festivities, the 
staple of local tales and local pleasantries, and are 
so harped upon by o^r writei'S of popular fiction, 
that I find myself almost crowded off the legen- 
dary ground which I was the first to explore, by 
the host who have followed in my footsteps. 

I dwell on this head, because, at the fii-st appear- 
ance of my work, its aim and drift were misappre- 
hended by some of the descendants of the Dutch 
worthies ; and because I understand that now and 
then one may still be found to regard it with a cap- 
tious eye. The far greater part, however, I have 
reason to flatter myself, receive my good-humored 
picturings in the same temper in which they were 
executed ; and when I find, after a lapse of nearly 
forty years, this hap-hazard production of my youth 
still cherished among them, — when I find its very 
name become a " household word " and used to 
give the home stamp to everything recommend- 
ed for poi)ular acceptation, such as Knickerbock- 
er societies, Knickerbocker insurance companies, 
Knickerbocker steamboats, Knickerbocker omnibuses, 
Knickerbocker bread, and Knickerbocker ice, — and 
when I find New Yorkers of Dutch descent prid- 
ing themselves upon being "genuine Knickerbock- 
ers," — T please myself with the persuasion that I 
have struck the right chord ; that my dealings 
with the good ohl Dutch times, and the customs 
and usages derived from them, are in harmony 
with the feelings and humors of my townsmen ; 
that I have opened a vein of pleasant associations 
and quaint characteristics peculiar to my native 
place, and which its inhabitants will not willingly 
lufler to pass away ; and that, though other histo- 
ries of New York m;iy appear of higher claims tc 



THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 2 1 

learned acceptation, and may take Iheir dignified 
and appropriate rank in the family library, Knick- 
erbocker's history will still be received with good- 
humored indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckled 
over by the family fireside. W. I. 

SUNNYSIDE, 1848. 



I 





T was sonie time, if I recollect right, m 
tlie early part of the autumn of 1808, 
that a stranger applied for lodgings at 
the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mul- 
berry Street, of which I am landlord. He was a 
small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty 
black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a 
small cocked hat. He had a few gray hairs plaited 
and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be 
of some eight-and-forty hours' growth. The only, 
piece of finery which he bore about him was a 
bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles ; and all his 
baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, 
which he carried under his arm. His whole ap- 
pearance was something out of the common run ; 
and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once 
set him down for some eminent country school- 
master. 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very 
small house, I was a little puzzled at first where 
to put him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with 
his looks, would needs put him in her best chamber, 
which is genteelly set oflf with the profiles of the 
whole family, done in black, by those two great 
painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands a very 
pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, 
togijther with the rear of the Poor-House and Bride 



24 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

well, and a full front of the Hospital ; so that it 
is the cheerfullest room in the whole house. 

During the whole time that he stayed with us, 
we found him a very worthy good sort of an old 
g(M\tleman, though a little queer in his ways. He 
would keep in his room for days together, and if 
any of the children cried, or made a noise about 
his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, 
with his hands full of papei'S, and say something 
about " deranging his ideas " ; which made my wife 
believe sometimes that he was not altogether compos. 
Indeed, there was more than one reason to make 
her think so, for his room Avas always covered with 
scraps of paper and old mouldy books, laying about 
at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any- 
body touch ; for he said he had laid them all away 
in their proper places, so that he might know where 
to find them ; though, for that matter, he was half 
his time worrying about the house in search of 
some book or writing which he had carefully put 
out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother 
he once made, because my wife cleaned out his 
room when his back Avas turned, and put every- 
thing to rights ; for he swore he would never be 
able to get his j^apers in order again in a twelve- 
month. Upon this, my wife ventured to ask him 
what he did with so many books and papei's ; and 
he told her that he was " seeking for immortal- 
ity " ; which made her think more than ever that 
the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. 

He was a very incjuisitive body, and when not 
in his room, was continually poking about town, 
hearing all the news, and prying into everything 
that was going on : this was particularly the case 
about election time, when he did notliing but bus- 
tle about from poll to poll, attending all ward 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 2^ 

meetings, and committee rooms ; though I could 
never find that he took part with either side of 
the question. On the contrary, he would come 
home and rail at both parties Avith great wrath, — 
and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of 
ray wife and three old la'dies who were drinking 
lea with her, that the two parties were like two 
rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation ; and 
that in the end they would tear the very coat off 
its back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was 
an oracle among the neighbors, who would collect 
around him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as 
he smoked his pipe on the bench before the door ; 
and I really believe he would have brought over 
the whole neighborhood to his own side of the ques- 
tion, if they could ever have found out Avhat it was. 

He was very much given to argue, or, as he 
called it, pliilosopldze^ about the most trifling mat- 
ter ; and to do him justice, I never knew anybody 
that was a match for him, except it was a grave- 
looking old gentleman who called now and then 
to see him, and often posed him in an argument. 
But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found 
out this stranger is the city librarian ; who, of course, 
must be a man of great learning : and I have my 
doubts if he had not some hand in the following 
history. 

As oiu* lodn^er had been a lonjj time with us, and 
we had never received any pay, my wife began to be 
BomcAvhat uneasy, and curious to find out who and 
what he was. She accordingly made bold to put 
the question to his friend, the librarian, who replied 
in his dry way that he was one of the literati, which 
she supposed to mean some new party in politics 
I scorn to push a lodger for his pay ; so I let day 
after day pass on without dunning the old gentleman 



26 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

for a farthing : but my wife, who always takes these 
matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind 
of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted 
that she thought it high time " some people should 
have a sight of some people's money." To which 
the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy 
manner, that she need not make hereelf uneasy, for 
that he had a treasure there, (pointing to his saddle- 
bags,) worth her whole house put together. This 
was the only answer we could ever get from him ; 
and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which 
women find out everything, learnt that he was of 
very great connections, being related to the Knick- 
erbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the 
congressman of tliat name, she did not like to treat 
him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, 
merely by way of making things easy, to let him live 
scot-free, if he would teach the children their letters ; 
and to try her best and get her neighbors to send 
their children also : but the old gentleman took it in 
Buch dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at being taken 
for a schoolmaster, that she never dared to speak on 
the subject again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a morn- 
ing, with a bundle in his hand, and has never been 
heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made 
after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at 
Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that he had 
not been there since the year before last, when he 
had a great dispute with the congressman about poli- 
tics, and left the place in a huff, and they had neither 
heard nor seen anvthino; of him from that time to 
this. I must own I felt very mucli worried about 
the poor old gentleman, for I thought something bad 
must have happened to him, tliat he should be miss- 
ing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I there* 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 27 

fore advertised him in the newspapers, and though 
my melancholy advertisement was published by sev- 
eral humane printers, yet I have never been able tc 
learn anything satisfactory about him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take care 
of ourselves, and see if he had left anything be- 
hind in his room, that would pay us for his board 
and lodging. We found nothing, however, but some 
old books and musty writings, and his saddle-bags ; 
which, being opened in the presence of the libra- 
rian, contained only a few articles of worn - out 
clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On 
looking over this, the librarian told us he had no 
doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman 
had spoken about ; as it proved to be a most excel- 
lent and faithful History of New York, which 
he advised us by all means to publish, assuring 
us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a dis- 
cerning public, that he had no doubt it would be 
enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon 
this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches 
our children, to prepare it for the press, which he 
accordingly has done ; and has, moreover, added to 
it a number of valuable notes of his own. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons 
for having this work printed, without waiting for the 
consent of the author ; and I here declare, that, if 
he ever returns, (though I much fear some unhappy 
accident has befallen him,) I stand ready to ac- 
count with him like a true and honest man. Which 
K all at present, 

From the public's humble servant, 

Seth Handaside. 

Indepandent Columbian Hotel, New York. 
The foregoing account of the author was pre- 



28 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

fixed to the first edition of this work. Sliortlj 
after its publication, a letter was received from him, 
by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch vil- 
lage on the banks of the Hudson, whither he had 
travelled for the purpose of inspecting certain an- 
cient records. As this was one of those few and 
happy villages into which newspapers never find 
their way, it is not a matter of surprise that INIr. 
Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous 
advertisements that were made concerning him, and 
that he should learn of the publication of his his- 
tory by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature ap- 
pearance, as thereby he was prevented from mak- 
ing several important corrections and alterations, 
as well as from profiting by many curious hints 
which he had collected durins: his travels along the 
shores of the Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at Haver- 
straw and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any immediate 
necessity for his return to New York, he extended 
his journey up to the residence of his relations at 
Scaghtikoke. On his way thither he stopped for 
some days at Albany, for which city he is known 
to have entertained a great partiality. He found 
it, however, considerably altered, and was much con- 
cerned at the inroads and improvements which the 
Yankees were making, and the consequent decline 
of the good old Dutch mannei's. Indeed, he was 
informed that these intruders were making sad in- 
novations in all parts of the State ; where they had 
given great trouble and vexation to the regular 
Dutch settlei's by the introduction of turnpike-gates, 
and country schoolhouses. It is said, also, that Mr. 
Knickerbocker shook his head sorrowfully at notic- 
ing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heyden 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 29 

palace but was liiglily indignant at finding that 
..he an. lent Dutch church, which stood in the middle 
oi the street, had been pulled down since his last 
visit. 

The flmie of INIr. Knickerbocker's history having 
reached even to Albany, he received much flattering 
attention from its Avorthy burghers, some of whom, 
however, pointed out two or three very great er- 
ror;! he had fallen into, particularly that of suspend- 
ing a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables, 
whii h, they assured him, had been discontinued for 
some years past. Several families, moreover, were 
6ome»vhat piqued that their ancestors had not been 
mentioned in his work, and showed great jealousy 
of thi ir neiirhbors Avho had thus been distino-uished : 
while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed them- 
selves vastly thereupon ; considering these recordings 
in the light of letters-patent of nobility, establish- 
ing then' claims to ancestry, — which, in this re- 
publican country, is a matter of no little solicitude 
and vainglory. 

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favor and 
countenance from the governor, who once asked him 
to dinner, and was seen two or three times to shake 
hands wath him, when they met in the streets ; Avliich 
certainly was going great lengths, considering that 
ihey differed in politics. Indeed, certain of the gov- 
ernor's confidential fHends, to whom he could venture 
to speak his mind freely on such matters, have assured 
us, that he privately entertained a considerable good 
will for our author, — nay, he even once went so far 
as to declare, and that openly too, and at his own 
table, just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a 
very well-meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no 
fool." From all which many have been led to sup- 
post, tliat, had our author been of different politics 



30 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

and wntten for the newspapers instead of wasting 
his talents on histories, he might have risen to some 
post of honor and profit, — peradventm:"e, to be a 
notary - public, or even a justice in the ten -pound 
court. 

Beside the honors and civilities already mentioned, 
he was much caressed by the literati of Albany ; 
particularly by Mr. John Cook, who entertained him 
very hospitably at his circulating library and reading- 
room, where they used to drink Spa water, and talk 
about the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man 
after his own heart, — of great literary researcli, and 
a curious collector of books. At parting, the latter, 
in testimony of friendship, made him a present of the 
two oldest works in his collection ; which were the 
earliest edition of the Heidelberg Catechism, and 
Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the New 
Netherlands : by the last of which, Mr. Knicker- 
bocker profited greatly in his second edition. 

Having passed some time very agreeably at Al- 
bany, our author proceeded to Scaghtikoke, where, 
it is but justice to say, he was received with open 
arms, and treated with wonderful loving-kindness. 
He was much looked up to by the family, being the 
first historian of the name ; and was considered al- 
most as great a man as his cousin the congressman, 
— with whom, by the by, he became perfectly recon- 
f'iled, and contracted a strong friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations 
and their great attention to his comforts, the old 
jrentloman soon became restless and discontented. 
His history being })ublished, he had no longer any 
business to occui)y his thoughts, oi any scheme to 
excite his hopes and anticipations. This, to a busy 
■ mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ; and. 
had he not been a man of inflexible morals and rci: 



r 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 31 

alar habits, there would have been great danger of 
his takirig to poUtics, or drinking, — both which per- 
nicious vices we daily see men driven to by mere 
spleen and idleness. 

It is true, he sometimes employed himself in pre- 
paring a second edition of his history, wherein he en- 
deavored to correct and improve many passages with 
which he was dissatisfied, and to rectify some mis- 
takes that had crept inf ; it ; for he was particularly 
anxious that his work Ly.ould be noted for its authen- 
ticity ; which, indeed, is the very life and soul of 
history. But the glow of composition had departed, 
— he had to leave many places untouched, Avhich he 
would fain have altered ; and even where he did 
make alterations, he seemed always in doubt whether 
they were for the better or the worse. 

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he 
began to teel a strong desire to return to New York, 
which he ever regarded with the Avarmest affection ; 
not merely because it was his native city, but because 
he really considered it the very best city in the whole 
world. On his return, he entered into the full en- 
joyment of the advantages of a literary reputation. 
He was continually importuned to write advertise- 
ments, petitions, handbills, and productions of simi- 
lar import ; and, although he never meddled with 
the public papers, yet had he the credit of writing 
innumerable essays, and smart things, that appeared 
on all subjects, and all sides of the question ; in all 
which he was clearly detected " by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at 
the post-oflice, in consequence of the numerous let- 
ters he received from authors and printers soliciting 
his subscription, and he Avas applied to by every 
charitable society for yearly donations, which he 
gave very cheerfully, considering these applications' 



32 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

as so many compliments. He was once invited to 
a great corporation dinner ; and was even tvAce 
sinnnioned to attend as a juryman at the court of 
quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he be- 
come, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, 
in all holes and corners of the city, according to the 
bent of his humor, unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but 
several times when he has been sauntering the 
streets, on his usual rambles of observation, equipped 
with his cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play 
have been known to cry, " There goes Diedrich ! " — 
at which the old gentleman seemed not a little 
pleased, looking upon these salutations in the light 
of the praise of posterity. 

In a Avord, if avc take into consideration all these 
various honors and distinctions, together Avith an ex- 
uberant eulogium passed on him in the Port Folio, — 
(with which, we are told, the old gentleman was so 
much overpowered, that he was sick for two or three 
days,) — it must be confessed, that few authors have 
ever lived to receive such illustrious rewards, or have 
so completely enjoyed in advance their own immor- 
\ ality. 

After his return from Scaghtikoke, ]\L\ Knicker- 
bocker took up his residence at a little rural retreat, 
which the Stuyvesants had granted him on the family 
domain, in gratitude for his honorable mention of 
I heir ancestor. It was pleasantly situated on the 
herd el's of one of the salt marehes beyond Corlear's 
Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed, 
and much infested, in the sunnner time, with mosqui- 
toes ; but otherwise very agreeable, producing abun- 
dant crops of salt grass and bulrushes. 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman 
fiell dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by tho 
neighboring marslie?- AVlniu lie Ibund his end ap- 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 3S 

proaching. he disposed of his worldly affairs, leaving 
the bulk of his fortune to the New York Historical 
Society ; his Heidelberg Catechism, and Vander 
Donck's work to the city library ; and his saddle- 
bags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies, 
— that is to say, all who bore any enmity towaixls 
him ; for as to himself, he declared he died in good 
will with all the world. And, after dictating sev- 
eral kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, 
as well as to certain of our most substantial Dutch 
citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend the 
librarian. 

His remains were interred, according to his own 
request, in St. Mark's churchyard, close by the bones 
of his favorite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is 
rumored, that the Historical Society have it In mind 
to erect a wooden monument to his memory in the 
Bowling Green. 





rescue from oblivion the memory of 
former incidents, and to render a just 
tribute oi rcxio^vn to the many great 
and wonderful transactions of our Dutch progeni- 
tors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city 
of New York, produces this historical essay." ' 
Like the great Father of History, whose words 
I have just quoted, I treat of times long past, 
over which the twilight of uncertainty had al- 
ready thrown its shadows, and the night of for- 
getfulness was about to descend forever. With 
great solicitude had I long beheld the early his- 
tory of this venerable and ancient city gradually 
slipping from our grasp, trembling on the lips of 
narrative old age, and day by day dropping piece- 
meal into the tomb. In a Httle while, thought 
T, and those reverend Dutcli Durghers, who serve 
as the tottering monuments of good old times. 
wiU be gathered to their fathers ; their children, 
engrossed by the empty pleasures or msignificant 
transactions of the present age, will neglect to 
treasure up the recollections of the past, and pos- 
terity will search in vain for memorials of the 
days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our city 
will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the 

1 Beloe's Herodotus. 



36 TO THE PUBLIC. 

names and aeliievements of Wouter Van Tvvillcr^ 
William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be envel- 
oped in doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus 
and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Ai'thur, Ki- 
naldo, and Godfrey of Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this 
threatened misfortune, I industriously set myself 
to vvf;rk, to gather together all the fragments of 
our infimt history which still existed, and like 
my reverend prototype, Herodotus, where no writ- 
ten records could be found, I have endeavored 
to continue the chain of history by well-authenti- 
cated traditions. 

In this arduous undertaking, which has been 
the whole business of a long and solitary life, it 
is incredible the number of learned authors T 
have consulted ; and all but to little purpose. 
Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes 
of excellent works have been written about this 
country, there are none extant which gave any 
full and satisfactory account of the early history 
of New York, or of its three first Dutch govern- 
ors. I have, however, gained much valuable and 
curious matter, from an elaborate manuscript 
written in exceeding pure and classic Low Dutch, 
excepting a few errors in orthography, which was 
found in the archives of the Stuyvesant family. 
Many legends, letters, and other documents have 
I likewise gleaned, in my researches among the 
family chests and lumber-garrets of our respecta- 
ble Dutch citizens ; and I have gathered a host 
of well-authenticated traditions from divers excel- 
lent old ladies of my acquaintance, who requested 



TO THE PUBLIC. 37 

..hat (heir iicames might not be mentioned. Nor 
must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I 
have been assisted by that admirable and pi-aise- 
wortliy institution, the New York Historical 
Society, to which I here publicly return my siii- 
(iere acknowledgments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have 
adopted no individual model; but, on the con- 
trary, liave simply contented myself with combm- 
ing and concentrating the excellences of the most 
approved ancient historians. Like Xenophon, I 
have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the 
strictest adherence to truth throughout my his- 
tory. I have enriched it after the manner of 
Sallust, Avith various characters of ancient wor 
thies, drawn at full length, and fliithfully colored. 
I have seasoned it with profound political specu- 
lations like Thucydides, sweetened it with the 
graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into 
the whole the dignity, the grandeur, and magnifi- 
cence of Livy. 

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of 
numerous very learned and judicious critics, for 
indulging too frequently in the bold excursive 
maimer of my favorite Herodotus. And to be 
candid, I have found it impossible always to re- 
sist the allurements of those pleasing episodes 
v\-hi1;h, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, 
beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice 
him to turn aside, and refresh himself from his 
wayfaring. But I trust it will be found tliat 1 
have always resumed my staff, and addressed 
myself to my weary journey with renovated spir- 



88 TO TUE PUBLIC. 

Its, SO that both my readers and myself have 
been benefited by the relaxation. 

Indeed, though it has been my constant -wish 
and uniform endeavor to rival Polybius himself, 
in observing the i-equisite unity of history, yet 
the loose and unconnected manner in which 
many of the facts herein recorded have come to 
hand, rendered such an attempt extremely diffi- 
cult. This difficulty Avas likewise increased by 
one of the grand objects contemplated in my 
work, which was to trace the rise of sundry cus- 
toms and institutions in this best of cities, and 
to compare them, when in the germ of infancy, 
with what they are in the present old age of 
knowledge and improvement. 

But tlie chief merit on which I value myself, 
and found my hopes for futm'e regard, is tliat 
faithful veracity with which I have compiled this 
invaluable little work ; carefully winnowing away 
the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares 
of fable, which are too apt to sprhig up and 
choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowl- 
edge. Had I been anxious to captivate tlie 
superficial throng, who skim like swallows over 
the surface of literature ; or had I been anxious 
to commend my writings to the pampered palates 
of literary epicures, I might have availed myself 
of the obscurity that overshadows the infant 
years of our city, to introduce a thousand pleas- 
ing fictions. But I have scrupulously discarded 
many a pithy tale and marvellous adventure, 
wliereby tlie drowsy ear of summer indolence 
miglit be entliralled ; jealout^ly maintaining that 



TO THE PUBLIC. 39 

fidelity, gravity, and dignity, which sliould ever 
distinguish the historian. '" For a writer of tliis 
-."hiss," observes an elegant critic, " must sustain 
the character of a wise man, writhig for tlie in- 
?)truction of posterity ; one who has studied to 
inform himself well, who has pondered his sub- 
ject with care, and addresses himself to our judg- 
ment, rather than to our imagination." 

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned 
city in having incidents worthy of swelling the 
theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy is it 
in having such an historian as myself to relate 
them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of 
themselves, and, in fact, empires of themselves, are 
nothing without an historian. It is the patient 
narrator who records their prosperity as they 
rise, — who blazons forth the splendor of their 
noon-tide meridian, — who props their feeble me- 
morials as they totter to decay, — who gathers 
together their scattered fragments as they rot, — 
and who piously, at length, collects their ashes 
uito the mausoleum of his work and rears a 
monument that will transmit their renown to all 
succeedhio; a":es. 

What has been the fate of many fliir cities 
of antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber the 
plains of P^urope and Asia, and aAvaken the fruit- 
less inquiry of the traveller ? They have sunk 
into dust and silence, — they have perished from 
remembrance for want of an historian ! The 
philanthropist may weep over their desolation, — • 
ihe poet may wander among their mouldering 
arches and broken columns, and indulge the 



40 TO THE PUBLIC. 

visionary flights of his fancy, — but, alas ] alas 
tlie modern historian, whose pen, like my own, 
is doomed to confine itself to dull matter-of-fact, 
seeks in vain among their oblivious remains for 
some memorial tliat may tell the instructive tale 
of their glory and their ruin. 

" AVars, conflagrations, deluges," says Ai'istotle, 
" destroy nations, and Avith them all their monu- 
ments, their discoveries, and their vanities. The 
torch of science has more than once been extin- 
guished and rekindled ; — a few individuals, who 
have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of 
generations." 

The same sad misfortune wliich has happened 
to so many ancient cities will happen again, and 
from the same sad cause, to nine tenths of those 
which now flourish on the face of the globe. 
With most of them the time for recording their 
e,arly history is gone by ; their origin, their foun- 
dation, together with the eventful period of their 
youtli, are forever buried in the rubbish of years ; 
and the same would have been the case with tliis 
fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it 
from obscurity in the very nick of time, at the 
moment that those matters herein I'ecorded were 
about entering into the wide - spread, insatiable 
maw of oblivion, — if 1 had not drao'i'ed tlieni 
out, as it were, by the very locks, just as tiie 
monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon 
tliem forever ! And here have I, as before ob- 
^erved, carefully collected, collated, and arranged 
them, scrip and =^crap, ^^ piuit en punt, gat en gatj' 
Aud commenced in this little work a history, to 



TO TfJE PUBLIC. 41 

eerve as a foundation on which other historians 
may liereat'ter raise a noble superstructure, swell- 
ing in process of time, until Knickerhocker s N^u 
Yoi'h may be equally voluminous with Gihhon\ 
Rome., or Hume and SmolleCs JEiigland ! 

And now indulge me for a moment, while I 
lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence 
at the distance of two or three hundred yeara 
ahead ; and, casting back a bird's-eye glance ovei 
the waste of years that is to roll between, dis- 
cover myself — little 1 — at this moment the 
progenitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, 
posted at the head of this host of literary wor- 
thies, with my book under my arm, and New 
York on my back, pressing forward, like a gal- 
lant commander, to honor and immortality. 

Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will 
now and ften enter into the brain of the author, 
— that irradiate, as with celestial light, his soli- 
tary chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and 
animating him to persevere in his labors. And 
I have freely given utterance to these rhapsodies 
whenever they have occiu'red ; not, I trust, from 
an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that the 
reader may for once have an idea how an author 
thinks and feels wliile he is writing, — a kind of 
knowledge very rai-e and curious, and much to 1k' 
desired. 




^^^ 



BOOK I. 

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILO- 
SOPniC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING T[IE CREATION- 
AND POPULATION OF THE AVORLD, Ai CONNECTED WITH 
TUE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER I. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE "WORLD. 



^^CCORDING to the best authorities, 
^^^^ the world in which we dwell is a huge, 
'^^^^ opaque, reflecting, maniraate mass, float- 
ing in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. 
It has the form of an orange, being an oblate 
spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for 
the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are 
supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre 
thus forming an axis on which the mighty orange 
turns with a regular diurnal revolution. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence 
proceed the alternations of day and night, are 
produced by this diurnal revolution successively 



44 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

prescnthig the diiferent parts of the earth to the 
rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the 
best, that is to say, the latest accounts, a lumi- 
nous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, 
i'rom wliich this world is driven by a centrifugal 
01- repelling power, and to which it is drawn by 
a centripetal or attractive force ; otherwise called 
(lie attraction of gravitation; tlie combination, or 
i-athcr the counteraction of these two opposing 
iuijjul.ses producing a circular and annual revolu- 
tion. Hence result the different seasons of the 
year, viz : spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved mod- 
ern theory on ^the subject, — though there be 
many philosophers who have entertained very 
different opinions ; some, too, of them entitled 
to mucli deference from their great antiquity and 
illustrious character. Thus it was advanced by 
some of the ancient sages, that the earth was ar 
extended plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by 
others, that it rested on tlie head of a snake, or 
tlie back of a huge tortoise ; — but as they did 
not provide a resting-place for either the pillars 
or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the 
ground, for want of proper foundation. 

The Bralnnins assert, that the heavens rest 
upon the earth, and the siui and moon swim 
tlierein like fishes hi the water, moving from east 
to west by day, and gliding along the edge of 
tlie horizon to their oi'iginal stations during 
night ; ^ while, according to the Pauranicas of 
India, it is a vast phiin, encircled by seven ocea^is 

1 Faria y Soiiza. ^licU. kis. note b. 7. 



i 



HISTORY OF NEW 1 -)RK. 45 

of milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that 
it is studded with seven mountains, and orna- 
mented in the centre by a mountahious rock of 
burnished gold ; and that a great dragon occa- 
sionally swallows up the moon, which accounts 
for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.^ 

Beside these, and many other equally sage 
opinions, we have the profound conjectures of 
Aboul-IIassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of 
Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son 
of Masoud-el-Hadheli wlio is commonly called 
Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who 
takes the humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which 
means the companion of the ambassador of God. 
He has written a universal history, entitled " Mou- 
roudge-ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and 
the Mines of Precious Stones."^ In this valua- 
ble work he has related the history of the world 
from the creation down to the moment of writ- 
ing ; which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi 
Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 
336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Propli- 
et. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, 
Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia 
and India the right wing, the land of Gog the 
left ^^'ing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, 
moreover, that an earth has existed before the 
present (which he considers as a mere chif^keu 
of 7000 years), that it has undergone divers del- 
uges, and that, according to the opinion of some 
well-informed Brahinms of his acquaintance, it 

^ Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. 
2 MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr. 



16 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

will be renovated every seventy thousandth haz* 
arouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 
years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory 
opinions of philosophers concerning the earth, 
and we find that the learned have had equal 
perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some 
of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that 
it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ; ^ others, that 
it is merely a mu-ror or sphere of transparent 
crystal ; ^ and a third class, at the head of whom 
stands Ajiaxagoras, maintained that it was noth- 
ing but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone, — 
indeed, he declared the heavens to be merely a 
vault of stone, — and that the stars were stones 
whirled upward from the earth, and set on fire 
by the velocity of its revolutions.^ But I give 
little attention to the doctrines of this philos- 
opher, the people of Athens having fully refuted 
them, by banishing him from their city : a concise 
mode of answering unwelcome doctrmes, much 
resorted to in former days. Another sect of phi- 
losophers do declare, that certain fiery particles 
exhale constantly from the earth, which, concen- 
trating in a single point of the firmament by day, 
constitute the sun, but being scattered and ram- 
bliu": about in the dark at niorht, collect in vari- 
ous points, and form stars. These are regularly 
!)urnt out and extinguished, not unlike to the 

1 Plutanh de placitis Pliilosoph. lib. ii. cap. 20. 

2 Achill. Tat. isa-,^ cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. 
Kclog. riiys. lib. i. p. 50. Pint, de Plac. Phi. 

8 I)iogeiK's LnL'itiii.s in Anaxut;. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t 
. p. 26. riiit. de Plac. l'])ilo. Xeiiopli. Mem. 1. iv. p. 815. 



HISTORY OF NEW YOEK, 47 

lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply 
of exhalations for the next occasion.^ 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and 
obscure periods, in consequence of a great scar- 
city of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt 
out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at 
a time. A most melancholy circumstance, the 
very idea of which gave vast concern to Heracli- 
tus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. 
In addition to these various speculations, it was 
the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a mag- 
nificent, habitable abode ; the light it furnishes 
arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phos- 
phoric clouds, swimming in its transparent at- 
mosphere.^ 

But we will not enter farther at present into 
the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not 
immediately necessary to the development of this 
history ; neitlier Avill we embroil ourselves in 
any more of the endless disputes of philosophers 
touching the form of this globe, but content our- 
selves with the theory advanced in the begin- 
ning of this chapter, and will proceed to illus- 
trate, by experiment, the complexity of motion 
therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, 
as the name may be rendered into English) 
was long celebrated in the university of Ley 
den, for profound gi'avity of deportment, and a 
talent at going to sleep in the midst of exami- 

1 Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15, Stob. Eel. 
Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 

2' Philos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. Idem. 1801, p. 265. Nich. 
Philos. Jouin. I. p. 13. 



48 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

nations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful stu- 
dents, who thereby worked their way through 
college with great ease and little study. In the 
course of one of his lectures, the learned pro- 
fessor, seizing a bucket of water, swung it around 
his head at arm's length. The impulse with 
which he threw the vessel from him, beinof a 
centrifugal force, the retention of his arm oper- 
ating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, 
which was a substitute for tlie earth, describing 
a circular orbit round about the globular head 
and ruby \'isage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, 
which formed no bad representation of the sun. 
All of these particulars were duly explained to 
the class of gaping students around him. He 
apprised them, moreover, that the same principle 
of gravitation, which retained the water in the 
bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the 
earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he farther 
informed them that should the motion of the 
earth be suddenly checked, it would inconti- 
nently fall into the sun, through the centripetal 
force of gravitation, — a most ruinous event to 
this planet, and one which Avould also obscure, 
tliough it most probably would not extinguish, 
the solar lumhiary. Aii unlucky stripling, one 
of tliose vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into 
the world merely to annoy worthy men of the 
puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the 
correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested 
the arm of the professor, just at the moment 
that the bucket was in its zenith, which im- 
mediately descended vnih. astonishing precision 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 49 

upon the philosophic head of the instructor of 
Youih. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, 
atttinded the contact ; but the th^ry was in 
ihe amplest maimer illustrated, for the unfortu- 
nate tucket perished in the conflict ; but the 
blazins; countenance of Professor Von Poddino;- 
ooft eniorged from amidst the waters, glowing 
tiercer tban ever with unutterable indignation, 
wheieby lue students were marvellously edified, 
and departed considerably wiser than before. 

It in a mortifying circumsttmce, which greatly 
perplexes many a painstaking philosopher, that 
nature oi'ten reiuses to second his most profound 
ai.id elaboiHie efforts ; so that after having in- 
vented one oi the most ui2;enious and natural 
theories iiiiaginable, she will have the perverse- 
uess to act dii-ecily in the teeth of his system, and 
flatly contradict Ins most favorite positions. This 
is a manifest and unmerited grievance, smce 
it throws the censure of the vulgar and im- 
learned entirely upon the philosopher ; whereas 
the fault is not to be ascribed k) his theory, which 
is unquestionably correct, but to the wayward- 
ness of dame nature, who, with the proverbial 
fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in 
coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take 
pleasure in violating all philosopliic rules, and 
jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her 
adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the 
foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion 
of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal 
force has long since ceased to operate, while its 
antagonist remains hi undiminished potency ; the 



50 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

world, therefore, according to the theory as if 
oi*igiiiallj stood, ouglit in strict propriety to tum- 
ble into the sun ; philosophers were convinced 
that it would do so, and awaited in jinxious 
impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. 
But (he untoward planet pertinaciously contin- 
ued her course, notwithstanding that she had 
reason, philosophy, and a whole university of 
learned professors opposed to her conduct. The 
philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
thought they would never have pardoned the 
slight and affront which they conceived put 
upon them by the world, had not a good - na- 
tured professor kindly officiated as a mediator 
between the parties, and effected a reconcilia- 
tion. 

Finding the world would not accommodate 
itself to the theory, he wisely determined to 
accommodate the theory to the world ; he there- 
fore uiformed his brother philosophers, that tlio 
circular motion of the earth round the sun was 
no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses 
above described, than it became a regular revo- 
lution, independent of the causes which gave it 
origin. His learned brethren readily joined in 
llie opinion, being heartily glad of any explana- 
tion that would decently extricate them from their 
i-mbarrassment ; and ever since that memora- 
ble era the world has been left to take her own 
course, and to revolve around the sun in such 
orbit as she thinks proper. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 51 



CHAPTER II. 



•OSMOaONT, OR CREATION OF THE WORLD ; WITH A MDLTITODE Of 
ESCKLLENT THEORIES, BY WHICH THE CREATION OF A WORLD IS 
SHOWN TO BE NO SUCH DIFFICULT MATTER AS COMMON FOLK WOULD 
DIAGIXE. 

^'JifAVING thus briefly introduced my 
j^ reader to the world, and given him 




^^ some idea of its form and situation, 
he will naturally be curious to know from 
whence it came, and how it was created. And, 
indeed, the clearing up of these points is abso- 
lutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
this world had not been formed, it is more than 
probable that this renowned island, on which 
is situated the city of New York, would never 
have had an existence. The regular course of 
my history, therefore, requires that I should 
proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation 
of this our globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning 
that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, 
into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian 
was perplexed withal ; therefore, I advise them 
lo take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close 
-\t my heel?, venturing neither to the right 
hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in 
a slough ol' unintelliirible learning:, or have their 



52 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

brains knocked out by some of those liard Greek 
names which will be flying about in all direc- 
tions. But should any of them be too indolent 
or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this 
perilous undertaking, they had better take a 
slAort cut roinid, and wait for me at the begin- 
nhig of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world, we have a thou- 
Band contradictory accounts ; and though a very 
isatisfactory one is furnished us by divine revela- 
lion, vet every philosopher feels himself in honor 
bound to furnish us with a better. As an im- 
partial fiistorian I consider it my duty to notice 
their Several theories, by which mankind have 
been so exceedingly edified and instructed. 

Thus It was the opinion of certain ancient 
sages, that the earth and the whole system of 
the universe was the Deity himself;-^ a doctrine 
most strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and 
tlie whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo 
and thv) sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythag- 
oras likewise inculcated the famous immerical 
system of the monad, dyad, and triad, and by 
means vyf his sacred quaternary elucidated the 
formatio>i of the world, the arcana of nature, 
and tlie principles both of music and morals.- 
Other sages adhered to the mathematical system 
of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, 
ind the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, 

1 Aristot ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 

2 Aristot. Metapli. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Coelo. 1. iii. o. 1. 
Uoiisseau .Mem. sur .Musi ^ le ancieii. p. 39. Plutarch de Tlac 
I'hilos. lih. i. cap. 3. 



HISTORY OF S^EW YORK. 53 

the icosiihedron, and the dodecahedron.' While 
others advocated the great elementary theory 
which refers the construction of our globe ano 
r11 that it contauis to the combinations of four 
material elements : air, earth, fire, and water 
with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and 
vivifying principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic 
system taught by old Moschus, before the siege "v^ 
of Troy ; revived by Democritus of laughing 
memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of 
good fellows, and modernized by the fanciful 
Descartes. But I decline inquiring whether the 
atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, 
are eternal or recent ; whether they are animate 
or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the opinioxi 
of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregateo , 
or, as the theists maintain, were arranged by 
a supreme mtelligence.^ Whether, in fact, the 
earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be ani- 
mated by a soul ; ^ which opinion was stren- 
uously maintained by a host of philosophers, at 
the head of whom stands the great Plato, that 
temperate sage, who threw the cold water of phi- 
losophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and 
inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love, — an 
exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better 
adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary 

1 Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 

2 Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. 
\. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin Mart. 
orat. ad gent. p. 20. 

8 Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim mund. 
>p. Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de I'Acad. der Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. 
0. 19, et al. 



54 HISTORY OI' NEW YORK. 

island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, com- 
posed of rebellious flesh and blood, which popu- 
lates the little matter-of-fact island we inhabit. 

Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the 
poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who generated 
the whole universe in the regular mode of pro- 
creation, and tlie plausible opinion of others, thai 
the earth was hatched from the great egg oi' 
night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by 
the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this 
last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth,^ 
has favored us with an accurate drawing and 
description, both of the form and texture of tliis 
mundane q^^ ; which is found to bear a marvel- 
lous resemblance to that of a goose. Such of 
my readers as take a proper interest in the origin 
of this our planet, will be pleased to learn that 
the most profound sages of antiquity among the 
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Lat- 
ins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of 
this strange bird, and that their cacklings have 
been caught, and continued in different tones and 
inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto 
the present dsiy. 

But Avhile briefly noticing long celebrated sys- 
tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over 
with neglect those of other philosophers ; which, 
though less universal and renowned, have equal 
claims to attention, and equal chance for correct- 
aess. Thus, it is recorded by the Brahmins, 
m the pages of their mspired Shastah, that the 
angel Bistiioo transforming himself into a gi*eat 
1 Book i. ch. 5. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 55 

boar, pluiij^ed into the watery abyss, and brought 
up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from 
him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and 
Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of 
the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the 
iiead of the snake.^ 

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that 
(ho world was made by the hands of angels, ex- 
cepting their own country, which the Supreme 
Being constructed himself, that it might be su- 
premely excellent. And he took great pains 
with the inhabitants, and made them very black, 
and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first 
man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed 
him over the face, and hence his nose, and the 
nose of all his descendants, became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us that a preg- 
nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a 
tortoise took her upon its back, because every 
place was covered with water ; and that the 
woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with 
her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, 
whence it finally happened that the earth became 
hio;her than the water.^ 

But I forbear to quote a number more of 
these ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose 
deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudi- 
tion, compelled them to write in languages which 
but few of my readers- can understand ; and I 
shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intel- 

^ Hohvell. Gent. Philosophy. 

2 Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas Oi 
Mohawk Indians, 



56 HISTORY JF NEW YORK. 

ligible and fashionable theories of their raoderc 
successors. 

And, first, I shall mention the great Biiffon, 
who conjectures that this globe was originally a 
globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of 
the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark 
is generated by the collision of flint and steel. 
That at first it was surrounded by gross vapors, 
which, cooling and condensing in process of time, 
constituted, according to their densities, earth, 
water, and air ; whicli gradually arranged them- 
selves, according to their respective gravities, 
round the burning or vitrified mass that formed 
their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the 
waters at first were universally paramount ; and 
he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth 
must be eventually washed away by the force of 
rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is 
confounded with the ocean, or, in other words 
absolutely dissolves into itself. vSublime idea ! 
far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel 
of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; 
or the good dame of Narbomie in France, who, 
for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, 
was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and 
thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run out 
at lier eye^ before half the hideous task was 
accomplished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who 
rivalled Ditton in his researches after tlie longi- 
tude (for which the mischief-loving Swift dis- 
charged on their heads a most savory stanza). 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 57 

has distinguished himself by a very admirable 
theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that 
it was originally a chaotic comet, which being 
selected for the abode of man, was removed from 
its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in 
its present regular motion ; by which eliange of 
du'ection, order succeeded to confusion in the 
aiTangement of its component parts. The phi- 
losopher adds, that the deluge was produced by 
an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of 
another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of 
its improved condition ; thus furnishing a mel- 
ancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even 
among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt 
that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodi- 
ously sung by the poets. 

But 1 pass over a variety of excellent theories, 
among which are those of Burnet, and Wood- 
ward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely 
that my time will not suffer me to give them 
the notice they deserve, — and shall conclude 
with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This 
learned Theban, who is as much distinguished 
for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured credu- 
lity as serious research, and who has recom- 
mended himself wonderfully to the good graces 
of tlie ladies, by letting them into all the gal- 
lantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics 
of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon 
a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. 
According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos 
took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel 
")f gunpowdar, and in that act exploded the sun, 



58 HISTORY OF MhW YORK. 

— which in its flight, by a similar convulsion 
exploded the earth, which in like guise exploded 
the moon, — and thus by a concatenation of ex- 
plosions, the whole solar system was produced, 
aiid set most systematically in motion ! ^ 

By the great variety of theories here alluded 
to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, 
will be found surprisingly consistent in all its 
parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led 
to conclude, that the creation of a world is not 
BO difficult a task as they at first imagined. I 
have shown at least a score of ingenious methods 
in which a world could be constructed ; and I 
have no doubt, that, had any of the philosophers 
above quoted the use of a good manageable 
comet, and the philosophical warehouse chaos at 
his command, he would en^-aofe to manufacture a 
planet as good, or, if you would take liis word 
for it, better than this we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kmdness 
of Providence, in creating comets for the great 
relief of bewildered philosophers. By their as- 
sistance more sudden evolutions and transitions 
are effected in the system of nature than are 
WTOuglit in a pantomimic exhibition by the won- 
dei'-working sword of Harlequin. Should one 
of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights 
among the stars, ever find himself lost in the 
clouds, and hi danger of tumbling into the abyss 
of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize 
a comet by the beard, mount astride of his tail, 
and away lie gallops in triumph, like an en* 
1 Darw. Bot. Garden, Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 59 

chanter on his hyppogriff, or a Connecticut witch 
on her broomstick, " to sweep the cobwebs out 
of tlie sky." 

It is an old and vulgar saying about h " beg 
gar on horseback," which I would not for tli(i 
world have applied to these reverend philoso- 
phers ; but I must confess that some of them, 
when they are mounted on one of those fiery 
steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was 
Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage 
the chariot of Phoebus, One drives his comet 
at full speed against the sun, and knocks the 
world out of him Avith the mighty concussion ; 
another, more moderate, makes his comet a kind 
of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular 
supply of food and fagots ; a third, of more 
combustible disposition, threatens to throw his 
comet, like a bomb-shell, into the world, and 
blow it up like a powder-magazine ; while a 
fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet and 
its iiiliabitants, insinuates that some day or other 
his comet — my modest pen blushes while I 
write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our 
world, and deluge it with water ! Siu'ely, as I 
have already observed, comets were bountifully 
provided by Providence for the benefit of philos- 
ophers, to assist them in manufacturmg theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most 
prominent theories that occur to my recollection, 
I. leave my judicious readers at lull liberty to 
choose among them. They are all serious spec 
ulations of learned men, — all differ essentially 
from each other, — and all have the same title to 



60 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

belief. It has ever been the task of one race of 
philosophers to demolish the works of their pre- 
decessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in 
their stead, Avhich in their turn are demolished 
and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding 
g(;neration. Thus it would seem that knowledge 
and genius, of which we make such great parade, 
consist but in detectmg the errors and absurdities 
of those who have gone before, and devising new 
errors and absurdities, to be detected by those 
who are to come after us. Theories are the 
mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown - up 
children of science amuse themselves, — while 
the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admi- 
ration, and dignify these learned vagaries with 
the name of wisdom ! Surely, Socrates was 
right in his opinion, that philosophers are but 
a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves 
in things totally incomprehensible, or which, if 
they coidd be comprehended, would be found not 
worthy the trouble of discovery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come 
to an aOTcement anion": themselves, I shall con- 
tent myself with the account handed down to us 
by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example 
of our ino'cnious neiirhbors of Connecticut ; who 
at their first settlement proclaimed, that the col- 
ony should be governed by the laws of God — 
until tliey had time to make better. 

One thing, however, appears certain, — froii' 
the unanimous authority of the before-quoted 
philosophers, supported by the evidence of oui 
Dwn senses, (which, though very apt to deceive 



I 



niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 61 

US, may be cautiously admitted as additional tes- 
timony,) — it appears, I say, and I make the asser- 
tion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, 
that this globe really was created^ and that it is 
composed of land and loater. It farther appears 
that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into 
continents and islands, among which I boldly 
declare the renowned Island of New York 
will be found b}' any one who seeks lor it in ite 
proper place. 



62 HISTORY OF NFAV YORK 




CHAPTER m. 

BOW THAT FAMOUS NAVIGATOR, NOAU, WAS SHAMEFULLY NICENAMRO 
AJTD HOW HE COMMITTED AX UNPARDONABLE OVERSIGHT IX N01 
HAVING FOUR SONS; WITH THE GREAT TROUBLE OF PHILOSOPHERS 
CAUSED THEREBY, AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA. 

>^|)^OAH, who is the first seafaring man we 
vii read of, begat three sons : Sheni, Ham, 
^ and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are 
not wanting, who atiirm that the patriarch had a 
number of other children. Thus, Berosus makes 
him father of the gigantic Titans ; Methodius 
gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus ; 
and others have mentioned a son, named Thu- 
iscon, from whom descended the Teutons or., 
Teutonic, or in other wqrds, the Dutch nation. 

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my 
plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable 
curiosity of my readers, by investigating mi- 
nutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, 
such an undertaking woidd be attended with 
more trouble than many people Avould imagine , 
for the good old patriarch seems to have been 
a great traveller in his day, and to have passed 
under a different name in every country that he 
visited. The Chaldeans, for histance, give u£< 
his story, merely altering his name into Xisu- 
^hrus, — a trivial alteration, which, to an bisto 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 63 

rian, sldlled in etymologies, will appear wholly 
uiiimportuiit. It appears, likewise, that he had 
exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the 
Chaldeans for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, 
and appears as a monarch in their amials. The 
Egyptians- celebrate him under the name of 
Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and 
Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and 
the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But 
the Chhiese, who deservedly rtmk among the 
most extensive and authentic historians, inas- 
much as they have known the world much lon- 
ger than any one else, declare that Noah was no 
other than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion 
some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, admit- 
ted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah 
travelled into China, at the time of the building 
of the tower of Babel (probaljly to improve him- 
self in the study of languages), and the learned 
Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information, 
that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiei"3 
of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and 
sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions 
might be drawn ; but I shall content myself with 
the simple fact stated in the Bible, viz : that 
Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet, 
It is astonishing on wliat remote and obscure con- 
tingencies the great affairs of this world depend, 
and how events the most distant, and to the jcom- 
mon observer unconnected, are inevitably conse- 
quent the one to tlie other. It remains to the 
philosopher to discover tliese mysterious affinities. 



64 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and it is the proudest triumph of his skill, to 
detect and drag forth some latent chain of causa- 
tion which at first sight appears a paradox to the 
inexperienced observer. Thus many of my read- 
ers will doubtless wonder what connection the 
family of Noah can possibly have with this his- 
tory, — and many will stare when informed, that 
the whole liistory of this quarter of the world has 
taken its character and course from the simple 
cu'ciunstance of the patriarch's having but three 
sons. But to explain : 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible 
historians, becoming sole surviving heir and pro- 
prietor of the earth, in fee-simple, after the del- 
uge, like a good father, portioned out his estate 
among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ; tc 
Ham, Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it 
is a thousand times to be lamented that he had 
but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he 
would doubtless have inherited America ; Avhich, 
of course, would have been dragged forth from 
its obscurity on the occasion ; and thus many a 
hard - working historian and philosopher would 
have been spared a prodigious mass of weary 
conjecture respecting the first discovery and popu- 
hition of this country. Noah, however, having 
provided for his three sons, looked in all prob- 
ability upon our country as a mere wild unset- 
tled land, and said nothing about it ; and to this 
unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may 
we ascribe the misfortune that America did 
not come into the world as early as the other 
quarters of the globe. 



UISTORY OF NEW YORK. 65 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him 
from this misconduct towards posterity, and as- 
serted that he really did discover America. Thus 
it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a Frencli 
writer, possessed of that ponderosity of thought, 
and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his 
nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah 
peopled this quarter of the globe, and that tlie 
old patriarch himself, who still retained a passion 
for the seafaring life, superintended the trans- 
migration. The pious and enlightened father, 
Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for his 
aversion to the marvellous, common to all great 
travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; 
nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon the 
manner in which the discovery was effected, 
which was by sea, and under the immediate direc- 
tion of the great Noah. " I have already ob- 
served," exclaims the good father, in a tone of 
becoming indignation, " that it is an arbitrary 
supposition that the grandchildren of Noah were 
not able to penetrate into the ncAv world, or that 
they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no 
reason that can justify such a notion. Wlio can 
seriously believe that Noah and his immediate 
descendants knew less than we do, and that tlie 
builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever 
was, — a ship which was formed to traverse an 
unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and 
quicksands to guard against, — should be ignorant 
of, or should not have communicated to his de- 
scendants the art of sailing on the ocean ? " 
Therefore, they did sail on the ocean ; therefore, 



GO HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

they sailed to America ; therefore, Americ?. was 
discovered by Noah ! 

Now all tliis exquisite chain of reasoning, 
which is so strikingly characteristic of the good 
father, being addressed to the faith, rather than 
the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans de 
liaet, who declares it a real and most ridiculous 
paradox to suppose that Noah ever entertained 
the thou";ht of discoverino- America ; and as 
Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe 
he must have been much better acquainted Avith 
the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, 
and of course possessed of more accurate sources 
of information. It is astonishing how intimate 
historians do daily become with the patriarchs 
and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy 
improves witli time, and as the learned are par- 
ticularly inquisitive and familiar in their ac- 
quaintance with the ancients, I should not be sur- 
prised if some future -wa'iters should gravely give 
us a picture of men and manners as they existed 
before the flood, far more copious and accurate 
than the Bible ; and that, in the course of an- 
other century, the log-book of the good Noah 
should be as current among historians as the 
voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history 
of Robinson Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the 
huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, 
and probabilities respecting the first discovery of 
this country, with wliich unhappy historians over- 
load themselves, in their endeavors to satisfy the 
•loubts of an incredulous world. ft is painful to 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 67 

see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, 
and sweating, under an enormous burden, at the 
very outset of their works, which, on being 
opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty 
bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied 
assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, 
to the satisfaction of all the world, that this 
country has been discovered, I shall avail myself 
of their useful labors to be extremely brief upon 
this pohit. 

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether 
America was lirst discovered by a wandering 
vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, 
according to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa ; 
or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny. 
the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary 
Islands ; or wliether it was settled by a tempo- 
rary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle 
and Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it 
was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius 
with great shrewdness advances ; nor by the 
Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Be- 
hem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has en- 
deavored to prove to the savans of the learned 
city of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modem 
claims of tlie AVelsh, founded on the voyage 
of Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who 
having never returned, it has since been wisely 
concluded that he must have gone to America, 
and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go 
there, where else could he have gone ? — a ques- 
liou which most socratically shuts out all fartlier 
lispute. 



bS HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures 
above mentioned, with a multitude of others, 
equally satisfactory, I shall take for granted the 
vulgar opinion, that America was discovered on 
tiie 12th of October, 1492, by Christoval Colon, 
a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed 
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. 
Of the voyages and adventures of this Colon, 1 
shall say nothing, seeing that they are already 
sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to 
prove that this country should have been Called 
Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously 
self-evident. 

Having tluis happily got my readers on this 
side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself 
all impatience to enter upon the enjoyment of 
the land of promise, and in full expectation that 
I will immediately deliver it into their possession. 
But if I do may I ever forfeit the reputation of 
a regular-bred historian ! No — no, — most curi- 
ous and thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned 
ye are if ye have read all that has gone before, 
and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read 
that which comes after,) we have yet a world 
of work before us. Think you the first discov- 
erers of this fair quarter of the globe had noth- 
ing to do but go on shore and find a country 
ready laid out and cultivated like a garden, 
wherein they might revel at their ease ? No 
such thing: they had forests to cut down, un- 
derwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and sav- 
%f];es to exterminate. 

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear 



B J STORY OF NEW YORK. 69 

away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- 
plain, before I permit you to range at random ; 
but these difficulties once overcome, we shall be 
enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest 
of Dur history. Thus my work shall, in a man- 
ner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same 
manner as the sound of poetry has been fomid 
by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense, — 
this being an improvement in history which I 
3laim tlie merit of havmg invented. 



70 UISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER IV. 




raOWlNQ TOE GREAT DIFFICULTY PHILOSOPHERS HAVE HAD IN PEOPLING 
AMERICA; AND HOW THK ABORIGINES CAME TO BE BEGOTTEN BT 
ACCIDENT — TO THE GREAT RELIEF AND SATISFACTION OF THE AU- 
THOR. 



HE next inquiry at which we arrive in 
the regular course of our history is to 
ascertain, if possible, how this country 
was originally peopled, — a point fruitful of in- 
credible embarrassments ; for unless we prove 
that the Aborigines did absolutely come from 
somewhere, it will be immediately asserted, in 
this age of skepticism, that they did not come 
at all ; and if they did not come at all, then 
was this country never populated, — a conclu- 
sion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, 
but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of 
humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically 
prove fatal to the imiumerable Aborigines of 
this populous region. 

Tc avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue 
from logical annihilation so many millions of 
fellow-creatures, how many wings of geese iiave 
been plundered ! what oceans of ink have been 
benevolently drained ! and how many capacious 
heads of learned liistorians have been addled, 
and forever confounded ! I pause witli rever- 
ential awe, when I contemplate the pondei'oiw 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 71 

tomes, in ditFereiit languages, with which they 
have endeavored to solve this question, so im- 
portant to the happiness of society, but so in- 
volved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. 

Historian after historian has en2^a«:ed in the 
endless circle of hypothetical argument, and 
after leading us a weary chase through octa- 
vos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the 
end of his Avork just as Avise as we were at 
the beginning. It was doubtless some philo- 
sophical wild-goose cliase of the kind that made 
the old poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at 
curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily 
as " an irksome agonizing care, a superstitious 
mdustry about unprofitable things, an itching 
humor to see what is not to be seen, and to be 
domoj what sio:nifies nothinof when it is done." 
But to proceed. 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the 
original population of this country I shall say 
nothing, as they have already been touched upon 
in my last chapter. The claimants next in ce- 
lebrity are the descendants of Abraham. Thus, 
Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) 
when he first discovered the gold mines of liis- 
paniola, immediately concluded, Avith a shrewd- 
ness that would have done honor to a philoso- 
plier, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from 
whence Solomon procured the gold for embellish- 
uig the temple at Jerusalem ; nay. Colon even 
imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of 
veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refin- 
ing the precious rre. 



72 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such 
fascinating extravagance, was too tempting not 
to be innnediately snapped at by the gudgeons 
of learning ; and, accordingly, there were divers 
profound writers ready to swear to its correct- 
ness, and to bring in their usual load of authoi • 
ities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it 
up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared 
notliing could be more clear ; Arius Montanus, 
without the least hesitation, asserts tliat Mexico 
was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early set-- 
tlers of tlie country ; while Possevin, Becan, 
and several other sagjicious writers, lug in a 
supposed propliecy of the fourth book of Esdras, 
wliich being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, 
like the key-stone of an arch, gives it, in their 
opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their 
goodly superstructure, than in trudges a pha- 
lanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, 
the great Dutchman, at their liead, and at one 
blow tumbles the whole fabric about tlieir ears. 
Hans, in fact, contradicts outrigVit all tlie Israel- 
itish claims to tlie first settlement of this coun- 
try, atti'ibuting all tliose equivocal symptoms, and 
traces of Cln-istianity and Judaism, which have 
been said to be found in divers provinces of the 
new world, to the Devil, wlio has always af- 
fected to coimterfeit the worship of the true Dei 
ty. ^' A remark," says tlie knowing old Padre 
d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have 
spoken of the religion of nations newly dis- 
covered, and founded besides on the authority 



HISTORY OF NEW 1 OJiK. 73 

of the fathers of the church." Some Avriters 
again, among whom it is with much regret i 
am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, 
and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaan 
ites, being driven from the land of promise by 
the Jews, were seized with such a panic that 
they fled Avithout looking behind them, until 
stopping to take breath, they found themselves 
safe in America. As they brought neither their 
national language, manners, nor features with 
them, it is supposed they left them behind in 
the hurry of their flight ; — I cannot give my 
faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned 
Grotius, — who being both an ambassador and a 
Dutchman to boot, is entitled to great respect, — 
that North America was peopled by a strolling 
company of Norwegians, and that Peru was 
founded by a colony from China, — Manco, or 
Mango Capac, the first Licas, being himself a 
Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely men- 
tion, that father Kircher ascribes the settle- 
ment of America to the Egyptians, Rudbeck 
to the Soiindinavians, Charron to the Gauls, 
Juffredus Petri to a skating party from Fries- 
land, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the Sicil- 
ian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoeni- 
cians, Postel to the Moors, Martyn dAngleria 
to the Abyssinians, together with the sage sur- 
mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and 
the Orcades may contend for that honor. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or 



74 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

credit to the idea that America is the fair^ 
region of Zipangri, described by that dream- 
ing traveller, Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or 
that it comjirises the visionary island of At- 
lantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop 
to investigate the heathenish assertion of Para- 
celsus, that each hemisphere of tlie globe was 
originally furnished with an Adam and Eve ; 
or the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, 
supported by many nameless authorities, that 
Adam was of the Indian race ; or the start- 
ling conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Dar- 
wm, so highly honorable to mankind, that the 
whole human species is accidentally descended 
from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must o^^^l, came upon 
rae very suddenly and very ungraciously. I 
have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, 
while gazing in stupid wonder at the extrav- 
agant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electri- 
fied by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword 
across his shoulders. Little did I think, at such 
times, that it would ever fall to my lot to be 
treated with equal discourtesy, and that, while I 
^vas quietly beholding these grave philosophers, 
emulating the eccentric transformations of the 
hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden 
turn upon me and my readers, and with one hy- 
pothetical flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! 
I determined from that moment not to bum my 
fingers witli any more of their theories, but con- 
tent myself with detailing the diflerent methods 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 75 

by which they transported the descendants of 
these ancient and respectable monkeys to this 
great field of theoretical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land 
or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Jo- 
seph d'Acosta enumerates three passages by land : 
first, by the north of Europe ; secondly, by the 
north of Asia ; and thirdly, by regions southward 
of the Straits of Magellan. The learned Gro- 
tius marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route 
across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through 
Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga; 
aiid various writers, among whom are Angleria, 
De Hornn, and Buflfbn, anxious for the accom- 
modation of these travellers, have fastened the 
two contments together by a strong chain of 
deductions, — by which means they could pass 
over dry-shod. But should even this fail, Pink- 
erton, that industrious old gentleman, who com- 
piles books, and manufactm-es Geographies, has 
constructed a natural bridge of ice, from conti- 
nent to continent, at the distance of four or five 
miles from Behring's Straits, — for which he is 
entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wan- 
dering Aborigmes who ever did or ever will pass 
over it. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none 
of the worthy writers above quoted could ever 
commence his work without immediately de- 
claring hostilities against every writer who had 
treated of the same subject. In this particular, 
authors may be compared to a certain saga- 
cious bird, wliich in buildin"j its nest is sure 



76 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

to pull to pieces the nests of all the bh-ds in 
its neighborhood. This unhappy propensity tends 
grievously to impede the progi'ess of sound 
knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle 
productions, and when once committed to the 
stream, they should take care that, like the not- 
able pots whicii were fellow-voyagers, they do 
not crack each other. 

My chief surprise is, that among the many 
writers I have noticed, no one has attempted 
to prove that this country was peopled from 
the moon, — or that the first inhabitants floated 
hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruise 
about the northern oceans, — or that they were 
conveyed hither by balloons, as modern aero- 
nauts pass from Dover to Calais, — or by witch- 
craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars, 
— or after the manner of the renowned Scyth- 
ian Abaris, who, like the New England witches 
on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard- 
of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given 
him by the Hyperborean Apollo. 

But there is still one mode left by which this 
country could have been peopled, which I have 
reserved for the last, because I consider it worth 
idl tlie rest: it is — hy accident! Speaking of 
llie islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New 
Tlolhuid, the profound father Cliarlevoix observes, 
" in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is 
possible some have been so b?/ accident. Now 
if it could have happened in that manner, why 
might it not have been at the same time, and 
by the same means \y\\h the other parts of the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 77 

globe?" This ingenious mode of deducing cer* 
tain conclusions from possible premises is ac 
nnprovement in syllogistic skill, and proves the 
good father superior even to Archimedes, foi 
lie can turn the world without anything to rcsi 
his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dex- 
terity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in an- 
other place, cuts the gordian knot : — " Notliing," 
says he, " is more easy. The inhabitants of 
both hemispheres are certainly the descendants 
of the same father. The common father of 
mankind received an express order from Heaven 
to people the world, and accordingly it has been 
peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary 
to overcome all difficulties in the way, and they 
have also been overcome ! " Pious logician ! How 
does he put all the herd of laborious theorists 
to the blush, by explaining, in five words, what 
it has cost them volumes to prove they knew 
nothing about ! 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a 
variety of others which I have consulted, but 
which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the 
unlearned reader, I can only draw the following 
conclusions, which luckily, however, are sufficient 
for my purpose. First, that this part of the 
world has actually been peopled, (Q. E. D.) to 
support which we have living proofs in the nu- 
merous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Sec- 
ondly, that it has been peopled in five hundred 
ilitferent ways, as proved by a cloud of authors 
who, from tlie positiveness of their assertions, 
seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact 



78 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Thirdly, that the people of this country had 
a variety of fathers, which, as it may not be 
thought much to their credit by the common 
run of readers, the less we say on the subject 
the better. The question, therefore, I trust, is 
ibrever at rest. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 79 



\ 




CHAPTER V. 

tW WHICH THE AUTHOR PUTS A MIGHTY QUESTION TO THE ROUT, ill 
THE ASSISTANCE OF THE MAN IN THE MOON, — WHICH NOT ONLY DE- 
LIVERS THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FROM GREAT EMBARRASSMENT, .)U1 
LIKEWISE CONCLUDES THIS INTRODUCTORY BOOK. 

HE writer of a history may, in some 
respects, be likened unto an adventu- 
rous knight, who, having undertaken a 
perilous enterprise by way of establishing his 
fame, feels bound, in honor and chivalry, to turn 
back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to 
shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may encoun- 
ter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw 
my pen, and fall to, with might and main, at 
tliose doughty questions and subtle paradoxes, 
which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset 
the entrance to my history, and would fain re- 
pulse me from the very threshold. And at this 
moment a gigantic question has started up, which 
I must needs take by the beard and utterly sub- 
due, before I can advance another step in my his- 
toric undertakino; ; but I trust this will be tlie 
last adversary I shall have to contend Avitb, and 
that in the next book I shall be enabled to con- 
duct my readers in triumph into the body of my 
ivork. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, 



80 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

is, What right had the first discoverers of America 
to land and take possession of a country, with 
out first gaining the consent of its inhabitants, oi 
yielding them an adequate compensation for their 
territory ? — a question which has withstood 
many fierce assaults, and has given mucli dis- 
tress of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folk. 
And indeed, imtil it be totally vanquished, and 
put to rest, the worthy people of America can by 
no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear 
riglit and title, and quiet, unsidlied consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property 
is acquired in a country, is discovery. For as 
all mankind liave an equal right to anything 
which has never before been appropriated, so any 
nation that discovers an uninhabited coimtry, and 
takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying 
full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire 
therein.^ 

This prop<\=iition being admitted, it follows 
clearly, that the Europeans who first visited 
America were the real discoverers of the same ; 
nothing being necessary to the establishment of 
this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally 
uninhabited by man. This would at first appear 
to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well 
known that this quarter of the world abounded 
with certain animals, that walked erect on two 
feet, had something of the human countenance, 
uttered certain unintelligible sounds, very much 
like language ; in short, had a marvellous resem- 
blance to human beings. But the zealous and 
1 Grotius. riifVL'iulorff, b. v. e. 4. Vattd. b. i. o. 18. &c. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 81 

enlightened fathers, who accompanied the discov- 
erers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom 
of heaven by establishing fat monasteries and 
bishoprics on earth, soon cleared up tliis point, 
greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the pope, 
and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers. 

They plainly proved, and as there were no In- 
dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was 
consider(;d as fully admitted and established, that 
the two-leooed race of animals before mentioned 
were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and 
many of them giants, — which last description of 
vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, 
and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and have 
received no quarter in either history, chivalry, or 
song. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon de- 
clared the Americans to be people proscribed by 
the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a bar- 
barous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding 
upon man's flesh. 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- 
barism : among many other writers of discern- 
ment, Ulloa tells us " their imbecility is so visible, 
that one can hardly form an idea of them differ- 
ent from what one has of the brutes. Nothing 
disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally 
insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though 
half naked, they are as contented as a monarch 
m his most splendid array. Fear makes no im- 
pression on them, and respect as little." All this 
is furthermore supported by the authority of M. 
Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he, " to describe 

the degree of their indifference for wealth and all 

6 



82 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

its advantages. One does not well know what 
motives to propose to them when one would per- 
suade them to any service. It is vain to offer 
them money ; they answer they are not hungry." 
And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us 
that " ambition they have none, and are more de- 
sirous of beino; thouo-ht strono; than valiant. The 
objects of ambition with us — honor, fame, reputa- 
tion, riches, posts, and distinctions — are unknown 
among them. So that this powerful spruig of 
action, the cause of so much seeniliig good and 
real evil in the world, has no power over them. 
Li a word, these unhappy mortals may be com- 
pared to children in whom the development of 
reason is not completed." 

Now all these pecidiarities, although in the 
most unenlightened states of Greece they would 
have entitled theu- possessors to immortal honor, 
as liavhig reduced to practice those rigid and 
abstemious maxims, the mere talking about 
which acquired certain old Greeks the reputa- 
tion of sages and philosophers, — yet, were 
they clearly proved in the present instance to 
betoken a most abject and brutihed nature, 
totally beneath the human character. But the 
benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn 
these unhappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint 
of argument, advanced still stronger proofs ; for, 
as certain divines of the sixteenth century, 
and among the rest Lullus, aiUrm, — the Ameri- 
cans go naked, and have no beards ! " They 
have nothing," says Lullus, ''of the reasonable 
animal, except the mask." Aiid even that mask 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 83 

was allowed to avail them but little, for it was 
80on found that they were of a hideous copper 
complexion : and being of a copper complexion, 
it was all the same as if they were negroes : and 
negroes are black, — " and black," said the pious 
fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "'is the 
color of the Devil ! " Therefore, so far from 
being able to own property, they had no right 
even to personal freedom ; for liberty is too radi- 
ant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All 
which circumstances plainly convinced the right- 
eous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that these 
miscreants had no title to the soil that they in- 
fested, — that they were a perverse, illiterate, 
dumb, beardless, black-seed, — mere Avild beasts 
of the forests, and like them should either be 
subdued or exterminated. 

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and 
a variety of others equally conclusive, Avhich I 
forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that 
this fair quarter of the globe, when lij-st visited 
by Europeans, was a howling wilderness, inhab- 
ited by nothing but wild beasts ; and that the 
transatlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible 
property therein by the right of discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now 
come to the next, Avhich is the right acquired by 
cultivation. " The cultivation of the soil," we 
are told, " is an obligation imposed by nature 
on mankind. The whole world is appointed for 
the nourishment of its inhabitants ; but it would 
be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. 
Every nation is then obliged by the law of na« 



84 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ture to cultivate the ground that has follen to ita 
share. Those people, like the ancient Germans 
and modern Tartars, who, having fertile coun- 
tries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to 
live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and 
deserve to he exterminated as savage and perni' 
cious beasts" ^ 

Now it is notorious that the savages knew 
nothing of agriculture, when first discovered by 
the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disor- 
derly, unrighteous life, — rambling from place to 
place, and prodigally rioting upon the sponta- 
neous luxuries of nature, without tasking her 
generosity to yield them anything more ; whereas 
it has been most unquestionably shown, that 
Heaven intended the earth should be ploughed 
and sown, and manured, and laid out into cities, 
and towns, and farms, and comitry - seats, and 
pleasure-grounds, and public gardens ; all which 
the Indians knew nothing about : therefore, they 
did not improve the talents Providence had be- 
stowed on them : therefore, they were careless 
stewards : therefore, they had no right to the 
soil: therefore, they deserved to be extermi- 
nated. 

It is true, the savages might plead that they 
drew all the benefits from the land which their 
simple wants required^ — they found plenty of 
game to hunt, which, together with the roots and 
uncultivated fi-uits of tlie earth, furnished a suffi- 
cient variety for their frugal repasts, — and that, 
as Heaven merely designed the earth to form 
i Vattcl, b. i. cli. 17. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 85 

the abode, and satisfy the wants of man, so 
long as those purposes were answered, the will 
of Heaven was accomplished. Iliit tliis only 
proves how undeserving they were of the bless- 
ings around them : they were so much the more 
savages, for not having more wants ; for knowl- 
edge is in some degree an increase of desires ; and 
it is this superiority both iii the number and mag- 
nitude of his desires, that distinixuislies the man 
from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in not 
ha\'ing more wants, Avere very uni-easonable ani- 
mals ; and it was but just that they should make 
way for the Europeans, who had a thousand 
wmits to their one, and, therefore, would turn the 
earth to more account, and by cultivating it, more 
truly fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides — Gro- 
tius, and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff, and Titius, 
and many wise men beside, who have considered 
the matter properly, liave determined that the 
pi^operty of a country cannot be acquired by 
hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it — 
notliing but precise demarcation of limits, and the 
intention of cultivation, can estjiblish the posses- 
sion. Now, as the savages (probably from never 
liaving read the authoi"S above quoted) had never 
complied with any of these necessary forms, it 
plainly follows that they had no right to tlie soil, 
but that it was completely at the disposal of the 
first comers, who had more knowledge, more 
(vants, and more elegant, that is to say artificial 
desires than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered, unculti- 
vated counti-y, thei-efore, the new comers were 



86 niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

but taking possession of what, according to the 
aforesaid doctrine, was their o^Aai property ; — 
therefore, in opposing them, tlie savages were 
invading their just i-ights, infringing the immu- 
table laws of nature, and counteracting the will 
of heaven : therefore, they were guilty of impi- 
ety, burglary, and trespass on the case : there- 
fore, they were hardened offenders against God 
and man : therefore, they ought to be exter- 
minated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that 
I have mentioned, and one which will be the 
most readily admitted by my reader, provided he 
be blessed with bowels of charity and philan- 
thropy, is the right acquired by civilization. All 
the \\oy\{\ Imows the lamentable state in which 
these poor savages were found. Not only de- 
ficient in the comforts of life, but what is still 
worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to 
the miseries of their situation. But no sooner 
did the benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold 
their sad condition, than they immediately went 
to work to ameliorate and improve it. They in- 
troduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and 
the other comforts of life, — and it is astonishing 
to read how soon tlie poor savages learned to 
estimate those blessings ; they likewise made 
known to them a thousand remedies, by which 
the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and 
healed ; and that they might comprehend the 
benefits and enjoy the comforts of these medi- 
cines, they j)reviousIy introduced among thera 
the diseases Avhich they were calculated to cure 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 87 

By these and a variety of other methods waa 
the condition of these poor savages wonderfully 
improved ; they acquired a thousand wants, of 
which they had before been ignorant ; and as he 
has most sources of happmess who has most 
wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly ren- 
dered a much happier race of beings. 

But the most important bi'anch of civilization, 
and which has most strenuously been extolled by 
the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish 
Church, is the introduction of the Cliristian faith. 
It was truly a sight that might well inspire hor- 
ror, to behold these savao;es tumblins^ amono- the 
dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the 
most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, 
they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were so- 
ber, frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; 
but though they acted right habitually, it was all 
in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The 
new comers, therefore, used every method to 
induce them to embrace and practise the true 
religion, — except indeed that of setting them the 
example. 

But notwithstanding all tliese complicated 
labors for their good, such was the unparalleled 
obstinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they 
vuigratefully refused to acknowledge the strangers 
as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving 
(he doctrines they endeavored to inculcate ; most 
insolently alleging, that, from tlieir conduct, the 
advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe 
'ji it themselves. Was not this too much for 
human patience ? — would not one suppose that 



88 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the benign visitants from Europe, provoked at 
their incretlulity, and discouraged by tlieir stiff- 
necked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned 
their shores, and consigned them to their origi- 
nal ignorance and misery ? But no : so zealous 
were they to effect the temporal comfort and eter- 
nal salvation of these pagan infidels, that they 
even proceeded from the milder means of persua- 
sion to the more painful and troublesome one of 
persecution, — let loose among them whole troops 
of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds, — purified 
them by fire and sword, by stake and fagot ; in 
consequence of which indefatigable measures the 
cause of Christian love and charity was so rapidly 
advanced, tliat in a few years not one fifth of the 
number of unbelievers existed in vSouth America 
that were found tliere at the time of its discoveiy. 
What stronger right need the European set- 
tlers advance to the country than this ? Have 
not whole nations of uninformed savages been 
made acquainted with a thousand imperious 
wants and indispensable comforts, of which they 
were before Avholly ignorant ? Have they not 
been literally hunted and smoked out of tlie dens 
and lurking-places of ignorance and infidelity, 
and absolutely scourged into the right path ? 
Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles 
and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt 
to engage their worldly and selfish •tlioughts, been 
benevolently taken from them ; and have tliey 
not, instead tliereof, been taught to set tlieir 
aflfections on things above ? And, finally, to 
use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 8^ 

letter to liis superior in Spain, " Can any one 
have the presumption to say that these savage 
Pagans have yielded anything more than an 
inconsiderable recompense to their benefaclortj, 
in surrendering to them a little pitiful tract of 
this dirty sublunary planet in exchange for a 
gloi'ious inheritance in the kuigdom of heaven ? " 
Here, then, are three complete and undeniable 
sources of right established, any one of which 
was more than ample to establisli a property in 
the newly-discovered i-egions of America. Now, 
so it has happened in certain parts of this de- 
lightful quarter of the globe, that the right of 
discovery has been so strenuously asserted, the 
influence of cultivation so industriously extended, 
and the progress of salvation and civilization so 
zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attend- 
ant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and 
other partial evils that often hang on the skirts 
of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, 
somehow or another, been utterly annihilated ; — • 
and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, 
which is worth all the others put together. 
For the oriofinal claimants to the soil beino- all 
dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit 
or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next 
immediate occupants, entered upon the possession 
as clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes 
k)f the malefactor ; and as they have Blackstone,' 
and all the learned expounders of the law ou 
i*heir side, they may set all actions of ejectment 
at defiance; — and tliis last riglit may b(^ entitled 

1 I'l. Com. b. ii. c. 1. 



30 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the RIGHT RY EXTERMINATION, 01', in Other words, 

tlie RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER. 

But lest any scruples of conscience should 
remain on this head, and to settle the question of 
riglit forever, liis holiness Pope Alexander VI. 
issued a bull, by which he generously granted the 
newly-discovered quarter of the globe to the 
Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus ha\dng 
law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed 
with great spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan sav- 
ages neither favor nor affection, but prosecuted 
the work of discovery, colonization, civilization, 
and extermination with ten times more fury than 
ever. 

Thus were the European worthies Avho fii'St 
discovered America cleai-ly entitled to the soil ; 
and not only entitled to tlie soil, but likewise to 
the eternal thanks of 'these infidel savages, for 
having come so far, endured so many perils by 
sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, 
for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, 
uncivilized, and heathenish condition, — for liav- 
ing made them acquainted with the comforts of 
life, — for havinfi: introduced anions; tliem tlie 
light of religion, — and, finally, for having hurried 
them out of the woi-ld, to enjoy its reward ! 

But as argument is never so well iniderstood 
by us selfish moi'tals as when it comes liome to 
ourselves, jind as I am particularly anxious that 
this question should be put to rest forever, I will 
suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the 
Ciindid attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 91 

the moon, by astonishing advancement in science, 
and by profound insight into that hniar philoso- 
phy, the mere flickerings of which have of late 
years dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the 
shallow brains of the good people of our globe, — 
let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of tlie 
moon, by these means, had arrived at such a com- 
mand of their energies, such an enviable state of 
'perfectihility, as to control the elements, and navi- 
gate the boundless regions of space. Let us 
suppose a roving crew of these soaring philoso- 
phers, in the course of an aerial voyage of dis 
covery among the stars, should chance to alight 
upon this outlandish planet. 

And here I beg my readers will not have 
the uncharitableness to smile, as is too frequently 
the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the 
grave speculations of philosophers. I am far from 
indulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is 
the supposition I have been making so wild as 
many may deem it. It has long been a very 
serious and anxious question with me, and many 
a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelm- 
ing cares and contrivances for the welfare and 
protection of this my native planet, have I lain 
awake whole nights debating in my mind, Avhetliei 
it were most probable we shoidd first discover 
und civilize the moon, or the moon discover and 
civilize our globe. Neither woidd the prodigy 
of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars 
oe a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible 
to us than was the European mystery of navi- 
gating floating castles, through the world of 



32 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

waters, to the simple natives. We have already 
discovered the art of coastins: alonjr the aerial 
shores of our planet, by means of balloons, as the 
savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in 
canoes ; and the disparity between the former 
and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers from 
ihe moon mijjht not be greater than that be- 
tween the bark canoes of the savages and the 
mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here 
pursue an endless chain of similar speculations ; 
but as they would be unimportant to my sub- 
ject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly 
if he be a philosopher, as matters well wortliy 
of his attentive consideration. 

To return, then, to my supposition ; — let us 
suppose that the aerial visitants I have men- 
tioned, possessed of vastly superior knowledge to 
ourselves ; that is to say, possessed of superior 
knowledge in the art of extermination, — riding 
on hyppogriffs, — defended with impenetrable ar- 
mor, — armed with concentrated sunbeams, and 
provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous 
moon-stones : in short, let us suppose them, if 
our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior 
to us in knowledge, and consequently in power, 
as the Europeans were to the Indians, when they 
first discovered them. All this is very possible ; 
it is only our self-sufficiency that makes us think 
otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, be- 
fore they had any knowledge of the white men, 
armed in all the teri-ors of ji-litterinfi; steel and tre 
mendous gunpowder, wei*e as perfectly convinced 
thnt they themselves were the wisest, the most 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 98 

virtuous, powerful, and perfect of created beings, 
as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhab- 
itants of old England, the volatile populace of 
France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this 
most enlightened republic. 

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voy- 
ogers, finding this planet to be nothing but a 
howling wilderness, inhabited by us, poor sav- 
ages and wild beasts, shall take formal posses- 
sion of it, in the name of his most gracious and 
philosophic excellency, the man in the moon. 
Finding, however, that their numbers ai'e in- 
competent to hold it in complete subjection, on 
account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabi- 
tants, they shall take our worthy President, the 
King of England, the Emperor of Hayti, the 
mighty Bonaparte, and the great King of Ban- 
tam, and returning to their native planet, shall 
carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs 
led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette 
of the court i-equires, they shall address the puis- 
sant man in the moon, in, as near as I can con- 
jecture, the following terms : — 

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose 
dominions extend as far as eye can reach, who 
rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a 
looking-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled con- 
trol over tides, madmen, and sea - crabs. We, 
thy liege subj*icts, have just returned from a 
voyage of discovery, in the course of which we 
lave landed and taken possession of that ob- 
scure little du'ty planet, which thou beholdest 



94 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, 
which we have brought into this august pres- 
ence, were once very important chiefs among 
their fellow-savages, who are a race of beings 
totally destitute of the common attributes of hu- 
manity ; and differing in every thing from the in- 
habitants of the moon, inasmuch as they carry 
their heads upon their shoulders, instead of un- 
der their arms, — have two eyes instead of one, 
— are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety 
of unseemly complexions, particularly of horrible 
whiteness, instead of pea-green. 

" We have moreover found these miserable 
savages sunk into a state of the utmost igno- 
rance and depravity, every man shamelessly 
living with his own wife, and rearing his own 
children, instead of indulging in that commu- 
nity of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as 
expounded by the philosophers of the moon. 
In a word, they have scarcely a gleam of true 
philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter 
heretics, ignoramuses, and barbarians. Taking 
compassion, therefore, on the sad condition of 
these sublunary wretches, we have endeavored, 
while we remained on their planet, to introduce 
among them the light of reason, and the com- 
forts of the moon. We have treated them to 
mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts of nitroua 
oxide, which they swallowed with incredible vo- 
racity, particularly the females ; and we have 
likewise endeavored to instil into them the pre- 
cepts of lunar philosophy. We have insisted 
upon their renouncing the o»jntemptible shacklcH 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 95 

of religion and common sense, and adoring the 
profound, omnipotent, and all - perfect energy, 
and the ecstatic, immntable, immovable perfec- 
tion. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy 
of these wretched savages, that they persisted 
in cleaving to their Avives, and adhering to 
their religion, and absolutely set at naught the 
sublime doctrines of the moon, — nay, among 
other abominable heresies, they even went so 
far as blasphemously to declare, that this inef- 
fable planet was made of nothing more nor less 
than s:reen cheese ! " 



to' 



At these words, the great man in the moon 
(being a very profound philosopher) shall fall 
into a terrible passion, and possessing equal au- 
thority over things that do not belong to him, 
as did whilom his holiness the Pope, sliall forth- 
with issue a formidable bull, specifying, " That, 
whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately 
discovered, and taken possession of a newly-dis- 
covered planet called the earth; and that, where- 
as it is inhabited by none but a race of two- 
leffcred animals that carry their heads on their 
shoulders instead of under their arms, cannot 
talk the lunatic language, have two eyes instead 
of one, are destitute of tails, and of a horril)le 
whiteness, instead of pea-green : — therefore, and 
for a variety of other excellent reasons, they ai'c 
considered uicapable of possessing any property 
in the planet they infest, and the riglit and title 
to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. 
And furthermore, the colonists who are now 
about to depart to the aforesaid planet are an- 



96 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

tliorized and commanded to use every means to 
convert these infidel savages from the darkness 
of Christianity, and make them thorougli and 
absohite hniatics." 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our 
philosophic benefactors go to work with hearty 
zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories, 
scourge us from our i-ightful possessions, relieve us 
from our wives ; and when we are unrcjisontible 
enougli to complain, they will tuni upon us and 
say : Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful wretches ! 
have we not come thousands of miles to improve 
yoiu" wortiiless planet ; have we not fed you with 
moonshine ; have we not intoxicated you with 
nitrous oxide ; does not our moon give you light 
every night ; and have you the baseness to mur- 
mur when we claim a pitiful return for all these 
benefits ? But finding that we not only persist in 
absolute contempt of their reasoning and disbe- 
lief in their philosophy, but even go so far as 
daringly to defend oiu* property, their patience 
shall be exhausted, and they shall resort to their 
superior powers of argument : hunt us with hyp- 
pogritfs, transfix us with concentrated sunbeams, 
demolish our cities with moon-stones ; until hav- 
ing, by main force, converted us to the true faith, 
they sliall graciously permit us to exist in the 
torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of 
Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civiliza- 
tion and the charms of lunar ])liilosophy, in 
iinicli tiie same manner as the reformed and en- 
lightened savages of this country ai-e kindly 
Buffered to inhabit the nihospitable forests of the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 97 

north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South 
America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strik- 
ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists 
lo the possession of this country ; and thus is 
(Ills gigantic question completely vanquished: so, 
having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and 
subdued all opposition, what remauis but that I 
should forthwith conduct my readers into the 
city which we have been so long in a manner 
besieging ? But hold ; before I proceed another 
step, I must pause to take breath, and recover 
from the excessive fatigue I have undergone, in 
preparing to begin this most accurate of histo- 
ries. And in this I do but imitate the example 
of a renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who 
took a start of three miles for the purpose of 
jumpuig over a hill, but having run liimself out 
of breath by the time he reached the foot, sat 
himself quietly down for a few moments to blow, 
and then walked over it at his leisure. 




BOOK 11. 

TREATING OF TUE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF TUE PROVINCB 
OF NIEUW-NEDERLANDTS. 



CHAPTER I. 




IN WHICH ARE CONTAINED BIVERS REASONS WHY A MAX SHOULD NOT 
WRITE IN A HURRY ; ALSO, OF MASTER UENDRICK HUDSON, UIS DIS- 
COVERY OP A STRANGE COUNTRY, — AND HOW HE WAS MAGNIFICENTLY 
REWARDED BY THE MUNIFICENCE OF THEIR HIGH MIGHTINESSES. 

^Y great-grandfather, by the mother's 
side, Hermanns Van Clattercop, when 
employed to build the large stone 
chnrch at Rotterdam, which stands abont three 
hundred yards to your left after you turn off 
fi-om the Boomkeys, and which is so conven- 
iently constructed, that all the zealous Chris- 
tians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a 
sermon there to any other church in the city, 
— my great-grandfatlier, I say, when employed 
to build that famous church, did in the first 
place send to Delft for a box of long pipes,' 
then having purchased a new spitting-box and 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 99 

d hiindred-Aveight of the best Virginia, lie sat 
himself down, and did nothing for the space 
of three months but smoke most laboriously. 
Then did he spend full three months more in 
trudging on foot, and voyaging in trekschuit, 
from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to 
Ilaerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, knocking 
his head and breaking his pipe against every 
church in his road. Then did he advance grad- 
ually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he 
rjame in full sight of the identical spot whereon 
the church Avas to be built. Then did he spend 
three months lon<2;er in walkino; round it and 
round it, contemplating it, first from one point 
of view, and then from another, — now would 
he be paddled by it on the canal, — now would 
he peep at it through a telescope from the other 
side of the Meuse, and now Avould he take a 
bird's-eye glance at it from the top of one of 
those gigantic windmills which protect the gates 
of the city. The good folks of the place were 
on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience ; — 
notwithstanding all the turmoil of my great- 
grandfather, not a symptom of the church was 
yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it woidd 
never be brought into the w^orld, but that it3 
great projector would lie down and die in labor 
of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, 
having occupied twelve good months in puffing 
and paddling, and talking and walking, — hav- 
ing travelled over all Holland, and even taken 
a peep into France and Germany, — having 
smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, and 



100 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

three hundred-weight of the best Virginia to« 
bacco, — my great-grandfather gathered together 
all that knowing and industrious class isf citi- 
zens who prefer attending to anybody's business 
sooner than their ow^n, and having pulled oft* his 
coat and five pair of breeches, he adv^anced stur- 
dily up and laid the corner-stone of the church, 
in presence of the whole multitude — just at the 
commencement of the thirteenth month. 

In a similar maimer, and with the example of 
my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I 
proceeded in writing this most authentic history. 
The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my 
great-grandfather was doing nothing at all to the 
purpose, while he was making such a world of 
prefatory bustle about the building of his church, 
— and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this 
fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
preliminary chapters, with the discovery, popu- 
lation, and final settlement of America, were to- 
tally irrelevant and superfluous, — and that the 
main business, the history of New York, is not 
a jot more advanced than if I had never taken 
up my pen. Never were wise people more mis- 
taken in their conjectures : in consequence of 
going to work slowly and deliberately, the church 
came out of my gi-andfather's hands one of the 
most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious edifices in 
the known world, — excepting that, like our mag- 
nificent capitol, at Washington, it was begun on 
so grand a scale that the good folks could not 
afford to finish more than the wing of it. So, 
Ukevs-ise, I trust, if ever I am able to finish tliia 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 101 

work on the plan I have commenced, (of which, 
in simple truth, I sometimes have my doubts,) 
it will be found that I have pursued the latest 
rules of my art, as exemplified in the Avritings 
of all the great American historians, and wrought 
a very large history out of a small subject, — 
which, nowadays, is considered one of the great 
triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then, with 
the thread of my story. 

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, 
on a Saturday morning, the five-and-twentieth 
day of March, old style, did that '' worthy and 
irrecoverable discoverer, (as lie has jnstly been 
called,) Master Ileiuy Hudson," set sail from 
Holland in a stout \'essel called the Half-JNEoon, 
being employed by the Dutch East India Com- 
pany, to seek a north\\'est passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, 
Hendrick) Hudson was a seafaring man of re- 
nown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under 
Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the 
first to introduce it into Holland, which gained 
him much popularity in that country, and caused 
him to find great favor in the eyes of their High 
Mightinesses, the Lords States General, and also 
of the honorable West India Company. He was 
a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a 
ijuuble chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper 
nose, which was supposed in those days to have 
acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighbor- 
hood of his tobacco-pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Fen-ara, tucked in 
\ leathern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat 



102 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

on one side of his head. He was remarkable 
for always jerking up his breeches when he 
gave out his orders, and liis voice sounded not 
unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, — - owing to 
the number of hard northwesters which he had 
swallowed in the course of his seafaring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we 
have heard so much, and know so little ; and 
I have been thus particular in his description 
for the benefit of modern painters and statua- 
ries, that they may represent him as he was, — 
and not, according to their common custom with 
modern heroes, make him look like Ctesar, or 
Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere. 

As chief mate and favorite companion, the 
commodore chose master Robert Juet, of Lime- 
house, in England. By some his name has been 
spelled Chewlt, and ascribed to the circumstances 
of his having been the first man that ever 
chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere 
flippancy ; more especially as certain of his pro- 
geny are living at this day, who write their 
names Juet. He was an old comrade and early 
sclioolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he 
had often played truant and sailed cliip boats in 
a neighboring pond, when they were little boys : 
from whence it is said that the commodore first 
derived his bias towards a seafaring life. Certain 
it Is, tluit the old people about LImehouse declared 
Robert Juet to be an unlucky ui-chin, prone to 
mischief, that would one day or other come to tho 
gallows. 

He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 103 

up, a rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about in 
all quarters of the world, — meeting with more 
perils and wonders than did Sinbad the Sailor, 
without growing a whit more wise, prudent, or 
ill - natured. Under every misfortune, he com- 
forted himself with a quid of tobacco, and the 
truly pliilosophic maxim, that " it will be all the 
same thing a hundred years hence." He was 
skilled Lti the art of carvino- anchors and true 
lover's knots on the bulk-heads and quarter-rail- 
ings, and was considered a great wit on board 
ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on 
everybody around, and now and then even mak- 
ing a wry face at old Hendrick, when his back 
was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for 
many particulars concerning this voyage ; of 
which he ^vi'ote a history, at the request of the 
commodore, who had an unconquerable aversion 
to ^vriting himself, from having received so many 
floggings about it when at school. To supply 
the deficiencies of master Juet's journal, which 
is written with true log-book brevity, I have 
availed myself of divers family traditions, handed 
down from my great-great-grandfather, who ac- 
companied the expedition in the capacity of cabin- 
boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy 
of remark happened in the voyage ; and it mor- 
tifies me exceedingly that I have to admit so 
noted an expedition into my Avork, without mak- 
ing any more of it. 

SutTi^e it to say, the voyage was prosperous 



104 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

and tranquil ; the crew, being a patient people, 
much given to slumber and vacuity, and but lit- 
tle troubled with the disease of thinking, — a 
malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of 
discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance of 
gin and sourkrout, and every man was allowed 
to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind blew. 
True it is, some slight disaffection was shown on 
two or three occasions, at certam unreasonable 
conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus, for in- 
stance, he forbore to shorten sail when the wind 
was light, and the weather serene, which was 
considered among the most experienced Dutch 
seamen as certain weather - breeders, or prognos- 
tics that the weather would change for the worse. 
He acted, moreover, in direct conti-adiction to 
that ancient and sa";e rule of the Dutch navisra- 

O CD 

tors, who always took in sail at night, put the 
helm a-port, and turned in, — by which precau- 
tion they had a good night's rest, were sure of 
knowing where they were the next morning, and 
stood but little chance of running down a conti- 
nent in the dark. He likewise prohibited the 
seamen from wearmg more than five jackets and 
six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering 
them more alert ; and no man was permitted to 
go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in liis 
mouth, as is the invariable Dutch custom at the 
present day. All these grievances, though tliey 
mi":ht ruftle for a moment tlie constitutional tran- 
quillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but tran- 
flient impression ; — they ate hugely, drank pi-o- 
fusely, and slept immeasurably ; and being under 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 105 

fche especial guidance of Providence, tlie ship was 
Bafely conducted to the coast of America ; where, 
after sundry unimportant touchings and standings 
off and on, she at length, on the fourtli day of 
September, entered that majestic bay which at 
this day expands its ample bosom before the 
city of New York, and wliich had never befoi'e 
been visited by any European.^ 

It has been traditionary in our family, that 
when the great navigator was first blessed with 

1 True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact — that in a 
certain apocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hak- 
luyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by 
one Giovaniie, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are 
inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay had been 
visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enter- 
prising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the counte- 
nance of certain very Judicious and learned men) I hold in 
utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial 
reasons : First, Because on strict examination it will be 
tbund, that the description given by this Verazzani applies 
about as well to the bay of New York as it does to my night- 
cap. Si-condhj, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom 
1 already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of 
Florence : and everybody knows the crafty Aviles of these 
losel Florentines, by which they hiched away the laurels from 
the brows of the immortal Colon, (vulgarly called Coluiiibus,) 
and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo 
Vespucci; and 1 make no doubt they are efjually ready to 
rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of discovering this 
beautiful island, adorned by tl>e city of New York, and pla- 
cing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. 
And, thirdly, I award my decision in favor of the pretensiona 
of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from 
Hollaiul, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise; — 
and though all the proofs in the world were introduced on 
the other side, I would set them at naught, as undeserving 
my attention. If these three reasons be not sufficient to sat- 
■>sty every burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they 
are degenerate desceiulants from their venerable Dutch ances- 
tors, and totally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, 
hert?tbre, tiie title of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned dis- 
covery is fully vindicated. 



106 UrSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

a view of tliis enchanting island, he was ob- 
served, for the first and only time in his life, to 
exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment and 
admiration. He is said to have turned to mas- 
ter Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, 
while he pointed towards this paradise of the 
new world, — " See ! there ! " — and thereupon, as 
was always his way when he was uncommonly 
pleased, he did puff out such clouds of densft 
tobacco-smoke, that in one minute the vessel 
was out of sight of land, and master Juet was 
fain to wait mitil the winds dispersed this im- 
penetrable fog. 

It was indeed, — as my great-grandfather used 
to say, — though m truth I never heard him, for 
he died, as might be expected, before I was born 
— " It was indeed a spot on which the eye might 
have revelled forever, in ever new and never-end- 
ing beauties." The island of Mannahata spread 
wide before them, like some sweet vision of 
fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic 
Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one 
above another, crowned with lofty trees of 
luxuriant growth ; some pointing tlieir tapering 
foliage towards the clouds, which were glori- 
ously transparent ; and others loaded with a ver- 
dant burden of clamberina; vines, bowinji^ their 
in'anches to the earth, that was covered with 
(lowers. On the gentle declivities of the liills 
were scattered in gay profusion, the dog-wood, 
the sumacli, and tiie wild brier, whose scarlet 
beiTlcs and white blossoms glowed brightly 
among the deep gi-een of the surrounding foli- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK 107 

age ; and here and there a cui'ling column of 
smoke, rising from the little glens that opened 
along the sliore, seemed to promise the weary 
voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fel- 
low-creatures. As they stood gazing Avitli en- 
tranced attention on the scene before them, a 
red man, crowned with feathers, issued from 
one of these glens, and after contemplating in 
wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately 
swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the 
warwhoop, and bounded into the woods like a 
wild deer, to tlie utter astonishment of the 
phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard 
such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in then* 
whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with 
the savages, and how the latter smoked copper 
pipes, and ate dried currants ; how they brought 
great store of tobacco and oysters ; how they 
shot one of the ship's crew, and how he was 
buried, I shall say nothing ; being that I con- 
sider them unimportant to my history. After 
tarrying a few days in the bay, in order to re- 
fresh themselves after their seafaring, our voy- 
agers weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river 
wliich emptied into the bay. This river, it is 
said, was known among the savages by the name 
of the S/iatemuck ; thouofh we are assured in an 
excellent little history published in 1G74, by 
John Jossel}ni, Gent., that it was called the 
Mohegan} and master Richard Bloome, who 

1 This river is likewise laid down in 0,t;"ilvy's map as Man- 
hattan — Noordt Montaiiiiie and Mauritius river. 



108 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same, 
— so that I very much incline in favor of the 
opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this 
as it may, up this river did the adventurous 
Hendrick proceed, little doubting but it would 
turn out to be the much looked-for passage to 
China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of 
divers interviews between the crew and the 
natives, in the voyage iip the river ; but as 
they would be impertinent to my history, I shall 
pass over them in silence, except the following 
dry joke, played off by tlie old commodore and 
his school-fellow, Robert Juet, which does such 
vast credit to their experimental philosophy, that 
I cannot refrain from inserting it. " Our master 
and his mate determined to try some of the 
chiefe men of the countrey, .whether they had 
any treacherie in them. So they tooke them 
downe into the cabin, and gave them so much 
wine and aqua vitos, that tliey were all merrie ; 
and one of them had his wife witli liim, which 
sate so modestly, as any of om* countrey women 
would do in a strange place. Li tlie end, one of 
them was drunke, which had been aborde of our 
sliip all tlie time that we had been there, and 
that was strange to them, for they could not tell 
how to take it." ^ 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious ex- 
periment, that the natives were an honest, so- 
cial race of jolly roysters, who had no objection 
to a drinking-bout and were very meriy in their 
1 Juct's Journ. Purch. Pil. 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 109 

cups, the old commodore chuckled hugely to him- 
self, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in 
his cheek, du^ected master Juet to have it care- 
fully recorded, for the satisfaction of all the nat- 
ural philosophers of the university of Leyden, — - 
wliich done, he proceeded on his voyage, with 
great self-complacency. After sailing, however 
above an hundred miles up the river, he found 
the watery world around him began to grow 
more shallow and confined, the current more 
rapid, and perfectly fresh, — phenomena not un- 
common in the ascent of rivers, but which puz- 
zled the honest Dutchmen prodigiously. A 
consultation was therefore called, and having 
deliberated full six hours, they were brought to 
a determination by the ship's rumiing aground, 
— whereupon they unanimously concluded, that 
there was but little chance of getting to China 
in this direction. A boat, however, was de- 
spatched to explore higher up the river, which, on 
its return, confirmed the opinion ; upon this the 
ship was warped off and put about, with great 
difficulty, bemg, like most of her sex, exceed- 
ingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous Hud- 
son, according to the account of my great-gi'eat- 
grandfather, returned down the river — with a 
prodigious flea in his ear ! 

Being satisfied that there was little hkelihood 
of getting to China, unless, like the blind man, 
he returned from whence he set out, and took a 
fresh start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Hol- 
land, where he was received with great welcome 
by the honorable East India Company, who were 



110 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

very much rejoiced to see him come back safe — 
with their sliip ; and at a large and respectable 
meetinoj of the first merchants and burgomasters 
of Amsterdam, it was unanimously determined, 
that, as a munificent reward for the eminent 
services he had performed, and the important 
discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan 
should be called after his name ! — and it con- 
tinues to be called Hudson river unto this very 
day. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK HI 




CHAPTER n. 

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OP A ^^GHTT ARK ^VHICH FLOATED, UNDER 
THE PROTECTION OF ST. NICHOLAS, FROM HOLLAND TO GIBBET IS- 
LAND, — THE DESCENT OF THE STRANGE ANIMALS THEREFROM, — A 
GREAT VICTORY, AND A DESCRIPTION OP THE ANCIENT VILLAGE OF 
COMMUNIPAW. 

'HE delectable accounts given by the great 
Hudson, and master Juet, of the coun- 
try they had discovered, excited not a 
Httle talk and speculation among the good people 
of Holland. Letters - patent were granted by 
government to an association of merchants, called 
the West India Company, for the exclusive trade 
on Hudson river, on which they erected a trad- 
ing-house, called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from 
whence did spring the great city of Albany. But 
I forbear to dwell on the various commercial and 
colonizing enterprises which took place, — among 
which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, wlio 
discovered and gave a name to Block Island, 
since famous for its cheese, — and shall barely 
confine myself to that which gave birth to tliis 
renowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the rc- 
tm'n of the immortal Hendrick, that a crew of 
honest, Low-Dutch colonists set sail from the 
city of Amsterdam for the shores of America. 
It is an UTeparable loss to history, and a great 



:i2 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamen- 
table neglect of the noble art of book-making, 
Bince so industriously cultivated by knowing sea- 
captams, and learned supercargoes, that an expe- 
dition so interestmg and important in its results 
should be passed over in utter silence. To my 
great-great-gi'andfather am I again indebted for 
the few facts I am enabled to give concerning it, 
— he having once more embarked for this coun- 
try, with a full determination, as he said, of end- 
ing his days here, and of begetting a race of 
Knickerbockers that should rise to be great men 
in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventur- 
ers set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or good 
woman, in compliment to the wife of the Presi- 
dent of the West India Company, who was al- 
lowed by everybody (except her husband) to be 
a sweet-tempered lady — when not in liquor. It 
was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most 
approved 'Dutch construction, and made by the 
ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is 
well knoAATi, always model their ships after the 
fair forms of theu- countrywomen. Accordingly, 
it had one hundred feet in the beam, one hundred 
feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the 
bottom of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like 
the beauteous model, who was declared to be the 
greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full in the 
bows, with a pair of enormous cat-heads, a cop- 
per bottom, and withal a most prodigious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a relig- 
ious man, far from decorating the ship with pa- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 1]3 

gall idols, such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules, 
(which heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, 
occasion the misfortunes and ship\vi'eck of many 
a noble vessel,) — he, I say on the contrary, did 
laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of St. 
Nicholas, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed 
l.at, a huge paii' of Flemish trmik-hose, and a 
pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. 
Thus, gallantly furnished, the stanch ship floated 
sideways, like a majestic goose, out of the harbor 
of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, 
that were not otherwise engaged, rang a triple 
bobmajor on the joyful occasion. 

My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the 
voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for, being 
under the especial care of the ever-revered St. 
Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed 
with quahties unknown to common vessels. Thus 
she made as much leeway as headway, could get 
along very nearly as fast with the wind ahead 
as when it was a-poop, — and was particularly 
great in a calm ; in consequence of which suigu- 
lar advantages she made out to accomplish her 
voyage in a very few months, and came to an- 
chor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to tlie 
oast of Gibbet Island. 

Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on 
what is at present called the Jersey shore, a 
small Indian village, pleasantly embowered in a 
gro^e of spreading elms, and the natives all col- 
lected on the beach, gazing in stupid admiration 
at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was immediately 
despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and 



114 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

approaching the shore, hailed them thi'ough a 
trumpet, \i\ the most friendly terms ; but so hor- 
ribly confounded were these poor savages at the 
tremendous and uncouth sound of the Low-Dutch 
language, that they one and all took to their 
heels, and scampered over the Bergen hills ; nor 
did they 'Stop until they had buried themselves, 
head and ears, m the marshes on the other side, 
where they all miserably perished to a man ; — 
and their bones, being collected and decently 
covered by the Tammany Society of that day, 
formed that shigular mound called Rattlesnake 
Hill, which rises out of the centre of the salt 
marshes a little to the east of the Newark 
Causeway. 

Animated by this unlooked - for victory, our 
valiant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took 
possession of the soil as conquerors, in the name 
of then- Hio-h Mio-htinesses the Lords States Gen- 
eral ; and, marching fearlessly forward, carried 
the village of Communipaw by storm, notwith- 
standing that it was vigorously defended by some 
half a score of old squaws and pappooses. On 
looking about them they were so transported 
with the excellencies of the place, that they had 
very little doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had 
guided them thither, as the very spot whereon 
to settle their colony. The softness of the soil 
was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles 
the swamps and marshes around them afforded 
ample opportunities for the constructing of dykes 
imd dams ; the shallowness of the slioi-e was pe- 
culiarly favorable to the building of docks ; — in a 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 115 

word, this spot abounded with all the requisites 
for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On 
niakmg a faithful report, therefore, to the crew 
of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all deter- 
mined that this was the destined end of their 
N'oyage. Accordingly they descended from the 
Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, in 
goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from 
tlie iirk, and formed themselves into a thriving 
settlement, which they called by the Indimi name 

COMMUNIPAW. 

As all tlie world is doubtless perfectly ac- 
quainted with Communipaw, it may seem some- 
what superfluous to treat of it in the present 
work ; but my readers will please to recollect, 
notwithstanding it is my chief desire to satisfy 
the present age, yet I -wi'ite likewise for posterity, 
and have to consult the understanding and curi- 
osity of some half a score of centuries yet to 
come, by which time, perhaps, were it not for 
this invaluable history, tlie great Communipaw, 
like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great 
cities, might be perfectly extinct, — sunk and for- 
gotten in its own mud, — its inhabitants turned 
into oysters,^ and even its situation a fertile sub- 
ject of learned controversy and hard-headed in- 
xestiij-ation amouij indefatio-able historians. Let 
ine tlien piously rescue from oblivion the humble 
lelics of a place, which was the egg from whence 
was hatched the mighty city of NeAV York ! 

Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
pUiasantly situated, among rui'al scenery, on that 

I Men b}- iuactiuii degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes. 



UCi HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

beauteous part of the Jersey shore which waa 
known in ancient legends by the name of Pa- 
vonia,^ and commands a grand prospect of the su- 
perb bay of New York. It is within but half an 
hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have 
a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the 
city. Nay, it is a well-knoAvn fact, which I can 
testify from my own experience, that on a clear, 
still summer evening, you may hear, from the 
Battery of New York, the obstreperous peals of 
broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at 
Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are 
famous for their risible powers. This is pecu- 
liarly the case on Simday evenings, when, it is 
remarked by an ingenious and observant philos- 
opher, who has made great discoveries in the 
neighborhood of this city, that they always laugh 
loudest, which he attributes to the circumstance 
of their having their holiday clothes on. 

These negroes, in fact, like the monks of the 
dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, 
and being infinitely more adventurous and more 
knowino: than their masters, caiTv on all the for- 
eign trade ; making frequent voyages to town in 
canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cab- 
bages. They are great astrologers, predicting 
the different changes of weather almost as accu- 
rately as an almanac; they are moreover exqui- 
site performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in whist- 
ling they almost boast the far-fiimed powers of 
Oj'pheus's lyre, for not a horse or an ox m the 

' Pavonia, in tlie ancient maps, is given to a tract of coun- 
iry extundin'T iVoni tibont Iloboken to Amboy. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 117 

place, when at the plough or before the wagon, 
will budge a foot until he hears the well-known 
whistle of his black driver and companion. — 
And from their amazing skill at casting up ac- 
counts upon then' fingers, they are regarded with 
as much veneration as were the disciples of Py- 
thagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred 
quaternary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like 
wise men and sound philosophers, they never look 
beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about 
any affairs out of their immediate neighborhood ; 
so that they live in profound and enviable igno- 
rance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolu- 
tions of this distracted planet. I am even told 
that many among them do verily believe that 
Holland, of which they have heard so much from 
tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island, 
— that Spiking-devil and the Narroivs are the 
two ends of the world, — that the country is 
still under the dominion of their High Mighti- 
nesses, — and that the city of New York still goes 
by the name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet 
every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in 
the place, which bears as a sign a square-headed 
likeness of the Prince of Orange, where they 
smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social 
conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider 
to the success of Admiral Van Tromp, who they 
imagine is still sweepmg the British chamiel, 
with a broom at liis mast-head. 

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous 
little villages in the vicinity of this most beauti- 



118 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

fill of cities, which are so many strongholds and 
fastnesses, whither the primitive manners of our 
Dutch forefathers have retreated, and where they 
are cherished with devout and scrupulous strict- 
ness. The dress of the original settlers is handed 
down inviolate, from father to son : tlie identical 
broad-brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad- 
bottomed breeches, continue from generation to 
generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of 
massy silver are still in wear, that made gallant 
display in the days of the patriarchs of Com- 
munipaw. The language like^vise continues un- 
adulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so 
critically correct is the village schoolmaster in his 
dialect, that his reading of a Low-Dutch psalm 
has much the same effect on the nerves as the 
filing of a handsaw. 



HISTORY OF VEW YORK. 119 




CHAPTER in. 

IN WHICH IS SET FORTH THE TRUE ART OF MAKING A BARGAIN — TO- 
OETHER WITH THE MIRACULOUS ESCAPE OF A GREAT METROPOUS IN A 
FOG — AND THE BIOGRAPHY OF CERTAIN HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW. 

AYING, in the trifling digression wliich 
concluded the last chapter, discharged 
fzjQ the filial duty which the city of New 
York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother 
settlement, and having given a faithful picture 
of it as it stands at present, I return with a 
soothing sentiment of self-approbation, to dwell 
upon its early history. The crew of the Goede 
Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importa- 
tions from Holland, the settlement went jollily 
on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity. The 
neighboring Indians in a short time became ac- 
customed to the imcouth sound of the Dutch 
language, and an intercourse gradually took place 
between them and the new comers. The Indians 
were much given to long talks, and the Dutch 
to long silence ; — in this particular, therefore, 
they accommodated each other completely. The 
chiefs Avould make long speeches about the big 
bull, the Wabash, and the Great Spirit, to which 
the others would listen very attentively, smoke 
their pipes, and grunt yah, myn-her, — whereat 
the poor savages were wondrously delighted. 



120 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Tliey instructed the new settlers in the best art 
of curing and smoking tobacco, while the latter 
in retiu-n, made tliem drunk with true Hollands 
— and then taught them the art of making bar- 
gnins. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened ; the 
Dutch traders Avere scrupulously honest in their 
dealings, and purchased by Aveight, establishing it 
as an invariable table of avoirdupois, that the 
hand of a Dutchman weighed one poiuid, and his 
foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians 
wei-e often puzzled by the gi-eat disproportion be- 
tween bidk and weight, for let them place a bmi- 
dle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a 
Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the 
bundle was sure to kick the beam ; — never was 
a package of fiu's known to weigh more than 
two pounds in the market of Commuinpaw ! 

This is a singular fact, — but I have it direct 
from my great-great-grandfather, who had risen 
to considerable importance in the colony, being 
promoted to the office of weigh-master, on ac- 
count of the uncommon heaviness of his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in tliis part of the 
globe began now to assume a very thriving ap- 
pearance, and were comprehended under the gen- 
eral title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as 
the sage Vander Donck observes, of their groat 
resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands, — which 
indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the 
former were ru2:2:ed and mountainous, and the 
latter level and marsliy. About tliis time the 
tranquillity of the Dutcl ^>olonists was doomed 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 121 

to suffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, 
Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a com- 
mission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited 
the Dutch settlements on Hudson River, and 
demanded their submission to the English crown 
and Yirojinian dommion. To this arroorant de- 
mand, as they were in no condition to resist it, 
they submitted for the time, like discreet and 
reasonable men. 

"It does not appear that the valiant Argal 
molested the settlement of Communipaw ; on the 
contrary, I am told that when his vessel first 
hove in sight, the worthy burghers were seized 
with such a panic, that they fell to smoking their 
pipes with astonishing vehemence ; insomuch that 
they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining 
with the surrounding woods and marshes, com- 
pletely enveloped and concealed their beloved vil- 
lage, and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia, 
— so that the terrible Captain Argal passed on, 
totally imsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch set- 
tlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under 
cover of all this pestilent vapor. Li commemo- 
ration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhab- 
itants have continued to smoke, almost without 
intermission, unto this very day ; wliich is said 
to be the cause of the remarkable fog which 
often hangs over Communipaw of a clear after- 
noon. 

Upon the departure of the enemy, om* worthy 
ancestors took full six months to recover tlieir 
»vind and get over the consternation into wliich 
they had been tlu'o^vn. They then called a coun- 



122 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

cil of safety to smoke over the state of the prov- 
ince. At this council presided one Oloffe Van 
Kortlandt, a personage who was held in great 
reverence among the sages of Communipaw for 
the variety and darkness of his knowledge. He 
had originally been one of a set of peripatetic 
philosophers who passed much of then' time 
sunning themselves on the side of the great 
canal of Amsterdam in Holland ; enjoying, like 
Diogenes, a free and unencumbered estate in sun- 
shine. His name Kortlandt (Shortland or Lack- 
land) was supposed, like that of the illustrious 
Jean Sansterre, to indicate that he had no land ; 
but he insisted, on the contrary, that he had 
great landed estates somewhere in Terra Incog- 
nita ; and he had come out to the new world to 
look after them. He was the first great land- 
speculator that we read of in these pai*ts. 

Like all land-speculators, he was much given 
to dreaming. Never did anything extraordinary 
hapnen at Communipaw but he declared that he 
had previously dreamt it, being one of those 
infallible prophets who predict events after they 
have come to pass. This supernatural gift was 
as highly valued among tlie burghers of Pavonia 
as among the enliglitened nations of antiquity. 
The wise Ulysses was more indebted to his sleep- 
ing than his wakinsi: moments for his most subtle 
achievements, and seldom undertook any great ex- 
ploit without first soundly sleeping upon it ; and 
the same may be said of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, 
who was thence aptly denominated Oloffe the 
Dreamer. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 123 

As yet his dreams and speculations had turned 
to little personal profit ; and he was as much a 
lack-land as ever. Still he carried a high head 
in the commmiity ; if his sugar-loaf hat was 
rather the worse for wear, he set it off ^vith a 
taller cock's-tail ; if liis shirt was none of the 
cleanest, he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; 
and if the tail of it peeped out of a hole in his 
breeches, it at least proved that it really had a 
tail and was not mere ruffle. 

The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in 
question, urged the policy of emerging from the 
swamps of Communipaw and seeking some more 
eligible site for the seat of empire. Such, he 
said, was the advice of the good St. Nicholas, who 
had appeared to him in a dream the night before ; 
and Avhom he had known by his broad hat, his 
long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore 
to the figure on the bow of the Groede Vrouw. 

Many have thought this dream was a mere 
invention of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who, it is said, 
had ever regarded Communipaw with an evil eye 
because he had arrived there after all the land 
had been shared out, and who was anxious to 
change the seat of empire to some new place, 
where he might be present at the distribution 
of " town lots." But we must not give heed to 
such insinuations, which are too apt to be ad- 
vanced against those worthy gentlemen engaged 
h\ laying out toAvns, and in other land-specula- 
tions. For my own part, I am disposed to place 
the same implicit faith in the vision of Oloffe the 
Dreamer that was manifested by the honest burgh- 



124 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ers of Commiinipaw, who one and all agreed 
that an expedition should be forthwith fitted out 
to go on a voyage of discovery in quest of a new 
seat of empire. 

This perilous enterprise was to be conducted 
by OlofFe himself; who chose as lieutenants or 
coadjutors Mynheers Abraham Hardenbroeck, 
Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten Broeck, — 
three indubitably great men, but of whose his- 
tory, although I have made diligent inquiry, I 
can learn but little previous to their leaving 
Holland. Nor need this occasion much surprise ; 
for adventurers, like prophets, though they make 
great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity 
in their o\^ti countries ; but this much is cer- 
tain, that the overflowing's and offscourino-s of 
a country are invariably composed of the rich- 
est parts of the soil. And here I cannot help 
remarking how convenient it would be to many 
of our great men and great families of doubt- 
ful origin, could they have the privilege of the 
heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was 
involved in obscurity, modestly announced them- 
selves descended from a god, — and Avho never 
visited a foreign country but what they told some 
cock-and-bull stories about their behif? kin^-s and 
princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, 
though it has been occasionally played off by 
some pseudo-marquis, baronet, and other illus- 
trious foreigner, in our land of good-natured cre- 
dulity, has been completely discountenanced in 
this skeptical, matter-of-fact age ; and I even 
question whether any tender virgin, who was 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 125 

accidentally and unaccountably enriched ^ivith ? 
bantling, would save her character at parlor fire- 
sides and evening tea-parties by ascribing the 
plienomenon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a 
river god. 

Had I the benefit of mythology and classic 
fable above alluded to, I should have furnished 
the first of the trio with a pedigree equal to that 
of the proudest hero of antiquity. His name, 
Van Zandt, that is to say, /ro/?* the sand, or, in 
common parlance, from the dirt, gave reason to 
suppose that, like Triptolemus, Themes, the Cy- 
clops, and the Titans, he had sprung from Dame 
Terra, or the earth ! This supposition is strongly 
corroborated by his size, for it is well known that 
all the progeny of mother earth were of a gigan- 
tic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a 
tall, raw-boned man, above six feet high, with 
an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin 
of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improb- 
able or repugnant to belief than wliat is related 
and universally admitted of certain of our great- 
est, or rather richest men ; who, we are told with 
the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a 
dunghill ! 

Of the second of the trio but faint accounts 
have reached to this time, which mention that lie 
was a sturdy, obstinate, Avorrying, bustling little 
man ; and, from being usually equipped in an old 
pair of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden 
Broeck : that is to say. Hard in the Breech, or, 
as it was generally rendered, Tough Breeches. 

Ten Broeck coiiiplelcd this junto of adventur- 



126 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, — which, 
were I not scrupulous in recording the whole 
truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over m 
silence as incompatible with the gravity and dig- 
nity of history, — that this Avorthy gentleman 
should likewise have been nicknamed from what 
in modern times is considered the most ignoljlc 
part of the dress. But in truth the small-clothes 
seems to have been a very dignified garment in 
the eyes of our venerated ancestors, in all prob- 
ability from its covering that part of the body 
which has been pronounced " the seat of honor." 
The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was some- 
times spelled. Tin Broeck, has been indifferently 
translated mto Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches. 
Certain ele":ant and in2;enious wi'iters on the sub- 
ject declare ui favor of Tin^ or rather Thin 
Breeches ; whence they infer that the original 
-bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue, whose 
galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who, 
peradventure, may have been the author of that 
truly philosophical stanza : — 

" Then why should we quarrel for riches, 
Or any such glittering toys ; 
A light heart and ihinpaii- of breeches, 

Will go through the world, my brave boys !" 

The more accurate commentators, however, de- 
clare in favor of the other reading, and afhrm that 
the worthy in question was a burly, bulbous man, 
who, in sheer ostentation of his venerable pro- 
genitors, was the first to introduce into the settle- 
ment the ancient Dutch fashion of ten pair of 
breeches. 



niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 127 

Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen hy 
OlofFe the Dreamer to accompany him in this 
voyage mto unknown realms ; as to the names 
of his crews, they have not been handed doww 
by history. 

Having, as I before observed, passed much of 
his life in the open air, among the peripatetic 
philosophers of Amsterdam, OlofFe had become 
familiar with the aspect of the heavens, and 
could as accurately determine when a storm was 
brewing or a squall rising, as a dutiful husband 
can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, when a 
tempest is gathering about his ears. Having 
pitched upon a time for his voyage when the 
skies appeared propitious, he exhorted all his 
crews to take a good night's rest, wind up their 
family affairs, and make their wills ; precautions 
taken by our forefathers even in after-times when 
they became more adventurous, and voyaged to 
Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or 
any other far country, beyond the great wat-tv 
of the Tappaan Zee. 



128 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 



CHAPTER IV. 

HOW THE UEROES OP COMMUNIPAW VOYAGED TO HELL-OATE, AND OOW 

THEY WERE RECEIVEB THERE. 

^^^^^ND now the rosy blush of mom began 
^Sv^ to mantle in the east, and soon the ris- 
^^^^M ing sun, emerging from amidst golden 
and purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on 
the tin weathercocks of Communipaw. It was 
that delicious season of the year, when nature, 
breaking from the chilling thraldom of old win- 
ter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of 
a sordid old father, threw herself, blushing with 
ten thousand charms, into the arms of youtliful 
spring. Every tufted copse and blooming grove 
resounded with the notes of hymeneal love. The 
very insects, as they sipped the dew that gemmed 
the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the 
joyous epitlialamium, — the virgin bud timidly 
put forth its blushes, " the voice of the turtle was 
heard in the land," and the heart of man dis- 
solved awny in tenderness. Oh ! sweet Theoc- 
ritus ! had I tliine oaten reed, wlierewith thou erst 
did charm the gay Siciliiin plains ; — or, oh ! gen- 
tle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy 
swains of the Lesbian isle so much delighted, 
tlien might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or 
negligent Idyllium, tlie rural beauties of the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 129 

aceiie ; — but having nothing, save this jaded 
goosequill, wherewith to Aving ray flight, I must 
fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, 
and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; com- 
forting myself with the hope, that, though it may 
not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my 
reader, yet it may commend itself with virgin 
modesty to his better judgment, clothed in the 
chaste and simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoe- 
bus dart into the windows of Coramunipaw, than 
the little settlement was all in motion. Forth 
issued from his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, 
and seizino; a conch shell, blew a far resounding; 
blast, that soon summoned all his lusty followers. 
Then did they trudge resolutely down to the 
water-side, escorted by a multitude of relatives 
and friends, who all went down, as the common 
phrase expresses it, " to see them off." And this 
shows the antiquity of those long family proces- 
sions, often seen in our city, composed of all ages, 
sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band- 
boxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, 
about to depart for home in a market-boat. 

The good OlofFe bestowed his forces in a 
squadron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag 
on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped 
not unlike a tub, which had formerly been the 
jolly-boat of the Goede Vi'ouw. And now, all 
being embarked, they bade farewell to the gaz- 
ing throng upon the beach, who continued shout- 
ing after them, even when out of hearing, wish- 
ing them a happy voyage, advising them to take 
9 



130 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

good care of themselves not to get drowiied, — - 
with an abundance other of those sage and inval- 
uable cautions, generally given by landsmen to 
such as go down to the sea in ships, and adviju- 
ture upon the deep waters. In the meanwhile 
the voyagers cheerily urged their course across 
the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left be- 
hind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia. 

And first they touched at two small islands 
which lay nearly opposite Communipaw, and 
which are said to have been brought into exist- 
ence about the time of the great irruption of the 
Hudson, when it broke throu2;h the Hi2;hlands 
and inade its way to the ocean.^ For in this 
tremendous uproar of the waters, we are told 
that many huge fragments of rock and land 
were rent from the mountains and swept down 
by this runaway river, for sixty or seventy miles ; 
where some of them ran aground on the shoals 
just opposite Communipaw, and formed the iden- 
tical islands in question, while others di'ifted out 
to sea, and were never heard of more ! A suffi- 
cient proof of the fact is, that the rock which 
forms the bases of these islands is exactly sim- 

1 It is a matter long since established by certain of our 
philosopliers, — tliat is to say, having been oiten advanced, and 
never contradicted, it has grown to be pretty nigh eqnal to a 
settled fact, — that the Hudson was originally a lake dammed 
up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process of timo, 
however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the 
mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by 
reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, 
and after a violent struggle etfected its escape. This is said 
to have come to pass in very ivmote time, probably before 
(hat rivers had lost the art of running uphill. 'I'he foreg:»ing 
is a theory in which I do not |)reteud to be skilled, notwitJ- 
RtaniliiiLL' that I do fullv li'ive it mv belief. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 131 

ilar to that of the Highlands, and, moreover, one 
3f our philosophers, who has diligently compared 
the agi'eement of their respective surfaces, has 
even gone so far as to assure me, in confidence, 
(hat Gibbet Island was originally nothing moro 
nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose.^ 

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next 
coasted by Governor's Island, since terrible from 
its frowning fortress and grinning btitteries. 
They would by no means, however, land upon 
this island, since they doubted much it might be 
the abode of demons and spirits, which in those 
days did greatly abound throughout this savage 
and pagan country. 

Just at tliis time a shoal of jolly porpoises 
came rolling and tumbling by, turning up their 
sleek sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny 
element in sparklhig showers. No sooner did 
the sage OlofFe mark this than he was gi'eatly re- 
joiced. " This," exclaimed he, " if I mistake 
not, augurs well : the porpoise is a fat, well- 
conditioned fish, — a burgomaster among fishes, — • 
I lis looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity ; I 
greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not 
but this is a happy omen of the success of our 
undertiiking." So saying, he directed his squad- 
ron to steer in the track of these alderman fishes. 

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they 
iwept up the strait vidgarly called the East 
ili\er. And here the rapid tide which coursea 
through this strait, seizing on tlie gallant tub in 
tvhiclt Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked 

1 A promontory in the llighlanih. 



132 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

hurried it forward with a velocity unparalleled lis 
a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch 
that the good commodore, who had all his life- 
long been accustomed only to the drowsy naviga- 
tion of canals, was more than ever convuiced that 
they were in the hands of some supernatural 
power, and that the jolly porpoises were toAving 
them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all 
their wishes and expectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, 
they doubled that boisterous point of land since 
called Corlear's Hook,^ and leaving to the right 
tlie ricli winding cove of the Wallabout, they 
drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, sm'- 
rounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure was 
exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the 
voyagers were looking around them, on what 
they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, 
they Ijeheld at a distance a crew of painted sav- 
ages, busily employed in fishing, who seemed 
more like the genii of this romantic region, — 
their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather 
on the undulating surface of the bay. 

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of 
Communipaw were not a little troubled. But as 
good-fbrtuiie would have it, at the bow of the 
conunodore's boat was stationed a very valiant 
man, named Hendrick Kip (which, being inter- 
preted, means chicken, a name given him in 
token of his courage). No sooner did he behold 
these varlet hcatlu-ns than he trembled with ex- 
cessive valoi', and altliough a good half-mile dis* 
' I'mptTly spi.lt honk (i. e. ii point of land). 



HISTORY OF NEW 1 OEK. 133 

taiit, he seized a musketoon that lay at hand, and 
turnujg away his head, fired it most intrepidly 
in the face of the blessed sun. The blundering 
weapon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an 
ignominious kick, which laid him prostrate with 
uplifted heels in the bottom of the boat. But 
such was the effect of this tremendous fire, that 
the wild men of the woods, struck with conster- 
nation, seized hastily upon theii* paddles, and shot 
away into one of the deep inlets of the Long 
Island shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the 
voyagers ; and in honor of the achievement they 
gave the name of the valiant Kip to the sur- 
rounding bay, and it has continued to be called 
Kip's Bay from that time to the present. The 
heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who, having 
no land of his own, was a great admirer of other 
people's — expanded to the full size of a pepper- 
corn at the sumptuous prospect of rich unsettled 
country around him, and falluig into a delicious 
revery, he straightway began to riot in the pos- 
session of vast meadows of salt marsh and inter- 
minable patches of cabbages. From this delec- 
table vision he was all at once awakened by the 
sudden turning of the tide, which would soon 
have hurried him from this land of promise, had 
not the discreet navigator given signal to steer 
for shore ; where they accordingly landed hard 
by the rocky heights of Bellevue, — that happy 
retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat for the 
good of the city, and fatten the turtle that are 
sacriiiced on civic solemnities. 



134 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Here, seated on the gi'eensward, by the side of 
a small stream that ran sparkling among the 
grass, they refreshed themselves after the toils of 
the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores 
which they had provided for this perilous voy 
age. Thus having well fortified their delibera- 
tive powers, they fell into an earnest consultation, 
what was farther to be done. This was the first 
council-dinner ever eaten at Bellevue by Chris- 
tian burghers ; and here, as tradition relates, did 
originate the great family feud between the Har- 
denbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which after- 
wards had a singular influence on the building 
of the city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose 
eyes had been wondrously delighted with the 
salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms 
along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, coun- 
selled by all means to return thither, and found 
the intended city. This was strenuously opposed 
by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many testy 
arguments passed between them. The particu- 
lars of this controversy have not reached us, 
which is ever to be lamented ; this much is cer- 
tain, that the sage OlofFe put an end to the 
dispute by determining to explore still farther 
in the route which the mysterious porpoises had 
&D clearly pointed out ; — whereupon the sturdy 
Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took 
possession of a neighboring hill, and in a fit of 
great wrath peopled all that tract of country, 
which has continued to be inhabited by the Har- 
denbroecks unto this very day. 

By tliis time the jolly Phoebus, like some wan- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 135 

ton urcliiu sporting on the side of a green hill 
began to roll down the declivity of the heavens ; 
and now, the tide having once more turned in 
their favor, the Pavonians again committed them 
selves to its discretion, and coastino- alono; the 
western shores, were borne towards the straits 
of Blackwell's Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the 
current occasioned not a little marvel and per- 
plexity to these illustrious mariners. Now 
would they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, 
sweeping round a jutting point, Avould w^ind deep 
into some romantic little cove, that indented the 
fair island of Manna hatta ; now were they hur- 
ried narrowly by the very bases of impending 
rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape-vine, and 
crowned Avith groves which threw a broad 
shade on the waves beneath ; and anon they 
were borne away into the mid-channel and 
wafted along with a rapidity that very much 
discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as 
he saw the land swiftly receding on either side, 
began exceedingly to doubt that terra Jirma was 
giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a 
new creation seemed to bloom around. No signs 
of human thrift appeared to check the delicious 
wildness of nature, who here revelled in all her 
luxuriant variety. Those hills, now bristled, like 
the fretful porcupine, Avith rows of poplars, (vain 
upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fasliion !) 
were then adorned Avith the vio-orous natives of 
'he soil : the lordly oak, the generous chestnut., 



136 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the graceful elm, — Avhile here and there the 
tuh'p-tree reared its majestic head, the giant of 
the forest. Where now are seen the gay re- 
treats of luxury, — villas half buried in twilight 
bowers, whence the amorous flute oft ])reatljes 
the sighings of some city swain, — there the hsli- 
liawk built his solitary nest on some dry tree 
that overlooked his watery domain. The timid 
deer fed undisturbed along those sliores now 
hallowed by the lovers' raooidight w^alk, and 
printed by the slender foot of beauty; and a 
savage solitude extended over those happy re- 
gions, where now are reared the stately towers 
of the Joneses, the Schermerhornes, and the 
Rhinelanders. 

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these 
new and miknown scenes, the gallant squadron 
of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory, 
which strutted forth boldly into the waves, and 
seemed to frown upon them as they brawled 
against its base. This is the bluff well known 
to modern mariners by the name of Gracie's 
Point, from the fair castle which, like an elepliant, 
it carries upon its back. And here broke upon 
their view a wild and varied prospect, where land 
and water were beauteously intermingled, as 
though they had combined to heighten and set 
off each other's charms. To the right lay the 
sedgy point of Blackwell's Island, drest in the 
fresh garniture of living green, — beyond it 
stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick, and 
the small harbor well known by the name of 
Halle t's Cove, — a place infamous in latter days, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 137 

by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who 
infest these seas, robbing orchards and water « 
melon patches, and insulting gentlemen naviga- 
tors, when voyaging in their pleasure-boats. To 
the left a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully 
receded between shores fringed with forests, and 
forming a kind of vista, through which were be- 
held the silvan regions of Haerlem, Morrisania, 
and East Chester. Here the eye reposed with 
delight on a richly wooded country, diversified 
by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and wavmg 
lines of upland, swelling above each other, while 
over the whole the pm-ple mists of spring dif- 
fused a hue of soft voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the 
stream, making a sudden bend, wound among 
embowered promontories and shores of emerald 
verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A 
character of gentleness and mild fertiUty pre- 
vailed around. The sun had just descended, and 
the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil 
drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, height- 
ened the charms which it half concealed. 

Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion. Ah ! 
hapless voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on 
these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, 
poor easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a 
wicked world, — treacherous are its smiles ! fatal 
its caresses. He who yields to its enticements 
lamiches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his 
feeble bark among the dimpling eddies of a 
whirlpool ! And thus it fared Avith the worthies 
of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful 



138 BISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

scene before them, drifted quietly on, until they 
were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agita- 
tion of their vessels. For now the late dimpling 
current began to brawl around them, and the 
waves to boil and foam Avith horrific fury. 
Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished 
Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, but his words 
were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And 
now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At 
one time they were borne with dreadful velocity 
among tumultuous breakers ; at another, hurried 
doT^ai boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly 
dashed upon the Hen and Chickens ; (infamous 
rocks ! — moi'e voracious than Scylla and her 
whelpg ;) and anon they seemed sinking into 
yaAvning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them 
beneatli the waves. All the elements combined 
to produce a hideous confusion. The waters 
raged, the winds howled ; and as they were 
hurried alon^ , several of the astonished mariners 
beheld the rocks and trees of the neighboring 
shores driving through the air ! 

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van 
Kortlandt wan draAvn into the vortex of that tre- 
mendous whii'lpool called the Pot, where it was 
whirled about in giddy mazes, until the senses of 
the good commander and his crew were over- 
powered by the horror of the scene, and the 
Btrangeness of the revolution. 

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was 

snatched from tlie jaws of this modern Charyb- 

\is, has never been truly made knoAvn, for so 

oany survived to tell the tale, and, what is stiU 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 139 

more wonderful, told it in so many diiFerent ways, 
that tliere has ever prevailed a great variety of 
opinions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when the}- 
came to their senses, they found themselves 
stranded on the Long Island shore. The worth}- 
commodore, indeed, used to relate many and 
wonderful stories of his adventures in this time 
of peril : how that he saw spectres flying in the 
air, and heard the yelling of hobgobHns, and put 
his hand into the pot when they Avere whirled 
round, and fomid the water scalding hot, and be- 
held several uncouth-lookin"; beino-s seated on 
rocks and skinmiing it A^dth huge ladles ; but 
particularly he declared with great exultation, 
that he saw the losel porpoises, which had be- 
trayed them into tliis peril, some broiling on the 
Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan ! 

These, however, were considered by many as 
mere fantasies of the commodore, while he lay in 
a trance ; especially as he was known to be 
given to dreaming ; and the truth of them has 
never been clearly ascertained. It is certain, 
however, that to the accounts of OlofFe and his 
followers may be traced the various traditions 
handed down of this marvellous strait : as how 
the devil has been seen there, sitting astride of 
the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle, — 
how he broils fish there before a storm ; and 
many other stories in which we must be cau- 
tious of putting too much faith. Li consequence 
of all these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian 
eommander gave this^pass the name of Helle-^aU 



140 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

or, as it has been interpreted, Hell- Gate ; ^ which 
it continues to bear at the present day. 

1 This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six 
miles above New York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless 
under the care of skilful pilots, by rea>:on of numerous; rocks, 
shelves, and whirlpools. These Iiave received sundry appel- 
lations, such as the Gridiron, Frj-ing-pan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c., 
and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. 
Certain mealy-mouthed men, of squeamish consciences, who 
are loth to give the Devil his due, have softened the above 
characteristic name into Burl-gate, forsooth! Let those take 
care how tliey venture into the Gate, or they may be hurled 
into the Pot before they are aware of it. The name of this 
strait, as given by our author, is supported by the map in 
Vander Donck's historv, published in 1656, — by Ogilvie's 
History of America, 1671, — as also b}' a journal still extant, 
written in the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard's State 
Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of va- 
rious alterations in names about this city, observes, "DeZTeZte- 
gat, trou d'Eufer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer." 



BIST OR y OF NEW YORK. 141 




CHAPTER V. 

aCW THE HEROES OP COMMDNIPAW RETURNED SOMEWHAT WISER THAS 
THKT WENT — AND HOW THE SAGE OLOFFE DREAMED A DREAM — 
AND THE DREAM THAT HE DREAMED 

HPj darkness of night had closed upon 
tliis disastrous day, and a doleful night 
was it to the shipwrecked Pavonians, 
whose ears were incessantly assailed with the 
raeino; 'of the elements, and the hoAvlLno; of the 
hobgoblins that infested this perfidious strait. 
But when the moniing dawned, the horrors of 
the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, 
breakers, and whirlpools had disappeared ; the 
stream again ran smooth and dimpling, and 
having changed its tide, rolled gently back, to- 
wards the quarter where lay their much-regret- 
ted home. 

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed 
each other with rueful countenances ; their squad- 
ron had been totally dispersed by the late disas- 
ter. Some were cast upon the western shore, 
where, headed by one Puleff Hopper, they took 
possession of all the country lying about the six- 
mile stone ; which is held by tlie Hoppers at 
this present writing. 

The Waldrons were dinven by stress of 
n^eather to a distant coast, where, havuig with 



112 HISTORY OF NEW rOJiK. 

them a jug of genuine Hollands, they were 
enabled to conciliate the savages, setting up a 
kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did spring the 
fair town of Haerlem, in wdiich their descendants 
have ever since continued to be reputable publi- 
cans. As to the Suydams, they were thrc^vn 
upon the Long Island coast, and may still be 
foimd in those parts. But the most singular 
luck attended the great Ten Broeck, who, falling 
overboard, Avas miraculously preserved from smk- 
mg by the multitude of his nether garments. 
Thus buoyed up, he floated on the Avaves like 
a merman, or like an angler's dobber, until he 
landed safely on a rock, where lie Avas found the 
next morning, busily drying his many breeches in 
the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of 
OlofFe with his remaining follower*, in Avhich 
they determined that it Avould never Cc tc ^.■?jid 
a city in so diabolical a neighborhood, buifice 
it in simple brevity to say, that they once more 
committed themselves, with fear and trembling, 
to the briny elements, and steered their course 
back again through the scenes of their yester- 
day's voyage, determined no longer to roam in 
search of distant sites, but to settle themselves 
down in the marshy regions of Pavonia. 

Scarce, howevei", had they gained a distant 
view of Communipaw, when they Avere encoun- 
tered by an obstinate eddy, which opposed their 
homeward voyage. Weary and dispirited as they 
Wore, they yet tugged a feeble oor aganist tlie 
stream ; until, as if to settle the strife. I«alf 'i 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 143 

score of potent billows rolled the tub of Com- 
modore Van Kortlandt high and dry on the long 
point of an island which divided the bosom of 
the bay. 

Some pretend that these billows were sent l»y 
old Neptune to strand the expedition on a spot 
whereon was to be founded his stronghold in 
this western world ; others, more pious, attribute 
everything to the guardianship of the good St. 
Nicholas ; and after-events will be found to cor- 
roborate this opinion. OlofFe Van Kortlandt was 
a devout trencherman. Every repast was a kind 
of religious rite with him ; and his first thought 
on finduig him once more on dry ground, was, 
how he should contrive to celebrate his wonderful 
escape from Hell-gate and all its horrors by a 
solenni banquet. The stores wliich had been 
provided for the voyage by the good housewives 
of Communipaw were nearly exhausted, but, in 
casting his eyes about, the commodore beheld 
that the shore abounded mth oysters. A great 
store of these was instantly collected ; a fire was 
made at the foot of a tree ; all hands fell to 
roasting and broiling and stewing and fiying, 
and a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This 
is thouo;ht to be the orio-in of those civic feasts 
with which, to the present day, all our public 
affau-s are celebrated, and in which the oyster ia 
ever sure to play an important part. 

On the present occasion, the worthy Van 
Kortlandt was observed to be particularly zeal- 
ous in his devotions to tlie trencher ; for having 
the cares of the exped-'iion especially committed 



144 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

to his care, lie deemed it incumbent on him to 
eat profoundly for the public good. In propor- 
tion as he filled himself to the very brim with 
the dainty viands before him, did the heai t of 
tliis excellent burgher rise up towards his throat, 
uutil he seemed crammed and almost cboked 
with good eating and good-nature. And at such 
times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat, 
that he may more truly be said to speak from it, 
and his speeches abound with kindness and good 
fellowship. Thus having swallowed the last pos- 
sible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent 
potation, Oloffe felt his heart yearning, and his 
whole frame in a manner dilating with unbounded 
benevolence. Everything around him seemed 
excellent and delightful ; and laying his hands 
on each side of his capacious periphery, and roll- 
ing his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful 
diversity of land and water before him, he ex- 
claimed, in a fat half-smothered voice, "What a 
charming prospect ! " The words died away in his 
throat, — he seemed to ponder on the fair scene 
for a moment, — his eyelids heavily closed over 
their orbs, — his head drooped upon his bosom, — 
he slowly sank upon the green turf, and a deep 
sleep stole gradually over him. 

And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream, — and 
U), the good St. Nicholas came riding over the 
tops of the trees, in that self-same wagon wherein 
he brings his yearly presents to cliildren, and he 
descended liard by where the heroes of Commu- 
nipaw had made their late repast. And he lit 
his pipe by the (ire, and sat himself down and 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 145 

smoked ; and as he smoked, the smoke from his 
pipe ascended mto the air and spread like a cloud 
overhead. And OlofFe bethought him, and he 
liastened and climbed up to the top of one of 
tlie tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread 
over a great extent of country ; and as he con- 
sidered it more attentively, he fancied that the 
great volume of smoke assumed a variety of 
marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw 
shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty spires, 
all of which lasted but a moment, and then faded 
away, until the whole rolled off, and nothing but 
the green woods were left. And when St. Nich- 
olas had smoked his pipe, he twisted it m his hat- 
band, and laying his finger beside his nose, gave 
the astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant 
look ; then, mounting his wagon, he returned over 
the tree-tops and disappeared. 

And Van Kortlandt awoke fi'om his sleep 
greatly uistructed ; and he aroused his companions 
and related to them his dream, and interpreted 
it, that it was the will of St. Nicholas that they 
should settle down and build the city here ; and 
that the smoke of the pipe was a type how vast 
would be the extent of the city, inasmuch as 
the volumes of its smoke would spread over a 
wide extent of country. And they all "with one 
voice assented to this interpretation, excepting 
Mynheer Ten Broeck, who declared the meaning 
to be that it would be a city wherein a little fire 
would occasion a great smoke, or, in other words, 
a very vaporing little city ; — both which inter- 
pretations have strangely come to pass ! 
10 



146 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

The great object of their perilous expedition, 
therefore, being thus happily accomplished, the 
voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, — 
where they were received with great rejoicings. 
And here, calling a general meeting of all the 
wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, the} 
related the whole history of their voyage, and of 
the dream of OlofFe Van Koi-tlandt. And the 
people lifted up tlieir voices and blessed the good 
St. Nicholas ; and from that time forth the sage 
Van Kortlandt was held in more honor than 
ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and was 
pronounced a most useful citizen and a right giK)d 
man — when he was asleep. 



EISTOMY OF N£W YORK. MP 




CHAPTER VI. 

OOJITAININQ AN ATTEiWPT AT ETTMOLOGT — AND OF THE FOUNDINO Of 
THE GREAT CITY OP NEW AMSTERDAM. 

'HE original name of the island, where 
on the squadron of Conimunipaw was 
thus propitiously thrown, is a matter of 
some dispute, and has already undergone consid- 
erable vitiation, — a melancholy proof of the in- 
stabiUty of all sublunary things, and the vanity 
of all our hopes of lasting fame ; for who can 
expect his name will live to posterity, when even 
the names of mighty islands are thus soon lost 
in contradiction and uncertainty ! 

The name most current at the present day, 
and which is likewise countenanced by the great 
historian Vander Donck, is INIanhattan ; which 
is said to have originated in a custor^ among 
the squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing 
men's hats, as is still done among many tribes. 
" Hence," as we are told by an old governor who 
was somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a 
century smce, and had paid a visit to the wits of 
Pliiladelphia, — " hence arose the appellation of 
man-hat-on, first given to the Indians, and after- 
vrards to the island," — a stupid joke ! but welJ 
enough for a governor. 



14S HISTORY OF NEW YOJiK. 

Among the more venerable sources of infor- 
mation on this subject is that valuable history 
of the American possessions, written by Master 
Richard Blome, in 1687, wherein it is called 
Manhadaes and Manahanent ; nor must I forget 
the excellent little book, full of precious matter 
of that authentic historian John Josselyn, Gent._ 
who expressly calls it Manadaes. 

Another etymology, still more ancient, and 
sanctioned by the countenance of our ever-to-be- 
lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found m certain 
letters still extant,^ which passed between the 
early governors • and their neighboring powers, 
wherem it is called indifferently Monhattoes, 
Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently 
unimportant variations of the same name ; for 
our wise forefathers set little store by those nice- 
ties either in orthography or orthoepy, which 
form the sole study and ambition of many 
learned men and women of this hypercritical age. 
This last name is said to be derived from the 
great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed 
to make this island his favorite abode, on account 
of its uncommon delights. For the Indian tra- 
ditions affirm that the bay was once a translucid 
lake, filled with silver and golden fish, in the 
midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered 
with every variety of fruits and flowers ; but 
that the sudden irruption of the Hudson laid 
waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho took his 
flight beyond the great watei*s of Ontario. 

These, however, are very fiibulous legends, to 
1 Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap. 



HIST GUY OF NEW YORK. 149 

which very cautious credence must be given; 
and though I am willing to admit the last-quoted 
orthography of the name as very fit for prose, 
yet is^ there another which I peculiarly delight 
in, as at once poetical, melodious, and significant, 
and which we have on the authority of mastei 
Juet ; who, in his account of the voyage of tho 
great Hudson, calls this Manna-hata, that is 
to say, the island of manna, or, in other words, 
a land flowing with milk and honey. 

Still, my deference to the learned obliges me 
to notice the opinion of the worthy Dominie 
Heckwelder, whicli ascribes the name to a great 
drunken bout held on the island by the Dutch 
discoverers, wliereat they ma<le certain of the 
natives most ecstatically drunk for the first time 
in their lives ; who, being delighted with their 
jovial entertainment, gave the place the name of 
Mamiahattanink, that is to say, Tlie Isla/.d of 
Jolly Topers : a name which it continues t.; merit 
to the present day.^ 

1 MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, in the arc vo/ 'i 'jw 
N"ew York Historical Society. 



150 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER Vn. 

HOW THE PEOPLE OF PAVONIA MIGRATED FROM COJIMUNIPAW TO TQl 
ISLAND OP MANNA-HATA — AXD HOW OLOFFE THE DREAMER PROVED 
HIMSELF A GREAT LAND-SPECULATOR. 

iT having been solemnly resolved that the 
seat of empire should be removed from 
the green shores of Pavonia to the 
pleasant island of Manna-hata, everybody was 
anxious to embark under the standard of Oloffe 
the Dreamer, and to be among the first sharers 
of the promised land. A day was appointed for 
the grand migration, and on that day little Com- 
raunipaw was in a buzz and a bustle like a hive 
m swarming-time. Houses were turned inside 
out and stripped of the venerable furniture which 
had come from Holland ; all the community, 
great and small, black and white, man, woman, 
and child, was in commotion, forming lines from 
the houses to the water-side, like lines of ants 
from an ant-hill ; everybody laden with some ar- 
ticle of household furniture ; while busy house- 
wives plied backwards and forwaixls along the 
lines, helping everything forward by the nimble- 
uess of their tongues. 

By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were 
piled up witli all kinds of household articles : 
ponderous tables ; chests of drawers resplendent 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 151 

with brass ornaments ; quaint corner-cupboards ; 
beds and bedsteads ; with any quantity of pots, 
kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. In each 
boat embarked a whole family, from the robus 
tious burgher down to the cats and dogs and 
little negroes. In this way they set off across 
the mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of 
Oloffe the Dreamer, who hoisted his standard 
on the leading boat. 

This memorable migration took place on the 
first of May, and was long cited in tradition 
as the grand moving. The aiuiiversary of it 
was piously observed among the " sons of the 
pilgrims of Commmiipaw," by turning their 
houses topsy-turvy and cai'rying all the furniture 
through the streets, in emblem of the swarming 
of the parent-liive ; and this is the real origin of 
the universal agitation and " moving " by which 
this most restless of cities is literally tmiied out 
of doors on every May-day, 

As the little squadron from Communipaw 
drew near to the shores of Manna-hata, a 
sachem, at the head of a band of warriors, ap- 
peared to oppose their landing. Some of the 
most zealous of the pilgrims were for chastising 
this insolence with powder and ball, according to 
the approved mode of discoverers ; but the sage 
Oloffe gave them the significant sign of St. 
Nicholas, laying his finger beside his nose and 
winldng hard with one eye ; whereupon his fol- 
lowers perceived that there was something saga- 
cious in the wind. He now addressed the In- 
dians in the blandest terms ; and made such 



152 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

tempting display of beads, hawks'-bells, and red 
blankets, that he was soon permitted to land 
and a great land-speculation ensued. And here 
let me give the true story of the original pur- 
chase of the site of this renowned city, aboul 
which so much has been said and wi-itten 
Some affirm that the first cost was but sixty 
guilders. The learned Dominie Heck welder 
nicords a tradition ^ that the Dutch discoverers 
bargained for only so much land as the hide of 
a bullock would cover ; but that they cut the 
hide in strips no thicker than a cliild's finger, so 
as to take in a large portion of land, and to take 
in the Indians into the bargain. This, however, 
is an old fable which the worthy Dominie may 
have borrowed from antiquity. The true ver- 
sion is, that Oloffe Van Kortlandt bargained for 
just so much land as a man could cover with his 
nether garments. The terms being concluded, 
he produced his friend Mynheer Ten Broeck as 
the man whose breeches were to be used in 
measurement. The simple savages, whose ideas 
of a man's nether garments liad never expanded 
beyond the dimensions of a breech-clout, stared 
witli astonishment and dismay as they beheld this 
bulbous-bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, 
and breeches after breeches spread forth over the 
land until they covered the actual site of this 
venerable city. 

This is the true history of the adroit bargain 
by which the island of Manhattan Avas bought 

1 MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder; New York Ilistori 
cal Society. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 153 

for sixty guilders ; aiid in corroboration of it I 
will add, that Mynheer Ten Breeches, for his 
services on this memorable occasion, was elevated 
to the office of land-measurer ; which he ever 
Rfterwai'ds exercised in the colony. 



154 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER Vm. 

IF TUE POnNDING AND NAMING OF THE NEW CITY ; OF THE CITY ARMS , 
AND OF THE DIREFUL FEUD BETWEEN TEN BREECHES AND TOUQH 
BREECHES. 

'HE land being thus fairly purchased of 
the Indians, a circumstance very un- 
usual in the history of colonization, and 
strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch 
progenitors, a stockade fort and trading - house 
were forthwith erected on an eminence in front 
of the place where the good St. Nicholas had ap- 
peared m a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer, and 
which, as has already been observed, was the 
identical place at present known as the Bowling 
Green. 

Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch- 
built houses, with tiled roofs and weathercocks, 
soon sprang up, nestling themselves under its 
walls for protection, as a brood of half-fl edged 
chickens nestle under the winces of the mother 
hen. The whole was surroimded by an enclosure 
of strong palisadoes, to guard agahist any sudden 
irruption of the savages. Outside of these ex- 
tended the cornfields and cablxige - gardens of 
the community, witli here and there an attempt 
at a tobacco-plantation ; all covering tliose tracts 
of country at present called Broadway, Wall 
Street, William Street, and Pearl Street. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 155 

I must not omit to mention, that, in portion* 
ing out the land, a goodly " bowerie," or farm, 
was allotted to the sage OlofFe in consideration 
of the service he had rendered to the public by 
his talent at dreaming ; and the site of his ^ bow- 
erie " is known by the name of Kortlandt ^^oi 
GDrllandt) Street to the present day. 

And now the infant settlement having ad- 
vanced in age and stature, it was thought high 
time it should receive an lionest Christian name. 
Hitherto it had gone by the original Indian name 
Manna-hata, or, as some will have it, " The Man- 
hattoes " ; but this was noAv decried as savage 
and heathenish, and as tending to keep up the 
memory of the pagan brood that originally pos- 
sessed it. Many were the consultations held 
upon the subject, without coming to a conclu- 
sion, for though everybody condemned the old 
name, nobody could invent a new one. At 
'length, when the council was almost in despair, 
a burgher, remarkable for the size and squareness 
of his head, proposed that they should call it 
New Amsterdam. The proposition took every- 
body by surprise ; it was so striking, so apposite, 
so ingenious. The name was adopted by accla- 
mation, and New Amsterdam the metropolis Avas 
thenceforth called. Still, however, the earl}? 
authors of the province continued to call it by 
the general appellation of " The Manhattoes," 
and the poets fondly clung to the euplionious 
name of Manna-hata ; but those are a kind of 
folk whose tastes and notions should go for noth 
ing in mat tei's of tliis kind. 



156 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Having thus provided the embryo city with a 
name, the next was to give it an armorial bear- 
ing or device, as some cities have a rampant 
lion, others a soaring eagle, — emblematical, no 
doubt, of the valiant and high-flying qualities of 
the inhabitants ; so, after mature deliberation, a 
sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city stand- 
ard, as indicative of the amphibious origin, and 
patient, persevering habits of the New Amster- 
dammers. 

The thriving state of the settlement and the 
rapid increase of houses soon made it necessary 
to arrange some plan upon wliich the city shoidd 
be built ; but at the very first consultation held 
on the subject, a violent discussion arose ; and I 
mention it with much sorrowino; as beino; the 
first altercation on record in the councils of New 
Amsterdam. It was, in fact, a breaking forth of 
the Grrudo-e and heart-burninjz; that had existed 
between those two eminent burghers, Mynheers 
Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, ever since their 
unhappy dispute on the coast of Bellevue. Tlie 
great Hardenbroeck had Avaxed very wealtliy and 
powerful, from his domains, which embraced tlie 
whole chain of Apulean mountains that stretched 
along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of 
whicli his descendants have been expelled in lat- 
ter ages by the powerful clans of the Joneses and 
the Schermerhornes. 

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by 
Mynheer Hardenbroeck, who proposed that it 
should be cut up and intersected by canals, aflei 
the manner of the most admired cities m Holland 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 157 

To this Mynheer Tenbroeck was diametrically 
opposed, suggestmg, in place thereof, that they 
should run out docks and wharves, by means of 
piles driven into the bottom of the river, on 
which the to^vn should be built. " By these 
means," said he, triumphantly, " shall we rescue 
a considerable space of territory from these im- 
mense rivers, and build a city that shall rival 
Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in 
Europe." To this proposition, Hardenbroeck (or 
Tough Breeches) replied, with a look of as much 
scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast the 
utmost censure upon the plan of liis antagonist, 
as being preposterous and against the very order 
of things, as he would leave to every true Hol- 
lander. " For what," said he, " is a town with- 
out canals ? — it is like a body without veins and 
arteries, and must perish for want of a free cu*- 
culation of the vital fluid." Ten Breeches, on 
the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his 
antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry- 
boned habit : he remarked, that as to the cu'cu- 
lation of the blood bemg necessary to existence, 
Mynheer Tough Breeches was a living contradic- 
tion to liis own assertion ; for everybody knew 
there had not a drop of blood circulated through 
his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, and yet 
there was not a greater busybody in the whole 
colony. Personalities have seldom much effect in 
making converts in argument; nor have I ever 
seen a man convinced of error by being convicted 
of deformity. At least, such was not the case 
at present. If Ten Breeches was very happy in 



158 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Barcasm, Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little 
man, and never gave up the last word, rejomed 
with increasing spirit; Ten Breeches had the 
advantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough 
Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in 
argument, called obstmacy ; Ten Breeches had, 
Iherefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeches 
the best bottom ; so that, though Ten Breeches 
made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and 
battered and belabored him with hard words 
and somid arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung 
on most resolutely to the last. They parted, 
therefore, as is usual in all arguments where both 
parties are in the right, without coming to any 
conclusion ; — but they hated each other most 
heartily forever after, and a similar breach with 
that between the houses of Capulet and Mon- 
tague did ensue between the families of Ten 
Breeches and Tough Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull 
matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful 
historian requires that I should be particular; 
and in truth, as I am now treating of the critical 
period when our city, like a young twig, first 
received the twists and turns which have since 
contributed to give it its present picturesque 
in-egularity, I cannot be too minute in detaiUng 
their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have jusl 
mentioned, I do not find that anything farthei 
was said on the subject worthy of being recorded 
The •^.ouncil, consisting of the largest and oldest 
heads in the community, met regularly once p 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 159 

week, to ponder on this momentous subject ; but, 
either they were deterred by the war of words 
they had witnessed, or they were natm-ally 
averse to the exercise of the tongue, and tho 
consequent exercise of the brains, — certain it is, 
the most profound silence was maintained, — the 
question as usual lay on the table, — tlie mem- 
bers quietly smoked their pipes, makuig but few 
laws, without ever enforcing any, — and in the 
mean time the affairs of the settlement went on 
— as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled 
in the mystery of combinmg pot-hooks and hang- 
ers, they determined most judiciously not to puz- 
zle either themselves or posterity with voluminous 
records. The secretary, however, kept the mui- 
utes of the council, with tolerable precision, m a 
large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass 
clasps ; the journal of each meeting consisted but 
of two lines, stating in Dutch, that " the council 
sat tills day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the 
affair? of the colony." By which it appears that 
the lirst settlers did not regulate their time by 
hou^s, but pipes, in the same mamier as they 
measure distances m Holland at this very time : 
an admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the 
mouth of a true-born Dutchman is never liable 
to those accidents and irregularities that are 
continually putting our clocks out of order. 

In this manner did the profound council of 
New Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, 
from week to week, month to month, and year to 
year, in what manner they should construct their 



160 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

iufaiit settlement ; — meanwliile, the town took 
cai'e of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is 
suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts 
and bandages, and other abominations by which 
your notable nurses and sage old women cripple 
and disfigure the children of men, mcreased so 
rapidly in strength and magnitude, that belbre 
the honest burgomasters had determined upon 
a plan, it was too late to put it in execution, — 
whereupon they wisely abaudoned the subject 
altogether. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. .61 




CHAPTER IX. 

n'yW TOE CITT OP NEW AMSTERDAM WAXED GREAT UNDER THE PBO 
TEOTION OF ST. NICHOLAS AND THE ABSENCE OP LAWS AND STAT- 
UTES — HOW OLOFFE THE DREAMER BEGAN TO DREAM OF AN EXTEN- 
SION OF EMPIRE, AND OF THE EFFECT OP HIS DREAMS. 

^HERE is something exceedingly delusive 
in thus looldng back through the long vista 
of departed years, and catching a glimpse 
of the fairy realms of antiquity. Like a land- 
scape melting into distance, they receive a thou- 
sand charms from their very obscurity, and the 
fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces 
and excellences of its own creation. Thus loom 
on my imagination those happier days of our 
city, when as yet New Amsterdam was a mere 
pastoral toAvn, slirouded in groves of sycamores 
and willows, and surrounded by trackless forests 
and wide-spreading waters, that seemed to shut 
out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. 
In those days did this embryo city present the 
rare and noble spectacle of a community gov- 
erned without laws ; and thus being left to its 
own course, and the fostering care of Providence, 
increased as rapidly as though it had been bur- 
dened mth a dozen panniers full of those sage laws 
usually heaped on the backs of young cities — 
in order to make them grow. And in this par- 
ticular I greatly admire the wdsdom and sound 
11 



'62 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

knowledge of human nature, displayed bj the 
Bage Oloffe the Dreamer and his fellow-legis- 
lators. For my part, I have not so bad an 
opinion of mankind as many of my brother 
philosophers. I do not think poor human nature 
so sorry a piece of workmanship as they would 
make it out to be ; and as far as I have ob- 
served, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to 
himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. 
It is only this eternally sounduig in his ears that 
it is his duty to go right, which makes him go 
the very reverse. The noble independence of 
his nature revolts at this intolerable tyranny 
of law, and the perpetual interference of offi- 
cious morality, which are ever besetting his path 
with finger - posts and directions to " keep to 
the right, as the law directs " ; and like a spir- 
ited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gal- 
lops through mud and mire, over hedges and 
ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of spirit, 
and out of his leading-strings. And these opin- 
ions are amply substantiated by what I have 
above said of our worthy ancestors ; who never 
being be-preached and be-lectured, and guided 
and governed by statutes and laws and by-laws, 
as are their more enlightened descendants, did 
one and all demean themselves honestly and 
peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in other 
words, because they knew no better. 

Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest 
measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as 
it shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, 
like good Christians, they were always ready 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 163 

to serve God, after they had first served them- 
selves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves 
down, and provided for their own comfort, they 
bethought themselves of testifying their grati- 
tude to the great and good St. Nicholas, for 
his protecting care, in guiding them to this de- 
li icuible abode. To this end they built a fair 
and goodly chapel within the fort, wliich they 
eonsecrated to his name ; whereupon he immedi- 
ately took the town of New Amsterdam under 
I lis peculiar patronage, and he has ever since 
been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the tute- 
lar saint of this excellent city. 

At this early period was instituted that pious 
ceremony, still religiously observed in all our an- 
cient families of the right breed, of hangmg up 
a stocking in the chimney on St. Nicholas eve ; 
which stocking is always found in the morning 
miraculously filled ; for the good St. Nicholas 
has ever been a great giver of gifts, particularly 
to children. 

I am moreover told that there is a little leg- 
endary book, somewhere extant, written in Low 
Dutch, which says, that the image of this re- 
nowned saint, which wliilom graced the bowsprit 
of the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of 
this chapel, in the centre of what in modem 
days is called the Bowling Green, — on the very 
spot, in fact, where he appeared in vision to 
Oloffe the Dreamer. And the legend further 
tr(^,ats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty 
pipe which the saint held in his mouth, a whiff 
of which was a sovereign cure for indigestion,— 



164 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

an invaluable relic in this colony of brave trench- 
ur-men. As, however, in spite of the most dili- 
gent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this 
little book, I must confess that I entertain con- 
siderable doubt on the subject. 

Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicho- 
las, the infant city thrived apace. Hordes of 
painted savages, it is true, still lurked about the 
unsettled parts of the island. The hunter still 
pitched his bower of skins and bark beside the 
rills that ran through the cool and shady glens, 
while here and there might be seen, on some 
suiniy knoll, a group of Indian wigwams, whose 
Bmoke arose above the neighboring trees, and 
floated ui the transparent atmosphere. A mu- 
tual good-will, however, existed between these 
wandering bemgs and the burghers of New Am- 
sterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavored 
as much as possible to ameliorate their situation, 
by giving them gin, rum, and glass beads, in ex- 
change for their peltries ; for it seems the kmd- 
hearted Dutchmen had conceived a great friend- 
ship for their savage neighbors, on account of 
their being pleasant men to trade with, and little 
skilled in the art of making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half-human 
sons of the forest would make their appearance 
in the streets of New Amsterdam, fantastically 
painled and decorated with beads and flaunting 
feathers, sauntering about with an air of listless 
mdifference, — sometimes in the market-place, in- 
structing the little Dutch boys in the use of the 
bow and arrow, — at other times, inflamed with 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 165 

liquor, swaggering and whooping and yelling 
about the town like so many fiends, to the great 
dismay of all the good wives, who would hurry 
Iheir children into the house, fasten the doors, 
jind throw water upon the enemy from the gar- 
ret windows. It is worthy of mention here, that 
our forefathers were very particular in holding 
up these wild men as excellent domestic exam- 
ples — and for reasons that may be gathered 
from the history of master Ogilby, who tells 
us, that " for the least offence tlie bridegroom 
soimdly beats his wife and turns her out of 
doors, and marries another, insomuch that some 
of them have eveiy year a new wife." Whether 
this awful example had any influence or not, his- 
tory does not mention ; but it is certain that 
our grandmothers were miracles of fidelity and 
obedience. 

True it is, that the o;ood understanding]: be- 
tween our ancestors and their savajre neij^hboi's 
was liable to occasional interruptions, and I have 
heard my grandmother, who was a very wise old 
woman, and well versed in the history of thet?c. 
parts, tell a long story of a winter's e*^enuig, 
about a battle between the New Ar/istcrdammcra 
and the Indians, wliich was known hy the name 
of the Peach War, and which took place near » 
peach orchard, in a dark glen, which for a Ions 
vhile went by the name of Murderer's Valley 

The legend of this sylvan war was long cur- 
rent among the nurses, old wives, and other an 
cient chroniclers of the place ; but time and 
improvement have almost obliterated both the 



166 n I ST DRY OF NEW YORK. 

tradition and the scene of battle ; for what was 
once the blood-stiiincd valley is now in the centre 
of this populous city, and known by the name of 
Dey Street. 

I know not whether it was to this " Peach 
war," and the acquisitions of Indian land wliicl) 
may have grown out of it, that we may ascribe 
the first seeds of the spirit of " annexation " 
which now began to manifest themselves. Hith- 
erto the ambition of the worthy burghers had 
been confined to the lovely island of Manna-hata ; 
and Spiten Devil on the Hudson, and Hell-gate 
on the Sound, were to them the pillars of Her- 
cules, the ne plus ultra of human enterprise. 
Shortly after the Peach war, however, a restless 
spirit was observed among the New Amsterdam- 
mers, who began to cast wistful looks upon the 
wild lands of their Indian neighbors ; for, some- 
how or other, wild Indian land always looks 
greener ni the eyes of settlers than the land- 
they occupy. It is hinted that OlofFe the 
Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, as 
has been shown, the iiiherent spirit of a land- 
speculator, which had been wonderfully quick- 
ened and expanded since he had become a land- 
holder. Many of the common people, who had 
never before owned a foot of land, now began to be 
discontented with the town lots which had fallen 
to their shares ; others, who had snug farms and 
tobac^.0- plantations, found they had not sufficient 
elbow-room, and began to question the rights of 
the Indians to the vast regions they pretended to 
iiold, — wlnle the good OlofTe indulged in mag- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 167 

nificent dreams of foreign conquest and great 
patroonsliips in the wilderness. 

The result of these dreams were certain explor- 
ing expeditions, sent forth in various directions, 
to " sow the seeds of empire," as it was said. 
The earliest of these were conducted by Hans 
Reinier Oothout, an old navigator, famous for the 
Bharpness of his vision, who could see land when 
it was quite out of sight to ordinary mortals, and 
who had a spy-glass covered with a bit of tar- 
pauling, with which he could spy up the crook- 
edest river quite to its head -waters. He was 
accompanied by Mynlieer Ten Breeches, as land- 
measurer, in case of any dispute with the In- 
dians. 

What was the consequence of these exploring 
expeditions ? In a little while we find a frontier 
post or trading-house called Fort Nassau, estab- 
lished far to the south on Delaware River ; an- 
other, called Fort Goed Hoep (or Good Hope), 
on the Varsche, or Fresh, or Connecticut River, 
and another, called Fort Aurania (now Albany), 
a^vay up the Hudson River ; while the bounda- 
ries of the province kept extending on every 
side, nobody knew wliither, far mto the regions 
of Terra Incognita. 

Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the 
ambitious little province brought upon itself by 
these indefinite expansions of its territory, we* 
{hall treat at large in the after-pages of this 
eventful history ; sufiicient for the present is it 
to say tliat the swelling importance of the New 
Netherlands awakened the attention of tho 



168 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

mother-country, who, findmg it likely to yield 
much revenue and no trouble, began to take that 
interest in its welfare which knowing people 
evince for rich relations. 

But as this opens a new era in the fortunes of 
New Amsterdam, I will here put an end to this 
second book of my history, and will treat of the 
maternal policy of the mother-country in my 
next. 




BOOK m. 

IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEK 
VAN TWILLER. 




CHAPTER I. 

OP THE RENOWNED WOUTER VAN TWILLER, HIS UNPARALLELED VIRTUES 
— AS LIKEWISE HIS UNUTTERABLE WISDOM IN THE LAW-CASE OF WAN- 
DLE SCHOONHOVEN AND BARENT BLEECKER — AND THE GREAT ADMI- 
BATION OF THE PUBLIC THEREAT. 

IRIEVOUS and very much to be com- 
miserated is the task of the feeling his- 
torian, who writes the history of his 
native land. If it fall to his lot to be the re- 
corder of calamity or crime, the mournful page is 
watered with his tears ; nor can he recall the 
most prosperous and blissful era, without a melaii^ 
choly sigh at the reflection that it has passed away ^ 
forever ! I know not whether it be owing to an 
immoderate love for the simplicity of former 
times, or to that certain tenderness of heart inci- 
dent to all sentimental historiiins ; but I candidly 
confess that I cannot look back on the happier 



170 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

days of our city, which I now describe, without 
great dejection of spirit. With faltering hand do 
I withdi'aw the curtain of oblivion, that veils the 
modest nieiit of our venerable ancestors, and as 
their figures rise to my mental vision, humble 
myself before their mighty shades. 

Such are my feelings when 1 revisit the fam- 
ily mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a 
lonely hour in the chamber where hang the por- 
traits of my forefathers, sln-ouded in dust, like 
the forms they represent. With pious reverence 
do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned 
burghers, who have preceded me in the steady 
march of existence, — whose sober and temperate 
blood now meanders through my veins, flowing 
slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its 
current shall soon be stopped forever ! 

These, I say to myself, are but frail memorials 
of the mighty men who flourished in the days of 
i.he patriarchs ; but Avho, alas, have long since 
mouldered in that tomb towards which my steps 
are insensibly and irresistibly hastening ! As I 
pace the darkened chamber and lose myself in 
melancholy musings, the shadowy images around 
me almost seem to steal once more into existence, 
— their countenances to assume tlie animation of 
life, — their eyes to pursue me in every move- 
ment ! Carried away by the delusions of fancy, 
I almost imaguie myself sun-ounded by the si ades 
of the departed, and holding sweet converse with 
the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich ! 
born in .a degenerate Jige, abandoned to the buffet- 
iiigs of fortune, — a stranger and a weary pilgrim 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 171 

in thy native land, — blest with no weeping wife, 
nor family of helpless children, but doomed to 
wander neglected through those crowded streets, 
and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair 
abodes where once thine ancestors held sovereign 
empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the 
man, nor suffer the doting recollections of age to 
overcome me, while dwelling with fond garrulity 
on the virtuous days of the patriarchs, — on those 
sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never 
moi'e will dawn on the lovely island of Manna- 
hata. 

These melancholy reflections have been forced 
from me by tlie growmg wealth and importance 
of New Amsterdam, which, I plainly perceive, 
are to involve it in all kinds of perils and disas- 
ters. Already, as I observed at the close of my 
last book, they had awakened the attentions of 
tlie mother-country. The usual mark of protec- 
tion shown by mother-countries to wealthy colo- 
nies was forthwith manifested ; a governor being 
sent out to rule over the province, and squeeze 
out of it as much revenue as possible. The ar- 
rival of a governor of course put an end to the 
protectorate of Oloife the Dreamer. He appears, 
however, to have dreamt to some purpose during 
his sway, as we fii)d liim afterwards living as a 
patroon on a great landed estate on the banks of 
tlie Hudson ; having virtually forfeited all right 
to his ancient appellation of Kortlandt or Lack- 
land. 

It was in the year of oui Lord 1629 that 



172 HISTORY OF NEW T ORK. 

Mynheer Woiiter Van Twiller was appointed 
governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, 
under the commission and control of their High 
Mightinesses the Lords States General of the 
United Netherlands, and the privileged Wee/ 
India Company. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New 
Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the 
sweetest month in all the year ; when dan Apollo 
seems to dance up the transparent firmament. 
— when the robin, the thrush, and a tliousand 
other wanton songsters, make the woods to re- 
sound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious 
little boblincon revels amons: the clover -bios- 
soms of the meadows, — all which happy coinci- 
dence persuaded the old dames of New Amster- 
dam, who were skilled ui tlie art of foretelling 
events, tliat this was to be a happy and prosper- 
ous administration. 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twil- 
ler was descended from a long line of Dutch 
burgomasters, who had successively dozed away 
their lives, and grown fat upon the bench of 
magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who had com- 
poited themselves with such singular wisdom 
and propriety, that they were never either heard 
or talked of — which, next to being universally 
applauded, should be the object of ambition of 
ill magistrates and rulers. There are two oppo- 
site ways by which some men make a figure in 
the world : one, l)y talking faster than they think, 
and the other, by holding their tongues and not 
tliinking iit all. By the first, many a smatteru/ 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 173 

Rcquii'es the reputation of a man of quick parts ; 
by the other, many a dunderpate, like the owl, 
the stupidest of birds, comes to be considered 
the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is 
a casual remark, which I would not, for the uni- 
verse, have it thought I apply to Governor Van 
Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within 
liimself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except 
in monosyllables ; but then it was allowed he 
seldom said a fooHsh thing. So invmcible was his 
gravity that he was never known to laugh or 
even to smile through the whole course of a long 
and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered 
in his presence, that set light-muided hearers in 
a roar, it was observed to throw him into a state 
of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to in- 
quire into the matter, and when, after much ex- 
planation, the joke was made as plain as a pike- 
staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in 
silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, 
would exclaim, " Well ! I see nothing in all 
that to laugh about." 

With all his reflective habits, he never made 
up his mind on a subject. His adherents ac- 
counted for this by the astonishing magnitude of 
his ideas. He conceived every subject on so 
grand a scale that he had not room in liis head 
to turn it over and examine both sides of it, 
Certam it is, that, if any matter were propomided 
to him on which ordinary mortals would rashly 
determine at first glance, he would put on a 
vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious 
Siead, smoke some time in profound silence, and 



174 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

at length observe, that " he had his doubts about 
the matter " ; which gained him the reputation 
of a man slow of belief and not easily imposed 
upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting 
lame ; for to this habit of the mind has been 
attributed his surname of Twiller ; which is said 
ic be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, 
i: plain English, Doubter. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman 
was formed and proportioned, as though it had 
been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch 
statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly gran- 
deur. He was exactly five feet six inches in 
height, and six feet five inches in circumference. 
His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stu- 
pendous dimensions, that dame Nature, Avith all 
her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to 
construct a neck capable of supporting it ; where- 
fore she wisely declmed the attempt, and settled it 
firmly on the top of his backbone, just between 
the shoulders. His body was oblong and particu- 
larly capacious at bottom ; which was wisely or- 
dered by Providence, seeing that he was a man of 
sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor 
of walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in 
proportion to the weight they had to sustain ; so 
that when erect he had not a little the appear- 
ance of a beer-barrel on skids. His face, that 
infallible index of the mind, presented a vast 
expanse, unfurrowed by any of those lines and 
tingles which disfigure the human countenance 
with what is termed expression. Two small 
gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two 



ni STORY OF NEW YORK. 175 

Btars of lesser magnitude in a hazy firmament 
and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have 
taken toll of everything that went into his mouth, 
were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky 
red, like a spitzenberg apple. 

His habits were as regular as his person. lie 
daily took his four stated meals, appropriathig 
exactly an hour to each ; he smoked and doubted 
eight hours, and he slept the remauiing twelve 
of the four-and-twenty. Such Avas the renoAvned 
Wouter Van Twiller, — a true pliilosopher, for 
his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly 
settled below, the cares and perplexities of this 
world. He had lived in it for years, without 
feeling the least curiosity to know whether the 
smi revolved round it, or it round the sun ; and 
he had watched, for at least half a century, the 
smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, with- 
out once troubling his head with any of those 
numerous theories by which a pliilosopher would 
have perplexed his brain, m accounting for its 
rising above the surrounding atmosphere. 

In his council he presided >v:th great state 
and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid 
oak, hcAvn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, 
fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Am- 
sterdam, and curiously carved about the arms 
and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's 
claws. Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long 
Turkish pipe, v/rought with jasmin and amber, 
which had been presented to a stadtholder of 
Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one 
of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately 



176 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

chair would he sit, and this tnagnificent pipe 
would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a 
constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours to- 
gether upon a little print of Amsterdam, which 
hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of 
the council-chamber. Nay, it has even been said, 
that when any deliberation of extraordinary length 
and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned 
Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours at 
a time, that he might not be disturbed by exter- 
nal objects ; and at such times the internal com- 
motion of his mind was evinced by certain regular 
guttural sounds, which his admirers declared were 
merely the noise of conflict, made by liis contend- 
ing doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty 1 liave been enabled 
to collect these biographical anecdotes of the gi'eat 
man under consideration. The facts respecting 
him were so scattered and vague, and divers of 
them so questionable in point of authenticity, that 
I have had to give up the search after many, 
and decline the admission of still more, which 
would have tended to heighten the coloring of 
his portrait. 

I have been the more anxious to delineate 
fully the person and habits of Wouter Van Twil- 
ler, from the consideration that he was not only 
the first, but also the best governor that ever pre- 
(iided over this ancient and respectable province ; 
and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that 
T do not find throughout the whole of it a sinojle 
instance of any offender being brought to punish- 
ment, — a most indubitable sign of a merciful gov- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 177 

eriior, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the 
reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it 
is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal 
descendant. 

Tiie very outset of the career of this excellent 
magistrate was distinguished by an example of 
legal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a 
>vise and equitable administration. The morning 
after he had been installed in office, and at the 
moment that he was making his breakfast from a 
prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and In- 
dian pudding, he was interrupted by the appear- 
ance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important 
old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained 
bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he 
refused to come to a settlement of accounts, see- 
ing that there was a heavy balance in favor of 
the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I 
have already observed, was a man of few words ; 
he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying 
writino-s — or beinu; disturbed at his breakfast. 
Having listened attentively to the statement of 
Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, 
as he shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding 
into his mouth, — either as a sign that he rel- 
ished the dish, or comprehended the story, — he 
called unto him his constable, and pulling out of 
liis breeches-pocket a huge jack-knife, dispatched 
it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied 
by his tobacco-box as a warrant. 

This summary process was as effectual in those 
simple days as was the seal-ring of the great Ha- 
roun Alraschid among the true believers. The 

12 



178 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

two parties being confronted before him, each 
produced a book of accounts, written in a lan- 
guage and chai'acter that would have puzzled any 
but a High-Duich commentator, or a learned deci- 
pherer of Egyptian obelisks. The sage Wouter 
took them one after the other, and having poised 
them in his hands, and attentively counted over 
the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very 
great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without 
saying a word ; at length, laying liis finger beside 
tis nose, and shutting his eyes for a moment, 
with the air of a man who has just caught a 
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe 
from his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco- 
smoke, and with marvellous gravity and solem- 
nity pronounced, that, having carefully counted 
over the leaves and weighed the books, it was 
found, that one was just as thick and as heavy 
as the other : therefore, it was the final opinion 
of the court that the accounts were equally bal- 
anced : therefore, Wandle should give Barent 
a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a 
receipt, and the constable should pay the costs. 
This decision, being straightway made known, 
diffused general joy throughout New Amsterdam, 
for the people immediately perceived that they 
had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule 
over them. But its happiest effect was, that not 
another lawsuit took place throughout the whole 
of his administration ; and the office of constable 
fell into such decay, that tliere was not one of 
those losel scouts known in tlie province for many 
years. T am tlie more particular in dwelling 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 179 

on this transaction, not only because I deem it 
one ol* the most sage and righteous judgments on 
record, and well worthy the attention of mod- 
i!ni magistrates, but because it was a miracu- 
lous event in the history of the renowned Wouter, 
— being the only time he was ever known to 
{H)ine to a decision in the whole course of his lifii. 



180 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER II. 

90NTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OP THE GRAND CODNCII, OF NEW AMSTKB 
DAM, AS ALSO DIVERS ESPECIAL GOOD PHILOSOPHICAL REASONS WHl 
AN ALDERMAN SHODLD BE FAT — WITH OTHER PARTICULARS TOUCH- 
ING TUB STATE OF THE PROVINCE. 

N treating of the early governors of the 
province, I must caution my readers 
against confounding them, in point of 
dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen 
who are whimsically denominated governors in 
this enlightened republic, — a set of unhappy 
victims of popularity, who are, in fact, the most 
dependent, lien-pecked beings in the community ; 
doomed to bear the secret goadings and correc- 
tions of tlieir own party, and the sneers and re- 
vi lings of the whole world beside ; set up, like 
geese at Chiistmas holidays, to be pelted and 
shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the 
land. On the coiitraiy, the Dutch governors en- 
joyed tliat uncontrolled authority vested in all 
commandei's of distant colonies or territoricjs. 
They were, in a manner, absolute despots in 
their little domains, lording it, if so disposed, 
over both law and gospel, and accountable to 
none but the mother-country ; which it is well 
knoAvn is astonishingly deaf to all complaints 
against its governors, provided they discharge the 
main duty of their slation — squeezing out a good 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 181 

pevenue. This hint will be of importance, to pre- 
vent my readers from being seized with doubt 
and incredulity, whenever, in the course of this 
authentic history, they encounter the uncommon 
circumstance of a governor acting with indepen- 
dence, and in opposition to the opinions of the 
multitude. 

To assist the doubtful "Wouter in the arduous 
business of legislation, a board of magistrates 
\^'as appointed, which presided immediately over 
the police. This potent body consisted of a 
schout or bailiff, with powers between those of 
the present mayor and sheriff; five burgermees- 
ters, who were equivalent to aldermen ; and five 
schepens, who officiated as scrubs, subdevils, or 
bottle-holders tx) the burgermeesters, in the same 
manner as do assistant aldermen to their princi- 
pals at the present day, — it being then- duty to 
fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt 
the markets for delicacies for corporation din- 
ners, and to discharge such other little offices of 
kindness as were occasionally required. It was, 
moreover, tacitly miderstood, though not specifi- 
cally enjoined, that they should consider them- 
selves as butts for the blunt wits of the burger- 
meesters, and should laugh most heartily at all 
their jokes ; but this last was a duty as rarely 
called in action in those days as it is at pres- 
ent, and was shortly remitted, in consequence of 
the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who 
actually died of suffocation in an unsuccessful 
effort to force a laugh at one of burgermeester 
Van Zandt's best jokes. 



182 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

In return for these humble services, they were 
permitted to say yes and no at the council-board, 
and to have that enviable privilege, the run of 
the public kitchen, — being graciously permitted 
to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all those snug 
junketings and public gormandizings for which 
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with 
tlieir modern successors. The post of schepen, 
therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was 
eagerly coveted by all your burghers of a certain 
description, who have a huge relish for good 
feeding, and an humble ambition to be great men 
in a small way, — who thirst after a little brief 
authority, that shall render them the terror of the 
alms-house and the bridewell, — that shall enable 
them to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant 
vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger-driven dis- 
honesty, — that shall give to their beck a hound- 
like pack of catchpolls and bumbailiffs — tenfold 
greater rogues than the culprits they hunt down ! 
My readers will excuse tliis sudden warmth, which 
I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian, — 
but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, bum- 
bailiffs, and little-great men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corre- 
sponded with those of the present time no less in 
form, magnitude, and intellect, than in preroga- 
tive and privilege. The burgomasters, like our 
aldermen, were generally chosen by weight, — 
and not only the weight of the body, but like- 
wise the weight of the head. It is a maxim 
practically observed in all honest, plain-thinking, 
legular cities, that an alderman should be fat, — 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 183 

and the wisdom of this can be proved to a cer- 
tainty. That the body is in some measure an 
image of the mind, or rather that the mind is 
moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay 
in which it is cast, has been insisted on by many 
philosophers, who have made human nature their 
peculiar study ; for, as a learned gentleman of 
our own city observes, " there is a constant re- 
lation between the moral character of all intelli- 
gent creatures and their physical constitution, 
between their habits and the structure of their 
bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, dimin- 
utive body is generally accompanied by a petu- 
lant, restless, meddling mind : either the mind 
wears down the body, by its continual motion, 
or else the body, not affording the mind sufficient 
house-room, keeps it continually in a state of 
fretfulness, tossing and worrying about from the 
uneasiness of its situation. Wliereas your round, 
sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is ever attended by 
a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; 
and we may always observe, that your well-fed, 
robustious burghers are in general very tenacious 
of their ease and comfort, being great enemies 
to noise, discord, and disturbance, — and surely 
none are more likely to study the public tranquil- 
lity than those who are so careful of their own. 
Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or 
herding together in turbulent mobs ? — no — no ; 
't is your lean, hungry men who are continu- 
ifilly worrying society, and setting the whole com- 
munity by the ears. 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suf« 



184 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ficieiitly attended to by philosophers of the pres- 
ent age, allows to every man three souls : one, 
immortal and rational, seated in the brain, that it 
may overlook and regulate the body ; a second, 
consisting of the surly and irascible passions 
which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped 
around the heart ; a third, mortal and sensual, 
destitute of re'ason, gross and brutal in its pro- 
pensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may 
not disturb the divine soid by its ravenous bowl- 
ings. Now, according to this excellent theory, 
what can be more clear than that your fat alder- 
man is most likely to have the most regular and 
well-conditioned mind. His head is like a huge 
spherical chamber, containmg a prodigious mass 
of soft brains, whereon the rational soul lies 
softly and snugly couched, as on a feather-bed ; 
and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed- 
chamber, are usually half closed, that its slum- 
berings may not be disturbed by external objects. 
A mind thus comfortably lodged, and protected 
from disturbance, is manifestly most likely to 
perform its functions with regularity and ease. 
By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and 
malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and 
which, by its i*aging and roaring, puts the irritable 
soul in the neighborhood of the heart in an intol- 
erable passion, and thus renders men crusty and 
quarrelsome when hungry, is completely pacllied, 
silenced, and put to rest, — whereupon a host of 
honest, good - fellow qualities and kind - hearted 
affections, which had lain perdue, slyly peeping 
out of the loop-holes of the heart, finding Uiia 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 186 

Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn 
out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol 
up and do^vn the diaphragm, — disposing their 
possessor to laughter, good-humor, and a thou- 
sand friendly offices towards his fellow-mortals. 
As a board of magistrates, formed on this prin- 
ciple, think but very little, they are the less 
likely to differ and wrangle about favorite opin- 
ions ; and as they generally transact business 
upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed 
to be lenient and indulgent in the administration 
of their duties. Charlemagne was conscious of 
this, and therefore ordered in his cartularies, that 
no judge should hold a court of justice, except in 
the morning, on an empty stomach. — A pitiful 
rule, which I can never forgive, and which I 
warrant bore hard upon all the poor culprits in 
the kingdom. The more enlio-htened and humane 
generation of the present day have taken an 
opposite course, and have so managed that the 
aldermen are the best-fed men in the community ; 
feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and 
gorging so heartQy on oysters and turtles, that in 
process of time they acquire the activity of the 
one, and the form, the waddle, and the green fat 
of the other. The consequence is, as I have just 
said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a 
dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational 
and irrational, that their transactions are prover- 
bial for unvarying monotony ; and the profoiuid 
laws which they enact in their dozing moments, 
amid the labors of digestion, are quietly suffered 
to remain as dead letters, and never enforced, 



186 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

when awake. In a word, your fair, round-bellied 
burgomaster, like a full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly 
at the house-door, always at home, and always at 
hand to watch over its safety ; but as to electing 
a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has 
now and then been done, I would as lief put a 
greyhound to watch the house, or a race-horse to 
draw an ox-wagon. 

The burgomasters, then, as I have already men- 
tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the 
schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed to 
attend upon them and help them eat ; but the lat- 
ter, in the course of time, when they had been 
fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and 
drowsmess of brain, became very eligible can- 
didates for the burgomasters* chairs, havmg fairly 
eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his 
way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, 
blue-nosed, skimmed-milk, New-England cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations 
that took place between the reno\vned Wouter 
and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the 
sage divans of some of our modern corporations. 
They would sit for hours, smoking and dozing 
over public affiiirs, without speaking a word to 
interrupt that perfect stillness so necessary to 
deep reflection. Under the sober sway of 
Wouter Van Twiller and these his worthy co- 
adjutors,' the infant settlement waxed vigorous 
apace, gradually emerging from the swamps and 
forests, and exliibiting that mhigled appearance 
of town and country, customary in new cities, 
ftnd wliich at this day may be witnessed in the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 187 

eity of Washington, — that immense metropolis, 
which makes so glorious an appearance on paper 

It was a pleasing sight, in those times, to 
behold the honest burgher, like a patriarch of 
yore, seated on the bench at the door of his 
whitewashed house, under the shade of some 
gigantic sycamore or overhanging willow. Here 
would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, 
enjoying the soft southern breeze, and listening 
with silent gratulation to the clucking of his hens, 
the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous grunt- 
ing of his swine, — that combination of farm-yard 
melody which may truly be said to have a silver 
somid, inasmuch as it conveys a certain assurance 
of profitable marketing. 

The modern spectator, who wanders through 
the streets of this populous city, can scarcely 
form an idea of the different appearance they 
presented in the primitive days of the Doubter. 
The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of rev- 
elry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, the rat- 
tling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving 
sounds of brawling commerce, were unknown in 
the settlement of New Amsterdam. The grass 
grew quietly in the highways ; the bleating 
sheep and frolicsome calves sported about the 
verdant ridge, where now the Broadway lomigers 
take their morning stroll ; the cunning fox or 
ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where now 
tire to be seen the dens of Gomez and his right- 
eous fraternity of money-brokers ; and flocks ot 
Irociferous geese cackled about the fields where 
now the great Tammany wigwam and the patri- 



188 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

otic tavern of Martling echo with the wranglings 
of the mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable 
equality of rank and property prevail, equally 
removed from the arrogance of wealth, and the 
servility and heart-burnings of repining poverty ; 
and, what in my mind is still more conducive 
to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a 
happy equality of intellect was likewise to be 
seen. The minds of the good burghers of New 
Amsterdam seemed all to have been cast in one 
mould, and to be those honest, blunt minds, which, 
like certain manufactures, are made by the gross, 
and considered as exceedingly good for common 
use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
generally preferred for public employ, and espe- 
cially promoted to city honors ; your keen intel- 
lects, like razors, being considered too sharp for 
common service. I know that it is common to rail 
at the unequal distribution of riches, as the great 
source of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings ; 
whereas, for my part, I verily believe it is the sad 
inequality of intellect that prevails, that embroils 
communities more than anything else ; and I 
have remarked that your knowing people, who 
are so much wiser than anybody else, are eter- 
nally keeping society in a ferment. Happily for 
New Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was known 
within its walls ; the very words of learning, ed- 
ucation, taste, and talents were unlieard of; a 
bright genius was an animal unknown, and a blue- 
stocking lady would have been regarded with bb 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 189 

much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon. 
No man, in fact, seemed to know more than his 
neiglibor, nor any man to know more than an 
honest man ought to know, who has nobody's 
business to mind but his own ; the parscn mid 
tht council clerk were the only men that cx)uld 
read in the community, and the sage Van 1 vviller 
always signed his name with a cross. 

Thrice luippy and ever to be envied little 
Burgli ! existing in all the security of harmless 
insignificance, — unnoticed and unenvied by the 
world, without ambition, without vainglory, with- 
o\it riches, witiiout lejyning, and all their train of 
carking cares ; — and as of yore, in the better 
days of man, the deities were wont to visit 
him on eartli and bless his rural habitations, so, 
we are told, in the sylvan days of New Amster- 
dam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his 
appearance in his beloved city, of a holiday after- 
noon, riding joUily among the ti-ee-tops, or over 
the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing forth 
magnificent presents from liis breeches-pockets, 
and dropping them down the chimneys of liis 
favorites. Whei'eas, in these degenerate days of 
iron and brass, he never shows us the light of his 
countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night in 
the year, when he rattles down the chimneys of 
the descendants of patriarchs, confining his pres- 
ents merely to the children, in token of the de- 
geiieracy of the parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects 
of a fat government. The province of the New 
Netherlands, destitute of wealtli, possessed a 



190 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Bweet tranquillity that wealth could never pui*- 
chase. There were neither public commotions, 
nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, 
nor schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor 
punishments ; nor were tliere counsellors, attor- 
neys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every man at- 
tended to what little business he was lucky enough 
to have, or neglected it if he pleased, without 
asking the opinion of his neighbor. In those 
days nobody meddled with concerns above his 
comprehension ; nor thrust liis nose into other 
people's affairs ; nor neglected to correct liis own 
conduct, and reform liis own character, in his 
zeal to pull to pieces the characters of others ; — 
but, in a word, eveiy I'cspectable citizen ate 
when he was not hungiy, drank wlien he was not 
thirsty, and went regularly to bed when the sun 
set and the fowls went to roost, whether he was 
sleepy or not ; all which tended so remarkably to 
the population of tlie settlement, that I am told 
every dutiful wife throughout New Amsterdam 
made a point of enriching her husband with at 
least one child a year, and very often a brace, — 
tliis superabundance of good things clearly consti- 
tuting the true luxury of life, according to the 
favorite Dutch maxim, that " more than enough 
constitutes a feast." ]Cverything, therefore, went 
on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words 
employed by historians to express the welfare of 
a country, " the profoundest tranquillity &.in\ repott 
reigned throughout the province." 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 191 




CHAPTER m. 

low THE TOWN OF NEW AMSTERDAM AROSE OUT OP Man, AND CfAMI 
TO 3E MARVELLOUSLY POLISHED AND POLITE — TOGETHER WITH A 
PICTURE 0» THE MANNERS OF OUR 0REAT-0REAT-QRANDFATHER3 

^ANIFOLD are the tastes and disposi- 
tions of the enlightened literati, who 
turn over tlie pages of history. Some 
there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast 
of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and 
swell, and foam, Avith untried valor, hke a barrel 
of new cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from 
under the hands of his tailor. This doughty 
class of readers can be satisfied Avith notliing but 
bloody battles, and horrible encounters ; they 
must be continually storming forts, sacking cities 
springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of 
camion, charging bayonet through every page, 
and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. Others, 
who are of a less martial, but equally ardent 
imagination, and who, withal, are a little given 
TO the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous 
satisfaction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard- 
of events, hair-breadth escapes, hardy adventures, 
and all those astonishing narrations which just 
amble along the boundary-line of possibility. A 
third class, who, not to S})eak sliglitly of them, 
are of a lio;hter turn, and skim over the records 



192 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of past times, as they do over the edifying pages 
of a novel, merely for relaxation and imiocent 
amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, 
executions. Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, con- 
flagrations, murders, and all the other catalogue 
of liideous crimes, which, like cayenne in cookery, 
do give a pungency and flavor to the dull detiiil 
of history. AVhile a fourth class, of more pliilo- 
sopliic habits, do diligently pore over the musty 
chronicles of time, to investigate the operations 
of the human kind, and watch the gradual 
changes in men and manners, effected by the 
progress of knowledge, tlie vicissitudes of events, 
or the influence of situation. 

If the three first classes find but little where- 
withal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign 
of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert 
their patience for a wliile, and bear with the 
tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and 
peace, which my duty as a faithful historian 
obliges me to draw ; and I promise them, that, 
as soon as I can possibly ahglit on anything 
h()n-il)le, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go 
hard, but I will make it afford them entertain- 
ment. Tliis being premised, I turn with great 
complacency to the fourth class of my readers, 
wiio are men, or, if possible, women after my 
nwn heart; grave, philosophical, and investigjit- 
ing ; fond of analyzing characters, of taking a 
^tart from first causes, and so Ininting a nation 
clown, tlirougli all the mazes of innovation and 
improvement. Such will naturally be anxious 
to witness the first development of the newly- 



/ 



a IS TORT OF NEW YORK. 193 

hatched colony, and the primitive manners and 
customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during 
the halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the Doubter. 

I will not grieve their patience, however, b)' 
describing minutely the increase and improve- 
ment of New Amsterdam. Their own imaghia- 
tions will doubtless present to them the good 
burghers, like so many pamstaking and persever- 
ing beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their 
labors : they will behold the prosperous trans- 
formation from the rude log hut to the stately 
Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed windows, 
and tiled roof; from the tangled thicket to the 
luxuriant cabbao-e-nrarden ; and from the skulk- 
ing Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. Li a 
word, they ^vill picture to themselves the steady, 
silent, and undeviating march of prosperity inci- 
dent to a city destitute of pride or ambition, 
cherished by a fat government, and whose citizens 
do nothing in a hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a 
preceding chapter, not being able to determine 
upon any plan for the building of their city, — 
the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it 
under their peculiar charge, and, as they went to 
and from pasture, estaljlished paths through the 
bushes, on each side of which the good folks 
built their houses, — which is one cause of the 
rambling and picturesque turns and labyrintlis 
wliich distinguish certain streets of New York 
at this very day. 

The houses of the liigher class were generally 
constructed of wood, excepting the gable end 
13 



194 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

which wiis of small, black and yellow Dutch bricks, 
and always faced on the street, as our ancestors, 
like their descejidants, were very much given to 
outward show, and were noted for putthig tiie 
best leg foremost. The house was always fiu'- 
iiished with abundance of large doors aitd small 
windows on every floor, the date of its erection 
was curiously designated by iron figures on the 
front, and on the top of the roof was perched a 
fierce little weathercock, to let the family into 
the important secret which way the wind blew. 

These, hke the weathercocks on the tops of 
our steeples, pointed so many different ways, 
that every man could have a wind to his mind ; 
— the most stanch and loyal citizens, however, 
always went according to the weathercock on 
the top of the governor's house, which was cer- 
tainly the most correct, as he had a trusty ser- 
vant employed every morning to climb up and 
set it to the right quarter. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, 
a passion for cleanliness was the leading principle 
in domestic economy, and the universal test of 
an able housewife, — a character which formed 
the utmost ambition of our unenlightened grand- 
mothers. The front -door Avas never opened, 
except on marriages, funerals, New -Year's days, 
the festival of St. Nicholas, or some such great 
occasion. It was ornamented with a gorgeous 
brass knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes iu 
the device of a dog, and sometimes of a lion's 
head, and was daily burnished with such relig- 
ions zeal, that it was ofttimes worn out by the 



mSTORY OF NEW YORK. 195 

very precautions taken for its preservation. The 
jvbole house was constantly in a state of inunda- 
tion, under the discipline of mops and brooms 
find scrubbing-brushes ; and the good housewives 
of those days were a kind of amphibious animal. 
d(3lighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water, — 
insomuch that an historian of tlie day gravely 
UjUs us, that many of his towns women grew to 
liave webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and some 
of them, he had little doubt, could the matter be 
examined into, would be found to have the tails 
of mermaids, — but this I look upon to be a mere 
sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a wilful misrep- 
resentation. 

The grand parlor was the sanctum sanctorum, 
where the passion for cleaning was indulged 
without control. In this sacred apartment no 
one was permitted to enter, excepting the mis- 
tress and her confidential maid, who visited it 
once a week, for the purpose of giving it a thor- 
ough cleaning, and putting things to rights, — 
always taking the precaution of leaving their shoes 
at the door, and entering devoutly on their stock- 
ing-feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it 
with fine white sand, which was curiously stroked 
into angles and curves and rhomboids with a 
broom, — after washing the windows, rubbing 
und polishing the furniture, and putting a new 
bunch of evergreens in the fireplace, — the win- 
dow-shutters were again closed to keep out the 
♦lies, and the room carefully locked up until the 
revolution of time brought round the weekly 
cleaning-day. 



196 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

As to the family, they always entered in at 
the gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. 
To have seen a numerous household assem- 
bled round the fire, one would have imagined 
lliat he was transported back to those happy 
(lays of primeval simplicity, which float before 
our imaginations like golden visions. The fire- 
places were of a truly patriarchal magnitude, 
where tlie whole family, old and young, master 
and servant, black and white, nay, even the very 
cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege, 
and had each a right to a corner. Here the old 
burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his 
pipe, looking in the fire with half-shut eyes, 
and thinking of nothing for hours together ; the 
goede vrouw, on the opposite side, would employ 
herself diligently in spinning yarn, or knitting 
stockings. The young folks would crowd around 
the hearth, listening with breathless attention to 
some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle 
of the family, and who, perched like a raven in 
a corner of the chimney, would croak forth for 
a long winter afternoon a string of incredible 
stories about New -England witches, — grislj' 
ghosts, liorses \vithout heads, — and hair-breadth 
escapes, and bloody encounters among the In- 
dians. 

In those happy days a well-regulated family 
always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and 
went to bed at sunset. Dinner was invariably a 
private meal, and the fat old burghers showed in- 
contestible signs of disa})probation and imeasiness 
at being surprised by a visit from a neighbor on 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK 197 

such occasions. But though our worthy ances* 
tors were thus singularly averse to giving din- 
ners, yet they kept up the social bands of inti 
macy by occasional banquetings, called tea-par- 
ties. 

These fashionable parties were generally con- 
fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, tliat is to 
say, such as kept their own cows, and drove their 
own wagons. The company commonly assembled 
at three o'clock, and went away about six, unless 
it was in winter-time, when the fashionable hours 
were a little earlier, that the ladies might get 
home before dark. The tea-table was crowned 
with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices 
of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and 
swimming in gravy. The company being seated 
round the genial board, and each furnished with 
a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching at 
the fattest pieces in this mighty dish, — in much 
the same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises 
at sea, or our Lidians spear salmon in the lakes. 
Sometimes the table was graced with immense 
apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches 
and pears ; but it was always sure to boast an 
enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, fried 
in hog's fat, and called doughnuts, or olykoeks, — 
a delicious kind of cake, at present scarce laiown 
in this city, except in genuine Dutch families. 

The tea was served out of a majestic Delfl 
jea-pot, ornamented with paintings of fat little 
Dutch shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs 
with boats sailing in the air, and houses built in 
the clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch 



198 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves 
by their adroitness in replenishing this pot from 
a huge copper tea-kettle, which would have made 
the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days 
sweat mei'ely to look at it. To sweeten the bev- 
erage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup, 
and the company alternately nibbled and sijiped 
with great decorum, until an improvement was 
introduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, 
which was to suspend a large lump directly over 
the tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that 
it could be swung from mouth tx) mouth, — an in- 
genious expedient, which is still kept up by some 
families in Albany, but which prevails without 
exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, 
and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. 

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost pro- 
priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No 
flirting nor coquetting, — no gambling of old la- 
dies, nor hoyden chattering and romping of young 
ones, — no self-satisfied struttings of wealthy gen- 
tlemen, with their brains in their pockets, nor 
amusing conceits and monkey divertisements of 
smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On 
the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves 
demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit 
their own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened 
tlieir lipsexcep ting to say yah Mynheer^ or, yah 
ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them ; 
behaving in all things like decent, well-educated 
damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of tliem 
tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in 
conteinphuion of the blue and white tiles with 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 199 

ivhich the fireplaces were decorated ; wherein sun- 
dry passages of Scripture Avere piously portrayed : 
Tobit and his dog figured to great advantage ; 
Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet ; and 
Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out of 
the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of 
fire. 

The parties broke up without noise and with- 
out confusion. They were carried home by their 
own carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles natm*e 
had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy 
as could afford to keep a wagon. The gentlemen 
gallantly attended their fair ones to their respec- 
tive abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty 
emack at the door : which, as it was an estab- 
lished piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplici- 
ty and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at 
that time, nor should it at the present ; — if our 
great-grandfathers approved of the custom, it 
would argue a great want of deference in their 
descendants to say a word against it. 



200 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER IV. 

CONTAININa FORTHER PARTICULARS OF THE GOLDEN AOE, AND WHAl 
CONSTITUTED A FINE LADY AND GENTLEMAN IN THE DAYS OF WAL- 
TER THE DOUBTER. 

jN this dulcet period of ray history, when 
the beauteous island of Maniia-hata pi'e- 
sented a scene, the very counterpart of 
those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign 
of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, 
a happy ignorance, an honest simplicity prevalent 
among its inhabitants, which, were I even able to 
depict, would be but little understood by the de- 
generate age for which I am doomed to write. 
Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon 
the tranquillity, the honesty, and gray-beard cus- 
toms of society, seemed for a while to conduct 
themselves with incredible sobriety and comeli- 
ness. 

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of 
art, was scrupulously pomatumed back from their 
tbreheads with a candle, and covered with a littly 
cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly tc 
their heads. Their petticoats of linsey-woolsey 
were striped wMth a variety of gorgeous dyes, — 
though I must confess these gallant garments 
were rather short, scarco reaching below the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 201 

knee ; but then they made up in the number, 
which generally equalled that of the gentleman's 
small-clothes ; and what is still more praisewor- 
thy, they were all of their own manufacture, — 
of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, 
they were not a little vain. 

These were the honest days in which every 
woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore 
pockets, — ay, and that too of a goodly size, fash- 
ioned with patchwork into many curious devices, 
and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, 
in fact, were convenient receptacles, where all 
good house"wives carefully stored away such 
things as they wished to have at hand ; by Avhich 
means they often came to be incredibly crammed ; 
and I remember there was a story current, when 
I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van T wilier 
once had occasion to empfty her right pocket in 
search of a wooden ladle, when the contents filled 
a couple of corn-baskets, and the utensil was dis- 
covered lying among some rubbish in one comer; 
' — but we must not give too much faith to all 
these stories, the anecdotes of those remote peri- 
ods being very subject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise 
wore scissors and pin-cushions suspended from 
their girdles by red ribands, or, among the more 
opulent and showy classes, by brass, and even sil- 
ver chains, — indubitable tokens of thrifty house- 
wives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say 
much in vindication of the shortness of the petti- 
coats ; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose 
of gi^'ing the stockings a chance to be seen, which 



202 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

were generally of blue worsted, with magnificent 
red clocks, — or, perhaps, to display a well-turned 
ankle, and a neat, though serviceable foot, set off 
by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large and 
splendid silver buckle. Thus we, find that the 
gentle sex in all ages have shown the same dis- 
{)osition to infringe a little upon the laws of deco- 
rum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or grat- 
ify an innocent love of finery. 

From the sketch here given, it will be seen 
that our good grandmothers differed considerably 
in their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily 
dressed descendants of the present day. A fine 
lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, 
even on a fair summer's day, than would have 
clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. 
Nor were they the less admired by the gentle- 
men in consequence thereof On the contrary, 
the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to in- 
crease in proportion to the magnitude of its 
object, — and a volummous damsel, arrayed in a 
dozen of petticoats, was declared by a Low-Dutch 
sonneteer of the province to be radiant as a sun- 
flower, and luxuriant as a full - bloA\'n cabbage. 
Certain it is, that in those days the heart of a 
lover could not contain more than one lady at a 
time ; whereas the heart of a modern gallant litw 
often room enough to accommodate half a dozen. 
The reason of which I conclude to be, that either 
the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, 
or the persons of the ladies smaller : this, how- 
ever, is a question for physiologists to determine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petti- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 203 

eoats, which, no doubt, entered into the consider- 
ation of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of 

lady was in those days her only fortune ; and 
she who had a good stock of petticoats and stock- 
ings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kam- 
tchatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a 
Lapland belle with a plenty of reindeer. The 
ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display 
these powerful attractions to the greatest advan- 
tage ; and the best rooms in the house, instead 
of being adorned with caricatures of dame Na- 
ture, in water - colors and needle - work, were 
always hung round with abundance of homespun 
garments, the manufactm'e and the property of 
the females, — a piece of laudable ostentation 
that still prevails among the heiresses of our 
Dutch villages. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured m the cir- 
cles of the gay world in these ancient times, cor- 
responded, in most particulars, with the beauteous 
damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to 
deserve. True it is, their merits would make 
but a very inconsiderable impression upon the 
heart of a modem fair : they neither drovp their 
curricles, nor sported their tandems, for as yet 
those gaudy vehicles were not even drearht of; 
neither did they distinguish themselves by their 
brilliancy at the table, and their consequent ren- 
contres with watchmen, for our forefathers were 
of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians 
of the night, every soul throughout the town 
being sound asleep before mne o'clock. Neither 
did they estabUsh their claims to gentility at the 



204 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

expense of their tailors, for as yet those offenders 
against the pockets of society, and the tranquillity 
of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown 
in New Amsterdam ; every good housewife made 
the clothes of her husband and family, and even 
the o^oede vrouw^ of Van Twiller himself thou":ht 
it no disparagement to cut out her husband's 
linsey-woolsey galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three 
yomigsters who manifested the first dawning of 
what is called fire and spirit ; who held all labor 
in contempt ; skulked about docks and market- 
places ; loitered in the sunshine ; squandered 
what little money they could procure at hustle- 
cap and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought 
cocks, and raced their neighbors' horses ; in 
short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, 
and abomination of the town, had not their stylish 
career been mifortunately cut short by an affair 
of honor with a whipping-post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable 
gentleman of those days . his dress, wliich served 
for both morning and evening, street and draw- 
ing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, per- 
Iiaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his af- 
fections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance 
of large brass buttons ; half a score of breeches 
heightened the proportions of his figure ; his shoes 
were decorated by enormous copper buckles ; a 
low-crowned broad-rimmed hat overshadowed his 
burly visage ; and his hair dangled down his 
back in a prodigious queue of eel-skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth, 



HISTORY OF NEW lOL? 205 

with pipe in mouth, to besiege some fair damsel's 
obdurate heart, — not such a pipe, good reader, 
as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of 
his Galatea, but one of true Delft manufacture, 
tind furnished with a charg-e of fragrant tobacco. 
With this would he resolutely set himself doA^ii 
before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the pro- 
cess of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a sur- 
render, upon honorable terms. 

Such was tlie happy reign of Wouter Van 
Twiller, celebrated in many a long-forgotten song 
as the real golden age, the rest beuig nothing but 
counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delight- 
ful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over 
the whole province. The burgomaster smoked 
his pipe m peace ; the substantial solace of his 
domestic cares, after her daily toils were done, 
sat soberly at the door, with her arms crossed 
over her apron of snowy Avhite, without bemg 
insulted Avith ribald street-walkers or vagabond 
boys, — those unlucky urchins who do so infest 
our streets, displaying, under the roses of youth, 
the thorns and briers of iniquity. Then it was 
that the lover with ten breeches, and the damsel 
with petticoats of half a score, indulged m all the 
innocent endearments of virtuous love, without 
fear and without reproach ; for what had that 
virtue to fear, which was defended by a shield of 
good linsey-woolseys, equal at least to the sevcTi 
buU-hides of the invincible Ajax ? 

Ah, blissful and never to be forgotten age ! 
when everything was better than it has ever been 
^ince, or ever will be again, — when Buttermilk 



206 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

Channel was quite dry at low water, — when the 
shad in the Hudson were ail salmon, — and when 
the moon shone with a pure and resplendent 
whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light 
which is the consequence of her sickening at the 
abominations she every night witnesses in this 
degenerate city ! 

Happy would it have been for New Amster- 
dam could it always have existed in this state of 
blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity ; but, alas ! 
the days of childhood are too sweet to last ! Cit- 
ies, like men, grow out of them m time, and are 
doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares, 
and miseries of the world. Let no man congi'at- 
ulate himself, when he beholds the child of his 
bosom or the city of his birth increasing in mag- 
nitude and importance, — let the history of his 
o^vn life teach him the dangers of the one, and 
tliis excellent little history of Manna-hata con- 
vince him of the calamities of the other. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 2'J7 



CHAPTER V. , 

5F THE FOUNDING OP FORT ATJRANIA — OF THE MYSTERIES OP THE BtTL- 
SON — OF THE ARRIVAL OF THE PATROON KILLIAN VAN RENSELIAER ; 
HIS LORDLY DESCENT UPON THE EARTH, AND HIS INTRODUCTION 0? 
CLUB-LAW. 

^^^^^T has already been mentioned, that, in 
)^ S^ ^^^^ early times of Oloffe the Dreamer, 
<?yc^^ a frontier-post, or trading-house, called 
Fort Aurania, had been established on the uppei 
waters of the Hudson, precisely on the site of 
the present venerable city of Albany ; which 
was at that time considered at the very end of 
the habitable world. It was, indeed, a re?Taote 
possession, with which, for a long time, New 
Amsterdam held but little intercourse. Now 
and then the " Company's Yacht," as it was 
called, was sent to the fort with supplies, and to 
bring away the peltries which had been pur- 
chased of the Indians. It was like an expedition 
to the Indias, or the North Pole, and always 
made great talk in the settlement. Sometimes 
an adventurous burgher would accompany the 
expedition, to the great uneasiness of his friends ; 
but, on his return, had so many stories to tell of 
storms and tempests on the Tappan Zee, of hob- 
goblins in the Highlands and at the Devil's Dans 
Kammer, and of all the other wonders and perils 
with which the river abounded in those early 



208 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

days, that he deterred the less adventurous in 
habitants from following his example. 

Matters were in this state, when, one da/, as 
Walter the Doubter and his burgermeesters were 
smoking and pondering over the affairs of the 
province, they were roused by the report of a 
cannon. Sallying forth, they beheld a strange 
vessel at anchor in the bay. It was miquestion- 
ably of Dutch build, broad-bottomed and high- 
pooped, and bore the flag of then* High Might- 
inesses at the mast-head. 

After a while, a boat put off for land, and a 
stranger stepped on shore, — a lofty, lordly kind 
of man, tall, and dry, with a meagre face, fur- 
nished with huge moustaches. He was clad in 
Flemish doublet and hose, and an insufferably 
tall hat, with a cocktail feather. Such was the 
patroon Killian Van Rensellaer, who had come 
out from Holland to found a colony or patroon- 
ship on a great tract of wild land, granted to 
him by their High Mightinesses the Lords States 
General, in the upper regions of the Hudson. 

Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days' won- 
der ui New Amsterdam ; for he carried a high 
head, looked down upon the portly, short-legged 
burgomasters, and owned no allegiance to the 
governor himself; boasting that he held his pa- 
Iroonship directly from tlic Lords States General. 

He tarried but a sliort time in New Amster- 
dam, merely to beat up recruits for his colony. 
Few, however, ventiu'ed to enlist for those re- 
mote and savage regions ; and when they em- 
barked, their friends took leave of them as if 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 209 

they should never see them more, and stood gaz- 
ing with tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned 
little vessel ploughed and splashed its way up 
the Hudson, with great noise and little progress, 
taking nearly a day to get out of sight of the city. 

And now, from time to time, floated down 
tidings to the Manhattoes of the growing impor- 
tance of this new colony. Every account repre- 
sented Killian Van Rensellaer as rising m impor- 
tance and becoming a mighty patroon in the land. 
He had received more recruits from Holland. 
Hjs patroonship of Rensellaerwick lay imme- 
diately below Fort Aurania, and extended for 
several miles on each side of the Hudson, beside 
embracing the mountainous region of the Held- 
erberg. Over all this he claimed to hold sepa- 
rate jurisdiction, independent of the colonial au- 
thorities of New Amsterdam. 

All these assumptions of authority were duly 
reported to Governor Van Twiller and his coun- 
cil, by dispatches from Fort Aurania ; at each 
new report the governor and his counsellors look- 
ed at each other, raised their eyebrows, gave an 
extra puff or two of smoke, and then relapsed 
into their usual tranquillity. 

At length tidings came that the patroon of 

Rensellaerwick had extended his usurpations 

along the river, beyond the limits granted him 

by their High Mightinesses ; and that he had 

even seized upon a rocky island in the Hudson, 

commonly known by the name of Beam or Bear's 

Island, where he was erecting a fortress, to be 

called by the lordly name of Rensellaerstein. 
14 



210 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Wouter Van Twiller was roused by thi» intel- 
ligence. After consulting with his burgomasters, 
he dispatched a letter to the patroon of llensel- 
laerwick, demanding by what right he had seized 
upon this island, which lay beyond the bounds 
of his patroonship. The answer of Killian Van 
Rensellaer was in his own lordly style, '■'•By 
wapen recht I " — tliat is to sjiy, by the i ight of 
arms, or, in common parlance, by club-law This 
answer plmiged the worthy Wouter in jue of 
the deepest doubts he had in the whole course 
of his administration ; in the mean time, while 
Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to 
finish his fortress of Rensellaersteui, about which 
I foresee I shall have something to record in a 
fature chapter of this most eventful history. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 'HI 




CHAPTER VI. 

WHICH THE READER IS BEGUILED INTO A DELECTABLE WAIK, TfllCH 
ENDS VERY DIFFERENTLY FROM WHAT IT COMMENCED. 

N the year of our Lord one thousand 
eight hundred and four, on a fine after- 
noon in the glowhig month of Septem- 
ber, I took my customary walk upon the Battery, 
wliich is at once the pride and bulwark of this 
ancient and impregnable city of New York. 
The ground on which I trod was hallowed by 
recollections of the past ; and as I slowly wan- 
dered through the long alley of poplars, which, 
like so many bu'ch brooms standing on end, dif- 
fused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my 
imagination drew a contrast between the sur- 
rounding scenery and what it was in the classic 
days of our forefathers. Where the government 
house by name, but the custom-house by occupa- 
tion, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden 
pillars, there whilom stood the low, but substan- 
tial, red-tiled mansion of the reno^vned Wouter 
Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks 
of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every 
absent foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior 
and gallant mihtia captain, confined their martial 
deeds to frowns alone. The mud breastwork^ 



212 HIS TORY OF NEW YORK. 

had long been levelled with the earth, and their 
Bite converted ijito the green lawns and leafy 
alleys of the Battery ; where the gay apprentice 
sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious me- 
chanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the 
week, poured his weekly tale of love into the luilf 
averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The 
capacious bay still presented the same expansive 
sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled 
with fishing-boats, and bounded by shores of pic- 
turesque beauty. But the dark forests which 
once clothed those shores had been violated by 
the savage hand of cultivation, and their tangled 
mazes, and impenetrable thickets, had degener- 
ated into teeming orchards and waving fields of 
grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling 
garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the 
province, was now covered with fortifications, in- 
closing a tremendous block-house, — so that this 
once peaceful island resembled a fierce little war- 
rioa* in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder 
and defiance to the world ! 

For some time did I indulge in a pensive 
train of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, 
the present day with the hallowed years behind 
the mountains ; lamenting the melancholy prog- 
ress of improvement, and praising the zeal with 
which our worthy burghers endeavored to pre- 
Berve the wrecks of venerable customs, preju- 
dices, and errors from the overwhelming tide 
of modem innovation, — when, by degrees, my 
ideas took a different turn, and I insensibly awak- 
ened to an enjoyment of the beauties around me 



BISTORT OF NEW YORK 213 

It was one of those rich autumnal days which 
heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous 
island of Manna-hata and its vicinity, — not a 
floating cloud obscured the azure firmament, — 
the sun, rolling in glorious splendor through his 
ethereal course, seemed to expand his hor.est 
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression ni' 
benevolence, as he smiled his evening salutation 
upon a city which he delights to visit with his 
most bounteous beams, — the very winds seemed 
to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest 
they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour, — 
and the waveless bosom of tlie bay presented a 
polished mirror, in which nature beheld herself 
and smiled. Tiie standard of our city, reserved, 
like a choice handkerchief, for days of gala, hung 
motionless on the flag-staff, which forms the han- 
dle of a gigantic churn ; and even the tremulous 
leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to 
vibrate to the breath of heaven. Everytlmig 
seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of 
nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept 
in the embrazures of the wooden batteries, seem- 
ingly gathering fresh strength to fight the battles 
of their coiuitry on the next fourth of July ; the 
solitary dram on Governor's Island forgot to call 
the garrison to their shovels ; the evening gun 
had not yet sounded its signal for all the regular 
well-meaning poultry througliout the country to 
go to roost ; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor 
between Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slum- 
bered on their rakes, and sufi^ered the innocent 
oysters to lie for a while unmolested in the soft 



214 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

mud of their native banks ! My o^vii feelings sym- 
pathized with the contagious tranquillity, and I 
should infallibly have dozed upon one of tliose 
fragments of benches, which our benevolent mag- 
istrates have provided for the benefit of convales- 
cent loungers, had not the extraordinary inconven- 
ience of the couch set all repose at defiance. 

In the midst of tliis slumber of the soul, my 
attention was attracted to a black speck, peering 
above the western horizon, just m the rear of 
Bergen steeple : gradually it augments and over- 
hangs the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, 
and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are start- 
ing on the course of existence, and jostling each 
other at the commencement of the race. Now 
it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, 
spreading its Avide shadows from the high settle- 
ments of Weehawk quite to the lazaretto and 
quarantine erected by the sagacity of our police, 
for the embarrassment of commerce ; now it 
climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling 
over cloud, shrouding the orb of day, darkening 
the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and liail 
and tempest in its bosom. Tiie earth seems agi- 
tated at the confusion of the heavens ; the late 
waveless mirror is lashed into furious waves that 
roll in liollow murmurs to the shore ; the oyster- 
boats that erst sported in tlie placid vicinity of 
Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the land ; 
the poplar writhes and twists and whistles in the 
blast ; torrents of drenching rain and sounding 
liail deluge the Batteiy walks ; the gates are 
tiironged by apprentices, servant-maids, and little 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 215 

Frenchmen, with pocket-handkerchiefs over their 
hats, scampering from the storm ; the late beau- 
teous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and 
wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed 
his reioii, and was hurlino- back into one vast tur- 
moil the conflicting elements of nature. 

AYliether I fled from the fury of the storm, or 
remained boldly at my post, as our gallant tram- 
band captains who march their soldiers through 
the rain without flinching, are points wliich I 
leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is pos- 
sible he may be a little perplexed also to know 
the reason why X, introduced this tremendous 
tempest to disturb the serenity of my work. On 
this latter point I will gratuitously instruct his 
ignorance. The panorama view of the Battery 
was given merely to gratify the reader with a 
correct description of that celebrated place and 
the parts adjacent; secondly, the storm was 
played off, partly to give a little bustle and life 
to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my 
drowsy readers from falling asleep, and partly to 
serve as an overture to the tempestuous times 
which are about to assail the pacific province of 
Nieuw Nederlandts, and which overhang the 
slumbrous admmistration of the reno"vvned Wou- 
ter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced 
playwright puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, 
the kettle-drums, and trumpets of his orchestra in 
requisition, to usher in one of those horrible and 
brimstone uproars called Melodrames, — and it is 
thus he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his 
rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory to the rising of 



216 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

a ghost or the murdering of a hero. We wiU 
now proceed with our histoiy. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to 
the contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to na- 
tions, the old maxim, that " honesty is the best 
policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It 
might have answered well enough in tlie honest 
times when it was made ; but in these degenerate 
days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon 
the justice of its dealings, it will fare something 
like the honest man who fell among thieves, and 
found his honesty a poor protection against bad 
company. Such, at least, was the case with the 
guileless government of the New Netherlands ; 
which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, 
quietly settled itself down in the city of New 
Amsterdam, as into a snug elbow-chair, and fell 
into a comfortable nap, while, in tlie mean time, 
its cunning neighbors stepped in and picked its 
pockets. In a word, we may ascribe tlie com- 
mencement of all the woes of this great province, 
and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil 
security, or, to speak more accurately, to the 
unfortunate honesty of its government. But as 
I dislike to begm an important part of my history 
towards the end of a chapter, and as my readers, 
like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fa- 
tigued with the long walk we have taken, and 
the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we 
shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and, having thus 
refreshed our spu-its, take a fair start in a new 
cliapter. 



UISIORT OF NEW lUKA. 21 "I 




CHAPTER Vn. 

rAITHPULLT DESCRIBING THE INGENIOUS PEOPLE OP CONNECTICUT ANB 
TUEREABOUTS — SHOWING, MOREOVER, THE TRUE MEANING OF LIBERTT 
OP CONSCIENCE, AND A CURIOUS DEVICE AMONG THESE STURDY BAR- 
BARIANS TO KEEP UP A HARMONY OP INTERCOURSE, AND PROMOTE 
POPULATION. 

^HAT my readers may the more fully 
^ comprehend the extent of the calamity, 
at this very moment impending over 
the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Ned- 
erlandts, and its dubious governor, it is necessary 
that I should give some account of a horde of 
strange barbarians, bordering upon the eastern 
frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that, many years pre- 
vious to the time of which we are treating, the 
sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain 
national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or 
leather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal 
subject was directed to travel to Zion, — taking 
care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way. 

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being 
very much given to indulge their own opinions 
on all manner of subjects, (a propensity exceiid- 
Ingly offensive to your free governments of Eu- 
rope,) did most presumptuously dare to think for 
themselves in matters of reli";ion, exercisinji; what 
they considered a natural and unextinguishable 
right — the liberty of conscience. 



218 mSTORY OF NEW lOMK. 

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous 
habit of mind which always thuiks aloud, which 
rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is forever 
galloping into other people's ears, it naturally 
followed that their liberty of conscience likewise 
impHed liberty of speech, which being freely 
indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, and 
aroused the pious mdignation of the vigilant 
fathers of the church. 

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim 
them, which m those days were considered effica- 
cious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; 
that is to say, they were coaxed, they were 
admonished, they were menaced, they were buf- 
feted, — line upon line, precept upon precept, lash 
upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, 
were exhorted without mercy and without suc- 
cess, — until the worthy pastors of the church, 
wearied out by their unparalleled stubbormiess, 
were driven, in the excess of their tender mercy, 
to adopt the Scripture text, and literally to " heap 
live embers on their heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that indepen- 
dence of the tongue which has ever distinguislied 
this singular race, so that, rather than subject 
that heroic member to furtlier tyranny, they one 
ai^ all embarked for the wilderness of Americti, 
to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable right of 
talking. And,- in fact, no sooner did they land 
upon the shore of this free-spoken country, than 
they all lifted up their voices, and made such a 
clamor of tongues, thjit we are told they fright- 
ened every bird and beast out of the noighbor* 



niSTORT OF NEW YORK. 219 

tiood, and struck such mute terror into ceitain 
fish, that they have been called dumh-Jish evei* 
since. 

This may appear mai'vellous, but it is never- 
theless true ; in proof of which I would observe, 
that the dumb-fish has ever since become an 
object of superstitious reverence, and forms the 
Saturday's dinner of every true Yankee. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while 
contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish- 
ment ; but discovering that they wielded harm- 
less though noisy weapons, and were a lively, 
ingenious, good-humored race of men, they be- 
came very friendly and sociable, and gave them 
the name of Yanokies, which m the Mais-Tchu- 
saeg (or Massachusett) language signifies silent 
men^ — a waggish appellation, since shortened into 
the famdiar epithet of Yankees, which they 
retaui unto the present day. 

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will 
not allow me to pass over tlie fact, that, having 
served a regular apprenticeship in the school of 
persecution, these ingenious people soon showed 
that they had become masters of the art. The 
great majority were of one particular mode of 
thinking in matters of religion ; but, to their 
great surprise and indignation, they found that 
divers papists, quakers, and anabaptists ^vere 
sprmging up among them, and all claiming to use 
tlie liberty of speech. This was at once pronounced 
a daring abuse of the liberty of conscience, which 
they now insisted was nothing more than the 
liberty to think as one pleased in matters of 



220 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

religion — provided one tlioiight right ; for other- 
wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable 
heresies. Now as they, the majority, were con- 
vinced that they alone thought right, it conse- 
quently followed, that wlioever thought different 
from them thought wrong, — and whoever thought 
wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being 
convinced and converted, Avas a flagrant violator 
of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a 
corrupt and infectious member of the body poli- 
tic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast into 
the fire. The consequence of all which was a 
fiery persecution of divers sects, and especially 
of quakers. 

Now I '11 warrant there are hosts of my read- 
ers, ready at once to lift up theii* hands and eyes, 
with that virtuous indignation with wliich we 
contemplate the faults and errors of our neigh- 
bors, and to exclaim at the pre[)OSterous idea of 
convincing the mind by tormenting tlie body, 
and establishing the doctrine of charity and for- 
bearance by intolerant persecution. But in sim- 
ple truth, what are we doing at this veiy day, 
and in this very enlightened nation, but acting 
upon the very same principle in our political con- 
troversies ? Have w^e not within but a few years 
released ourselves from the shacl^les of a govern- 
ment wliich cruelly denied us the privilege of 
governing ourselves, and using in full latitude 
that hivaluable member, tlie tongue ? and are we 
not at this very moment striving our best to 
tyrannize over the opinions, tie up the tongues, 
and ruin the fortunes of one another ? Wliat 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 221 

axe our great political societies, but mere political 
inquisitions, — our pot-house committees, but lit- 
tle tribunals of denunciation, — our newspapers, 
but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where 
unfortunate individuals are pelted mth rotten 
eggs, — and our council of appointment, but a 
grand auto da fe, where culprits are amiually 
sacrificed for their poUtical heresies ? 

Where, then, is the difference in principle 
between our measures and those you are so 
ready to condemn among the people I am treat- 
ing of? There is none ; the difference is merely 
circumstantial. Thus we denounce, instead of 
banisliing, — we libel, instead of scourging, — we 
^um out of office, instead of hanging, — and 
where they burnt an offender in proper person, 
we either tar and feather, or hum him in effigy, 

— this political persecution being, somehow or 
other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and 
an incontrovertible proof that this is a free 
country ! 

But notwitlistanding the fervent zeal with 
which this holy war was prosecuted agamst the 
whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that 
the population of this new colony was m any 
wise hindered thereby ; on the contrary, they 
multiplied to a degree which would be incredible 
to any man unacquainted mth the marvellous 
fecundity of this growing country. 

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly 
ascribed to a smgular custom prevalent among 
them, commonly known by the name of hundling^ 

— a superstitious rite observed by the young 



222 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

people of both sexes, with which they usually 
terminated their festivities, and which was kept 
up with religious strictness by the more bigoted 
part of the community. This ceremony was 
likewise, in those primitive times, considered as 
an indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their 
courtships commencing where ours usually finish, 
— by which means they acquired that intimate 
acquaintance mth each other's good qualities 
before marriage, which has been pronounced by 
philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. 
Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people 
display a slii'ewdness of making a bargain, which 
has ever since distinguished them, — and a strict 
adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about 
" buying a pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I cliiefly 
attribute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie 
or Yankee race ; for it is a certain fact, well 
authenticated by court records and parish regis- 
ters, that, wherever the practice of bundling pre- 
vailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy 
brats annually born unto the State, without the 
license of the law, or the benefit of clergy. Nei- 
ther did the irregularity of their birth operate in 
the least to then' disparagement. On the contrary, 
they grew up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race 
of whoreson whalers, wood - cutters, fishermen, 
and peddlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches,— 
who by their united efforts tended marvellously 
towards peopling those notable tracts of country 
called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 223 




CHAPTER Vni. 

HOW THESE SINGULAR BARBARIANS TURNED OUT TO BE NOTORIOBi 
SQUATTERS — HOW THEY BUILT AIR-CASTLES, AND ATTEMPTED TO 
INITIATE THE NEDERLANDERS INTO THB MYSTERY OP BUNDLING. 

N the last chapter I have given a faith- 
ful and unprejudiced account of the 
origin of that singular race of people 
inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw 
Nederlandts ; but I have yet to mention certain 
peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly 
annoying to our ever-honored Dutch ancestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain 
rambling propensity, with which, like the sons 
of Ishmael, they seem to have been gift.ed by 
heaven, and which continually goads them on to 
shift their residence from place to place, so that 
a Yankee farmer is m a constant state of migra- 
tion, tarrying occasionally here and there, clear- 
ing lands for other people to enjoy, building 
houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner 
may be considered the wandering Ai'ab of Amer- 
ica. 

His first thought, on coming to years of man 
hood, is to settle himself m the world, — which 
means nothino; more nor less than to besjin liis 
rambles. To this end he takes unto himself 
for a wife some buxom country heiress, passing 



224 ai STORY OF NEW YORK. 

rich in red ribbons, glass beads, and mock tor- 
toise-shell combs, mth a white gown and morocco 
shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mys- 
tery of makmg apple-sweetmeats, long sauce, and 
pumpkin-pie. 

Having thus provided liimself, hke a peddler 
with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale liis 
shoulders through the journey of life, he literally 
sets out on the peregrination. His whole fam- 
ily, household-furniture, and farming-utensils are 
hoisted into a covered cart, his o^vn and his wife's 
wardrobe packed up in a firkin, — which done, 
he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles 
" Yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, 
as confident of the protection of Providence, and 
relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, 
as ever did a patriarch of yore when he jour- 
neyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. 
Having buried himself in the wilderness, he 
builds himself a log hut, clears away a cornfield 
and potato-patch, and. Providence smiling upon 
his labors, is soon surrounded by a snug farm 
and some half a score of Mixen-headed urchins, 
^^dlo, by their size, seem to have spriuig all at 
Qjice out of the earth, Hke a crop of toadstools. 

But it is not the nature of this most indefati- 
gable of speculators to rest contented with any 
state of sublunary enjoyment : improvement is 
his darling passion ; and having thus improved 
his lands, the next care is to provide a mansion 
worthy the residence of a landholder. A liuge 
palace of pine boards immediately springs up 
in the midst of the wilderness, large enough for 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 225 

a parish church, and furnished with windows ol 
all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal, 
that every blast gives it a fit of the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air- 
castle is completed, either the funds or the zeal 
of our adventurer is exhausted, so that he barely 
manages to furnish one room within, where the 
whole family burrow t-ogether, — while the rest 
of the house is devoted to the curing of pump- 
kins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is 
decorated with fanciful festoons of dried apples 
and peaches. The outside, remaining unpainted, 
grows venerably black with time ; the family 
wardrobe is laid under contribution for old hats, 
petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken 
windows, while the four winds of heaven keep 
up a whistling and howling about this aerial pal- 
ace, and play as many unruly gambols as they 
did of yore in the cave of old ^olus. 

The humble log hut, which whilom nestled 
this improving family snugly within its narrow 
but comfortable walls, stands hard by, in igno- 
minious contrast, degraded into a cow-house or 
pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds one forci 
bly of a fable, which I am surprised has never 
been recorded, of an aspunng snail, who aban- 
doned his humble habitation, which he had long 
filled with great respectability, to crawl into the 
empty shell of a lobster, — where he would no 
doubt have resided with great style and splen- 
dor, the envy and the hate of all the pamstaking 
snails in the neighborhood, had he not perished 

with cold in one corner of his stupendous mansion. 
15 



226 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Being thus completely settled, and, to use hia 
own words, " to rights," one would imagine that 
he would begm to enjoy the comforts of his sit- 
uation, — to read newspapers, talk politics, neg- 
lect his own business, and attend to the affairs 
of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen ; 
but now it is that his wayward disposition begins 
again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot 
where there is no longer any room for improve- 
ment, — sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat win- 
dows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, 
puts himself at the head of his family, and 
wanders away in search of new lands, — again 
to fell trees, — again to clear cornfields, — again 
to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off 
and wander. Such were the people of Connect- 
icut, who bordered upon the eastern frontier of 
New Netherlands ; and my readers may easily 
imagine what uncomfortable neighbors this light- 
hearted but restless tribe must have been to our 
tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would 
ask them if they have ever known one of our 
regular, well-organized Dutch families, whom it 
bath pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbor- 
hood of a Frencli boarding-house ? The honest 
old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe on 
I lie bench before his door, but he is persecuted 
with the scraping of fiddles, the chatteruio; of 
women, and the squalling of children ; he rannot 
sleep at niglit for the horrible melodies oi some 
amateur, who chooses to serenade the moon, and 
display his tei'rible proficiency in execuihjH. on 
tlie clarionet, hautboy, or some other sot'l-tontJii 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 227 

mstriiiiient ; nor can he leave the street-door 
open, but his house is defiled by the unsavory 
visits of a troop of pup-dogs, who even some- 
times carry their loathsome ravages into the 
sanctum sanctorum, the parlor ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the suffer-' 
iugs of such a family, so situated, they may form 
3ome idea how our worthy ancestors were dis- 
tressed by their mercurial neighbors of Connecti- 
cut. 

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, pene- 
trated into the New Netherland settlements, and 
threw whole villages into consternation by their 
unparalleled volubility and their intolerable in- 
quisitivencss, — two evil habits hitherto unknown 
in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; 
for our ancestors were noted as being men of 
truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither kncAV 
nor cared aught about anybody's concerns but 
their own. Many enormities were committed on 
the highways, where several imoffending bur- 
ghers were brought to a stand, and tortured with 
questions and guesses, — which outrages occa- 
sioned as much vexation and heart-burning as 
does the modern rio-ht of search on the hi<2;h seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by 
tlieir intermeddlinc: and successes amonjij tlie 
divine sex ; lor, being a race of brisk, likely, 
plcasant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the 
light affections of the simple damsels from their 
ponderous Dutcii ij-allants. Amonof other hideous 
L'ustoms, they attempted to introiUice among them 
that of baiidUiig, which the Dutcli lasses of the 
Xederlandts, with that eager j)as;;ioii for novelty 



228 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

arid foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed 
very well inclmed to follow, but that their moth- 
ers, being more experienced in the world, and 
better acquainted with men and things, strenu- 
ously discountenanced all such outlandish imio- 
vations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our an- 
cestors with these strange folk, was an unwar- 
rantable liberty which they occasionally took of 
entering in hordes into the territories of the New 
Netherlands, and settling tliemselves down, with- 
out leave or license, to improve the land, in the 
manner I have before noticed. This unceremo- 
nious mode of taking possession of neiu land was 
teciniically termed squatting^ and hence is derived 
tlie appeUation of squatters^ — a name odious in 
the ears of all great landholders, and which is 
given to those enterprising worthies who seize 
upon land first, and take their chance to make 
good their title to it afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which 
were constantly accumulating, tended to form 
tliat dark and portentous cloud, which, as I ob- 
served in a former chapter, was slowly gathering 
over the ti-anquil province of New Netlierlands. 
The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as 
will be perceived in tlie sequel, bore them all 
vith a magnjinimity tliat redounds to their immor- 
al credit, becoming by passive endurance inured 
lO this hici'easino; mass '>f wron<2:s, — like that 
mighty man of old, vyho, by dint of carrying 
about a calf from Oie time it was born, continued 
to cairy it without dilliculty when it had grown 
'o be aii ox. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 229 




CHAPTER IX. 

HOW THE PORT GOED HOOP WAS FEARFULLY BELEAGUERED — HOW SHI 
RENOWNED WOUTER FELL INTO A PROFOUND DOUBT, AND HOW HE 
FINALLY EVAPORATED. 

Y this time my readers must fully per- 
ceive what an arduous task I have 
undertaken, — exploring a little kind of 
Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly 
for ages buried imder the rubbish of years, and 
almost totally forgotten, — raking up the limbs 
and fragments of disjointed facts, and endeav- 
oring to put them scrupulously together, so as to 
restore them to their original form and coimec- 
tion, — how lugging forth the character of an 
almost forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue, 
now deciphering a half-defaced inscription, and 
now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, 
which, after painful study, scarce repays the 
trouble of perusal. 

In such case, how much has the reader to 
depend upon the honor and probity of his author, 
lest, like a cunning antiquarian, he either impose 
upon him some spurious fabrication of his own 
for a precious relic of antiquity, or else dress up 
the dismembered fragment with such false trap' 
pings, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish 
the truth from the fiction with which it is envel- 
oped. This is a grievance which I have more 



230 HISTORx OF NEW YORK. 

than once had to lament, in the course of my 
wearisome researches among the works of my 
fellow-historians, who have strangely disguised 
and distorted the facts respecting this comitry ; 
and particularly respecting the great province of 
New Netherlands ; as will be perceived by any 
who will take the trouble to compare their ro- 
mantic effusions, tricked out in the meretricioiiS 
gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 

I have had more vexations of the kind to en- 
counter, ui those parts of my history which treat 
of the transactions on the eastern border, than in 
any other, in consequence of the troops of histo- 
rians who have infested these quarters, and have 
shown the honest people of Nieuw Nederlandts 
no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. 
Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that 
" the Dutch were always mere intruders." Now, 
to this I shall make no other reply than to pro- 
ceed in the steady narration of my history, which 
will contain not only proofs that the Dutch had 
clear title and possession in the fiir valleys of 
the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully 
dispossessed thereof, but likewise, that they have 
been scandalously maltreated ever since by the 
misrepresentations of the crafty historians of 
New England. And in this I shall be guided 
by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a regard 
to immortal fame ; for I would not wittingly dis- 
honor my work by a single falsehood, misrepre- 
gentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our 
forefathers the whole country of New England. 

I have already noticed, in a former chapter of 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 231 

my history, that the territories of the Nieuw 
Nederlaiidts extended on the east, quite to the 
Var«che or fresh, or Connecticut river. Here, 
at an early period, liad been established a frontier 
post on the bank of the river, and called Fort 
Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present 
fair city of Hartford. It was placed under the 
command of Jacobus Van Curlet, or Curbs, as 
some historians will have it, — a doughty soldier, 
of that stomachful class famous for eating all they 
kill. He was long in the body and short in the 
limb, as though a tall man's body had been mount- 
ed on a little man's legs. He made up for this 
turnspit construction by striding to such an ex 
tent, that you would have sworn he had on the 
seven-leagued boots of Jack the Giant-killer; and 
so high did he tread on parade, that his soldiers 
were sometimes alarmed lest he should trample 
himself under foot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort 
and the appointment of this ugly little man of 
war as commander, the Yankees continued the 
interlopings hinted at in my last chapter, and at 
length had the audacity to squat themselves down 
witlun the jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop. 

The long-bodied Van Curlet protested Avith 
great spirit against these unwarrantable encroach- 
ments, couching his protest in Low Dutch, by 
way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith dis- 
patched a copy of the protest to the governor at 
New Amsterdam, together mth a long and bitter 
Recount of the aggressions of the enemy. Thia 
done, he ordered his men, one and all, to be of 



232 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

good cheer, shut the gate of the fort, smoked three 
pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result with a 
resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani- 
mated his adherents, and no doubt struck sore 
dismay and affright into the liearts of the enemy. 
Now it came to pass, that about this time the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and 
honors, and council - dinners, . had reached that 
period of life and faculty which, according to the 
great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission into 
the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He em- 
ployed his tune in smoking his Turkish pipe, 
amid an assemblage of sages, equally enlightened 
and nearly as venerable as himself, and who, 
for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, 
and their cautious averseness to coming to any 
conclusion in business, are only to be equalled 
by certain profound corporations which I have 
knoAvn hi my time. Upon reading the protest 
of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, 
his excellency fell straightway into one of the 
deepest doubts that ever he was known to en- 
counter ; his capacious head gradually drooped 
on his chest, he closed his eyes, and inclined his 
ear to one side, as if listening with great atten- 
tion to the discussion that was going on in his 
belly, — and which all who Iviiew him declared 
to be the huge court-house or council-chamber of 
his thoughts, forming to his head what the house 
of representatives does to the Senate. An inar- 
ticulate sound, veiy much resembling a snore, oc- 
casionally escaped him ; but the nature of this 
internal cogitation was never known, as he never 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 233 

opened his lips on the subject to man, woman, or 
child. In the mean time, the protest of Van 
Cm'let lay quietly on the table, where it served 
to light the pipes of the venerable sages assem- 
bled in council ; and in the great smoke which 
they raised, the gallant Jacobus, liis protest, and 
his mighty Fort Goed Hoop were soon as com- 
pletely beclouded and forgotten as is a question 
of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and 
resolutions of a modern session of Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your pro- 
found legislators and sage deliberative councils 
are mightily in the way of a nation, and when 
an ounce of hare-brained decision is worth a 
pound of sage doubt and cautious discussion. 
Such, at least, was the case at present ; for, while 
the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily 
battling with his doubts, and his resolution grow- 
ing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy 
pushed farther and farther into his territories, and 
assumed a most formidable appearance in the 
neighborhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they 
founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it has 
since been called, Weathersjield, a place which, if 
we may credit the assertions of that worthy his- 
torian, John Josselyn, Gent., "hath been infa- 
mous by reason of the witches therein." And so 
daring did these men of Pyquag become, thlit 
they extended those plantations of onions, for 
which their town is illustrious, under the very 
noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop, inso- 
much that the honest Dutchmen could not look 
toward that quarter without tears in their eyeg 



234 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper 
indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet 
He absolutely trembled ^vith the violence of his 
choler and the exacerbations of his valor, wliich 
were the more turbulent in their workings from 
the length of the body in which they were agi- 
tated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his 
redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen his 
fosse, and fortify his position vnih. a double row 
of abatis ; after which he dispatched a fresh 
courier with accounts of his perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear the dispatches was 
a fat, oily, little man, as being less liable to be 
worn out, or to lose leather on the journey ; and 
to insure his speed, he was mounted on the fleet- 
est wagon-horse in the garrison, remarkable for 
length of limb, largeness of bone, and hardness 
of trot, and so tall, that the little messenger was 
obHged to climb on his back by means of his tail 
and crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he 
make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a 
little less than a month, though the distance was 
full two hundred pipes, or about one hundred and 
twenty miles. 

With an appearance of great hurry and busi- 
ness, and smoking a short travelling-pipe, he pro- 
ceeded on a long swing-trot through the muddy 
lalies of the metropolis, demolishing whole batches 
of dirt-pies, which the little Dutcli children were 
making in the road ; and for whicli kind of pastry 
the cliildren of this city have ever been famous. 
On ai-riving at the governor's house, he climbed 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 235 

dowii from his steed, roused the gray-headed door- 
keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descend- 
ant and faithful representative, the venerable 
crier of our court, was nodding at his post, rat- 
tled at the door of the council-chamber, and 
startled the members as they were dozing over a 
plan for establishing a public market. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather 
a deep-drawn snore, was heard from the chair of 
the governor; a Avhiff of smoke was at the same 
instant observed to escape from his lips, and a 
light cloud to ascend from the bowl of his pipe. 
The council, of course, supposed him engaged in 
deep sleep for the good of the commimity, and, 
according to custom in all such cases established, 
every man bawled out silence, when, of a sudden, 
the door flew open, and the little courier strad- 
dled into the apartment, cased to the middle in a 
pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for 
the sake of expedition. In his right hand he 
held forth the ominous dispatches, and with his 
left he grasped firmly the waistband of his galli- 
gaskins, which had unfortunately given way in 
the exertion of descending from his horse. He 
stumped resolutely up to the governor, and with 
more hurry than perspicuity delivered his mes- 
sage. But fortunately his ill tidings came too 
late to rufile the tranquillity of this most tranquil 
of rulers. His venerable excellency had just 
breathed and smoked his last, — his lungs and 
his pipe having been exhausted together, and his 
peaceful soul having escaped in the last wliiff 



236 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

that curled from his tobacco-pipe. In a word, 
the renowned Walter the Doubter, who had so 
often slumbered with his contemporaries, now 
slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft gov- 
emol in his stead. 




BOOK IV. 

OOrtTArNING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM 
THE TESTY. 



CHAPTER I. 



SnOWI>^ THE NATURE OF HISTORY IN GENERAL ; CONTAINING FARfHEB- 
MORE >'iE UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND 
now A MAN MAY LEARN SO MUCH AS TO RENDER HIMSELF GOOD FOB 
NOTHING. 

"\TC^^i^HEN the lofty Thiicydides is about to 
^\mv^ enter upon his description of the plague 
^ mM^ that desolated Athens, one of his modern 
commentators assui-es the reader, that the history 
is now going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and 
pathetic, and liints, with that air of chuckling 
gratulation with which a good dame draws forth 
a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale a 
favorite, that this plague will give his history n 
most agreeable variety. 

In like manner did my heart leap within me, 
when I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort 
Goed Hoop, which I at once perceived to be the 



238 HISTORY Of NEW YORK. 

foreriuiuer of a series of gi'cat events and enter- 
taining disasters. Such are the true subjects for 
the historic pen. For what is history, in fact, 
but a kind of Newgate calendar, a register of 
the crimes and miseries that man has inHicted on 
liis fellow-man ? It is a huge libel on l^iunau 
nature, to which we industriously add page after 
page, volume after volume, as if we were build- 
ing up a monument to the honor, rather than the 
infamy of our species. If we turn over the 
pages of these chronicles that man has written 
of himself, what are the characters dignified by 
the appellation of great, and held up to the 
admiration of posterity? Tyrants, robbers, con- 
querors, renowned only for the magnitude of 
their misdeeds, and the stupendous wrongs and 
miseries they have inflicted on mankind, — war- 
riors, who have hired themselves to the trade of 
blood, not from motives of virtuous patriotism, or 
to protect the injured and defenceless, but merely 
to gain the vaunted glory of being adroit and 
successful in massacring their fellow - beings ! 
AVhat are the great events that constitute a glo- 
rious era ? — The fall of empires ; the desolation 
of happy countries ; splendid cities smoking in 
their ruins ; the proudest works of art tumbled 
in the dust ; the shrieks and groans of whole 
nations ascending unto heaven ! 

It is thus the historian may be said to thrive 
on the miseries of mankind, like birds of prey 
which hover over the field of battle to fatten on 
the mighty dead. It was observed by a great 
projector of iidand lock -navigation, that rivers. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 239 

lakes, and oceans were only formed to feed canals. 
Li like manner I am tempted to believe that 
plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, and mnssacres 
are ordained by Providence only as food for the 
historian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philos- 
opher, in studying the wonderful economy of na- 
ture, to trace the imitual dependencies of tilings, 
how they are created reciprocally for each other, 
and how the most noxious and apparently unne- 
cessary animal has its uses. Thus those swarms 
of flies, which are so often execrated as useless 
vermin, are created for the sustenance of spiders ; 
and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently 
made to devour flies. So those heroes, who have 
been such scourges to the world, were bounte- 
ously provided as themes for the poet and histo- 
rian, while the poet and the historian were des- 
tmed to record the achievements of heroes ! 

These, and many similar reflections, naturally 
arose in my mind as I took up my pen to com- 
mence the reign of William Kieft : for now the 
stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled 
in a tranquil current, is about to depart forever 
from its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many 
I turbulent and rusfsced scene. 

As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of 
a clover-field, dozing and chewing the cud, will 
bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so the 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat 
under the drowsy reign of the Doubter, needed 
euflTs and kicks to rouse it into action. The 
reuder will now ^ritness the manner in which a 



240 niSlORY OF NEW YORK. 

peaceful community advances towards a state of 
war ; which is apt to be like the approach of a 
horse to a drum, with much prancing and little 
progress, and too often witli the wrong end 
foremost. 

Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the 
gubernatorial chair, (to borrow a favorite though 
clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists,) 
was of a lofty descent, his father being inspector 
of wind-mills in the ancient town of Saardam ; 
and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made 
very curious investigations into the nature and 
operation of these machines, which was one rea- 
son why he after^vards came to be so ingenious a 
governor. His name, according to the most au- 
thentic etymologists, was a corruption of Kyver, 
that is to say, a wrangler or scolder^ and expressed 
the characteristic of his family, Avliich, for nearly 
two centuries, had kept the windy town of Saar- 
dam in hot water, and produced more tartars and 
brimstones than any ten families in the i)lace ; 
and so truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, 
that he had not been a year in the government 
of the province, before he was universally de- 
nominated William the Testy. His appearance, 
answered to his name. He Avas a brisk, wiry, 
waspish little old gentleman ; such a one as may 
now and then be seen gtumping about our city in 
a broad-skirted coat with huge buttons, a cocked 
hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as 
high as his chin. His face was broad, but liis 
features were sharp ; his cheeks were scorched 
into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes ; 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 241 

his nose tui'ned up, and the corners of his mouth 
turned down, pretty much like the muzzle of an 
irritable pug-dog. 

I have heard it observed by a profound adept 
in human physiology, that if a woman waxes fat 
with the progress of years, her tenure of life is 
somewhat precarious, but if haply she withers 
as she grows old, she lives forever. Such prom- 
ised to be the case with William the Testy, who 
grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had 
withered, m fact, not through the process of 
years, but through the tropical fervor of his soul, 
which burnt like a vehement rush-light in his 
bosom, inciting him to incessant broils and bick- 
erings. Ancient traditions speak much of his 
learning, and of the gallant iin*oads he had made 
into the dead languages, in which he had made 
captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, 
and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and 
apothegms, which he was wont to parade in his 
public harangues, as a triumphant general of 
yore his spolia opima. Of metaphysics he knew 
enough to confound all hearers and himself into 
the bargain. In logic, he knew the whole familj 
of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of 
his skill that he never suffered even a self-evident 
fact to pass unargued. It was observed, how- 
<;ver, that he seldom got into an argument with- 
out getting into a perplexity, and then into a 
passion with his adversary for not being con- 
vinced gratis. 

He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the 

frontiers of several of the sciences, was fond of 
16 



242 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

experimental philosophy, mid prided himself upon 
inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he 
liad lixed at a Bowerie or country-seat at a 
short distaaice from the city, just at what is now 
irJled Dutch Sti*eet, soon abounded with proofs 
iif his ingenuity : patent smoke-jacks that re- 
quired a horse to work them : Dutch ovens that 
roasted meat witliout fire : carts tliat went before 
tlie hoi^ses ; weather-cocks that turned against 
the wind ; and other wrong-headed contrivances 
that astonished and confounded all beholders. 
The house, too, wtis beset with pju'alytic eats and 
dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy; 
and the yelling luid yelphig o)i the latter unhappy 
victims of science, while aiding in the pui*suit of 
knowledge, soon gained for the place the name 
of " Dog's Misery," by which it continues to be 
kno^^^l even at the present day. 

It is in knowledge as in swimming : he who 
tloundei's and splashes on the surface makes more 
noise, and attracts more attention, than the pearl- 
diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to 
the bottom. The vast acquirements of the new 
governor were tlie theme of marvel amonar the 
simple burghers of New Amsteixlam ; he tigured 
about the place as learned a man as a Bonze at 
Pekin, who has mastered one half of the Chinese 
alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a 
'' univei*sal genius ! " 

I have known in my time many a genius of 
this stamp ; but, to speak my mind freely, I 
never knew one who, for the ordinary purposes 
of life, was worth his weight in straw. In this 



BISTORY OF NEW YORK. 245 

respect, u little sound judgment and jllam com- 
mon sense is worth all the sparkling genius that 
ever wrote poetry or invented theories. Let us 
Bee how the universal acquirements of William 
the Testy aided him in the affairs of govern* 
II lent 



244 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER n. 



BOW WILLIAM THE TESTT UNDERTOOK TO CONQUER BY PROCLAMATIOW 
— now HE WAS A GREAT MAN ABROAD, BUT A LITTLE MAN IN HIS 
OWN HOUSE. 



s. 




O sooner had this bustling little potentate 
been blo"\vn by a whifF of fortune into 
S the seat of government than he called 
his council together to make them a speech on 
the state of affairs. 

Caius Gracchus, it is said, when he harangued 
the Roman populace, modulated his tone by an 
oratorical flute or pitch-pipe ; Wilhelmus Kieft, 
not having such an instrument at hand, availed 
himself of that musical organ or trump which 
nature has implanted in the midst of a man's 
face : in other words, he preluded his address by 
a sonorous blast of the nose, — a prehminary 
flourish much in vogue among public orators. 

He then commenced by expressing his humble 
sense of his utter unworthmess of the high post 
to which he had been appomted ; which made 
some of the simple burghers wonder why he. un- 
dertook it, not knowmg that it is a point of eti- 
quette with a public orator never to enter upon 
office without declaring himself unworthy to cross 
the* threshold. He then proceeded in a manner 
highly classic and erudite to speak of govenunent 



niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 245 

generally, and of the govemTnents of ancient 
Greece in particular, together with the wars of 
Rome and Carthage, and the rise and fall of sun- 
dry outlandish empires which the worthy burgh- 
ers Piad never read nor heard of. Having thus, 
after the manner of your learned orator, tieate^l 
of things in general, he came, by a natural, round- 
about transition, to the matter in hand, namely, 
the daring aggressions of th(; Yankees. 

As my readers are well aware of the advan- 
tage a potentate has of handling his enemies as 
he pleases in his speeches and bulletirLS, where 
he has the talk all on his own side, they may 
rest assured that AVilliam the Testy did not let 
such an opportunity esctipe of giving the Yan- 
kees what is called " a taste of his quality." In 
speaking of their inrojuLs into the territories of 
their High MightinessciS, he compared them to 
the GauLs who desolated Ilome, tlie Goths and 
Vandals who overran the fairest plains of P2u- 
rope ; but when he came to speak of the unpar- 
alleled audacity with which they of Weathers- 
field had advanced their patches up to the very 
walls of Fort Goed Hoop, and threatened to 
smother the garrison in onioris, tears of rage 
started into his eyes, as though he nosed the very 
offence in question. 

Having thus wrought up his tfde to a' climax, 
lie assumed a most belligerent look, and assured 
the council that he had devised an iastrument, 
DOtent in its effects,* and which he trusted would 
Boon drive the Yankees from the land. So say- 
ing, he tlirust his hand into one of the deep pock- 
ets of his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, nut 



246 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

an infernal machine, but an instrument in writ 
ing, which he laid with great emphasis upon the 
table. 

The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent 
awe, as a wary housewife does at a gun, fem-ful 
it may go off half-cocked. The document in 
question had a sinister look, it is tiTie ^ it was 
crabbed in text, and from a broad red ribbon 
dangled the great seal of the province, about the 
size of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it 
was but an instrument in ^vriting. Herein, how- 
ever, existed the wonder of the invention. Tlie 
document in question was a Proclamation, 
ordering the Yankees to depart instantly from 
the territories of their High Mightinesses, under 
pain of suffering all the forfeitures and punish- 
ments in such case made and provided. It was 
on the moral effect of this formidable instrument 
that Wilhelmus Kieft calculated, pledging his 
valor as a governor that, once fulminated against 
the Yankees, it would, in less than two months, 
drive every mother's son of them across the bor- 
ders. 

The council broke up in perfect wonder ; and 
nothing was talked of for some time among the 
old men and women of New Amsterdam but the 
vast genius of the governor, and his new and 
cheap nlode of fighting by proclamation. 

As to Wilhelmus Kieft, having dispatched his 
proclamation to tlie frontiers, he put on liis cocked 
hat and corduroy small-clothes, and mounting a 
tall raw-boned charger, trotted out to liis rural 
retreat of Dog's Misei*y. Here, like the good 
Numa, he reposed fi-om the toils of state, taking 



HISTORY. OF NEW YORK. 247 

lessons iii government, not from the njmph Ege- 
lia, but from the honored wife of his bosom ; 
who was one of that class of females sent upon 
the earth a little after the flood, as a punishment 
for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by 
the appellation of knowing women. In fact, my 
duty as an historian obliges me to make known a 
circumstance which was a great secret at the 
time, and consequently was not a subject of scan- 
dal at more than half the tea-tables in New Am- 
sterdam, but which, like many other great secrets, 
has leaked out in the lapse of years, — and this 
was, that Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of 
the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet 
submitted at home to a species of government, 
neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato, in short, 
it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyr- 
anny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat gov- 
ernment ; — an absolute sway, which, although 
exceedingly common in these modern days, was 
very rare among the ancients, if we may judge 
from the rout made about the domestic economy 
of honest Socrates ; which is the only ancient 
case on record. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the 
6neers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who 
are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points 
of the kind, by alleging that it was a government 
«)f his own election, to which he submitted through 
choice, adding at the same time a profound maxim 
which he had found in an ancient author, that 
" he who would aspire to govern^ should first 
learn to oheyr 



248 HISTORY OF N.EW YORK. 



CHAPTER m. 




IN WHICH ARE RECORDED THE SAGE PROJECTS OP A RULER OP UNIVEa* 
SAL GENIUS — THE ART OF FIGHTING BY PROCLAMATION — AND HO^ 
THAT THE VALIANT JACOBUS VAN OURLET CAME TO BE FOULLY DIS- 
HONORED AT FORT GOED HOOP. 



I EVER was a more comprehensive, a 
more expeditious, or, what is still better, 
a more economical measure devised, 
than this of defeating the Yankees by procla- 
mation, — an expedient, likewise, so gentle and 
humane, there were ten chances to one in favor 
of its succeeding ; but then there was one chance 
to ten that it would not succeed, — as the ill- 
natured fates would have it, that single chance 
carried the day ! The proclamation was perfect 
in all its parts, well constructed, well written, 
well sealed, and well published ; all that was 
wanting to insure its effect was, that the Yan- 
kees should stand in awe of it ; but, provoking 
to relate, they treated it with the most absolute 
contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose ; 
and thus did the first warlike proclamation come 
to a shameful end, — a fate which I am credibly 
biformed has befallen but too many of its suc- 
cessors. 

So far from abandoning the country, those 
Varlets continued their encroachments, squatting 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 249 

along the green banks of the Varsche river, and 
founding Hartford, Stamford, New Haven, and 
other border-towns. I have already shown how 
the onion patches of Pyquag were an eye-sore to 
Jacobus Van Curlet and his garrison ; but now 
these moss-troopers increased in their atrocities, 
kidnapping hogs, impounding horses, and some- 
times grievously rib-roasting their owners. Our 
worthy forefathers could scarcely stir abroad 
without danger of being out-jockeyed in horse- 
flesh, or taken in in bargaining ; while, m their 
absence, some daring Yankee peddler would pen- 
etrate to their household, and nearly ruin the 
good housewives with tin ware and wooden 
bowls. ^ 

I am well aware of the perils which environ 
me in this part of my history. Wliile raking 
with curious hand but pious heart, among the 

1 The following cases in point appear in Hazard's Collection 
of State Papers. 

" In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely usurped 
and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unright- 
eously and against the lawes of nations but have hindered 
our nation in sowing theire own purchased broken up lands, 
but have also sowed them with corne in the night, which the 
Nederlanders had broken up and intended to sowe : and 
have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the hon- 
ored companie, which were laboring upon theire master's 
lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile 
manner laming, and amom; the rest, struck Ever Duckings 
,'Evert Duyckink] a iiole in his head, with a stick, so that 
the bloode ran duwne very strongly downe upon his body." 

" Those of Hartford sold a hogg,"that belonged to the hon- 
ored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire 
grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. 
They proffered the hogg for 5s. if the commissioners would 
have given 5.s. for daninge ; which the commissioners denied, 
oecause noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can tres- 
jass upon his owne master's grounde.'* 



250 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

mouldering remains of former days, anxious to 
draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may fare 
Boraewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, 
in meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew 
a swarm of bees about his ears. Thus, while 
narratmg the many misdeeds of the Yanokie or 
Yankee race, it is ten chances to one but I offend 
the morbid sensibilities of certain of their mirea- 
sonable descendants, who may fly out and raise 
such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, 
that I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles, 
or an Orlando Furioso, to protect me from their 
stings. 

Should such be the case, I should deeply and 
sincerely lament, — not my misfortune in giving 
offence, but the wrong-headed perverseness of 
an ill-natured generation, in taking offence at 
anything I say. That their ancestors did use 
my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for 
it. I would, with all my heart, the fact were 
othermse ; but as I am recording the sacred 
events of history, I 'd not bate one nail's breadth 
of the honest truth, though I were sure the 
whole edition of my work would be bought up 
and burnt by the common hangman of Connecti- 
cut. And in sooth, now that these testy gentle- 
men have drawn me out, I will make bold to go 
farther, and observe that this is one of the 
grand purposes for which we impartial historians 
are sent into the world, — to redress wrongs and 
render justice on the heads of the guilty. So 
that, though a powerful nation may wrong its 
neighbors with temporary impunity, yet sooner 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 251 

or later an historian springs up, who wreaks 
ample chastisement on it in return. 

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little 
thought, I '11 warrant it, while they were harass- 
ing the inoffensive province of Nieuw Necler- 
landts, and driving its unhappy governor to his 
wit's end, that an historian would ever arise, and 
give them their own, with interest. Since, then, 
I am but performing my bounden duty as an 
historian, in avenging the wrongs of our revered 
ancestors, I shall make no further apology ; and, 
indeed, when it is considered that I have all 
these ancient borderers of the east in my power, 
and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will 
be admitted I conduct myself mth great human- 
ity and moderation. 

It was long before William the Testy could be 
persuaded that his much-vaunted war-measure 
was ineffectual ; on the contrary, he flew in a 
passion whenever it was doubted, swearing that, 
though slow in operating, yet when it once began 
to work, it would soon purge the land of these 
invaders. When convinced, at length, of the 
truth, like a shrewd physician he attributed the 
failure to the quantity, not the quality of the 
medicine, and resolved to double the dose. He 
fulminated, therefore, a second proclamation, 
more vehement than the first, forbidding all 
intercourse with these Yankee intruders, ordering 
the Dutch burghers on the frontiers to buy none 
of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-sweet- 
meats, AVeathersfield onions, or wooden bowls, 
and to furnish tliem with no supplies of gin, gin- 
gerbread, or sourkrout. 



252 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Another interval elapsed, during which the 
last proclamation was as little regarded as the 
first ; and the non-intercourse was especially set 
at naught by the young folks of both sexes, if 
we may judge by the active bundlmg which took 
place along the borders. 

At length, one day the inhabitants of New 
Amsterdam were aroused by a furious barking 
of dogs, great and small, and beheld, to their sur- 
prise, the whole garrison of Fort Goed Hoop 
straggling into town all tattered and wayworn, 
with Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bringing 
the melancholy intelligence of the captm'e of 
Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an im- 
pressive warning to all military commanders. It 
was neither carried by stoi'in nor famine ; nor 
was it undermined ; nor l^ombarded ; nor set on 
fire by red-hot shot ; but was taken by a strata- 
gem no less singular than effectual, and which 
can never fail of success, whenever an opportu- 
nity occurs of putting it in practice. 

It seems that the Yankees had received intelli- 
gence that tlie garrison of Jacobus Van Curlet 
had been reduced nearly one eighth by the death 
of two of his most corpulent soldiers, who liad 
overeaten themselves on fat salmon caught in the 
Varsche river. A secret expedition was imme- 
diately set on foot to surprise the fortress. The 
crafty enemy, kno^ving the habits of the garrison 
to sleep soundly after they had eaten their din- 
ners and smoked their pipes, stole upon them at 
the noontide of a sultry summer's day, and sur- 
prised them in the midst of their slumbers. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 253 

In an instant the flag of their High Mighti- 
nesses was lowered, and the Yankee standard 
elevated in its stead, being a dried codfish, by- 
way of a spread eagle. A strong garrison was 
appointed, of long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, with 
Weathersfield onions for cockades and feathers. 
As to Jacobus Van Curlet and his men, they 
were seized by the nape of the neck, conducted 
to the gate, and one by one dismissed with a kick 
in the crupper, as Charles XII. dismissed the 
heavy-bottomed Russians at the battle of Narva ; 
Jacobus Van Curlet receiving two kicks in con- 
sideration of his official dignity. 



254 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER IV. 

OONTAININQ THE FEARFUL WRATH OP "WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND THl 
ALARM OF NEW AMSTERDAM — HOW THE GOVERNOR DID STRONGLY FOR- 
TIFY THE CITY — OP THE RISE OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER, AND THB 
WINDY ADDITION TO THE ARMORIAL BEARINGS OF NEW AMSTERDAM. 

ANGUAGE camiot express the awful 
ire of William the Testy on hearing of 
the catastrophe at Fort Goed Hoop. 
For three good hours his rage was too great for 
words, or rather the words were too great for 
him, (being a very small man,) and he was nearly 
choked by the misshapen, mne - cornered Dutch 
oaths and epithets which crowded at once into 
his gullet. At length his words found vent, and 
for three days he kept up a constant discharge, 
anathematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and 
child, for a set of dieven, schobbejacken, deuge- 
nieten, twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, loosen-schal- 
ken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names, 
of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does 
not make mention. Finally, he swore that he 
would have notliing more to do with such a squat- 
ting, bundling, guessing, questionmg, swapping, 
pumpkin - eating, molasses - daubing, shingle - split- 
ting, cider-Avatering, horse-jockey mg, notion-ped- 
dling crew ; that they might stay at Fort Goed 
Hoop and rot, before he would dirty bis handa 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 255 

by attempting to drive them away : in proof of 
which he ordered the new-raised troops to be 
marched forthwith into winter-quarters, although 
it was not as yet quite midsummer. Great 
despondency now fell upon the city of New Am- 
sterdam. It was feared that the conquerors of 
Fort Goed Hoop, flushed with victory and apple- 
brandy, might march on to the capital, take it by 
storm, and aimex the whole province to Connect- 
icut. The name of Yankee became as terrible 
among the Nieuw Nedei'landers as was that of 
Gaul among the ancient Romans ; insomuch that 
the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as a 
bugbear wherewith to frighten theii' unruly chil- 
dren. 

Everybody clamored around the governor, im- 
ploring him to put the city in a complete posture 
of defence ; and he Listened to their clamors. 
Nobody could accuse WilHam the Testy of being 
idle in time of danger, or at any other time. 
He was never idle, but then he was often busy 
to very little purpose. When a youngling, he 
had been impressed with the words of Solomon, 
" Gro to the ant, thou sluggard, observe her ways 
and be wise ; " in conformity to which he had 
ever been of a restless, ant-like turn, hurrying 
hither and thither, nobody knew why or where- 
fore, busying himself about small matters mth an 
air of great importance and anxiety, and toiling 
at a grain of mustard-seed in the full conviction 
that he was moving a mountain. In the present 
instance, he called in all his inventive powers to 
his aid, and was continually pondering over plans, 



256 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

making diagrams, and worrying about -vvith a 
troop of workmen and projectors at his heels. 
At length, after a world of consultation and con- 
trivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a 
great flag -staff in the centre of the fort, aud 
perching a wind-mill on each bastion. 

These warlike preparations in some measure 
allayed the public alarm, especially after an addi- 
tional means of securing the safety of the city 
had been suggested by the governor's lady. It 
has already been hinted in this most authentic 
history, that in the domestic establishment of 
WiUiam the Testy " the gray mare Avas the bet- 
ter horse " ; in other words, that his "vvife "• ruled 
the roast," and in governing the governor, gov- 
erned the province, wliich might thus be said to 
be under petticoat government. 

Now it came to pass, that about this time there 
lived in the Manhattoes a jolly, robustious trum- 
peter, named Antony Van Corlear, famous for 
his long wind ; and who, as the story goes, could 
twang so potently upon his instrument, that the 
effect upon all within hearing was like that 
ascribed to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings right 
lustily i' the nose. 

This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty 
bachelor, ^vith a pleasant, burly visage, a long 
nose, and huge whiskers. He had his little hoio- 
eric, or retreat, in the country, where he led a 
roistering life, giving dances to the wives and 
daughters of the burghers of the Manhattoes, 
insomuch that he became a prodigious favorite 
with all the women, young and old. He is said 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 257 

to have been the first to collect that famous toll 
levied on the fair sex at Kissmg Bridge, on the 
highway to Hellgate.^ 

To tliis sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the 
women were turned in this time of darkness and 
peril, as the very man to second and carry out 
Ihe plans of defence of the governor. A kind 
of petticoat council was forthwith held at the 
go\ ernment house, at which the governor's lady 
presided ; and tliis lady, as has been hinted, being 
all potent with the governor, the result of these 
councils was the elevation of Antony the Trum- 
peter to the post of commandant of wind-mills 
and champion of New Amsterdam. 

The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it 
would have done one's heart o-ood to see the o:ov- 
ernor snapping his fingers and fidgeting with de- 
light, as the trumpeter strutted up and down the 
ramparts, twanging defiance to the whole Yankee 
race, as does a modern editor to all the principal- 
ities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. 
In the hands of Antony Van Corlear this wmdy 
instrument appeared to him as potent as the horn 
of the paladin Astolpho, or even the more classic 
horn of Alecto ; nay, he had almost the temerity 
to compare it with the rams' horns celebrated in 
h(ily writ, at the very sound of Avhich the walls 
of Jericho fell down. 

Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hos- 
tilities from the east gradually died away. The 

1 The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still 
existn; but it is said that the toll is seldom collected nowa- 
days- exceptiu.i^ on sleighing-parties, by the descendants of the 
Dairiarchs, who still preserve the traditions of the citv. 
17 



258 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Yankees made no further invasion ; nay, they de- 
clared they had only taken possession of Fort 
Goed Hoop as being erected within their territo- 
ries. So far from manifesting hostility, they con- 
tinued to throng to New Amsterdam with the 
most innocent comitenances imaginable, filling the 
market with their notions, being as ready to trade 
with the Nederlanders as ever, and not a whit 
more prone to get to the windward of them in a 
bargain. 

The old wives of the Manhattoes, who took 
tea with the governor's lady, attributed all this 
affected moderation to the awe inspired by the 
military preparations of the governor, and the 
windy prowess of Antony the Trumpeter. 

There were not wanting illiberal minds, how- 
ever, who sneered at the governor for thinking to 
defend his city as he governed it, by mere "wind ; 
but William Kieft was not to be jeered out of 
his wind-mills : he had seen them perched upon 
the ramparts of his native city of Saardam, and 
was persuaded they were coimected with the 
great science of defence ; nay, so much piqued 
was he by having them made a matter of ridicule, 
that he introduced them into the arms of the city, 
where they remain to this day, quartered with 
the ancient beaver of the Manhattoes, an emblem 
and memento of his policy. 

I must not omit to mention that certain wise 
old burghers of the Manhattoes, skilful in ex- 
pomiding signs and mysteries, after events have 
come to pass, consider this early intrusion of the 
wind-mill into the escutcheon of our city, which 



niSTURY OF NEW YORK. 2o9 

before had been wholly occupied by the beavei, 
as portentous of its after fortune, when the quiet 
Dutchman would be elbowed aside by the enter- 
prising Yankee, and patient industry overtoppoxi 
by windy speculation. 



260 HIHTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER V. 

ftf THE ;URISPRUDENCE OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND HIS ADMIBABLI 
EXPEDIENTS FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF POVERTY. 

^g;^^MONG the wrecks and fragments of ex- 
r^^^® alted wisdom, which have floated down 
'v^^)^ the stream of time from venerable an- 
tiquity, and been picked up by those humble but 
industrious wights who ply along the shores of 
literature, we find a shrewd ordinance of Charon- 
das the Locrian legislator. Anxious to preserve 
the judicial code of the State from the additions 
and amendments of country members and seek- 
ers of popularity, he ordained that, whoever pro- 
posed a new \<\\v should do it Avitli a halter about 
his neck ; whereby, in case his proposition were 
rejected, they just hung him up — and thei'e the 
matter ended. 

The effect was, that for more than two hundred 
years there was but one trifling alteration \\\ tliC 
judicial code ; and legal matters were so clear 
and simple tliat the whole race of lawyers starved 
to death for want of employment. The Locri- 
ans, too, being freed from all incitement to litiga- 
tion, lived very lovingly together, and were so 
happy a people that tliey make scarce any figure in 
bistorj? , it being only your litigious, quarrelsome, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 261 

rantipole nations who make much noise in the 
world. 

I have been reminded of these historical facts 
in coming to treat of the internal policy of Wil- 
liam the Testy. Well would it have been for 
him had he in the course of his univei'sal acquire- 
ments stumbled upon the precaution of the good 
Charondas, or had he looked nearer home at the 
protectorate of Oloffe *he Dreamer, when the 
community was governed without laws. Such 
legislation, however, was not suited to the busy, 
meddling mind of William the Testy. On the 
contrary, he conceived that the true w^isdom of 
legislation consisted in the multiplicity of laws. 
He accordingly had great punishments for great 
crimes, and little punishments for little offences 
By degrees the whole surface of society was cut 
up by ditches and fences, and quickset hedges of 
the law, and even the sequestered paths of pri 
vate life so beset by petty rules and ordinances, 
too numerous to be remembered, that one could 
scarce walk at large without the risk of letting 
off a spring-gun or fallmg into a man-trap. 

In a little while the blessings of innumerable 
laws became apparent ; a class of men arose to 
expound and confound them. Petty courts were 
instituted to take cognizance of petty offences, 
pettifoggers began to abound ; and the commu- 
nity was soon set together by the ears. 

Let me not be thought as intending anything 
derogatory to the profession of the law, or to the 
distinguished members of that illustrious order. 
Well am I aware that we have in this ancient 



262 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

city innumerable worthy gentlemen, the knights- 
errant of modern days, who go about redressing 
wronfj-s and defendiu"; the defenceless, not for the 
love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish cravings of 
renown, but merely for the pleasure of doing 
good. Sooner would I throw this trusty pen uito 
the flames, and cork up my ink-bottle forever, 
than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the 
dignity of these truly benevolent chjmipions of 
the distressed. On the contrary, 1 allude merely 
to those caitiff scouts who, in these latter days of 
evil, infest the skirts of the profession, as did the 
recreant Cornish knights of yore the honorable 
order of chivalry, — who, under its auspices, com- 
mit flagrant wrongs, — who thrive by quibbles, by 
quirks and chicanery, and like vermin increase the 
corruption in which they are engendered. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas- 
sions as the facility of gratification. The courts 
of law would never be so crowded with petty, 
vexatious, and disgraceful suits, Avere it not for 
the herds of pettifoggers. These tamper with the 
passions of the poorer and more ignorant classes, 
who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in 
itself, are ever ready to imbitter it by litigation. 
These, like quacks in medicine, excite the malady 
to piont by the cure, and retard the cure to aug- 
ment the fees. As the quack exhausts the con- 
etitution, the pettifogger exhausts the purse ; and 
as he who has once been under the hands of a 
quack is forever after prone to dabble in drugs, 
and poison himself with infallible prescriptions, 
so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 263 

to embroil himself with his neighbors, and im- 
poverish himself with successful lawsuits. My 
readers will excuse this digression into which I 
have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not 
avoid giving a cool and unprejudiced account of 
an abomination too prevalent in this excellent 
city, and with the effects of which I am ruefully 
acquainted : having been nearly ruined by a law- 
suit which was decided against me ; and my ruin 
having been completed by another, which was 
decided in my favor. 

To return to our theme. There was nothing 
in the whole range of moral offences against 
which the jurisprudence of William the Testy 
was more strenuously directed than the crying 
sin of poverty. He pronounced it the root of 
all evil, and determined to cut it up, root and 
branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had 
been struck, in the course of his travels in the 
old countries of Europe, with the wisdom of 
those notices posted up in country towns, that 
" any vagrant found begging there would be put 
in the stocks," and he had observed that no beggars 
were to be seen in these neighborhoods ; having 
doubtless thrown off their rag and their poverty, 
and become rich under the terror of the law. 
He determined to improve upon this hint. In a 
little while a new machine, of his own invention, 
was erected hard by Dog's Misery. This was 
nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of a very 
strange, uncouth, and unmatchable construction, 
%r more efficacious, as he boasted, than the 
Btocks, for the punishment of poT'erty. It was 



264 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

for altitude not a whit inferior to that of HamaD 
BO renoAvned in Bible history ; but the marvel of 
the contrivance was, tliat the culprit, instead of 
being suspended by the neck, accordhig to vener- 
able custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and 
kept dangling and sprawling between heaven and 
earth for an hour or two at a time — to the 
infinite entertainment and edification of the re- 
spectable citizens who usually attend exhibitions 
of the kind. 

It is incredible liow the little governor chuckled 
at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars 
thus swinging by tlie crupper, and cutting antic 
gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleas- 
antries and mirtliful conceits to utter upon these 
occasions. He called them his dandle-lions — liis 
wild-fowl — his high-fiiers — liis spread-eagles — 
his goshawks — his scare-crows — and finally, his 
gallows-birds ; which ingenious appellation, though 
originally confined to Avorthies who had taken the 
air in this strange manner, has since grown to be 
a cant name given to all candidates for legal ele- 
vation. This punishment, moreover, if we may 
credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, 
gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or 
strapping, by which our forefiithers braced up 
their multifarious breeches, and which has of late 
years been revived, and continues to be worn at 
(he present day. 

Such was the punishment of all petty delin- 
quents, vagrants and beggars and others detected 
in being guilty of poverty in a small way ; as to 
those Avho hiwl offended on a great scale, who 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. ^G5 

had been guilty of flagrant misfortunes and enor- 
mous backslidings of the purse, and who stood 
convicted of large debts, which they were unable 
to pay, William Kieft had them straightway 
inclosed -within the stone walls of a prison, there 
to remain until they should reform and gi'ow 
rich. This notable expedient, however, does not 
appear to have been more efficacious under Wil- 
liam the Testy than in more modern days : it 
being found that the longer a poor devil was 
kept in prison the poorer he grew. 



266 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER VI. 

r»OJECTS OP WILLIAM THE TESTT FOR INCREASINQ THE CURBENCY - 
HE IS ODTWITTED BY THE YANKEES — THE GREAT OYSTER WAR. 

I EXT to his projects for the suppression 
of poverty may be classed those of Wil- 
ham the Testy, for increasing the wealth 
of New Amsterdam. Solomon, of whose char- 
acter for wisdom the little governor was some- 
what emulous, had made gold and silver as 
plenty as the stones in the streets of Jerusalem. 
William Kieft could not pretend to vie with liim 
as to the precious metals, but he determined, as 
an equivalent, to flood the streets of New Ajuster- 
dam with Indian money. This was nothing more 
nor less than strings of beads wrought of clams, 
periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and called sea- 
want or wampum. These had formed a native 
currency among the simple savages, who were 
content to take them of the Dutchmen in ex- 
change for peltries. In an milucky moment, 
William the Testy, seeing this money of easy 
production, conceived the project of making it 
the current coin of the province. It is true it 
had an intrinsic value among the Indians, who 
used it to ornament their robes and moccasons, 
but among the honest burghers it had no more 
hitrinsic value than those rags which form thc" 



HISTORY OF NFAV YORK. 267 

paper currency of modern days. This consider- 
ation, however, had no weight with William 
Kieft. He began by paying all the servants of 
the company, and all the debts of government, in 
strings of wampum. He sent emissaries to 
sweep the shores of Long Island, which was the 
Ophir of this modern Solomon, and abounded 
in shell-fish. These were transported in loads 
to New Amsterdam, coined into Indian money, 
and launched into circulation. 

And now, for a time, affairs Avent on smra- 
mingly ; money became as plentiful as in the 
modern days of paper currency, and, to use the 
popular phrase, " a wonderful impulse was given 
to public prosperity." Yankee traders poured 
into the province, buymg everything they could 
lay their hands on, and paying the worthy Dutch- 
men their own price — ui Indian money. If the 
latter, however, attempted to pay the Yankees in 
the same coin for then' tin ware and wooden bowls, 
the case was altered ; nothing would do but 
Dutch guilders and such like " metallic currency.'* 
Wliat was worse, the Yankees introduced an in- 
ferior kind of wampum made of oyster-shells, 
with wliich they deluged the province, carrying 
off in exchange all the silver and gold, the Dutch 
herrings, and Dutch cheeses : thus early did the 
knowing men of the east manifest their skill in 
bargaining the New Amsterdammers out of the 
oyster, and leaving them the shell.' 

1 In a manuscript record of the province, dated 1659, Li- 
Drarj' of the New York Historical Society, is the following 
luen'tion of Indian money: 

" Seawant alias wampum. Beads manufactured from the 



268 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

It wiis a long time before "William the Testy 
was made sensible how completely his grand pro- 
ject of finance was turned against him by his 
eastern neighbors ; nor would he probably have 
ever found it out, had not tidings been brought 
liim that the Yankees had made a descent upon 
Long Island, and had established a kind of mint 
at Oyster Bay, where they were coirdiig up all 
the oyster-banks. 

Now this was making a vital attack upon the 
province in a double sense, financial and gastro- 
nomical. Ever smce the council-dimier of OlofFe 
the Dreamer at the founding of New Amsterdam, 
at which banquet the oyster figured so conspic- 
uously, this divine shell-fish has been held in a 
kind of superstitious reverence at the Manhat- 
toes ; as witness the temples erected to its cult 
in every street and lane and alley. In fact, it is 
the standard luxury of the place, as is the terra- 
pin at Philadelphia, the soft crab at Baltimore, or 
the canvas-back at Washington. 

The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an 
outrage not merely on the pockets, but the lard- 

Quahang or icilk : a shell-fish formerly abounding on our 
coasts, but lately of more rare occurrence, of two colors, black 
and white; the former twice the value of the latter. Six 
beads of the white and three of the black for an English 
penny. Tlie seawant depreciates from time to time. The 
New-England people make use of it as a means of barter, not 
only to carry away the best cargoes wliich we send thither, 
but to accumulate a large quantity of beavers and other Jurs; 
by which the company is defrauded of her revenues, and the 
merchants disappointed in making returns with that speed 
with which they might wish to meet their engagements; 
«vhile their commissioners and the inhabitants remain over- 
Btocked with seawant, — a sort of currency of no value except 
with the New Netherland savages, &c." 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 269 

grs of the New Amsterdammers ; the whole eom- 
4nuiiity was aroused, and an oyster crusade was 
immediately set on foot agamst the Yankees. 
Every stout trencherman hastened to the stand- 
ard ; nay, some of the most corptdent Burgomas- 
t(,'ie and Schepens joined the expedition as a corps 
de reserve, only to be called into action when the 
sacking commenced. 

The conduct of the expedition was intrusted to 
a valiant Dutchman, who for size and weight 
might have matched with Colbrand the Danish 
champion, slain by Guy of Warwick. He was 
famous throughout the province for strength of 
arm and skill at quarter-staff, and hence was 
named Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or rather, Brinker- 
hoofd, that is to say, Stoffel the head-breaker. 

Tliis sturdy commander, who was a man of 
few words but vigorous deeds, led his troops reso- 
lutely on through Nineveh, and Babylon, and 
Jericho, and Patch-hog, and other Long Island 
towns, without encountering any difficulty of 
note ; though it is said that some of the burgo- 
masters gave out at Hardseramble Hill and Hun- 
gry Hollow, and that others lost heart and turned 
back at Puss-panick. With the rest he made 
good his march until he arrived in the neigribc r- 
hood of Oyster Bay. 

Here he was encountered by a host jf Yan- 
kee warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and 
Habakkuk Nuiter, and Return Strong, and Ze- 
rubbabel Fisk, and Determined Cock ! at the 
sound of whose names Stoffel Brinkerhoff verily 
beheved tlie Avhole parliament of Praise-God 



270 HISTORY OF NEW YCRK. 

Barebones had been let loose upon him. Pie 
Boon found, however, that they were merely the 
" selectmen " of the settlement, armed with no 
weapon but the tongue, and disposed only to 
meet him on the field of argument. Stoffel had 
but one mode of arguing, that was, with the cud- 
gel ; but he used it Avith such effect that he rout- 
ed his antagonists, broke up the settlement, and 
would have driven the inhabitants into the sea if 
they had not managed to escape across the Sound 
to the mainland by the De\ars stepping-stones, 
whicli remain to this day monuments of this 
great Dutch victory over the Yankees. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff" made great spoil of oysters 
and clams, coined and imcoined, and then set out 
on his return to the ISIanliattoes. A grand tri- 
umph, after the mamier of the ancients, was pre- 
pared for him by William the Testy. He en- 
tered New Amsterdam as a conqueror, mounted 
on a Narraganset pacer. Five dried codfish on 
poles, standards taken from the enemy, were 
borne before him, and an immense store of oysters 
and clams, Weathersfield onions, and Yankee 
" notions " formed the spoUa opima ; while sev- 
eral coiners of oyster-shells were led captive to 
grace the hero's triumpli. 

The procession was accompanied by a full 
l)and of boys and negroes, perfoi-ming on the pop- 
ular instruments of rattle-bones and clam-shells, 
while Antony Van Corlear sounded his trumpet 
from the ramparts. 

A great banquet was served up in the stadt- 
house from the clams and oysters t^iken from the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 271 

enemy ; while the governor sent the shells pri 
vately to the mint, and had them coined into In 
dian money, with which he paid his troops. 

It is moreover said that the governor, calling 
to mind the practice among the ancients to honor 
their victorious general with public statues, passed 
a magnanimous decree, by which every tavern- 
keeper was permitted to paint the head of StofTel 
Brinkerhoff upon his sign I 



272 lAiaroJiY of new yorr. 



CHAPTER Vn. 




JBOWINQ DISCONTENTS OF NEW AMSTERDAM UNDER THE QOVERNJCENl 
OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 



T has been remarked by the observant 
writer of tlie Stuyvesaiit manuscript, 
that under the administration of William 
Kieft the disposition of tlie inhabitants of New 
Amsterdam experienced an essential change, so 
that they became very meddlesome and factious. 
The unfortunate propensity of the little governoi 
to experiment and innovation, and the frequent 
exacerbations of his temper, kept his council in a 
continual worry ; and the council being to the 
people at large what yeast or leaven is to a batch, 
they tiirew the whole community in a ferment ; 
and the people at large being to the city Avhat 
the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions 
they underwent operated most disastrously upon 
New Amsterdam, — insomucli that, in certain of 
tlieir paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, 
they begat several of the most crooked, distorted, 
and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, with 
which this metropolis is disfigured. 

The fact was, that about this time the commu- 
nity, like Balaam's ass, began to grow moi^ 
enlightened than its rider, and to show a disposi- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 273 

tion for what is called " self-government." This 
restive propensity was first evinced in certain 
popular nieetings, m which the burghers of New 
Amsterdam met to talk and smoke over the com- 
plicated affairs of the province, gradually obfus- 
cating themselves with politics and tobacco-smoke. 
Hither resorted those idlers and squires of low 
degree who hang loose on society and are blown 
about by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers aban- 
doned their stalls to give lessons on political econ- 
omy ; blacksmiths suffered their fires to go out 
while they stirred up the fires of faction ; and 
even tailors, though said to be the ninth parts of 
humanity, neglected their own measm'es to criti- 
cize the measures of government. 

Strange ! that the science of government, 
which seems to be so generally understood, should 
invariably be denied to the only one called upon 
to exercise it. Not one of the politicians in 
question, but, take his word for it, could have ad- 
ministered affairs ten times better than William 
the Testy. 

Under the instructions of these political ora- 
cles the good people of New Amsterdaia soon 
became exceedingly enlightened, and, as a matter 
of course, exceedingly discontented. They grad- 
ually found out the fearful error in wliich they 
had indulged, of thinking themselves the happi- 
est people in creation, and were convinced that, 
all circumstances to the contrary notmthstanding, 
they were a very unhappy, deluded, and conse 
quently ruined people ! 

We are naturally prone to discontent, and 
18 



274 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

avaricious after imaginary causes of lamentatioa 
Like lubberly monks Ave belabor our o\w\ shoul- 
ders, and take a vast satisfaction in the music of 
our own groans. Nor is tliis said by way of 
paradox ; daily experience shows the truth of 
these observations. It is almost impossible to 
elevate the spirits of a man groaning under ideal 
calamities ; but nothing is easier than to render 
liim Avretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity ; 
as it would be an Herculean task to hoist a man 
to the top of a steeple, though the merest child 
could topple him off thence. 

I must not omit to mention that these popular 
meetings Avere generally held at some noted tav- 
ern, these public edifices possessing Avhat in mod- 
ern times are thought the true fountains of polit- 
ical inspiration. The ancient Greeks deliberated 
upon a matter Avhen drunk, and reconsidered it 
Avhen sober. Mob -politicians in modern times 
dislike to have tAvo minds upon a subject, so thoy 
both deliberate and act Avhen drunk ; by this 
means a Avorld of delay is spared ; and as it is 
universally allowed that a man Avlien drunk seea 
double, it follows conclusively that he sees twice 
AS well as his sober neighbors. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 275 




CHAPTER Vm. 

9r TUB EDICT OP WILLIAM THE TESTY AGAINST TOBACCO — OF THB 
PIPE-PLOT, AND THE RISE OP FEUDS AND PARTIES. 

^ILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already 
^^ been observed, was a great legislator 
on a small scale, and had a microscopic 
eye in public affairs. He had been greatly an- 
noyed by the factious meeting of the good people 
of New Amsterdam, but, observing that on these 
occasions the pipe was ever in their mouth, he be- 
gan to think that the pipe was at the bottom of 
the affair, and that there was some mysterious 
affinity between politics and tobacco-smoke. De- 
termined to strike at the root of the evil, he 
began forthwith to rail at tobacco, as a noxious, 
nauseous weed, filthy in all its uses ; and as to 
smoking, he denomiced it as a heavy tax upon 
the public pocket, — a vast consumer of time, a 
great encourager of idleness, and a deadly bane 
to the prosperity and morals of the people. 
Finally he issued an edict, prohibiting the smok- 
ing of tobacco throuo;hout the New Netherlands. 
Ll-fated Kieft ! Had he lived in the present age 
and attempted to check the unbounded license of 
the press, he could not have struck more sorely 
upon the sensibiHties of the milHon. The pipe, 



276 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

in fact, was the great organ of reflection and 
deliberation of the New Netherlander. It waa 
his constant companion and solace : was he gay, 
he smoked ; was he sad, he smoked ; his jDipe 
was never out of his mouth ; it was a part of his 
physiognomy ; without it his best friends would 
not know him. Take away his pipe ? You 
might as well take away his nose ! 

The immediate effect of the edict of William 
the Testy was a popular commotion. A vast 
multitude, armed with pipes and tobacco-boxes, 
and an immense supply of ammunition, sat them- 
selves down before the governor's house, and fell 
to smoking with tremendous violence. The 
testy William issued forth like a wrathful spider, 
demanduio; the reason of this lawless fumi!2;ation. 
The sturdy rioters replied by lolling back in their 
seats, and puffing away with redoubled fury, rais- 
ing such a murky cloud that the governor was 
fain to take refuge in the interior of his castle. 

A long negotiation ensued tlu-ough the medium 
of Antony the Trumpeter. The governor was at 
first wrathful and unyielding, but was gradually 
smoked into terms. He concluded by permitting 
the smoking of tobacco, but he abolished the fair 
long pipes used in the days of Wouter Van Twil- 
ler, denoting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of 
deportment; these he condemned iis incompatible 
with the despatch of business, in place whereof 
he substituted little captious short pipes, two 
inches in length, which, he observed, could be 
Btuck in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in 
the hat-band, and would never be in the way. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 211 

riius ended this alarming insurrection, which was 
long known by the name of The Pipe-Plot, and 
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, 
did end, like most plots and seditions, in mere 
smoke. 

But mark, oh, reader ! the deplorable evils 
which did afterwards result. The smoke of 
these villanous little pipes, continually ascending 
in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and 
befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly 
moisture of the brain, and I'endered the people 
who use them as vaporish and testy as the gov- 
ernor himself. Nay, what is worse, from being 
goodly, biu'ly, sleek -conditioned men, they be- 
came, like our Dutch yeomanry who smoke 
short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leath- 
ern-! lided race. 

Nor was this all. From tliis fatal schism in 
tobacco-pipes we may date tlie rise of parties in 
the Nieuw Nederlands. The rich and self-im- 
portant burghers who had made their fortmies, 
and could afford to be lazy, adhered to the 
ancient fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy 
known as the Long Pipes ; wliile the lower 
order, adopting the reform of WilHam Kieft as 
more convenient in their handicraft employments, 
were branded with the plebeian name of Short 
Pipes. 

A third party sprang up, headed by the de- 
scendants of Robert Chewit, the companion of the 
great Hudson. These discarded pipes altogether 
and took to chewing tobacco ; hence they were 
called Quids, — an appellation since given to those 



278 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

political mongrels, which sometimes spring up 
between two great parties, as a mule is produced 
between a liorse and an ass. 

And here I would note the great benefit of 
party distinctions in saving the people at large 
the trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides man- 
kind into three classes, — those who think for 
themselves, those who think as others think, and 
those who do not think at all. The second class 
comprises the great mass of society ; for most 
people require a set creed and a file-leader. 
Hence the origin of party : which means a large 
body of people, some few of whom tliink, and 
all the rest talk. The former take the lead and 
discipline the latter ; prescribing what they must 
say, what they must approve, what they must 
hoot at, whom they must support, but, above all, 
whom they must hate ; for no one can be a right 
good partisan, who is not a thorough-gouig hater. 

The enli2:htened inhabitants of the Manhat- 
toes, therefore, being divided into parties, were 
enabled to hate each other with great accuracy. 
And now the great business of politics went 
bravely on, the long pipes and short pipes assem- 
bling in separate beer-liouses, and smokuig at 
each other with implacable vehemence, to the 
great support of the State and profit of the tav- 
ern-keepers. Some, indeed, went so far as to 
bespatter their adversaries with those odoriferous 
little words whicli smell so strong in the Dutch 
language, believing, like true politicians, that 
they served their party, and glorified tliemselves 
ill proportion as they bewrayed their neighbors. 



HISTORY OF N^W YORK. 279 

But, however they might differ among them- 
Belves, all parties agreed in abusing the governor, 
seeing that he was not a governor of their 
choice, but appomted by others to rule over 
them. 

Unhappy William Kieft ! exclaims the sage 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, doomed to 
contend with enemies too knowing to be en- 
trapped, and to reign over a people too wise to 
be governed. All his foreign expeditions were 
baffled and set at naught by the all-pervading 
Yankees ; all his home measures were canvassed 
and condemned by " numerous and respectable 
meetings " of pot-house politicians. 

In the multitude of counsellors, we are told, 
tliere is safety ; but the multitude of counsellors 
was a continual source of perplexity to William 
Kieft. With a temperament as hot as an old 
nidish, and a mind subject to perpetual vrhirl- 
winds and tornadoes, he never failed to get into 
a passion ^vitli every one who undertook to 
advise him. 1 have observed, however, that 
your passionate little men, like small boats with 
large sails, are easily upset or blown out of their 
course ; so w^as it with William the Testy, who 
was prone to be carried away by the last piece 
)f advice blown into his ear. The consequence 
was, that, though a projector of the first class, 
yet by continually changing his projects he gave 
aone a fair trial ; and by endeavoring to do 
everything, he in sober truth did nothing. 

In the mean time, the sovereign people got 
iiito the saddle, showed themselver;, as usual, 



280 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

unmerciful riders ; spurring on the little govern 
or with harangues and petitions, and thwarting 
hun with, memorials and reproaches, in much the 
same way as holiday apprentices manage an 
unlucky devil of a hack-horse, — so that Wilhel- 
raus Kieft was kept at a worry or a gallop 
throughout the whole of his admmistration. 



BISTORT OF NEW YORK 281 




CHAPTER IX. 

SF THE POLLY OP BEING HAPPY IX TIME OP PROSPERITY — OP TROCBLM 
TO THE SOUTH BROUGHT ON BY ANNEXATION — OP THE SECRET EXPK- 
DITION OP JAN JANSEN ALPENDAM, AND HIS MAGNIFICENT REWARD. 

F we could but get a peep at the tally 
of dame Fortune, where like a vigilant 
landlady she chalks up the debtor and 
creditor accounts of thoughtless mortals, we 
should find that every good is checked off by an 
evil, and that, however we may apparently revel 
scot-free for a season, the tiroe will come when 
we must ruefully pay off the reckoning. For- 
tune in fact is a pestilent shrew, and withal an 
inexorable creditor ; and though for a time she 
may be all smiles and courtesies ard indulge 
us in long credits, yet sooner or la^e^' she brings 
up her arrears with a vengeance, and washes out 
her scores with our tears. " Since," says f'ood 
old Boetius, " no man can retain her at his pleas- 
ure ; what are her favors but sure prognostica- 
tions of approaching trouble and calamity ? " 

This is the fundamental maxim of that sage 
school of philosophers, the croakers, Avho esteem 
it true Avisdom to doubt and despond when other 
men rejoice, Avell knowing that liappiness is at 
best but transient, — that, the higlier one is ele- 



282 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

vated on the seesaw balance of fortune, the 
lower must be his subsequent depression, — that 
he who is on the uppermost round of a ladder has 
most to suffer from a fall, while he who is at the 
bottom runs very little risk of breaking his neck 
by tumbling to the top. 

Philosophical readers of this stamp must have 
doubtless indulsred in dismal forebodinos all 
through the tranquil reign of Walter the Doubt- 
er, and considered it what Dutch seamen call a 
weather-breeder. They will not be surprised, 
therefore, that the foul weather which gathered 
during his days should now be rattling from all 
quarters on the head of William the Testy. 

The origin of some of these troubles may be 
traced quite back to the discoveries and annexa- 
tions of Hans Reinier Oothout, the explorer, and 
Wynant Ten Breeches, the land-measurer, made 
m the twilight days of OlofFe the Dreamer ; by 
which the territories of the Nieuw Nederlanda 
were carried far to the south, to Delaware river 
and parts beyond. The consequence was, many 
disputes and brawls with the Indians, which now 
and then reached the drowsy ears of Walter the 
Doubter and his council, like tlie muttering of 
distant thunder from behind the mountains, with- 
out, liowever, disturbing their repose. Tt wns 
not till the time of William the Testy that the 
thunderbolt reached the Manhattoes. While the 
little governor was diligently protecting his east- 
ern boundaries from the Yankees, word was 
biought him of the irruption of a vagrant colony 
:>f Swedes in the south, who had landed on the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 283 

banks of the Delaware and displayed the banner 
of that redoubtable virago Queen Christina, and 
taken possession of the country in her name. 
These had been guided in their expedition by 
one Peter Minuits, or MinneAvits, a renegade 
Dutchman, formerly in the service of their Higli 
Mightinesses, but who now declared himself gov- 
ernor of all the surrounding country, to which 
was given the name of the province of New 
Sweden. 

It is an old saying that " a little pot is soon 
hot," which was the case with William the Testy. 
Being a little man, he was soon in a passion, 
and once in a passion, he soon boiled over. Sum- 
moning his coimcil on the receipt of this news, he 
belabored the Swedes in the longest speech that 
had been heard in the colony since the wordy 
warfare of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. 
Havino- thus taken off the fire-ed^e of his valoi , 
he resorted to his favorite measure of proclama- 
tion, and despatched a document of the kind, or- 
derins: the reneo:ade Minnewits and his gano; of 
Swedisli vagabonds to leave the country imme- 
diately, under pain of the vengeance of their 
High Mightinesses the Lords States General, 
and of the potentates of the Manhattoes. 

This strong measure was not a whit more 
effectual than its predecessors, Avhich had been 
tlnuidered against the Yankees ; and William 
Kieft was preparing to follow it up with some- 
thing still more formidable, when he received in 
telligence of other invaders on his southern fion- 
tier, who had taken possession of the banks of 



284 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the Schuylkill, and built a fort there. They were 
represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of 
men, exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, goug- 
ing, and other branches of the rough-and-tumblo 
mode of warfare, wliich they had learned from 
their prototypes and cousins-german, the Virgin- 
ians, to whom they have ever borne considerable 
resemblance. Like them, too, they were great 
roisters, much given to revel on hoe-cake and 
bacon, mint-julep and apple-toddy ; whence their 
newly formed colony had already acquired the 
name of Merryland, which, with a slight modifi- 
cation, it retains to the pi'esent day. 

In fact, the Merrylanders and their cousins, 
the Virginians, were represented to William Kieft 
as offsets from the same original stock as his bit- 
ter enemies the Yanokie, or Yankee tribes of the 
east, having both come over to this country for 
the liberty of conscience, or, in other words, to 
live as they pleased : the Yankees taking to pray- 
ing and money-making, and converting quakers ; 
and the Southerners to horse-rachisr and cock- 
fiofhtin<2:, and breeding? negroes. 

Against these new hivaders Wilhelmus Kieft 
immediately despatched a naval armament of two 
sloops and thirty men, under Jan Jansen Alpen- 
dam, who was armed to the very teeth with one 
of the little governor's most powerful speeches, 
written in vigorous Low Dutch. 

Admiral Alpendam arrived without accident in 
the Schuylkill, and came upon the enemy just as 
they were engaged in a great " barbecue," a kind 
of festivity or carouse much practised in Meiry- 



HISTORY OF NEW. YORK. 285 

land. Opening upon them with the speech of 
WiUiam the Te&ty, he denounced them as a pack 
of lazy, canting, julep -tippling, cock-fighting, 
hoi-se-racuig, slave-trading, tavern-hunting, Sab- 
bath-breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts, and con- 
cluded by ordering them to evacuate the country 
immediately : to which they laconically replied in 
plain EngUsh, " they 'd see liim d — d first ! " 

Now, this was a reply on which neither Jau 
Jansen Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had 
made any calculation. Finding liimself, there- 
fore, totally miprepared to answer so terrible a 
rebuff with suitable hostility, the admiral con- 
cluded his wisest course would be to return home 
and report progress. He accordingly steered his 
course back to New Amsterdam, where he ar 
rived safe, havmg accomplished this hazardous 
enterprise at small expense of treasure and no 
loss of life. His saving policy gained him the 
universal appellation of the Saviour of his Coun- 
try ; and his services were suitably rewarded by 
a shingle monument, erected by subscription on the 
top of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immortalized 
his name for three whole years, when it fell to 
piec^es and was burnt for firewood. 



286 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER X. 

rROUBLOUS TIMES ON THE HUDSON — HOW KILLIAN VAN RENSELLAM 
ERECTED A FEUDAL CASTLE, AND HOW HE INTRODUCED CLUB-LAW INTO 
THE PROVINCE. 

^TAMiH BOUT this time the testy little governor 
2^^S of the New Netherlands appears to 
ig^^^)® have had his hands full, and with one 
annoyance and the other to have been kept con- 
tinually on the bounce. He was on the very 
point of following up the expedition of Jan Jan- 
sen Alpendam by some belligerent measures 
against the marauders of Merryland, when his 
attention was suddenly called away by belligerent 
troubles springing up in another quarter, the 
seeds of which had been sown in the tranquil 
days of Walter the Doubter. 

The reader will recollect the deep doubt into 
which that most pacific governor was thrown on 
Killian Van Rensellaer's , taking possession of 
Beam Island by ivapen recht. While the gov- 
ernor doubted and did nothing, the lordly Killian 
went on to complete his sturdy little castellum of 
Rensellaerstein, and to garrison it with a number 
of his tenants from the Helderbcirg, a mountain 
region famous for the hardest heads and hardest 
fists in the province. Nicholas Koorn, a faithful 
squire of the patroon, accustomed to strut at his 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 287 

heels, wear his cast-off clothes, and imitate his 
lofty beariijg, was established in this post as 
wacht-meester. His duty it was to keep an eye 
on the river, and oblige every vessel that passed, 
unless on the service of theii* High Mightinesses, 
to strike its flag, lower its peak, and pay toll to 
the lord of Rensellaerstein. 

This assumption of sovereign authority withiu 
the territories of the Lords States General, how- 
ever it might have been tolerated by Walter the 
Doubter, had been sharply contested by William 
the Testy on coming into office ; and many writ- 
ten remonstrances had been addressed by him to 
Killian Van Kensellaer, to which the latter never 
deigned a reply. Thus, by degrees, a sore place, 
or, in Hibernian parlance, a raw, had been estab- 
lished in the irritable soul of the little governor, 
insomuch that he winced at the very name of 
Rensellaerstein. 

Now it came to pass, that, on a fine sunny day. 
the Company's yacht, the Half-Moon, having 
been on one of its stated visits to Fort Aurania, 
was quietly tiding it down the Hudson. The 
commander, Govert Lockerman, a veteran Dutch 
skipper of few words but great bottom, was 
seated on the high poop, quietly smoking his pipe 
under the shadow of the proud flag of Orange, 
when, on arriving abreast of Beam Island, he 
was saluted by a stentorian voice from the she re, 
" Lower thy flag, and be d — d to thee ! " 

Govert Lockerman, without taking his pipe 
out of his mouth, turned up his eye from under 
his broad-brimmed hat to see who hailed him 



288 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

thus discourteously. There, on the ramparts of 
the fort, stood Nicholas Koorii, armed to the 
teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted sword, while a 
steeple-crowned hat and cock's tail-feather, for- 
merly worn by Killian Van Rensellaer himself, 
gave an inexpressible loftiness to his demeanor. 

Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top 
to toe, but was not to be dismayed. Taking the 
pipe slowly out of his mouth, '' To whom should 
I lower my flag ? " demanded he. " To the high 
and mighty Killian Van Rensellaer, the lord of 
Rensellaerstein ! " was the reply. 

" I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange 
and my masters the Lords States General." So 
saying, he resumed his pipe and smoked with an 
air of dogged determination. 

Bang ! went a gun from the fortress ; the ball 
cut both sail and riggmg. Govert Lockerman 
said nothing, but smoked the more doggedly. 

Bang ! went another gun ; the shot wliistled 
close astern. 

" Fire, and be d — d," cried Govert Locker- 
man, cramming a new charge of tobacco into his 
pipe, and smoking with still increasing volie- 
mence. 

Bang! went a third gun. The shot passed 
over his head, tearing a hole in the " princely 
(lag of Orange." 

This was the hardest trial of all for the pride 
and patience of Gx>vert Lockerman. He main- 
tained a stubborn, though swelling silence ; but 
his smothered rage might be perceived by the 
short vehement puffs of smoke emitted from hia 



Iffin'OliT OF NEW YORK. 289 

pipe, by which he might be tracked for miles, as 
he slowly floated out of shot and out of sight of 
Bearn Island. Li fact he never gave vent to his 
passion until he got faii^ly among the highlands 
of the Hudson ; when he let fly whole volleys 
of Dutch oaths, which are said to hnger to this 
very day among the echoes of the Dunderberg, 
and to give particular effect to the thmider-storms 
in that nei2;hborhood. 

It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lock- 
erman at Dog's Misery, bearing in his hand the 
tattered flag of Orange, that arrested the attention 
of William the Testy, just as he was devising a 
new expedition against the marauders of Merry- 
land. I will not pretend to describe the passion 
of the little man when he heard of the outrage 
of Rensellaerstein. Suffice it to say, in the first 
transports of his fury, he turned Dog's JVIisery 
topsy-turvy ; kicked every cur out of doors, and 
tlirew the cats out of the window ; after which, 
his spleen being in some measure relieved, he 
went mto a council of war with Govert Locker- 
man, the skipper, assisted by Antony Van Cor- 
lear, the Trumpeter. 



1» 



200 HISTORY OF NEiV ^OUA.. 




CHAPTER XI. 

it THE DIPLOMATIC MISSION OP ANTONY THE TRUMPETER TO THB MB 
IRESS OF RENSELLAERSTEIN — AND HOW HE WAS PUZZLED BY A CAB 
ALISTIC REPLY. 

^HE eyes of all New Amsterdam were 
now turned to see what would be the 
end of this direful feud between Wil-* 
liam the Testy and the patroon of Rensellaer- 
wiek; and some, observing the consultations of 
the governor with the skipper and the trumpeter, 
predicted warlike measures by sea and land. 
The ^vrath of William Kieft, however, though 
quick to rise, was quick to evaporate. He was 
a perfect brush-heap in a blaze, snapping and 
crackling for a time, and then ending in smoke. 
Like many other valiant potentates, his first 
thoughts were all for war, his sober second 
thouglits for diplomacy. 

Accordingly, Govert Lockerman was once 
more despatched up the river in the Company's 
yacht, the Goed Hoop, bearing Antony the 
Trumpeter as ambassador, to ;.roat with the bellig* 
erent powers of Rtnsellaerstem. In the fulness 
of time the yacht arrived before Beam Island, 
and Antony the Trumpeter, mounting the poop, 
sounded a parley to the fortress. In a little while 
the steeple-crowned hat of Nicholas Koorn, the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 291 

waclit-meester, rose above the battlements, fol- 
lowed by his h-on visage, and ultimately his 
whole person, armed, as before, to the very teeth ; 
while, one by one, a whole row of Helderbergers 
reared their round burly heads above the wall, 
and beside each pumpkin-head peered the end of 
n rusty musket. Nothing daunted by this formi- 
dable array, Antony Van Corlear drew forth and 
read with audible voice a missive from William 
the Testy, protesting against the usurpation of 
Beam Island, and ordering the garrison to quit 
the premises, bag and baggage, on pain of the 
vengeance of the potentate of the Manhattoes. 

In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb 
of his right hand to the end of his nose, and the 
thumb of his left hand to the little finger of the 
right, and spreading each hand like a fon, made 
an aerial flourish with his fingers. Antony Van 
Corlear was sorely perplexed to understand this 
sign, which seemed to him something mysterious 
and masonic. Not liking to betray his ignorance, 
he again read with a loud voice the missive of 
William the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn 
applied the thumb of his right hand to the end 
of his nose, and the tlnmib of his left hand to 
llie little finger of the right, and repeated tliis 
kmd of nasal weather-cock. Antony Van Cor- 
I(!ar now persuaded himself that this was some 
3liort-hand sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, 
which, though imintelligible to a new diplomat, 
like himself, would speak volumes to the experi- 
en(;ed intellect of William the Testy ; consider- 
ing his embassy tlierefore at an end, be sounded 



292 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

his trumpet with great complacency, and set sail 
on Ills return down the river, every now and 
then practising this mysterious sign of the wacht- 
m(;ester, to keep it accurately in mind. 

Arrived at New Amsterdam, he made a faith- 
ful report of his embassy to the governor, accom- 
panied by a manual exhibition of the response of 
Nicholas Koorn. The governor was equally per 
plexed with his embassy. He was deeply versed 
in the mysteries of freemasonry ; but they threw 
no light on the matter. He knew every variety 
of windmill and weather-cock, but was not a whit 
the wiser as to the aerial sign in question. He 
had even dabbled in Egyptian hieroglyphics and 
the mystic symbols of the obelisks, but none fur- 
nished a key to the reply of Nicholas Koorn. He 
called a meeting of his council. Antony Van 
Corlear stood forth in the midst, and putting the 
thumb of his right hand to his nose, and the 
thumb of his left hand to the linger of the right, 
he gave a faithful fac-simile of the portentous 
sign. Having a nose of unusual dimensions, it 
was as if the reply had been put in capitals ; 
but all in vain : the worthy burgomasters were 
equally perplexed with the governor. Each one 
put his tiuunb to the end of his nose, spread hi;^ 
fingers like a fan, imitated the motion of Antojiy 
Van Corlear, and then smoked in dubious silence. 
Several times was Antony obliged to stand forth 
like a fugleman and repeat the sign, and each 
time a circle of nasal weather-cocks might be 
seen in the council-chamber. 

Pei'plexed in the extreme, William the Testy 



trr STORY OF NEW YORK. 293 

Bent for all the soothsayers, and fortune-tellers, 
and -svise men of the Manhattoes, but none could 
interpret th^- mysterious reply of Nicholas Koorn. 
The council broke up in sore perplexity. The 
matter got abroad, and Antony Van Corlear waa 
stopped at every corner to repeat the signal to a 
knot of anxious newsmongers, each of whom de- 
parted with his thumb to his nose and his fingers 
in the air, to carry the story home to his family. 
For several days, all business was neglected m 
New Amsterdam ; nothing w^as talked of but the 
diplomatic mission of Antony the Trumpeter, — 
nothing was to be seen but knots of politicians 
with their thumbs to their noses. In the mean 
time the fierce feud between William the Testy 
and Killian Van Rensellaer, which at first had 
menaced deadly warfare, gradually cooled off, like 
many other war-questions, in the prolonged delays 
of diplomacy. 

Still to this early affair of Rensellaerstein 
may be traced the remote origin of those wmdy 
wars in modern days which rage in the bowels 
of the Helderberg, and have wellnigh shaken 
the great patroonship of the Van Rensellaers to 
its foundation ; for we are told that the bully 
boys of the Helderberg, who served under Nich- 
olas Koorn the wacht-meester, carried back to 
their mountams the hieroglyphic sign which had 
so sorely puzzled Antony Van Corlear and the 
Bages of the Manhattoes ; so that to the present 
day the thumb to the nose and the fingers in 
the air is apt to be the reply of the Helder- 
bergers whenever called upon for any long 
an'ears of rent. 



294 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER Xn. 

lONTAININO THE RISE OF TQE GREAT AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL OP TUl 
PILGRIMS, WITH THE DECLINE AND FINAL EXTINCTION OP WILLIAM 
THE TESTY. 

T was asserte'd by the wise men of an- 
cient times, who had a nearer oppor- 
tunity of ascertaining the fact, that at 
the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, 
one filled with blessings, the other with mis- 
fortunes ; and it would verily seem as if the 
latter had been completely overturned and left 
to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Neder- 
lands : for about this time, while harassed and 
annoyed from the south and the north, incessant 
forays were made by the border-chivalry of Con- 
necticut upon the pig-sties and hen-roosts of the 
Nederlanders. Every day or two some broad- 
bottomed express-rider, covered with mud and 
mire, would come floundering into the gate of 
New Amsterdam, freighted with some new tale 
of aggression from the frontier ; whereupon An- 
tony Van Corlear, seizing his trumpet, the only 
substitute for a newspaper in those primitive 
days, would sound the tidings from the ramparts 
with such doleful notes and disastrous cadence 
as to throw half the old women in the city into 
hysterics ; all which tended greatly to increa^ 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 296 

his popularity ; there being nothing for which the 
public are more grateful than being frequently 
treated to a panic, — a secret well known to the 
modern editors. 

But, oh ye powers ! into what a paroxysm of 
passiDn did each new outrage of the Yankees 
throw the choleric little governor ! Letter after 
letter, protest after protest, bad Latin, worse 
English, and hideous Low Dutch, were inces- 
santly fulminated upon them, and the four-and- 
fvventy letters of the alphabet, wliich formed his 
standing army, were worn out by constant cam- 
paigning. All, however, was ineffectual ; even 
the recent victory at Oyster Bay, which had shed 
such a gleam of sunshine between the clouds of 
his foul-weather reign, was soon followed by a 
more fearful gathering up of those clouds, and 
indications of more portentous tempest ; for the 
Yankee tribe on the banks of the Connecticut, 
finding on this memorable occasion their incom- 
petency to cope, in fair fight, with the sturdy 
chivalry of the Manhattoes, had called to their 
aid aU the ten tribes of their brethren who in- 
habit the east country, which from them has 
derived the name of Yankee -land. This call 
was promptly responded to. The consequence 
was a great confederacy of the tribes of Massa- 
chusetts, Coimecticut, New Plymouth, and New 
Haven, under the title of the " United Colonies 
of New England " ; the pretended object of which 
was mutual defence ao;ainst the savaores, but the 
"eal object the subjugation of the Nieuw Nedei- 
lands. 



296 niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

For, to let the reader into one of the great 
secrets of history, the Nieuw Nede^rlands had lono 
been regarded by the wliole Yankee race as the 
modern land of promise, and themselv^es as the 
chosen and peculiar people destined, one day oi 
other, by hook or by crook, to get possession (jf 
it. In truth, they are a wonderful and all-prev- 
alent people, of that class who only require ac 
inch to gain an ell, or a halter to gain a horse 
From the time they first gained a foothold on 
Plymouth Rock, they began to migrate, progress- 
ing and progressing from place to place, and land 
to land, making a little liere and a little there, 
and controverting the old proverb, that a rolling 
stone gathers no moss. Hence they have face- 
tiously received the nickname of The Pilgrims : 
that is to say, a people who are always seeking a 
better country than their own. 

The tidin<>;3 of this "-reat Yankee leajnie struck 
\yilliam Kieft with dismay, and for once in his 
life he forgot to bounce on receivin": a disa":ree- 
able piece of intelligence. In fact, on turning 
over in his mind all that he had read at the 
Hague about leagues and combinations, he found 
that this was a counterpart of the Amphictyonic 
league, by which tlie states of Greece attained 
8Mf;h power and supremacy ; and the very idea 
made his heart quake for the safety of lus empiio 
at the Manhattoes. 

Tlie affairs of the confederacy were managed 
by an annual council of delegates held at Boston, 
which Kieft denominated the Delphos of this 
tnily classic league. Tbe very first meeting gave 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 297 

evidence of hostility to the Nieuw Nederlanders, 
who were charged, in theii* dealings with the In- 
dians, with carrying on a traffic m " guns, pow- 
ther and shott, — a trade damnable and injuri- 
ous to the colonists." It is true the Connecticut 
Traders were fain to dabble a httle in this dam- 
nable traffic ; but then they always dealt in Avhat 
'^'ere termed Yankee guns, ingeniously calculated 
to burst in the pagan hands which used them. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a 
death-blow to the glory of William the Testy, 
for from that day forward he never held up his 
head, but appeared quite crestfallen. It is true, 
as the grand council augmented in power, and 
the league, rolling onward, gathered about the 
red hills of New Haven, threatening to overwhelm 
the Nieuw Nederlands, he continued occasionally 
to Eliminate proclamations and protests, as a 
shrewd sea-captain fires his gmis into a water- 
spout ; but alas ! they had no more effect than 
so many blank cartridges. 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the 
reign of William the Testy ; for henceforth, in 
the troubles, perplexities, and confusion of the 
times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, 
and to have slipped forever through the Angel's 
of scimpulous history. It is a matter of deep 
concern that such obscurity should hang over his 
latter days ; for he was in truth a mighty and 
gi*eat-little man, and worthy of being utterly re- 
Aowned, seeing that he was the first potentate 
that introduced into this land the art of fisrht- 
uig by proclamation, and defendmg a country by 
trumpeters and wind-mills. 



298 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

It is true, that certain of the early provincial 
poets, of whom there were great numbers in the 
Nieuw Nederlands, taking advantage of liis mys- 
terious exit, have fabled, that, like Romulus, he 
was translated to the skies, and forms a very 
fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of 
the Crab ; while others, equally fanciful, declare 
that lie had experienced a fate similar to that 
of the good king Ai'thur, who, we are assured 
by "ancient bards, was carried away to the deli- 
cious abodes of fairy -land, where he still exists 
in pristme worth and vigor, and will one day or 
another return to restore the gallantry, the honor, 
and the immaculate probity, which prevailed in 
the glorious days of the Round Table.^ 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, 
the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, 
the poets, to which I would not have my judi- 
cious readers attach any credibility. Neither am 
I disposed to credit an ancient and rather apocry- 
phal historian, who asserts that the ingenious 
Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blo^\'ing down 
of one of his wind-mills ; nor a writer of latter 
times, who affirms that he fell a victim to an 
experiment in natural history, having the misfor- 
tune to break liis neck from a garret-window of 

1 The old Welsh bards believed that king Arthur was nof 
^ead, but carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasanl 
place, where he sholde remaine for a time, and then retarna 
againc and reigne in as great autliority as ever. — Hollinsiied 

Tlie liritons suppose that he shall come yet and conquera 
nil Britaigne, for certes, this is the prophicye of Merlyn — He 
Bay'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for 
jiien thereof yet have doubte and shuUen for ever more — for 
men wyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede. — Dr. Leew 
Chkom. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 299 

the stadthouse in attempting to catch swallows by 

Bprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I 

put my faith in the tradition that he perished 

at sea in conveying home to Holland a treasure 

of golden ore, discovered somewhere among the 

haunted regions of the Catskill mountains.^ 

1 Diedrich Knickerbocker, in bis scrupulous search after 
truth, is sometimes too fastidious in regard to facts which bor- 
der a little on the marvellous. The story of the golden ore 
rests on something better than mere tradition. The venerable 
Adrian Van der Donck, Doctor of Laws, in his description of 
the New Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation as 
an eye-witness. He was present, he says, in 1645, at a treaty 
between Governor Kieft and the Mohawk Indians, in which 
one of the latter, in painting himself for the ceremony, used a 
pigment, the weight and shining appearance of which excited 
the curiosity of the governor and Mynheer Van der Donck. 
They obtained a lump, and gave it to be proved by a skilful 
doctor of medicine, Johannes de la Montague, one of the coun- 
cillors of the New Netherlands. It was put into a crucible, 
and yielded two pieces of gold, worth about three guilders. 
All this, continues Adrian Van der Donck, was kept secret. As 
soon as peace was made with the Mohawks, an officer and a few 
»»\er wore sent to the mountain, (in the region of the Kaats- 
kill,) under the guidance of an Indian, to search for the pre- 
cious mineral. Tliey brouglit back a bucket full of ore ; which, 
beiug submitted to the crucible, proved as productive as the 
first. William Kieft now thought the discovery certain. He 
sent a confiderrtial person, Arent Corsen, with a bag full of the 
mineral, to New Haven, to take passage in an English ship 
for England, thence to proceed to Holland. The vessel sailed 
at Christmas, but never reached her port. All on board per- 
ished. * 

In the year 1647, Wilhelmus Kieft himself embarked on 
board the Princess, taking with him specimens of the sup- 
posed mineral. The ship was never heard of more! 

Some have supposed that the mineral in question was not 

Bold, but pyrites; but we have the assertion of Adrian Van der 
•onck, an eye-witness, and the experiment of Johannes.de la 
Montague, a learned doctor of medicine, on the golden side 
of the question. Cornelius Van Tienhooven, also, at that 
time secretary of the New Netherlands, declared in Holland 
that he had tested several specimens of the mineral, which 
proved satisfactory.* 

* See Van der Donck's " Description of the New Netherlands." 
■Jollect. New York Hist. Society, Vol. I. p. 161. 



300 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

The most probable account declares, tbat, wbat 
with, the constant troubles on his frontiers, the 
incessant schemings and projects going on in his 
own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remon- 
strances, and.sage pieces of advice of respectable 
meetings of the sovereign people, and the refrac- 
tory disposition of his councillors, who were sure 
to differ from him on every point, and uniformly 
to be in the wrong, his mind was kept in a fur- 
nace-heat, until he became as completely burnt 
out as a Dutch family-pipe which has passed 
through three generations of hard smokers. In 
this manner did he undergo a kind of animal 
combustion, consuming away like a farthing rush- 
light : so that when grim death finally snuffed 
him out, there was scarce left enough of him to 
bury! 

It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of 
the Kaatskill always brought ill luck : as is evidenced in 
the fate of Arent Corsen and Wilhelmus Kieft, and the wreck 
of the ships in which they attempted to convey the treasure 
across the ocean. The golden juines have never since been 
explored, but remain amon^ the ?*jysteries of the Kaatskill 
mountain&, and undw the protection of the goblins which 
haunt tLem. 




BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER 
STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHIC- 
TYONIC COUNCIL. 




CHAPTER I. 

IN WHICH THE DEATH OF A GREAT MAN IS SHOWN TO BE NO VERT IN- 
CONSOLABLE MATTER OF SORROW — AND HOW PETER STUYVESANT 
ACQUIRED A GREAT NAME FROM THE UNCOMMON STRENGTH OF HIS 
HEAD. 

a profound philosopher like myself, 
who am apt to see clear through a sub- 
ject, where the penetration of ordinary 
[)eople extends but half-way, there is no fact 
more simple and manifest than that the death of 
a great man is a matter of very little importance. 
iNLuch as we may think of ourselves, and much 
as we may excite the empty plaudits of the mill- 
ion, it is certain that the greatest among us do 
actually fill but an exceeding small space in the 
world ; and it is equally certain, that even that 
spall space is quickly supplied Avlien we leave it 
vacant. " Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, 



302 HISJOnY OF NEW YORK. 

" that individuals appear, or make their exit ? thti 
world is a theatre whose scenes and actors aro 
continually changing." Never did philosoi)her 
speak more correctly ; and I only wonder that so 
wise a remark could have existed so many ages, 
and mankuid not have laid it more to heart. 
Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one 
hero just steps out of his triumphal car, to make 
way for the hero who comes after him ; and of 
the proudest monarch it is merely said, that " he 
slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned 
ui his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but 
little for their loss, and if left to itself would soon 
forget to grieve ; and though a nation has often 
been figuratively drowned in tears on the death 
of a great man, yet it is ten to one if an individ- 
ual tear has been shed on the occasion, excepting 
from the forlorn pen of some himgry author. It 
is the historian, the biograplier, and the poet, 
who have the whole burden of grief to sustain, — 
who — kmd souls ! — like undertakers in Eng- 
land, act the part of chief mourners, — who in- 
flate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and 
deluge it with tears it never dreamt of sliedding. 
Thus, while the patriotic author is weeping and 
howling, in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme^ 
and collecting the drops of public sorrow into his 
volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more tliau 
probable his fellow-citizens are eating and drink- 
ing, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of 
the bitter lamentations made in their name as ai*e 
those men of straw, John Doe au'l llichaid Roe, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 303 

of the plaintiffs for whom they are generously 
pleased to become sm'eties. 

The most glorious hero that ever desolated 
nations might have mouldered into oblivion 
among the rubbish of his own monument, did not 
some historian take him into favor, and benev- 
olently transmit his name to posterity ; and much 
as the valiant William Kieft worried, and bus- 
tled, and turmoiled, while he had the destinies of 
a whole colony in his hand, I question seriously 
whether he will not be obliged to this authentic 
history for all his future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city 
of New Amsterdam nor its vicinity : the earth 
trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from 
their spheres ; the heavens were not shrouded in 
black, as poets would fain persuade us they have 
been, on the death of a hero ; the rocks (hard- 
hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, nor did 
the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow ; and 
as to the sun, he lay abed the next night just as 
long, and showed as jolly a face when he rose as 
he ever did on the same day of the month in any 
year, either before or since. The good people of 
New Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he 
had be^n a very busy, active, bustling little gov- 
ernor : uiat h« was "the father of his country "; 
that he was '• the noblest work of God " ; that 
" he was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er 
should look upon his like again".; together with 
sundry other civil and affectionate speeche-s reg- 
ularly said on the death of all great men : after 
which they smoked their pipes, tliought no more 



304 ' HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to 
his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the 
renowned Winter Van Twiller, the best of our 
fUicient Dutch governors. Wouter having sur- 
passed all who preceded him, and Peter, or Pict, 
as he was sociably called by the old Dutch burgh- 
ers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, 
having never been equalled by any successor. 
lie was in fact the very man fitted by nature to 
retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved 
province, had not the fates, those most potent 
and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, destined 
them to inextricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero, would be 
doing him great injustice : he was in truth a 
combination of heroes ; for he was of a sturdy, 
raw-boned make, Uke Ajax Telamon, mth a pair 
of round shoulders that Hercules would have 
given his liide for (meanmg his lion's hide) when 
he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He 
was, moreover, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, 
not only terrible for the force of his arm, but 
likewise of his voice, which sounded as though 
it came out of a barrel ; and, like the self-same 
warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for 
the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which 
was enough of itself to make the very bowels of 
his adversaries quake witli terror and dismay. 
All this martial excellency of appearance was 
inexpressibly heightened by an accidental advan- 
tage, with which I am surprised tliat neither 
Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 30il 

lieroes. Tliis was nothing less than a wooden 
leg, which was the only prize he had gained in 
bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of 
which he was so proud, that he was often heard 
to declare he valued it more than all his other 
limbs put together ; indeed so highly did he es- 
teem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and re- 
lieved with silver devices, which caused it to be 
related in divers histories and legends that he 
wore a silver leg.-'^ 

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was 
somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, 
which were ratlier unpleasant to his favorites and 
attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to 
quicken, after the manner of his illustrious imita- 
tor, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders 
with his walldng-stafF. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, 
or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon 
Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes 
manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his meas- 
ures, that one would hardly expect from a man 
who did not know Greek, and had never studied 
the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with 
sorrow, that he had an uni'easonable aversion to 
experiments, and was fond of governing his prov- 
ince after the simplest manner ; but then he con» 
trived to keep it in better order than did the eru- 
dite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers, 
ancient and modern, to assist and perplex him. 
I must likewise own that he made but very few 
laws ; but then, again, he took care that those 

^ See the histories of Masters Josselvn and Blorae 

2U 



SOG HISTORY OF NEW YOUA. 

few were rigidly and impartially enforced ; and 1 
do not know but justice, on the whole, was aa 
well administered as if there had been volumes 
of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily 
neglected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his pred- 
ecessors, being neitlier tranquil and inert, like 
Walter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgeting, 
like William the Testy, — but a man, or rather a 
governor, of such uncommon activity and decis- 
ion of mind, that he never sought nor accepted 
the advice of others, — depending bravely upon 
his single head, as would a hero of yore upon his 
single arm, to carry him through all difficulties 
and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he want- 
ed nothing more to complete him as a statesman 
than to think always right ; for no one can say 
but that he always acted as he thought. He 
was never a man to flinch when he found himself 
in a scrape, but to dash forward through tliick 
and thin, trustmg, by hook or by crook, to make all 
things straight in the end. In a word, he pos- 
sessed, in an eminent degree, that great quality 
in a statesman, called perseverance by the polite, 
but nicknamed obstinacy by the vulgar, — a won- 
derful salve for official blunders, smce he who 
perseveres in error without flmching gets the 
credit of boldness and consistency, while he who 
wavers ui seeking to do what is right gets stig^ 
matized as a trimmer. This much is certain; 
and it is a maxim well worthy the attention of 
all legislators, great and small, who stand shak- 
ing in the wind, irresolute which way to steer 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 307 

that a ruler who follows his own will pleases 
himself, while he who seeks to satisfy the wishes 
and whims of others nuis great risk of pleasing 
nobody. There is nothing, too, like putting down 
one's foot resolutely when in doubt, and letting 
Ihiiiors take their course. The clock that stands 
still points right twice in the four-and-twenty 
hours, while others may keep going continually 
and be continually going "wi'ong. 

Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the 
discernment of the good people of Nieuw Neder- 
lands ; on the contrary, so much were they struct 
with the independent will and vigorous resolu 
tion displayed on all occasions by their new gov 
ernor, that they universally called him Hard-Kop 
pig Piet, or Peter the Headstrong, — a great com 
pliment to the strength of his understanding. 

If, from all that I have said, thou dost not 
gather, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant 
was a tor~h, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, met- 
tlesome, obstinate, leathern - sided, lion-hearted, 
generous-spirited old governor, either I have writ- 
ten to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at 
drawing conclusions. 

This most excellent governor commenced his 
administration on the 29th of May, 1647, — a 
remarkably stormy day, distinguished in all the 
almanacs of the time which have come down to 
us by the name of Windy Friday. As he was 
very jealous of his personal and official dignity, 
he was inaugurated into office with great cere- 
mony, — the goodly oaken chair of the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller being carefully preserved for 



308 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

such occasions, in like manner as the chair and 
stone were reverentially preserved at Schone, in 
Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledonian 
monarch s. 

1 must not omit to mention that the tempestu- 
ous state of the elements, together with its being 
that unlucky day of the week termed " hanging- 
day," did not fail to excite much grave specula- 
tion and divers very reasonable apprehensions 
amono- the more ancient and enliorhtened inhab- 
itants ; and several of the sager sex, who were 
reputed to be not a little skilled in the mystery 
of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare out- 
right that they were omens of a disastrous ad- 
nunistration ; — an event that came to be lamenta- 
bly verified, and which proves beyond dispute the 
wisdom of attending to those preternatural inti- 
mations furnished by dreams and visions, the fly- 
ing of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of 
geese, on wliich the sages and rulers of ancient 
times placed such reliance ; or to those shooting 
of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of dogs, 
and flarings of candles, carefully noted and inter- 
preted by the oracular sibyls of our day, — who, in 
my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors 
and preservers of the ancient science of divina- 
tion. This much is certain, that Governor Stuy- 
vesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbu- 
lent period ; when foes thronged and threatened 
from without ; when anarchy and stiff- necked 
opposition reigned rampant within ; when the 
authority of their High Mightmesses the Lords 
Btates General, though supported by economy 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 309 

and defended by speeches, protests, and procla- 
mations, yet tottered to its very centre ; and when 
the great city of New Amsterdam, though forti- 
fied by flag -staffs, trumpeters, and wind -mills, 
seemed, like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie 
open to attack, and ready to yield to the fiist 
invader. 



310 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER n. 




IHOWINQ HOW PETER THE HEADSTRONG BESTIRRED HirfSELP AMOHQ 
THE RATS AND COBWEBS ON ENTERING INTO OFFICE — HIS INTERVIEW 
WITH ANTONY THE TRUMPETER, AND HIS PERILOUS MEDDLING WITH 
THE CURRENCY. 



^HE very first movements of the great 
Peter, on taking the reins of govern- 
ment, displayed his magnanimity, though 
they occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness 
among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding 
liimself constantly interrupted by the opposition, 
and annoyed by the advice of his privy council, 
the members of which had acquired the unrea- 
sonable habit of thinking and speaking for them- 
selves during the preceding reign', he determined 
at once to put a stop to such grievous abomina- 
tions. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon 
his authority, than he turned out of office all 
the meddlesome spirits of the factious cabinet of 
William the Testy ; in place of whom he chose 
unto himself coiuisellors from those fat, somnif- 
erous, respectable burgliers wlio had flourislied 
and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter 
the Doubter. All tliese lie caused to be fur- 
aished with abundance of fair long pipes, and 
to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, 
admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sleep 
for the good of tlie nation, while he took the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 311 

burden of government upon his ov^fn shoulders, — 
an arrangement to which they all gave hearty 
acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout 
among the inventions and expedients of his 
learned predecessor, — rooting up his patent gal- 
lows, where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by 
the waistband, — demohsliing his flag-staffs and 
wind -mills, which, Hke mighty giants, guarded 
the ramparts of New Amsterdam, — pitching to 
the duyvel whole batteries of quaker gmis, — 
and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole 
philosophic, economic, and T\dnd-mill system of 
the immortal sage of Saardam. 

The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to 
quake now for the fate of their matchless cham- 
pion, Antony the Trumpeter, who had acquired 
prodigious favor in the eyes of the women, by 
means of his whiskers and his trumpet, ffim 
did Peter the Headstrono; cause to be brought 
into his presence, and eying liim for a moment 
from head to foot, vn\h a countenance that would 
have appalled anything else than a sounder of 
brass, — " Pr'ythee, who and what art thou ? '* 
said he. " Sire," replied the other, in no wise 
dismayed, " for my name, it is Antony Van Cor- 
lear ; for my parentage, I am the son of my 
mother ; for my profession, I am champion and 
garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam." 
" I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, " that 
thou art some scurvy costard - monger knave. 
How didst thou acquire this paramount honor 
and dignity ? " " Marry, sir," replied the other, 



312 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

"like many a great man before me, simply h^ 
sounding my own trumpet." " Ay, is it so ? " quoth 
the governor ; " why, then let us have a relish 
of thy art." Whereupon the good Antony put 
his instrument to his lips, and sounded a cliarge 
with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable 
quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, that it 
was enough to make one's heart leap out of one's 
mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as 
a war-worn charger, grazmg m peaceful plains, 
starts at a strain of martial music, pricks up his 
ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the 
noise, so did the heroic Peter joy to hear the 
clangor of the trumpet ; for of him might truly 
be said, what was recorded of the renowned St. 
George of England, " there was nothing in all 
the world that more rejoiced his heart than to 
hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the 
soldiers brandish forth their steeled weapons." 
Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon 
the sturdy Van Corlear, and findiug him to be 
a jovial varlet, shrewd in his discourse, yet 
of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he 
straightway conceived a vast kindness for him, 
and dischai-ging him from the troublesome duty 
of garrisoning, defending, and alarming the city, 
ever after retained him about his person, as his 
chief favorite, confidential envoy, and trusty 
squire. Instead of disturbing the city with dis- 
astrous notes, he was instructed to play so as to 
delight the governor while at his repasts, as did 
the minstrels of yore in the days of glorious 
chivalry, — and on all public occasions to rejoice 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 313 

tlie ears of the people with warlike melody, — 
thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. 

But the measm-e of the vahant Peter which 
produced the greatest agitation in the community, 
was his laying his hand upon the currency. He 
had old-fashioned notions hi favor of gold and 
silver, which he considered the true standards 
of wealth and mediums of commerce ; and one 
of his first edicts was, that all duties to govern- 
ment should be paid in those precious metals, 
and that seawant, or wampum, should no longer 
be a lesfal tender. 

Here was a blow at public prosperity ! All 
those who speculated on the rise and fall of this 
fluctuating currency, found their calling at an 
end ; those, too, who had hoarded Indian money 
by barrels full, found their capital shrunk in 
amount ; but, above all, the Yankee traders, who 
were accustomed to flood the market with newly 
coined oyster-shells, and to abstract Dutch mer- 
chandise in exchange, were loud-mouthed in de- 
crying this " tampering with the currency." It 
was clipping the wings of commerce ; it was 
checking the development of public prosperity; 
trade would be at an end ; goods would moulder 
on the shelves ; grain would rot in the granaries ; 
grass would gi*ow in the market-place. In a 
M'ord, no one who has not heard the outcries and 
bowlings of a modern Tarshish, at any check 
upon " paper-money," can have any idea of the 
clamor against Peter the Headstrong, for check- 
ing the circulation of oyster-shells. 

In fact, trade did shrink into narrower chan- 



314 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

nels ; but then the stream was deep as it was 
broad ; the honest Dutchmen sold less goods ; 
but then they got the worth of them, either in 
silver and gold, or in codfish, tin ware, apple- 
brandy, Weathersfield onions, wooden bowls, and 
>ther articles of Yankee barter. The ingenious 
people of the east, however, indemnified them- 
selves another way for having to abandon the 
coinage of oyster-shells ; for about this time we 
are told that wooden nutmegs made their first 
appearance in New An;sterdam, to the great an- 
noyance of the Dutch housewives. 

NOTE. 

From a manuscript record of the province ; Lib. N. Y. Hist. 
Society. — We have been unable to render j'oiir inhabitants 
wiser and prevent tlieir being further imposed upon than to 
d'eclare absohitely and peremptorily that henceforward sea- 
want shall be bullion, — not longer admissible in trade, with- 
out any value, as it. is indeed. So that everv one may be upon 
his guard to barter no longer away his wares and merchandises 
for these bubbles, — at least not to accept them at a higher rate, 
or in a larger quantity, than as tliey may Avant them in their 
trade with the savages. 

In this way your English [Yankee] neighbors shall no longer 
be enabled to draw the best wares and merchandises from 
our country for nothing, — the beavers and furs not excepted. 
This has indeed long since been insufferable, although it 
ought chiefly to be imputed to the imprudent peiuiriousne.s9 
of our own merchants and inhabitants, who, it is to be hoped, 
shall through the abolition of this seawant become wiser and 
more prudent. 

27C/< January, 1G62. 

Seawant falls iato disrepute; duties to be paid in silvar coin 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 816 




CHAPTER m. 

low THE YANKEE LEAGUE WAXED MORE AND MORE POTENT; AND HOW 
IT OUTWITTED THE GOOD PETER IN TREATY-MAKING. 

OW it came to pass, that, while Peter 
4i Stuyvesant was busy regulating the in- 
^ teriial affairs of his domain, the great 
Yankee league, wliich had caused such tribula- 
tion to William the Testy, continued to increase 
m extent and power. The gi*and Amphictyonic 
comicil of the league was held at Boston, where 
it spun a web, which threatened to link within it 
all the mighty principalities and powers of the 
east. The object proposed by this formidable 
combination was, mutual protection and defence 
against their savage neighbors ; but all the world 
knows the real aim was to form a grand crusade 
against the Nieuw Nederlands, and to get posses- 
sion of the city of the Manhattoes, — as devout 
an object of enterprise and ambition to the Yan- 
kees as was ever the capture of Jerusalem to 
ancient crusaders. 

Li the very year following the inauguration 
of Governor Stuyvseant, a grand deputation de- 
parted from the city of Providence (famous for 
its dusty streets and beauteous women) in behidf 
of tlie plantation of Rhode Island, praying to be 
admitted into the league. 



316 nisroRY of new york. 

Tlie following minute of this deputation ap- 
pears in the ancient records of the council.^ 

" Mr. Will. Cottington and Captain Partridg of 
Rhoode Island presented this insewmg request to 
the commissioners in wrijjhtinjx — 

'' Our request and motion is in behalfe of 
Rhoode Band, that wee the Ilandei*s of Roode* 
Dand may be rescauied into combination with all 
the united eolonyes of New England in a firme 
and perpetual league of friendship and amity of 
ofence and defence, mutuall advice and succor 
upon all just occasions for our mutuall safety and 
wellfaire, etc Will Cottington, 

" Alicxsander Partridg." 

There was certainly something in the very 
physiognomy of this document that might well 
mspire apprehension. The name of Alexander, 
however misspelt, has been warlike in every age ; 
and though its fierceness is in some measure 
softened by being coiipled with the gentle cogno- 
men of Partridge, still, like the color of scarlet, 
it beai's an exceeding great resemblance to the 
sound of a trumpet. From the style of the let- 
ter, moreover, and the soldier-like ignorance of 
orthography displayed by the noble Captain Al- 
icxsander Partridg in spelling his o^^^l name, we 
may picture to ourselves this mighty man of 
Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, mid 
as great a scholar as thouijh he had been edu- 
cated among tliat learned people of Thrace, who, 
Aristotle jissures us, could not count beyond the 
number four. 

1 Haz. Col. Stat. Tap. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 317 

The result of this great Yankee league was 
augmented audacity on the part of the moss- 
ti'oopers of Connecticut, — pushing then* en- 
croachments farther and farther into the territo- 
ries of their High Mightinesses, so that even the 
inliabitants of New Amsterdam began to draw 
Bhort breath and to find themselves exceedingly 
cramped for elbow-room. 

Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to submit 
quietly to such mtrusions ; his fii'st impulse was 
to march at once to the frontier and kick these 
squatting Yankees out of the comitry ; but, be- 
thinking himself in tune that he was now a gov- 
ernor and legislator, the policy of the states- 
man for once cooled the fire of the old soldier, 
and he determined to try his hand at negotia- 
tion. A correspondence accordingly ensued be- 
tween him and the grand comicil of the league ; 
and it was agreed that commissioners from either 
side should meet at Hartford, to settle bounda- 
ries, adjust grievances, and establish a " perpetual 
and happy peace." 

The commissioners on the part of the Man- 
hattoes were chosen, according to immemorial 
usage of that venerable metropolis, from among 
the " wisest and weightiest " men of the commu- 
nity, that is to say, men with the oldest heads 
and heaviest pockets. Among these sages the 
veteran navigator, Hans Reinier Oothout, who 
had made such extensive discoveries during the 
time of OlofFe the Dreamer, was looked up to as 
an oracle in all matters of the kind ; and he was 
ready to produce the very spy-glass with which 



318 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

he first spied the mouth of the Connecticut river 
from liis mast-head ; and all the world knows the 
discovery of the mouth of a river gives prior 
right to all the lands dramed by its waters. 

It was Avith feelings of pride and exultation 
that the good people of the Manhattoes saw two 
of the richest and most ponderous burghers de- 
parting on this embassy, — men whose word on 
'change was oracular, and in whose presence no 
poor man ventured to appear without takmg off 
his hat : when it was seen, too, that the veteran 
Reinier Oothout accompanied them with his spy- 
glass under his arm, all the old men and old 
women predicted that men of such weight, with 
such evidence, would leave the Yankees no alter- 
native but to pack up their tin kettles and 
wooden wares, put wife and childi'en m a cart, 
and abandon all the lands of their Hiorh Mighti- 
nesses, on which they had squatted. 

In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford 
by the league seemed in no wise calculated to 
compete with men of such capacity. They were 
two lean Yankee lawyers, litigious-looking var- 
lets, and evidently men of no substance, since 
they had no rotundity in the belt, and there was 
no jingling of money in their pockets ; it is true, 
they had longer heads than the Dutchmen ; but 
if the heads of the latter were flat at top, thej? 
were broad at bottom, and what was wanting in 
height of forehead was made up by a double 
chin. 

The negotiation turned as usual upon the good 
old corner-stone of original discovery, — accord- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 319 

ing to the principle that he who first sees a new 
country has an unquestionable right to it. This 
being admitted, the veteran Oothout, at a con- 
certed signal, stepped forth in the assembly with 
the identical tarpauling spy-glass in his hand, 
^vith which he had discovered the mouth of the 
Connecticut, while the worthy Dutch commis- 
sioners lolled back in their chau's, secretly chuck- 
ling at the idea of having for once got the 
weather-gage of the Yankees ; but what was 
their dismay when the latter produced a Nan- 
tucket whaler with a spy -glass twice as long, 
with wliich he discovered the whole coast, quite 
down to the Manhattoes, and so crooked, that he 
had spied with it up the whole course of the 
Connecticut river. This pruiciple pushed home, 
therefore, the Yankees had a right to the whole 
country bordering on the Somid ; nay, the city 
of New Amsterdam was a mere Dutch squatting- 
place on their territories. 

I forbear to dwell upon the confusion of the 
worthy Dutch commissioners at finding their 
maiu pillar of proof thus knocked from under 
them ; neither will I pretend to describe the con- 
sternation of the wise men at the Manhattoes 
when they learned how their commissioner had 
been out-trumped by the Yankees, and how the 
latter pretended to claim to the very gates (>f 
New Amsterdam. 

Long was the negotiation protracted, and long 
was the public mind kept in a state of anxiety. 
There are two modes of settling boundary ques- 
tions when the claims of the opposite are irrecon 



320 HISTORY Or NEW YORK. 

cilable. One is by an appeal to arms, in which 
case the weakest party is apt to lose its right, 
and get a broken head mto the bargain ; the 
other mode is by compromise, or mutual conces- 
sion, — that is to say, one party cedes half of its 
claims, and the other party half of its rights ; lus 
who grasps most gets most, and the whole is pro- 
nomiced an equitable division, " perfectly honor- 
able to both parties." 

The latter mode was adopted in the present 
instance. The Yankees gave up claims to vast 
tracts of the Nieuw Nederlands which they had 
never seen, and all right to the land of Manna- 
hata and the city of New Amsterdam, to which 
they had no right at all ; while the Dutch, in 
return, agreed that the Yankees should retain 
possession of the frontier places where they had 
squatted, and of both sides of the Connecticut 
river. 

When the news of this treaty arrived at New 
Amsterdam, the whole city was in an uproar of 
exultation. The old women rejoiced that there 
was to be no war, the old men that their cabbage- 
gardens were safe from invasion ; while the politi- 
cal sages pronounced the treaty a great triumph 
over the Yankees, considering how much they had 
claimed, and how little they had been " fobbed 
off with." 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like 
the great and good Peter, congratulating himself 
with the idea that his feelings will no longer be 
harassed by afflicting details of stolen horses, 
oroken heads, impomided hogs, and all the other 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 321 

catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that disgraced 
these border wars. But if he should indulge in 
such expectations, it is a proof that he is but 
little versed in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; 
to convince him of which, I solicit his serious 
attention to my next chapter, wherein I will 
show that Peter Stuyvesant has already com- 
mitted a great error in poUtics, and, by effecting 
a peace, has materially hazarded the tranquillity 
of the province. 



21 



822 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER IV. 

SORTAIKtSrO DIVERS SPECULATIONS ON WAE AND NEGOTIATIONS — SnOW- 
INQ THAT A TREATY OP PEACE IS A GREAT NATIONAL EVIL. 

j^^^"^^ T was the opinion of that poetical phi* 
r^^^ losopher, Lucretius, that war was the 
i>yt^^ original state of man, whom he de- 
scribed as being primitively a savage beast of 
prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility 
with his own species, and that this ferocious spu-it 
was tamed and ameliorated by society. The 
same opinion has been advocated by Hobbes,^ nor 
have there been wanting many other philosophers 
to admit and defend. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of 
these valuable speculations, sn <iomplimentary to 
human nature, yet, in this instance, I am inclmed 
to take the proposition by halves, believing with 
Horace,^ that, though war may have been origi- 
nally the favorite amusement and hidustrious 
employment of our progenitors, yet, like many 
other excellent habits, so far from being amel- 
iorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by 

* Hobbes's Leviathan. Part i. ch. 13. 

2 Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terris, 
Mutuiim ac tiirpe pecus. glandein atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et piignis, dein Ciistibup, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, quoe post fabricaverat usu««. 

Htm Sat. L i. S. 8. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 323 

refinement and civilization, and increases in exact 
proportion as we approach towards that state of 
perfection which is the ne plus ultra of modern 
philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was 
the mere exertion of physical force, miaided by 
auxiliary weapons ; his arm was his buckler, 
his fist was his mace, and a broken head the 
catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of 
unassisted strength was succeeded by the more 
rugged one of stones and clubs, and war assumed 
a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in refine- 
ment, as his faculties expanded, and as his sensi- 
bilities became more exquisite, he grew rapidly 
more ingenious and experienced in the art of 
murdering his fellow - bemgs. He invented a 
thousand devices to defend and to assault : the 
helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, 
the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude 
the wound as well as to launch the blow. Still 
urging on, in the cai*eer of philanthropic inven- 
tion, he enlarges and heightens his powers of 
defence and injury : — The Aries, the Scorpio, 
the BaUsta, and the Catapulta, give a horror and 
sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by in- 
creasing its desolation. Still insatiable, though 
armed with machinery that seemed to reach the 
limits of destructive invention, and to yield a 
power of injury commensurate even with the 
desires of revenge, — still deeper researches must 
be made in the diabolical arcana. With furi- 
ous zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth ; 
he toils midst poisonous minerals and deadly salts, 



324 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

— the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes 
upon the world — and finally the dreadful art 
of fighting by proclamation seems to endow the 
demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! 

This, indeed, is grand ! — tliis, indeed, marks 
the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine en- 
do\vment of reason, which distinguishes us from 
the animals, our inferiors. The unenhghtened 
brutes content themselves with the native force 
which Providence has assigned them. The an- 
gry bull butts Avith his horns, as did his pro- 
genitors before him ; the lion, the leopard, and 
the tiger seek only with their talons and their 
fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even 
the subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses 
the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. 
Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes 
on from discovery to discovery, — enlarges and 
multiplies liis powers of destruction, — arrogates 
the tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks 
creation to assist him in murdering his brother- 
worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased 
in improvement has the art of preserving peace 
advanced in equal ratio ; and as we have discov- 
ered, in this age of wonders and mventions, that 
proclamation is the most formidable engine in 
war, so have we discovered the no less ingenious 
mode of maintaining peace by perpetual negotia- 
tions. 

A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a nego- 
tiation, therefore, according to the acceptation of 
experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 325 

ts no longer an attempt to accommodate differ- 
ences, to ascertain rights, and to establish ati equi- 
table exchange of kind offices, but a contest of 
skill between two powers, which shall overreach 
and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavor 
to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, and the chi- 
canery of cabinets, those advantages which a 
nation would otherwise have wrested by force 
of arms, — in the same manner as a conscien- 
tious highwayman reforms and becomes a quiet 
and praiseworthy citizen, contenting himself with 
cheating his neighbor out of that property he 
would formerly have seized with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can be 
said to be in a state of perfect amity is, when a 
negotiation is open, and a treaty pending. Then, 
when there are no stipulations entered into, no 
bonds to restraui the will, no specific limits to 
awaken the captious jealousy of right implanted 
in our nature, when each party has some advan- 
tage to hope and expect from tlie other, then it 
is that the two nations are wonderfully gracious 
and friendly, — their mmisters professing the high- 
est mutual resrard, exchansiuu; billets-doux, mak- 
ing fine speeches, and mdulging in all those little 
diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, 
that do so marvellously tickle the good- humor of 
the respective nations. Thus it may paradoxi- 
cally be said, that there is never so good an 
understanding between two nations as when there 
is a little misunderstanding, — and that so long 
as they are on no terms at all, they are on the 
best terms ui the world ! 



326 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

I do not by any means pretend to claim the 
merit of having made the above discovery. It 
has, in fact, long been secretly acted upon by 
certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together 
witli divers other notable theories, privately 
copied out of the commonplace book of an illus- 
trions gentleman, who lias been member of con- 
gi^ess, and enjoyed the unlimited confidence of 
heads of departments. To this principle may be 
ascribed the wonderful ingenuity shown of late 
years in protracting and interrupting negotiations. 
Hence the cunning measure of appointing as am- 
bassador some political pettifogger skilled in de- 
lays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dex- 
terous in the art of baffling argument, — or some 
blundering statesman, whose errors and miscon- 
structions may be a plea for refusing to ratify his 
enojaf»;ements. And hence, too, that most notable 
expedient, so popular with our government, of 
sending out a brace of ambassadors, — between 
whom, having each an individual will to consult, 
character to establish, and interest to promote, 
you may as well look for unanimity and concord 
as between two lovers Avith one mistress, two 
dogs witli one bone, or two naked i-ogues with 
one pair of breeches. This disagreement, tliere- 
fore, is continually breeding delays and impedi- 
ments, in consequence of which the negotiation 
goes on swimmingly — inasmuch as there is no 
piospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing 
is lost by these delays and obstacles but time ; 
and in a negotiation, according to the theory I 
have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 327 

time gained : — with what dehghtful paradoxes 
does modem political economy abound ! 

Now all that I have here advanced is so noto- 
riously true, that I almost blush to take up the 
time of my readers with treating of matters 
which must many a time have stared them in 
the face. But the proposition to which I would 
most earnestly call their attention is this, that, 
thouo:h a ne":otiation be the most harmonizin"r of 
all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is 
a great political evil, and one of the most fruitful 
sources of war. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special 
contract between individuals that did not pro- 
duce jealousies, bickerings, and often downright 
ruptures between them ; nor did I ever know of 
a treaty between two nations that did not occa- 
sion continual misunderstandings. How many 
worthy country neighbors have I known, who, 
after hving in peace and good-fellowship for years, 
have been thrown into a state of distrust, cavil- 
ling, and animosity, by some ill-starred agreement 
about fences, runs of water, and stray cattle ! 
And hov»^ many well-meaning nations, who would 
otherwise have remained in the most amicable 
disposition towards each other, have been brought 
to swords' points about the infringement or mis- 
construction of some treaty, which in an evil 
hour they had concluded, by way of making 
their amity more sure ! 

Treaties at best are but complied with so long 
as mterest requires their fulfilment ; consequently 
they are virtually binding on the weaker party 



328 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

only, or, in plain truth, they are not binding at 
all. No nation will wantonly go to war with 
another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and 
therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from vio- 
lence ; and. if it have anything to gain, I much 
question, from what I have witnessed of the 
righteous conduct of nations, whether any treaty 
could be made so strong that it could not thi'ust 
the sword tlii'ough, — nay, I would hold ten to 
one, the treaty itself would be the very source to 
which resort would be had to find a pretext 
for hostilities. 

Thus, therefore, I conclude, — that, though it 
is the best of all poUcies for a nation to keep up 
a constant negotiation with its neighbors, yet it 
is the summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled 
into a treaty ; for then comes on non-fulfilment 
and infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, 
then retaliation, then recrimination, and tiiially 
open war. In a word, negotiation is like court- 
ship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft 
looks, and endearing caresses, — but the marriage 
ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 

If my painstaking reader be not somewhat 
perplexed by the ratiocination of the foregoing 
passage, he will perceive, at a glance, that the 
Great Peter, in concluding a treaty with his east- 
em neighbors, was guilty of lamentable error in 
policy. In fact, to this unlucky agreement may be 
traced a world of bickermgs and heart-burnings, 
between the parties, al)out fimcied or pretended 
infringements of treaty-stipulations ; m all which 
the Yankees were prone to indemnify themselves 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 329 

by a " dig into the sides " of the New Nether- 
lands. But, in sooth, these border feuds, albeit 
they gave great annoyance to the good burghers 
of Manna-hata, were so pitiful in their nature, 
that a grave historian like myself, who grudges the 
time spent in anything less than the revolutions 
of states and fall of empires, would deem them 
unworthy of bemg mscribed on his page. The 
reader is, therefore, to take it for granted, though 
I scorn to waste, in the detail, that time which 
my furrowed brow and trembling hand inform 
me is invaluable, that all the wliile the Great 
Peter was occupied in those tremendous and 
bloody contests which I shall shortly rehearse ; 
there was a continued series of little, dirty, sniv- 
elling scourings, broils, and maraudings, kept up 
on the eastern fi-ontiers by the moss-troopers of 
Connecticut. But, like that mirror of chivalry, 
the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave 
these petty contests for some future Sancho Pan- 
za of an historian, while I reserve my prowess 
and my pen for achievements of higher dignity ; 
for at this moment I hear a direful and porten- 
tous note issumg from the bosom of the great 
council of the league, and resounding throughout 
the regions of the east, menacing the fame and 
fortunes of Peter Stuyvesant. I call, therefore, 
upon the reader to leave behind him all the 
paltry brawls of the Comiecticut borders, and to 
press forward with me to the relief of our favor- 1 
ite hero, who, T foresee, will be wofuUy beset by 
the implacable Yankees in the next chapter. 



830 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER V. 




now TETER STUTVESANT WAS GRIEVOUSLY BELIED BY THE GREAT COOlf* 
CIL OF THE LEAGUE ; AND HOW HE SENT ANTONY THE TRUMPETER TO 
TAKE TO THE COUNCIL A PIECE OP HIS MIND. 



^^^^HAT the reader may be aware of the 
peril at this moment menacing Peter 
Stiiyi^esant and his capital, I must re- 
mind him of the old charge advanced in the 
comicil of the lea^iie in the time of Wilham the 
Testy, that the Nederlanders were carrying on 
a trade " damnable and injurious to the colonists," 
in furnishing the savages with " guns, powther 
and shott." This, as I then suggested, was a 
crafty device of the Yankee confederacy to have 
a snug cause of war in petto^ in case any favor- 
able opportunity should present of attempting the 
conquest of the New Nederlands : the great ob- 
ject of Yankee ambition. 

Accordingly we now find, when every other 
ground of complaint had apparently been re- 
moved by treaty, this nefarious charge revived 
with tenfold virulence, and hurled like a thundei- 
bolt at the very head of Peter Stuyvesant ; hap- 
pily his head, like that of the great bull of the 
Wabash, was proof against such missiles. 

To be explicit, we ai"e told that, in the year 
1651, the great confederacy of the east accused the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 331 

imiuaculate Peter, the soul of honor and heart of 
steel, of secretly endeavoring, by gifts and prom- 
ises, to instigate the Narroheganset, Mohaque, 
and Pequot Indians, to surprise and massacre the 
Yankee settlements. '• For," as the grand coun- 
cil observed, "■ the Indians round about for divers 
hundred miles cercute seeme to have drunk 
decpe of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the 
Manhattoes against the English, whoe have 
sought theii" good, both in bodily and spirituall 
respects." 

This charge they pretended to support by the 
evidence of divers Indians, who were probably 
moved by that spirit of truth Avhich is said to 
reside in the bottle, and who swore to the fact 
as sturdily as though they had been so many 
Christian troopers. 

Though descended from a family which suf- 
fered much injury from the losel Yankees of 
those times, my great-gTandfather having had a 
yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and hav- 
ing received a pair of black eyes and a bloody 
nose in one of these border wars, and my grand- 
father, when a very little boy tending pigs, having 
been kidnapped and severely flogged by a long- 
sided Connecticut schoolmastei', — yet I should 
have passed over all these wrongs with forgive- 
ness and oblivion, — I could even have. suffered 
*liem to have broken Evei'et Ducking's head, — 
to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet 
and his ragged regiment out of doors, — to have 
carried every hog into captivity, and depopulated 
every hen-roost on the face of the eai-th with 



332 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

perfect impunity, — but this wanton attack upon 
one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes 
of modern times is too much even for me to di- 
gest, and has overset, with a single puff, the pa- 
tience of the historian, and the forbearance of 
the Dutchman. 

Oh, reader, it was false ! I swear to thee, it 
was false ! — if thou hast any respect to my 
word, — if the undeviating character for veracity, 
which I have endeavored to maintain throughout 
this work, has its due weight upon thee, thou 
wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ; 
for I pledge my honor and my immortal fame to 
thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was not 
only imiocent of this foul conspiracy, but would 
have suffered his right arm or even his wooden 
leg to consume with slow and everlasting flames, 
rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any 
other way than open, generous warfare ; — be- 
shrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully 
his honest name by such an imputation ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, though haply he may never 
have heard of a knight - errant, had as true a 
heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table 
of King Arthur. In the honest bosom of this 
heroic Dutchman dwelt the seven noble virtues 
of knighthood, flourishing among his hardy quali- 
ties like wild flowers among rocks. He was, in 
truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by nature at 
a single heat, and though little care n:ay have 
been taken to refine her workmanship, he stood 
forth a miracle of her skill. In all his dealings 
he was headstrong perhaps, but open and above- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 333 

board ; if there was anything in the whole world 
he most loathed and despised, it was cunning and 
secret wile ; " straight forward " was his motto ; 
and he would at any time rather run his hard 
head against a stone wall than attempt to get 
round it. 

Such was Peter Stuyvesant ; and if my admi* 
ration of him has on this occasion transported my 
style beyond the sober gravity which becomes 
the philosophic recorder of historic events, I must 
plead as an apology, that, though a little gray- 
headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the down- 
hill of life, I still retain a lingering spark of that 
fire which kindles in the eye of youth when 
contemplating the virtues of ancient worthies.. 
Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed be the 
good St. Nicholas, if I have indeed escaped that 
apathy which cliills the sympathies of age and 
paralyzes every glow of enthusiasm. 

The first measure of Peter Stuyvesant, on 
hearing of this slanderous charge, would have 
been worthy of a man who had studied for years 
in the chivalrous library of Don Quixote. Draw- 
ing his sword and laying it across the table, to 
put liim in proper tune, he took pen in hand and 
indited a proud and lofty letter to the council of 
tlie league, reproaching them with giving ear to 
the slanders of heathen savages against a Chris- 
tian, a soldier, and a cavalier ; declaring, that, 
whoever charged him -svith the plot in question, 
lied in his throat ; to prove which he offered to 
meet the president of the council or any o^hia 
compeers, or their champion, Captain Alicxsan- 



334 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

der Partridg, that miglitj man of Rhodes, in 
single combat, — wherein he trusted to vindicate 
his honor by the prowess of his arm. 

This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter 
and squire, Antony Van Corlear,' that man of 
emergencies, with orders to travel night and day, 
sparing neither whip nor spur, seeing that he car- 
ried the vindication of his patron's fame in his 
saddle-bags. 

The loyal Antony accomplished his mission 
with great speed and considerable loss of leather. 
He delivered his missive ^\dth becommg cere- 
mony, accompanying it vnth. a flourish of defiance 
on his trumpet to the whole council, ending with 
a significant and nasal twang full in the face of 
Captain Partridg, who nearly jumped out of his 
skin m an ecstasy of astonishment. 

The grand council was composed of men too 
cool and practical to be put readily m a heat, or 
to indulge in knight-errantry ; and above all to 
run a tilt with such a fiery hero as Peter the 
Headstrong. They knew the advantage, how- 
ever, to have always a snug, justifiable cause of 
war in reserve with a neighbor, who had terri- 
tories worth invading ; so they devised a reply 
to Peter Stuyvesant, calculated to keep up the 
" raw " which they had established. 

On receiving this answer, Antony Van Corlear 
remounted tlie Flanders mare which he always 
rode, and trotted merrily back to the Manhattoes, 
solacing himself by the way according to his 
wo»t ; twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so 
that the sweet valleys and banks of the Connect- 



BIST DRY OF NEW YORK. 335 

icut resounded with the warlike melody ; bring- 
ing all the folks to the windows as he passed 
through Hartford and Pyquag, and Middletown, 
and all the other border towns, ogling and mnk- 
ins: at the women, and makinoj aerial wind-mills 
from the end of liis nose at their husbands, and 
stopping occasionally in the villages to eat pump- 
kin-pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle 
with the Yankee lasses — whom he rejoiced 
exceedingly with his soul-stirring histrument. 



336 HTSTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER VI. 

BOW PETER STPTVESANT DEMANDED A COURT OP HONOE — AOT) %HA.1 
THE COURT OP HONOR AWARDED TO HIM. 

HE reply of the grand council to Peter 
Stuyvesant was couched in the coolest 
and most diplomatic language. They 
assured him that "his confident denials of the 
barbarous plot alleged against him would weigh 
little against the testimony of divers sober and 
respectable Indians " ; that " his guilt was proved 
to their perfect satisfaction," so that they must 
still require and seek due satisfaction and secu- 
rity ; ending with — " so we rest, sir — Yours 
in ways of righteousness." 

1 forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter 
roared and ramped at finding himself more and 
more entangled in the meshes thus artfully drawn 
round him by the knowing Yankees. Impatient, 
however, of suffering so gross an aspersion to 
rest upon his honest name, he sent a second" mes- 
senger to the council, reiterating his denial of the 
treachery imputed to him, and offering to submit 
his conduct to the scrutiny of a court of honor. 
His offer was readily accepted ; and now he 
looked forward Avith confidence to an august tri- 
bimal to be assembled at the Manhattoes, formed 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 337 

of high-minded cavaliers, peradventure governors 
and commanders of the confederate plantations, 
-when the matter might be investigated by his 
peers, in a mamier befitting his rank and dignity. 

Wliile he was awaiting the arrival of such 
liigh functionaries, behold, one sunshiny afternoon 
there rode into tlie great gate of the Manhattoes 
two lean, hungry-looking Yankees, mounted on 
Nnrraganset pacers, with saddle-bags under their 
bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, 
who looked marvellously like two pettifogging 
attorneys beating the hoof from one county court 
io another in quest of lawsuits ; and, in sooth, 
though they may have passed under different 
names at the time, I have reason to suspect they 
were the identical varlets who had negotiated the 
worthy Dntch commissioners out of the Connect- 
icut river. 

It was a rule with these indefatigable mission- 
aries never to let the grass grow under their feet. 
Scarce had they, therefore, alighted at the inn 
and deposited their saddle-bags, than they made 
their way to the residence of the governor. 
They found him, according to custom, smoking 
his afternoon pipe on the " stoop," or bench at 
the porch of his house, and announced themselves, 
at once, as commissioners sent by the grand coun- 
cil of the east to investigate the truth of certain 
charges advanced against him. 

The good Peter took his pipe from his mouth, 
and gazed at them for a moment in mute aston- 
ishment. By way of expediting business, they 
were proceeding on the spot to put some pre- 
22 



338 BIS TOE 7 OF NEW YORK. 

liimnary questions, — asking liim, perad venture, 
whetlier he pleaded guilty or not guilty, consider- 
ing him something in the light of a culprit at the 
bar, — when they were brought to a pause by 
seeing him lay down his pipe and begin to fumble 
with his walking - staff. For a moment those 
present would not have given half a crown for 
both the ci'owns of the commissioners ; but Pe- 
ter Stuyvesant repressed his mighty Avi'ath and 
stayed his hand ; he scanned the varlets from 
head to foot, satchels and all, with a look of inef- 
fable scorn ; then strode into the house, slammed 
the door after him, and commanded that they 
should never again be admitted to his presence. 

The knowmg commissioners winked to each 
other, and made a certificate on the spot that the 
governor had refused to answer their interrog- 
atories or to submit to their examination. They 
then proceeded to rummage about the city for 
two or three days, in quest of what they called 
evidence, perplexing Indians and old women with 
their cross-questioning until they had stuffed their 
satchels and saddle-bags with all kinds of apoc- 
ryphal tales, rumors, and calumnies ; with these 
they mounted then* Narraganset pacers and trav- 
elled back to the gi-and council ; neither did the 
proud-hearted Peter trouble himself to hinder 
their researches nor impede their departure ; he 
was too mindful of their saci*ed character as 
envoys ; but I warrant me, had they played the 
Bame tricks with William the Testy, he would 
have had them tucked up by the waistband and 
treated to an aerial gambol on his patent gallows. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 339 



CHAPTER Vn. 



EOW " DRUM ECCLESIASTIC " WAS BEATEN THROUGHOUT CONNECTICUT 
FOR A CRUSADE AGAINST THE NEW NETHERLANDS, AND HOW rBTEB 
STUTVESANT TOOK MEASURES TO FORTIFY HIS CAPITAL. 



HE grand council of the east held a 
solemn meetin«: on the return of their 



K^^ 



)^:?^M. envoys. As no advocate appeared in 
behalf of Peter Stuyvesant, everything went 
against him. His haughty refusal to submit to 
the questioning of the commissioners was con- 
strued into a consciousness of guilt. The con- 
tents of the satchels and saddle-bags were pom'ed 
forth before the council and appeared a mountain 
of evidence. A pale, bihous orator took the 
floor, and declaimed for hours and in belligerent 
terms. He was one of those furious zealots who 
blows the bellows of faction until the whole fur- 
nace of politics is red-hot Avitli sparks and cin- 
ders. What was it to him if he should set the 
house on fire, so that he might boil his pot by 
the blaze. He was from the borders of Connect- 
icut ; his constituents lived by marauding their 
Dutch neighbors, and were the greatest poachers 
in Christendom, excepting the Scotch border no- 
bles. His eloquence had its effect, and it waa 
determined to set on foot an expedition against 
the Nieuw Nederlands. 



340 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

It \7as necessary, however, to prepare the pub- 
lic mind for this measure. Accordingly the argu- 
ments of the orator were echoed from the pulpit 
for several succeeding Sundays, and a crusade 
was preached up against Peter Stuyvesjmt and 
Iiis devoted city. 

This is the first we hear of the " drum ecclesi- 
astic" beating up for recruits in worldly warfare 
in our country. It has since been called into 
frequent use. A cunning politician often lurks 
under the clerical robe ; things spiritual and 
things temporal are strangely jumbled together, 
like drugs on an apothecary's shelf; and instead 
of a peaceful sermon, the simple seeker after 
righteousness has often a political pamphlet thrust 
down his throat, labelled with a pious text from 
Scripture. 

And now nothing was talked of but an expe- 
dition against the Manhattoes. It pleased the 
populace, who had a vehement prejudice against 
the Dutch, considering them a vastly inferior 
race, Avho had sought the new world for the lucre 
of gain, not the liberty of conscience ; who were 
mere heretics and infidels, inasmuch as they re- 
fused to beUeve in witches and sea-serpents, and 
had faith in the virtues of horse -shoes nailed to 
the door ; ate pork without molasses ; held pump- 
kins in contempt, and were in perpetual breach 
of the eleventh commandment of all true Yan- 
kees, " Thou shalt have codfish dinners on Satur- 
days." 

No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of 
the storm that was brewing in the east than he 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 341 

Bet to work to prepare for it. He was not one 
of those economical rulers, who postpone tlie 
expense of fortifymg until the enemy is at the 
door. There is nothing, he would say, that keeps 
off enemies and crows more than the smell of 
gunpowder. He proceeded, therefore, with all 
diligence, to put the province and its metropolis 
in a posture of defence. 

Am.ong the remnants which remained from 
the days of William the Testy were the militia 
laws, — by wliich the inhabitants were obliged to 
turn out twice a year, with such military equip- 
ments as it pleased God, — and were put under 
the command of tailors and man-milliners, who, 
though on ordinary occasions they might have 
been the meekest, most pippin-hearted little men 
in the world, were very devils at parade, when 
they had cocked hats " on iheir heads and swords 
by their sides. Under the instructions of these 
periodical warriors, the peaceful burghers of the 
Manhattoes were schooled in iron war, and be- 
came so hardy in the process of time, that they 
could march through sun and rain, from one end 
of the town to the other, without flinching, — and 
so intrepid and adroit, that they could face to 
the right, wheel to the left, and fire without 
vv^inking or bhnking. 

Peter Stuyvesant, like all old soldiers who 
Uive seen service and smelt gimpowder, had no 
great respect for militia troops ; however, he de- 
termined to give them a trial, and accordingly 
called for a general muster, inspection, and re- 
view Bui, oh Mars and Bellona ! what a turn- 



342 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ing-out was here ! Here came old Roelant Cuck- 
aburt, with a short bhmderbuss on his shoulder, 
and a long horseman's sword trailing by his side ; 
and Barent Dirkson, with something that looked 
like a copper kettle turned upsidedown on his 
head, and a couple of old horse - pistols in his 
belt ; and Dirk Volkertson, with a long duck fovvl- 
mg-piece without any ramrod ; and a host more, 
armed higgledy-piggledy, — with swords, hatchets, 
snickersnees, crowbars, broomsticks, and what 
not ; the officers distinguished from the rest by 
having their slouched hats cocked up with pins, 
and surmounted with cock-tail feathers. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host 
with some such rueful aspect as a man would 
eye the devil, and determined to give his feath- 
er-bed soldiers a seasoning. He accordingly put 
them through their manual exercise over and 
over agam ; trudged them backwards and for- 
wards about the streets of New Amsterdam until 
their short le^is ached and their fat sides sweated 
again ; and finally encamped them in the evening 
on the summit of a hill without the city, to give 
them a taste of camp - life, intending tlie next 
day to renew the toils and perils of the field. 
But so it came to pass that in the night tJieie 
fell a great and heavy rain, and melted away 
the army, so that in the morning, when Gafl'er 
Phoebus shed his first beams upon the camp, 
Bearce a warrior remained except Peter Stuyve- 
Bant and his trumpeter Van Corlear. 

This awful desolation of a whole army would 
have appalled a commander of less nerve ; but it 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 343 

served to confirm Peter's want of confidence in 
the militia system, which he thenceforward used 
to call, in joke, — for he sometimes indulged in a 
joke, — William the Testy's broken reed. He 
now took into his service a goodly number of 
burly, broad-shouldered, broad-bottomed Dutch- 
men ; whom he paid in good silver and gold, and 
of whom he boasted, that, whether they could 
stand fij'e or not, they were at least water- 
proof. He fortified the city, too, with pickets and 
palisadoes, extending across the island from river 
to river, and, above all, cast up mud batteries, 
or redoubts, on the pomt of the island where it 
divided the beautiful bosom of the bay. 

These latter redoubts, in process of time, came 
to be pleasantly overrun by a carpet of grass and 
clover, and overshadowed by wide-spreading elms 
and sycamores, among the branches of which 
the birds would build their nests and rejoice the 
ear with their melodious notes. Under these 
trees, too, the old burghers would smoke their 
afternoon pipe, contemplating the golden sun as 
he sank in the west, an emblem of the tranquil 
end toward which they were declming. Here, 
too, would the young men and maidens of the 
town take their evening stroll, watching the sil- 
ver moonbeams as they trembled along the calm 
bosom of the bay, or lit up the sail of some glid- 
uig bark, and peradventure interchanging the soft 
vows of honest affection, — for to evening strollg 
in this favored spot were traced most of the mar- 
riages in New Amsterdam, 

Such was the origin of that renowned prome- 



344 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

nade, The Battery, which, though ostensibl) 
devoted to the stern purposes of war, has ever 
been consecrated to the sweet dehghts of peace 
The scene of many a gambol hi happy child- 
hood, — of many a tender assignation in ripei 
years, — of many a soothing walk in declinino 
aore, — the healthful resort of the feeble invalid, 
— the Sunday refreshment of the dusty trades- 
man, — in fine, the ornament and delight of 
New York, and the pride of the lovely island 
of Maima-hata. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 3dfl 




CHAPTER Vm. 

■OW THE YANKEE CRUSADE AGAINST THE NEW NETHERLANDS WA8 
BAFFLED BY THE SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF WITCHCRAFT AMONG tOI 
PEOPLE OF THE EAST. 

AVING thus provided for the temporary 
security of New Amsterdam, and guard- 
ed it against any sudden surprise, the 
gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snufF, and 
snapping his fingers, set the great council of Aju- 
phictyons and their champion, the redoubtable 
AJicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In the mean 
time the moss-troopers of Connecticut, the war- 
riors of New Haven and Hartford, and Pyquag, 
otherwise called Weathersfield, famous for its 
onions and its witches, and of all the other bor- 
der-towns, were in a prodigious tunnoil, furbish- 
ing up their rusty weapons, shouting aloud for 
war, and anticipating easy conquests, and glori- 
ous rummaging of the fat little Dutch villages. 

In the midst of these warlike preparations, 
however, they received the chilling news that the 
colony of Massachusetts refused to back them in 
this righteous war. It seems that the gallant 
conduct of Peter Stuyvesant, the generous 
warmth of his vindication, and the chivalrous 
Bpirit of his defiance, tliough lost upon the grand 
c»uncil of the league, had carried conviction to 



S46 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the general court of Massachusetts, which nobly 
refused to believe him guilty of the villanous 
plot laid at his door.^ 

Tlie defection of so important a colony para- 
lyzed the councils of the league, some such dis- 
sension arose among its members as prevailed 
of yore in the camp of the brawling warriors of 
Greece, and in the end the crusade against the 
Manhattoes was abandoned. 

It is said that the moss-troopers of Connecti- 
cut were sorely disappointed ; but well for them 
that their bellio-erent cravino-s were not 2:ratified : 

o o 

for by my faith, whatever might have been the 
ultimate result of a conflict with all the powers 
of the east, in the interim the stoma chful heroes 
of Pyquag would have been choked with their 
owai onions, and all the border-towns of Coimecti- 
cut would have had such a scourino from the 
lion-hearted Peter and his robustious myrmidons, 
that I warrant me they would not have had the 
stomach to squat on the land or invade the hen- 
roost of a Nederlander for a century to come. 

But it was not merely tlie refusal of INIassa- 
chusetts to join in their unholy crusade that con- 
founded the councils of the league ; for about 
this time broke out in the New-England pro\- 
mces the awful plague ©f witchcraft, which 
spread like pestilence thi'ough the h\nd. Such 
a howling abomination could not bo suffered to 
remain long unnoticed ; it soon excited the fiery 
indignation of tliose guardians of the common- 
wealth who whilom had evinced such active 

1 Hazard's State Papers. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 347 

benevolence in the conversion of Quakers and 
Anabaptists. The grand council of the league 
publicly set their faces agamst the crime, and 
bloody laws were enacted against all " solem con- 
versing or compacting with the divil by way of 
conjuracion or the like." ^ Strict search, too, was 
made after \vitches, who were easily detected Ijy 
devil's pinches, — by being able to weep but 
three tears, and those out of the left eye, — and 
by having a most suspicious predilection for black 
cats and broomsticks ! Wliat is particularly wor- 
thy of admiration is, that this terrible art, which 
has baffled the studies and researches of philoso- 
phers, astrologers, theurgists, and other sages, 
was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, de- 
crepit, and ugly old women in the community, 
with scarce more brains than the broomsticks 
they rode upon. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, 
who dearly love to be in a panic, are always 
ready to keep it up. Raise but the cry of yel- 
low fever, and immediately every headache, in- 
digestion, and overflowing of the bile is pro- 
nounced the terrible epidemic ; cry out mad dog, 
and every unlucky cur in the street is in jeop- 
ardy : so in the present instance, whoevei' was 
troubled with colic or lumbago was sure to be 
bewitched, — and woe to any unlucky old woman 
living m the neigliborhood ! 

It is incredible the number of offences that 
wore detected, " for every one of which," says 
tlie reverend Cotton Mather, m that excellent 
1 New Plymouth record. 



348 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

work the History of New England, " we lla^'e 
Rucli a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable 
man in this whole country ever did question 
them ; and it will he unreasonable to do it in any 
other:' 1 

Lideed, that authentic and judicious historian 
John Josselyn, Gent., furnishes us with unques- 
tionable facts on this subject. " There are none," 
observes he, " that beg in this country, but there 
be witches too many, — bottle-bellied witches, 
and others, that produce many strange apparitions, 
if you will believe report, of a shallop at sea 
manned with women, — and of a ship and great 
red horse standing by the main-mast ; the ship 
being in a small cove to the eastward, vanished 
of a sudden," etc. 

The number of delinquents, however, and 
their magical devices, were not more remarkable 
than their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted 
in the most solemn, persuasive, and affectionate 
manner to confess thems^elves guilty, and be burnt 
for the good of religion and the entertainment of 
the public, yet did they most perthiaciously per- 
sist in asserting their innocence. Such incredi- 
ble obstinacy was in itself deserving of immedi- 
ate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof 
wei'c necessary, that they were in league with 
the devil, who is perverseness itself But their 
judges were just and merciful, and were deter- 
mined to pifnish none that were not convicted on 
the best of testimony ; not that they needed any 
evidence to satisfy their own mmds, — for, like 
1 Mather's Hist. New Eng. B. 6, ch. 7 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 349 

true and experienced judges, their minds were 
perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly sat- 
isfied of the guilt of the prisoners before they 
proceeded to try them, — but still something was 
necessary to convince the community at large, — 
to quiet those prying quidnuncs who should come 
after them, — m short, the world must be satis- 
fied. Oh, the world — the world ! — all the 
world knows the world of trouble the world is 
eternally occasioning ! The worthy judges, there- 
fore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, de- 
tecting, and making evident as noonday, matters 
which were at the commencement all- clearly 
understood and firmly decided upon in their own 
pericidniums, — so that it may truly be said, that 
the witches were burnt to gratify the populace 
of the day, but were tried for the satisfaction 
of the whole world that should come after them ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, 
sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail 
on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the 
more urgent arguments of torture ; and having 
thus absolutely wrung the truth from their stub- 
born lips, they condemned them to undergo the 
roastmg due unto the heinous crimes they had 
confessed. Some even carried their perverseness 
so fai' as to expire under the torture, protesting 
their innocence to the last; but these were looked 
upon as thoroughly and absolutely possessed by 
the devil ; and the pious by-standers only lamented 
that they had not lived a little longer, to have 
perished in the flames. 

In the city of Ephesus, we are told that the 



350 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beg« 
gar to death, whom ApoUonius pointed out as 
being the evil spirit that caused it, and who 
actually showed himself to be a demon, by 
changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, 
and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary 
check was given to this growing evil. The 
witches were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck, 
and in a little while there was not an ugly old 
woman to be found throughout New England, — 
which is doubtless one reason why all the young 
women there are so handsome. Those honest folk 
who had suffered from their incantations gi'ad- 
ually recovered, excepting such as had been af- 
flicted with twitches and aches, which, however, 
assumed the less alarjning aspects of rheuma- 
tisms, sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the good peo- 
ple of New England, abandoning the study of 
the occult sciences, turned their attention to the 
more profitable hocus-pocus of trade, and soon 
became expert in the legerdemain art of turning 
a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old 
leaven is discernible, even unto this day, in their 
characters : witches occasionally start up among 
them in different disguises, as physicians, civil- 
ians, and divines. The people at large show a 
keenness, a cleverness, and a profundity of Avis- 
dom, that savors strongly of witchcraft ; and it 
has been remarked, that, whenever any stones 
fall from the moon, the greater part of them is 
Biire to tumble into New England ! 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. / 35i 



CHAPTER IX. 

ITHIOH RECORDS THE RISE AND RENOWN OF A MILITARY COMMANDKE , 
SHOWING THAT A MAN, LIKE A BLADDER, MAT BE PUFFED UP TO GREAT- 
NESS BY MERE WIND ; TOGETHER WITH THE CATASTROPHE OF A VET- 
ERAN AND HIS QUEUE. 

EN treating of these tempestuous 
^ times, the unknown writer of the Stuy- 
isS vesant manuscript breaks out into an 
apostrophe in praise of the good St. Nicholas, to 
whose protecting care he ascribes the dissensions 
which broke out in the -council of the league, and 
the direful witchcraft which filled all Yankee 
land as with Egyptian darkness. 

A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering 
over the fair valleys of the East: the pleasant 
banks of the Connecticut no longer echoed to the 
sounds of rustic gayety ; grisly phantoms glided 
about each wild brook and silent glen ; fearful 
apparitions were seen in the air ; strange voi(.e3 
were heard in solitary places ; and the border* 
to"\vns were so occupied in detecting and punish- 
ing losel witches, that, for a time, all talk of war 
was suspended, and New Amsterdam and its iii- 
habitants seemed to be totally forgotten. 

I must not conceal the fact that at one time 
there was some danger of this plague of witch- 
craft extending into the New Netherlands ; and 



352 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

certain witches, mounted on broomsticks, are said 
to have been seen whisking in the air over some 
of the Dutch villages near the borders ; but the 
worthy Nederlanders took the precaution to nail 
horse-shoes to their doors, which it is well known 
are effectual barriers against all diabolical vermui 
of the kind. Many of those horse-shoes may be 
seen at this very day on ancient mansions and 
barns remaining from the days of the patriarchs ; 
nay, the custom is still kept up among some of 
our legitimate Dutch yeomanry, who inherit from 
their forefathers a desire to keep witches and 
Yankees out of the country. 

And now the great Peter, having no imme- 
diate hostility to apprehend from the east, 
turned his face, with characteristic vigilance, to 
his southern frontiers. The attentive reader will 
recollect that certain freebooting Swedes had be- 
come very troublesome in this quarter in the 
latter part of the reign of William the Testy, 
setting at naught the proclamations of that veri- 
table potentate, and putting his admiral, the in- 
trepid Jan Jansen Alpendam, to a perfect non- 
plus. To check the incursions of these Swedes, 
Peter Stuyvesant now ordered a force to that 
frontier, giving the command of it to General 
Jacobus Van Poffenburgh, an officer who had 
risen to great importance during the reign of 
Wilhelmus Kieft. He had, if histories speak 
true, been second in command to the doughty 
Van Curlet, when he and his warriors were in- 
humanly kicked out of Fort Goed Hoop by the 
Yankees. In that memorable affair Van Poffen- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 353 

burgh is said to have received more kicks in a 
certain honorable part than any of liis comrades, 
in consequence of which, on the resignation of 
Van Curlet, he had been promoted to his place, 
being considered a hero who had seen service, 
and suffered in his country's cause. 

It is tropically observed by honest old Soc- 
rates, that heaven infuses into some men at their 
birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others of 
intellectual silver, while others are intellectually 
furnished with u'on and brass. Of the last class 
was General Van Poffenburgh ; and it would 
seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be 
partial, had given him brass enough for a dozen 
ordinary braziers. All this he had contrived to 
pass off upon WiUiam the Testy for genuine gold ; 
and the little governor would sit for hours and 
Usten to his gunpowder stories of exploits, which 
left those of Tirante the White, Don BeUanis of 
Greece, or St. George and the Dragon quite in 
the background. Having been promoted by 
WilHam Kieft to the command of his whole 
disposable forces, he gave importance to his sta- 
tion by the grandiloquence of his bulletins, 
always styling himself Commander-in-chief of 
the Armies of the New Netherlands, though in 
sober truth, these armies were nothing more than 
a handful of hen-steahng, bottle-bruising raga- 
muffins. 

In person he was not very tall, but exceed- 
ingly round ; neither did his bulk proceed from 
his being fat, but vvdndy, being blo^vn up by a 
prodigious conviction of his own importance, until 
23 



354 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

he resembled one of those bags of wind given by 
.3Eolus, in an incredible fit of generosity, to that 
vagabond warrior Ulysses. His mndy endow- 
ments had long excited the admiration of Antony 
Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more 
than once to William the Testy, that in making 
Van Poffenburgh a general he had spoiled an 
admirable trumpeter. 

As it is the practice in ancient story to give 
the reader a description of the arms and equip- 
ments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a 
word upon the dress of this redoubtable com 
mander. It comported with his character, being 
so crossed and slashed, and embroidered mth lace 
and tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass 
without as nature had stored away within. He 
was swathed, too, in a crimson sash, of the size 
and texture of a fishing-net, — doubtless to keep 
his swelling heart from bursting through his ribs. 
His face glowed with furnace -heat from be- 
tween a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers ; 
and his valorous soul seemed ready to bounce 
out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, 
projectmg like those of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history 
and tradition belie not this warrior, I would give 
all the money in my pocket to have seen him 
accoutred cap-a-pie, — booted to the middle, 
eashed to the chin, collared to the ears, whiskered 
to the teeth, cro-svned with an overshadow uig 
cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten 
inches broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a 
length that I darf not mention. Thus equipped, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 355 

he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of war 
as the far-famed More, of More-hall, when he sal- 
lied forth to slay the dragon of Wantley. For 
what says the ballad ? 

" Had you but seen him in this dress, ■ 

How fierce he looked and how big, 
You would have thought him for to be 

Some Egyptian porcupig. 
He frighted all — cats, dogs, and all, 

Each cow, each horte, and each hog; 
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 

Some strange outlandish hedge-hog." ^ 

I must confess this general, with all his out- 
ward valor and ventosity, was not exactly an offi- 
cer to Peter Stuyvesant's taste, but he stood fore- 
most ill the army list of William the Testy ; and it 
is probable the good Peter, who was conscientious 
m his dealings with all men, and had his mili 
tary notions of precedence, thought it but fair to 
give him a chance of proving his right to his 
dignities. 

To this copper captain, therefore, was confided 
the command of the troops destined to protect 
the southern frontier ; and scarce had he de- 
parted for his station than bulletins began to ar- 
rive from him, describing his undaunted march 
through savage deserts, over insurmountable 
mountains, across impassable rivers, and through 
impenetrable forests, conquering vast tracts of un- 
inhabited country, and encountering more perils 
than did Xenophon in his far-famed retreat with 
his ten thousand Grecians. 

Peter Stiiyvesant read all these grandiloquent 

1 Ballad of Dragon of Wantley 



356 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

despatches with a dubious screwing of the mouth 
and shaking of the head ; but Antony Van Cor- 
lear repeated these contents in the streets and 
market-places with an appropriate flourish upon 
his trumpet, and the windy victories of the gen- 
eral resounded through the streets of New Am- 
sterdam. 

On arriving at the southern frontier, Van Pof- 
fenburgh proceeded to ei^ct a fortress, or strong- 
hold, on the South or Delaware river. At fii-st 
he bethought him to call it Fort Stuyvesant, 
in honor of the governor, — a lowly kind of 
homage prevalent in our comitry among spec- 
ulators, military commanders, and office-seekers 
of all kinds, by which our maps come to be 
studded with the names of political patrons and 
temporary great men ; in the present instance, 
Van PofFenbui'gh carried his homage to the most 
lowly degree, giving his fortress the name of 
Fort Casimir, m honor, it is said, of a favorite 
pair of brimstone trunk - breeches of his Excel- 
lency. 

As this fort will be found to give rise to im- 
portant events, it may be worth while to notice 
that it was afterwards called Nieuw Amstel, and 
was the germ of the present flourishing to^vn 
of New Castle, or, more properly speaking, No 
Castle, there being nothing of the kind on the 
premises. 

His fortress being finished, it would have done 
any man's heart good to behold the swelling dig- 
nity with which the general would stride in and 
out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 357 

find in rear, on this side and on that ; how he 
would strut backwards and forwards, in full reg- 
imentals, on the top of tlie ramparts, — like a 
vain-glorious cock-pigeon, swellmg and vaporing 
on the top of a dove-cot. 

There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like 
wind, is apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of 
newly made • soldiers, compelling them to box- 
lobby brawls and broken-headed quarrels, unless 
there can be found some more harmless way to 
give it vent. It is recorded in tlie delectable 
romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, 
being dubbed by King Alexander, did inconti- 
nently gallop into an adjacent forest and belabor 
the trees with such might and main, that he not 
merely eased off the sudden effervescence of his 
valor, but convinced the whole court that he was 
the most potent and courageous cavalier on the 
face of the earth. In like manner the command- 
er of Fort Casimir, Avhen he found his martial 
spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally 
forth into the fields and lay about him most lust- 
ily with his sabre, — decapitating cabbages by 
platoons, hewing down lofty sunflowers, wliich 
lie termed gigantic Swedes, and if, perchance, he 
espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins quietly 
basking in the sun, — " Ah ! caitiff Yankees ? " 
would he roar, " have I caught ye at last ? " — 
So sajTng, with one sweep of his sword he 
would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their 
shins to their waistbands ; by wdiich warlike 
aavoc his choler being in some sort allayed, he 
would return into the fortress with the full con- 



358 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

viction that he was a very miracle of military 
prowess. 

He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. 
Woe to any unlucky soldier who did not hold uj) 
his head and turn out his toes when on pai'ade, 
or who did not salute the general in proper style 
as he passed. Having one day, in his Bible re- 
searches, encountered the history of Absalom and 
his melancholy end, the general bethought him, 
that, in a country abounding with forests, his 
soldiers were in constant risk of a like catastro- 
phe ; he therefore, in an evil hour, issued orders 
for cropping the hair of both officers and men 
throughout the garrison. 

Now, so it happened, that among his officers 
was a sturdy veteran named Keldermeester, who 
had cherished, through a long life, a mop of hair 
not a little resemblino; the shas: of a Newfound- 
land dog, terminating in a queue like the han- 
dle of a frying-pan, and queued so tightly to 
his head that his eyes and mouth generally 
stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to 
the top of his forehead. It may naturally be 
supposed that the possessor of so goodly an np- 
pendage would resist with abhorrence an order 
condemning it to the sliears. On hearing the 
general orders, he discharged a tempest of vet- 
eran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums, 
— swore he woidd break any man's head who 
attempted to meddle with his tail, — queued it 
gtiffisr than ever, and whisked it about the garri- 
son as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Keldermeester be- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 359 

came instantly an affair of the utmost importance. 
The commander-in-chief was too enlightened ar 
officer not to perceive that the discipline of the 
garrison, the subordination and good order of the 
armies of the JSieuw Nederlands, the consequent 
safety of the whole province, and ultimately the 
dignity and prosperity of their High Mightinesses 
the Lords States General, imperiously demanded 
the docking of that stubborn queue. He decreed, 
therefore, that old Keldermeester should be pub- 
licly shorn of his glories in presence of the 
whole garrison ; the old man as resolutely stood 
on the defensive ; whereupon he was arrested, 
and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, deser- 
tion, and all the other list of offences noticed in 
the articles of war, ending mth a " videlicet, in 
wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, con- 
trary to orders." Then came on arraignments, 
and trials, and pleadings ; and the whole garrison 
was in a ferment about this mifortunate queue. 
As it is well kno^vn that the commander of a 
frontier post has the power of acting pretty much 
after his own will, there is little doubt but that 
the veteran would have been hanged or shot at 
least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, 
through mere chagrin and mortification, — and 
deserted from all earthly command, with his be- 
loved locks unviolated. His obstmacy remained 
unshaken to the very last moment, when he 
directed that he should be carried to his grave 
with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole ia 
!iis coffin. 

This magnanimous affair obtained the general 



360 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

great credit as a disciplinarian ; but it is hinted 
that he was ever afterwards subject to bad 
dreams and fearfnl visitations in the night, when 
the grizzly spectrum of old Keldermeester would 
stand sentinel by his bedside, erect as a pump, 
his etormous queue struttmg out like the handle 




BOOK VI. 

JONTAININQ THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER 
THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS 
ON THE DELAWARE. 



CHAPTER I 




tN WHICH IS EXHIBITED A WARLIKE PORTRAIT OP THE GREAT PETER — 
OP THE WINDY CONTEST OF GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH AND GEN- 
ERAL PRINTZ, AND OF THE MOSQUITO WAR ON THE DELAWARE. 

ITHERTO, most venerable and courte- 
ous reader, have I shown thee the ad- 
ministration of the valorous Stuyvesant, 
under the mild moonsliine of peace, or rather the 
grim tranquillity of awful expectation ; but now 
the war-drum rumbles from afar, the brazen 
trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude 
crash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of 
coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from 
soft repose, from golden visions and voluptuou? 
ease, where m the dulcet, " piping time of peace " 
he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No 
more in beauty's siren lap reclined, he weaves 
fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no more 



862 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

entwines with flowers his shining sword, nor 
through the livelong lazy summer's day chants 
forth his love-sick soul in madrigals. To man- 
hood roused, he spurns the amorous flute ; doffs 
from his brawny back the robe of peace, and 
clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. 
O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, 
vvdiere wanton roses breathed enervate love, he 
rears the beaming casque and noddmg plume ; 
grasps the bright shield, and shakes the ponder- 
ous lance ; or mounts with eager pride his fiery 
steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have 
you imagine that any preux chevalier, thus hide- 
ously begirt ^vith iron, existed in the city of New 
Amsterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic 
mode, in which we heroic writers always talk of 
war, thereby to give it a noble and imposmg 
aspect, — equipping our warriors with bucklers, 
helms, and lances, and such like outlandish and 
obsolete weapons, the like of which perchance 
they had never seen or heard of, — in the same 
manner tliat a cunning statuary arrays a modern 
general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a 
Caesar or an Alexander. The simple truth, then, 
of all this oratorical flourish is this, that the val- 
iant Peter Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it 
necessary to scour his rusty blade, wliicli too long 
had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to 
undergo those hardy toils of war in which his 
mighty soul so much delighted. 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my 
imagination, or, rather, I behold his goodly por- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 363 

trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion 
of the Stnjvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of 
a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of 
German blue, gorgeously decorated -svith a goodly 
show of large brass buttons, reaching from his 
waistband to his chin ; the voluminous skirts 
turned up at the corners and separating gallantly 
behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous 
pair of brimstone - colored trunk -breeches, — a 
graceful style still prevalent among the warriors 
of our day, and which is in conformity to the 
custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend 
themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding 
terrible and warUke by a pair of black musta- 
chios ; his hair strutting out on each side in 
stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a 
rat-tail queue below his waist ; a shining stock 
of black leather supporting his chin, and a little 
but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and 
fiery air over his left eye. Such was tlie chival- 
ric port of Peter the Headstrong ; and when he 
made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on 
his solid supporter, witli his wooden leg, inlaid 
with silver, a little in advance, in order to 
strengthen his position, his right hand grasping a 
gold-headed cane, his left resting upon the pum- 
mel of his sword, his head dressing spiritedly to 
tlic right, with a most appalling and hard-favored 
frown upon his brow, — he presented altogether 
one of the most commanding, bitter-looking, and 
8()ldier-like figures that ever strutted upon can- 
vas. — Proceed we now to inquire the cause of 
Miis warlike preparation. 



864 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

In the preceding chapter we have spoken of 
the founding of Fort Casimir, and of the merci- 
less warfare waged by its commander upon aab- 
bages, sunflowers, and pumpkins, for want of bet- 
ter occasion to flesh his sword. Now it came to 
pass, that, higher up the Delaware, at his strong- 
hold of Tinnekonk, resided one Jan Printz, who 
styled himself Governor of New Sweden. If 
history belie not this redoubtable Swede, he was 
a rival worthy of the windy and inflated com- 
mander of Fort Casimir, for master David Pie- 
terzen de Vrie, in his excellent book of voyages, 
describes him as " weighing upwards of four hun- 
dred pounds," a huge feeder and bowser in pro- 
portion, taking three potations pottle - deep at 
every meal. He had a garrison after his own 
heart at Timiekonk, — guzzling, deep-drinking 
swashbucklers, who made the wild woods ring 
with their carousals. 

No sooner did this robustious commander hear 
of the erection of Fort Casimir, than he sent a 
message to Van Poffenburgh, warning him off 
the land, as being within the bounds of his juris- 
diction. 

To this. General Van Poffenburgh replied that 
the land belonged to their High Mightinesses, 
liaving been regularly purchased of the natives, 
as discoverers from the Manhattoes, as witness 
the breeches of their land-measurer Ten Broeck. 

To this the governor rejoined that the land 
had previously been sold by the Indians to the 
Swedes, and consequently was under the petti- 
coat government of her Swedish majesty, Chris- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 365 

kina; and woe be to any mortal that wore 
breeches who should dare to meddle even with 
the hem of her sacred garment. 

I forbear to dilate upon the war of words 
which was kept up for some time by these windy 
commanders ; Van PofFenburgh, however, had 
served under Willi-am the Testy, and was a vet- 
eran in tills kind of warfare. Governor Printz, 
finding he was not to be dislodged by these long 
shots, now determined upon coming to closer 
quarters. Accordingly, he descended the river 
in great force and fume, and erected a rival for- 
tress just one Swedish mile below Fort Casimir, 
to which he gave the name of Helsenburg. 

And now commenced a tremejidous rivalry be- 
tween these two doughty commanders, striving to 
out-strut and out-sweU each other like a couple 
of belligerent turkey-cocks. There was a con- 
test who should run up the tallest flag-staff and 
display the broadest flag ; all day long there was 
a furious rolling of drums and twanging of trum- 
pets in either fortress, and whichever had the 
wind in its favor would keep up a continual fir- 
ing of cannon, to taunt its antagonist with the 
smell of gunpowder. 

On all these points of windy warfare the an- 
tagonists were well matched ; but so it happened, 
that, the Swedish fortress being lower down the 
river, all the Dutch vessels bound to Fort Casi- 
mir with supplies had to pass it. Governor 
Printz at once took advantage of this cu'cum- 
Btance, and compelled them to lower their flagg 
as they passed under the guns of his battery. 



866 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride 
of General Van Poffenburgh, and sorely would 
he swell when from the ramparts of Fort Casi- 
mir he beheld the flag of theii' High IMightinessea 
struck to the rival fortress. To heighten his 
vexation, Governor Printz, who, as has been 
shown, was a huge trencherman, took the liberty 
of having the fii'st rummage of every Dutch 
merchant-sliip, and securmg to himself and his 
guzzling garrison all the little round Dutch 
cheeses, all the Dutch herrings, the gingerbread, 
the sweetmeats, the curious stone jugs of gin, and 
all the other Dutch luxm-ies, on their way for the 
solace of Fort Casimir. It is possible he may 
have paid to the Dutch skippers the fuU value of 
their commodities ; but what consolation was tliis 
to Jacobus Van Poffenburgh and his garrison, who 
thus found then* favorite supplies cut off, and di- 
verted into the larders of the hostile camp ? For 
some time this war of the cupboard was carried 
on to the great festivity and jollification of the 
Swedes, while the Avarriors of Fort Casimir found 
their hearts, or rather their stomachs, daily fail- 
injr them. At leno;th the summer heats and 
summer showers set in, and now, lo and behold, 
a great mu'acle was Avrought for tlie relief of the 
Nederlands, not a little resembling one of the 
plagues of Egypt ; for it came to pass that a 
great cloud of mosquitoes arose out of the marshy 
borders of the river and settled upon the fortress 
of Helsenburg, being, doubtless, attracted by the 
Bcent of the fresh blood of these Swedish gor- 
aiandizcrs. Nay, it is said that the body of Jan 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 367 

Printz alone, which was as big and as full of 
blood as that of a prize-ox, was sufficient to 
attract the mosquitoes fi-om every part of the 
country. For some time the garrison endeavored 
to hold out, but it was all in vain ; the mosqui- 
toes penetrated into every chink and crevice, and 
gave them no rest day nor night ; and as to Gov- 
ernor Jan Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, 
with mosquito music in his ears, and mosquito 
stings to the very end of his nose. Finally the 
garrison was fairly driven out of the fortress, and 
obliged to retreat to Tinnekonk ; nay, it is said 
that the mosquitoes followed Jan Printz even 
thither, and absolutely drove him out of the coun- 
try ; certain it is, he embarked for Sweden 
shortly afterwards, and Jan Claudius Risingh 
was sent to govern New Sweden in his stead. 
Such was the famous mosquito war on the Del- 
aware, of which General.Yan Poffenburgh Avould 
fain have been the hero ; but the devout people 
of the Nieuw Nederlands always ascribed the 
discomfiture of the Swedes to the miraculous in- 
tervention of St. Nicholas. As to the fortress 
of Helsenburg, it fell to ruin ; but the story of 
its strange destruction was perpetuated by the 
Swedish name of Myggen-borg, that is to say, 
Mosquito Castle.-^ 

1 Acrelius's History X. Sweden. For some notice of thia 
miraculous discomtiture of the Swedes, see N. Y. His. Col. 
Dew eeries, Vol. I. p. 412. 



368 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER n. 




t9 JAN BISINQH, HIS GIANTLT PERSON AND CRAFTY DEEDS ; AND 0» THl 
CATASTROPHE AT FORT CASIMIR. 



!AN CLAUDIUS RISINGH, who suo 

ceeded to the command of New Swe- 
den, looms largely in ancient records as 
a gigantic Swede, who, had he not been rather 
knock-kneed and splay-footed, might have served 
for the model of a Samson or a Hercules. He 
was no less rapacious than mighty, and, withal, as 
crafty as he was rapacious ; so that there is very 
little doubt that, had he lived some four or five 
centuries since, he would have figured as one of 
those wicked giants who took a cruel pleasure 
in pocketing beautiful princesses and distressed 
damsels, when gadding about the world, and lock- 
ing them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, 
a change of Ihien, or any other convenience. In 
consequence of wliich enormities they fell under 
the high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, 
loyal, and gallant knights were instructed to at- 
tack and slay outright any miscreant they might 
liappcn to find above six feet high ; which is 
doubtless one reason why the race of large men 
is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter 
ftges are so exceedingly small. 

Governor Risingh, notwithstanding his giantly 



HISTORY OF Nhw YORK. 369 

condition, was, as I have hinted, a man of craft. 
He was not a man to ruffle the vanity of Gen- 
eral Van PofFenbm'gh, or to rub his self-conceit 
against the grain. On the contrary, as he sailed 
up the Delaware, he paused before Fort Casimir, 
displayed his flag, and fired a royal salute before 
droi)ping anchor. The salute would doubtless 
hav^e been returned, had not the guns been dis- 
mounted ; as it was, a veteran sentinel, who had 
been napping at his post, and had suffered his 
match to go out, retm*ned the compliment by dis- 
charging his musket with the spark of a pipe 
borrowed from a comrade. Governor Risingh 
accepted this as a courteous reply, and treated 
the fortress to a second salute, well knowing its 
commander was apt to be marvellously delighted 
with these little ceremonials, considering them 
so many acts of homage paid to his greatness. 
He then prepared to land with a military retinue 
of thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wil- 
derness. 

And now took place a terrible rummage and 
racket in Fort Casimir, to receive such a visitor 
Lii proper style, and to make an imposing appear- 
ance. The main guard was turned out as soon 
as possible, equipped to the best advantage in 
the few suits of regimentals, which had to do 
duty by turns with the whole garrison. One tall, 
iank fellow appeared in a little man's coat, Av^itb 
the buttons between his shoulders ; the skirts 
scarce coverinoj his bottom ; his hands hanjnno; 
like spades out of the sleeves and the coat 

linked in front by worsted loops made out of a 
24 



370 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

pair of red garters. Another had a cocked hat 
stuck on the back of his head, and decorated 
with a bunch of cock's tails ; a third had a pair 
of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels ; while 
a fourth, a little duck-legged fellow, was equipped 
in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches, which 
he held up with one hand while he grasped his 
firelock with the other. The rest were accou- 
tred in similar style, except three ragamuffins 
without shirts, and with but a pair and a half 
of breeches between them ; wherefore they were 
sent to the black hole, to keep them out of sight, 
that they might not disgrace the fortress. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed, — those 
who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pick- 
axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his 
shirt-tail and pull up his brogues, — General 
Van Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of 
foaming ale, Avhich, like the magnanimous More 
of More-hall,^ was his invariable practice on all 
great occasions ; this done, he put himself at 
their head, and issued forth from his castle, like 
a mighty giant, just refreshed with wine. But 
when the two heroes met, then began a scene of 
warlike parade that beggars all description. The 
shrewd Risuigh, who had grown gray much 
before his time in consequence of his craftiness, 
saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great 
Van Poffenburgh, and humored him in all hia 
valorous fantasies. 

1 " as soon as he rose, 

To make hirn strong and might}', 
He drank by the tale, six pots of ale, 
And a quart of aqua vitas." 

Dragon of Wantle^i. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 371 

Their detaclinients were accordingly drawn up 
in front of each other ; they carried arms and 
they presented arms ; they gave the standing 
salute and the passing salute ; they rolled their 
drums, they flourished their lifes, and they waved 
their colors ; they faced to the left, and they 
faced to the right, and they faced to the right- 
about ; they Avlieeled forward, and they wheeled 
backward, and they wheeled hito echellon ; they 
marched and they countermarclied, by grand di- 
visions, by single divisions, and by subdivisions ; 
by platoons, by sections, and by files ; in quick 
time, in slow time, and in no time at all ; for, 
havino- ofone throuorli all the evolutions of two 
great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres 
of Dundas ; having exhausted all they could rec- 
ollect or imagine of military tactics, including 
Bundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like 
of which were never seen before nor since, ex- 
cepting among certain of our newly raised mili- 
tia, — the two commanders and their respective 
troop's came at length to a dead halt, completely 
exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two 
valiant train-band captains, or two buskined the- 
atric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, 
Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighthig 
tragedy, marshal their gallows - looking, duck- 
legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons with more glory 
^nd self-admiration. 

These military compliments being finished, 
General Van Potfenburgh escorted his illustrious 
visitor, Avith great ceremony, into the Fort ; at- 
tended him throughout tiie fortifications ; showed 



872 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

liim the horn-works, crown-works, half -moons, 
and various other outworks, or rather the places 
whei'e they ought to be erected, and where they 
might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demon- 
strating that it was a place of "great capability," 
and tiiough at present but a little redoubt, yet 
that it was evidently a formidable fortress, in 
embryo. This survey over, he next had the 
whole garrison put under arms, exercised, and 
reviewed ; and concluded by ordering the three 
bridewell birds to be hauled- out of the black 
hole, brought up to the halberds, and soundly 
flogged, for the amusement of his visitor, and to 
convhice him that he was a great disciplinarian. 

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to 
be struck dumb outright with the puissance of 
the great Van Poffenburgh, took silent note of 
the incompetency of his garrison, — of which he 
gave a wink to his trusty followers, who tipped 
eacli other tlie wink, and laughed most obstreper- 
ously — in their sleeves. 

Tiie inspection, review, and flogging being 
concluded, the party adjourned to the table ; for 
among his other great qualities, the general was 
remarkably addicted to huge carousals, and in 
one afternoon's campaign would leave more dead 
men on tlie field than he ever did in the wlicle 
course of his military career. Many bidletins 
of these bloodless victories do still remain on 
record ; and the whole province was once thrown 
in amaze by tlie return of one of his campaigns, 
wherein it was stated, that, though, like Captain 
Bobadil, he had only tAventy men to back hini^ 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 373 

yet in the short space of six months he had con- 
quered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, ninety 
hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages^ 
one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred 
and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand 
seven hundred ar.d thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight 
pounds of sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, 
besides sundry small meats, game, poultry, and 
garden-stuff: — an achievement unparalleled since 
the days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring 
army, and which showed that it was only neces- 
sary to let Van Poffenburgh and his garrison 
loose in an enemy's country, and in a little while 
they would breed a famine, and starve all the 
inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received 
intimation of the visit of Governor Rismgh, than 
he ordered a great dinner to be prepared, and 
privately sent out a detachment of his most ex- 
perienced veterans, to rob all the hen-roosts in 
the neighborhood, and lay the pig-sties under 
contribution, — a service which they discharged 
with such zeal and promptitude, that the gar- 
rison-table groaned under the weight of their 
spoils. 

I wish, with all my heart, my readers could 
Bee the valiant Van Poffenburgh, as he presided 
at the head of the banquet ; it was a sight "worth 
beholding : — there he sat, in his greatest glory, 
Biu-rounded by his soldiers, like that famous Avine- 
bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did 
most ably imitate, — telling astonisliing stories 
af his hair-breadth adventures and lieroic ex- 



374 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ploits ; at which, though all his auditors knew 
them to be incontinent lies and outrageous gas- 
conadoes, yet did they cast up their eyes in 
admiration, and utter many mterjections of aston- 
ishment. Nor could the general pronounce any- 
thing that bore the remotest resemblance to a 
joke, but the stout Risingh would strike his 
brawny fist upon the table till every glass rattled 
again, throw himself back in the chair, utter 
gigantic peals of laughter, and swear most horri- 
bly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. 
Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous ca- 
rousal within Fort Casimir ; and so lustily did 
Van Poffenburgh ply the bottle, that in less than 
four short hours he made himself and his whole 
garrison, who all sedulously emulated the deeds 
of their chieftain, dead drunk, with singing songs, 
quaffing bumpers, and drinking patriotic toasts, 
none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedi- 
gree or a plea in chancery. 

No sooner did tilings come to this pass, than 
Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept 
themselves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied 
them neck and heels, and took formal possession 
of the fort, and all its dependencies, in the name 
of Queen Christina of Sweden, administering at 
the same time an oath of allegiance to all the 
Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enough 
to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortification 
in order, appointed his disci'eet and vigilant friend 
Suen Schute, otherwise called Skytte, a tall, 
wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, to the com- 
mand, and departed, bearing with him this truly 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 375 

amiable garrison and its puissant commander, 
who, when brought to himself by a sound drub- 
bing, bore no httle resemblance to a " deboshed 
fish," or bloated sea-monster, caught upon di*y 
land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done 
\o prevent the transmission of intelligence to 
New Amsterdam : for much as the cunnino; His- 
ingh exulted in his stratagem, yet did he dread 
the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant, 
whose name spread as much terror in the neigh- 
borhood as did whilom that of the unconquera- 
ble Scanderbeg among his scurvy enemies the 
Turka 



376 HISTORY OF NjlW YORK. 




CHAPTER m. 

snowiNQ now profouxd secrets are often brought to light ; with 

THE PROCEEDINGS OP PETER THE HEADSTRONG WHEN HE HEARD Of 
THE MISP:)RTUNES OF GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH. 

HOEVER first described common fame, 
or rumor, as belonging to the sager sex, 
was a very o^^4 for shrewdness. She 
has in truth certain feminine qualities to an 
astonishing degree, particularly that benevolent 
anxiety to take care of the affairs of others, 
which keeps her continually hunting after secrets, 
and gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever 
is done openly and in the face of the world, she 
takes but transient notice of; but whenever a 
transaction is done m a corner, and attempted to 
be shrouded in mysteryj then her goddess-ship is 
at her wit's end to find it out, and takes a most 
mischievous and lady-like pleasure m publishing 
it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity which in- 
duces her continually to be pryuig into the cab- 
inets of princes, listening at the key-holes of 
senate - chambers, and peering tlirough chinks 
and crannies, when our worthy Congress are 
sitting with closed doors, deliberating between 
a dozen excellent modes of ruining the nation. 
It is this which makes her so baneful to all 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 377 

wary statesmen and intriguing comraanclers, — ^ 
Bucli a stumbling-block to private negotiations and 
secret expeditions, — betraying them by means 
and instruments which never would have been 
thought of by any but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort 
Ctusimu'. No doubt the cunning Risingh imag- 
uied, that, by securing the garrison, he should for 
a long time prevent the history of its fate from 
reaching the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ; but 
his exploit was blown to the world when he least 
expected, and by one of the last beings he would 
ever have suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to 
the wide-mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a 
kuid of hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to 
belong to nobody, and in a manner to be self-out- 
lawed. He was one of those vagabond cosmopo- 
lites who shark about the world as if they had 
no right or business in it, and who uifest the 
skirts of society like poachers and interlopers. 
Every garrison and country village has one or 
more scape-goats of this kind, whose hfe is a 
kind of enigma, whose existence is without mo- 
tive, who comes from the Lord knows where, 
who lives the Lord knows how, and who seems 
created for no other earthly purpose but to keep 
up the ancient and honorable order of idleness. 
This vagrant philosopher was supposed to have 
some Indian blood in his veins, which was mani- 
fested by a certain Indian complexion and cast 
of countenance, but more especially by his pro- 
pensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow 



378 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

swift of foot, and long-winded. He was gen* 
ei'ally equipped in a half Lidian dress, with belt, 
leo":in<2:s, and moccasons. His hair hiinji: in 
straight gallows-locks about his ears, and added 
not a little to his sharking demeanor. It is an 
old remark, that persons of Indian mixture are 
half civilized, half savage, and half devil, — a 
third half being provided for their particular 
convenience. It is for similar reasons, and prob- 
ably with equal truth, that the backwoodsmen 
of Kentucky are styled half man, half horse, 
and half alligator, by the settlers on the Missis 
sippi, and held accordmgly in great respect and 
abhorrence. 

The above character may have presented itself 
to the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, 
whom they fiimiliarly dubbed Gallows Dirk. 
Certain it is, he acknowled^-ed alleo-iance to no 
one, — was an utter enemy to work, holding it 
in no manner of estimation, — but lounging about 
the fort, depending upon chance for a subsistence, 
getting drunk whenever he could get liquor, and 
stealing whatever he could lay his hands on. 
Every day or two he was sure to get a sound 
rib-roasting for some of his misdemeanors, wliich, 
however, as it broke no bones, he made very 
light of, and scrupled not to repeat the oifence 
whenever another opportunity presented. Some- 
times, in consequence of some flagrant villany, he 
would abscond from the garrison, and be absent 
for a month at a time, skulking about the woods 
and swamps, with a long fowling-piece on his 
shoulder, lying in ambush for game, — or squat- 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 879 

ting himself down on tlie edge of a pond, catch- 
ing fish for hours together, and bearing no little 
resemblance to that notable bird of the crane 
family, ycleped the Mudpoke. When he thought 
his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he 
would sneak back to the fort with a bundle .>f 
Bkins, or a load of poultry, which, perchance, he 
had stolen, and would exchange them for liquoi', 
with which having Avell soaked his carcass, he 
would lie in the sun and enjoy all the luxurious 
indolence of that s^^'inish philosopher Diogenes. 
He was the terror of all the farm- yards in the 
country into which he made fearful inroads ; and 
sometimes he would make his sudden appearance 
in the garrison at daybreak, with the whole 
neighborhood at his heels, — like the scoundrel 
thief of a fox, detected in his maraudings and 
hunted to his hole. Such was tliis Dirk Schui- 
ler ; and from the total indifference he showed to 
the world and its concerns, and .from his truly 
Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one would 
ever have dreamt that he would have been the 
publisher of the treachery of Risingh. 

When the carousal was going on, which proved 
so fatal to the brave Poffenburgh and his watch- 
ful garrison. Dirk skulked about from room to 
room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or use- 
less hound, whom nobody noticed. But though 
a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn 
people, his eyes and ears were always open, and 
in the course of his prowlings he overheard the 
whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately 
settled in liis own mind how he should turn the 



880 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

matter to his own advantage. He played the 
perfect jack-of-both-sides, that is to savj he made 
a prize of everything that came in his reach, 
robbed both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked 
hat of the puissant Van PofFenburgh on liis head, 
whipped a huge pair of Risingh's jack -boots 
under his arms, and took to his heels just before 
the catastrophe and confusion at the garrison. 

Finding himself completely dislodged from his 
haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight to- 
wards his native place. New Amsterdam, Avhence 
he had formerly been obliged to abscond precip- 
itately, in consequence of misfortune in busi- 
ness, — that is to say, having been detected in 
the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many 
days in the woods, toiling through swamps, ford- 
ing brooks, swimming various rivers, and encoun- 
tering a world of hardships that would have 
killed any other being but an Indian, a back- 
woodsman, or tlje devil, he at length arrived, half 
famished, and lank as a starved weasel, at Com- 
munipaw, where he stole a canoe, and paddled 
over to New Amsterdam. Immediately on land- 
ing, he repaired to Governor Stuyvesant, and, in 
more words than he had ever spoken before in 
the whole course of his life, gave an account of 
the disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant 
Peter started from his seat, dashed the pipe he 
was smoking against the back of the chimney, 
thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco into his left 
cheek, pulled up his galligaskins, and strode up 
and down the room, humming, as was customary 



U I STORY OF NEW YoRK. 381 

with him when iii a passion, a hideous northwest 
ditty. But, as I have before sho^vn, he was not 
a man to vent his spleen in idle vaporing. His 
first measure, after the paroxysm of wrath had 
subsided, was to stump up-stairs to a huge wooden 
chest, which served as his armory, from whence 
he drew forth that identical suit of regimentals 
described in the preceding chapter. In these 
portentous habiliments he arrayed himself like 
Achilles in the armor of Vulcan, maijitaining all 
the while an appalling silence, knitting his brows, 
and drawing^ his breath tlirou5:h his clenched 
teeth. Being hastily equipped, lie strode down 
into the parlor and jerked down his trusty sword 
from over the fireplace, where it was usually suS' 
pended ; but before he girded it on his thigh, he 
drew it from its scabbard, and as liis eye coursed 
along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his 
iron visage ; it was the first smile that had 
visited his countenance for five long weeks ; but 
every one who beheld it prophesied that there 
would soon be warm work in the province ! 

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war de- 
picted in each feature, his very cocked hat assum- 
ing an air of uncommon defiance, he instantly 
put himself upon the alert, and despatched Anto- 
ny Van Corlear liither and thither, this way and 
that way, through all the muddy streets and 
crooked lanes of the city, summoning by sound 
of trumpet his trusty peers to assemble m instant 
x>uncil. This done, by way of expediting mat- 
ters, according to the custom of people in a 
hurry, he kept in continual bustle, shifting from 



382 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

chaii' to chair, popping his head out of every 
window, and stumping up and do^vn stairs witli 
his wooden leg in such brisk and incessant ms)- 
lion, that, as we are informed by an authentic 
historian of the times, tlie continual clatter boi'c 
no small resemblance to the music of a cooper 
hooping a flour-barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man 
of the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled 
with: the sages forthwith repaired to the comicil- 
chamber, seated themselves with the utmost tran- 
quillity, and, lighting their long pipes, gazed with 
um-ufiied composure on his Excellency and his 
regimentals, — being, as all counsellors sliould be, 
not easily flustered, nor taken by surprise. The 
governor, looking around for a moment with a 
lofty and soldier-like air, and resting one hand on 
the pommel of his sword, and fluiging the other 
forth in a free and spirited manner, addressed 
them in a short but soul-stirrinn; harano;ue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the ad- 
vantages of Livy, Thucyrlides, Plutarch, and others 
of my predecessors, who were furnished, as I am 
told, with the speeches of all their heroes, taken 
down in short-hand by the most accurate stenog- 
rapher of the time, — whereby they were en- 
abled wonderfully to enrich their histories, and 
delight their readers with sublime strains of elo- 
quence. Not having such important auxiliaries, 
I cannot possibly pronounce what wiis the tenor 
of Governor Stuyvesaut's speech. I am bold, 
however, to say, from the tenor of his character, 
that he did not wrap his rugged subject in silks 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 383 

and ermines, and other sickly trickeries of phrase, 
but spoke forth like a man of nerve and vigor, 
who scorned to shrink in words fi-om those dan 
gers which he stood ready to encounter in very 
deed. This much is certain, that he conchided 
by announcmg his determination to lead on his 
troops in person, and rout these costard- mongei' 
Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort Cas- 
imir. To tliis hardy resolution, such of his coun- 
cil as were awake gave then* usual signal of con- 
currence ; and as to the rest, who had fallen asleep 
about the middle of the harangue (their " usual 
custom in the afternoon "), they made not the 
least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New 
Amsterdam a prodigious bustle and preparation 
for iron war. Recruitmg parties marched hither 
and thither, calUng lustily upon all the scrubs, 
the runagates, and tatterdemalions of the Man- 
hattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition 
of sixpence a day, and immortal fame into the 
bargain, to enhst in the cause of glory : — for 
I would have you note that your warlike heroes 
who trudge in the rear of conquerors are gener- 
ally of that illustrious class of gentlemen who 
are equal candidates for the army or the bride- 
well, the halberds or the wliipping-post, — foi 
whom dame Fortmie has cast an even (he, 
whether they shall make their exit by the sword 
or the halter, and whose deaths shall, at all 
events, be a lofty example to their countrymen. 

But, notwithstanding all this martial rout and 
uavitation, the ranks of honor were but scantily 



384 HISTORY OF NEW Y L'RR. 

supplied, so averse were the peaceful burghers of 
New Amsterdam from enlistms; in foreign broils, 
or stirriug beyond that home which rounded all 
their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the 
great Peter, whose noble heart was all on fire 
\\\{\. war and sweet revenge, determined to wait 
no longer for the tardy assistance of these oily 
citizens, but to muster up his merry men of the 
Hudson, who, brought up among Avoods, and 
wilds, and savage beasts, like our yeomen of Ken- 
tucky, delighted in nothing so nnich as desperate 
adventures and perilous expeditions through the 
wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trus- 
ty squire Antony Van Corlear to have his state 
galley prepared and duly victualled ; which being 
performed, he attended public service at the great 
church of St. Nicholas, like a true and pious gov- 
ernor^ and then leaving peremptory orders with 
his comicil to have the chivalry of the Manhat- 
toes marshalled out and appointed agauist his re- 
turn, departed upon his recruiting voyage up the 
v^aters of the Hudson. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 385 




CHAPTER IV. 

COrrralNINO peter STUTVESANT'S voyage dp the HUDSON, AND TEl 
WONDERS AND DELIGHTS OF THAT KENOWNEI RIVER. 

lOW did the soft breezes of the south 
steal sweetly over the face of nature, 
tempering the panting heats of summer 
into genial and prolific warmth ; when that mira- 
cle of hardihood and chivalric virtue, the daunt- 
less Peter Stuyvesant, spread his canvas to the 
wind, and departed from the, fair island of Man- 
na-hata. The galley m which he embarked was 
sumptuously adorned with pendants and stream- 
ers of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gayly in 
the wind, or drooped their ends into the bosom 
of the stream. The bow and poop of this majes- 
tic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the rarest 
Dutch fashion, with figures of little pursy Cupids 
with periwigs on their heads, and bearing in their 
hands garlands of flowers, the like of which are 
not to be found in any book of botany, being 
the matchless flowers which flourished in the 
golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in 
the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood 
and discolorers of canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the 
puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the 
galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon 

25 



88u mSTOIlY UI'' JS£W lOHK 

the bosom of the lordly Hudson, which, as it 
rolled its Ijroad waves to the ocean, seemed to 
pause for a while and swell with pride, as if con- 
Bcious of the illustrious burden it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was Ihe 
scene presented to the contemplation of the crew 
from that which may be witnessed at this degen- 
erate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned 
on the borders of this mighty river ; the hand 
of cultivation had not as yet laid low the dark 
forest, and tamed the features of the landscape; 
nor had the frequent sail of commerce broken in 
upon the profound and awful solitude of ages. 
Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam 
perched among the cliffs of the mountains, ^vith 
its curlino; column of smoke mountiu"; in the 
transparent atmosphere, — but so loftily situated 
that the whoopings of the savage childi'en, gam- 
bolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell 
almost as faintly on the ear as do the notes of 
the lark when lost in the azure vault of heaven. 
Now and then, from the beetling brow of some 
precipice, the wild deer would look timidly down 
upon the splendid pageant as it passed below, 
and then, tossing his antlers in the air, would 
bound a\vay into the thickest of the forest. 

Tlu'ough such scenes did the stately vessel of 
Peter Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skii-t the 
bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, wliich 
spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from 
the waves unto the heavens, and were fashioned, 
if tradition may be believed, in times long past, 
by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect liia 



nrSTORY OF NEW YORK. 887 

K'lvoi'ile abodes from the unhallowed eyes of rnor 
tals. Now did they career it gayly across the 
vast expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide-extend- 
ed shores present a variety of delectable scenery, 
— here the bold promontory, crowned with em- 
bowering trees, advancing into the bay, — there 
the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the 
shore in rich luxiu'iance, and terminating in the 
upland precipice, — while at a distance a long 
waving line of rocky heights threw their gigan- 
tic shades across the water. Now would they 
pass where some modest little interval, opening 
among these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as 
it were for protection into the embraces of the 
neighboring mountains, displayed a rural paradise, 
fraught with sweet and pastoral beauties, — the 
velvet-tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tink- 
lin": rivulet, steal inji; throu^'h the fresh and vivid 
verdure, on whose banks was situated some little 
Indian village, or, peradventure, the rude cabin 
of some solitary hunter. 

Tlie different periods of the revolving day 
seemed each, with cumiing magic, to diffuse a 
different charm over tlie scene. Now would the 
jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blazing 
from the summits of the hills, and sparkling the 
landscape with a thousand dewy gems ; while 
along the borders of the river were seen the 
heavy masses of mist, which, like midnight cai- 
tiffs disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish 
retreat, rolling m sullen reluctance up the moun- 
tains. At such times all was brightness, and 
life, and gayety, — the atmosphtu-e was of an in 



388 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

describable pureiiess and transparency, — the birds 
broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshen- 
ing breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her 
course. But when the sun sunk amid a flood of 
glory in the west, mantling the heavens and the 
earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes, then all 
vs as calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late 
swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast ; — 
tlie seaman, with folded arms, leaned against the 
shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing which 
the sober grandeur of nature commands in the 
rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the 
Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflecting 
the golden splendor of the heavens, excepting 
that now and then a bark canoe would steal 
across its surface, filled with painted savages, 
whose gay feathers glared brightly as perchance 
a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon 
them from the western mountains. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its ma- 
jestic mists around, then did the face of nature 
assume a thousand fugitive charms, wliich to the 
worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious 
works of its Maker are inexpressibly captivatmg. 
The mellow dubious light that prevailed just 
served to tini^-e with illusive colors the softened 
features of the scenery. The deceived but de- 
lighted eye sought vainly to discern in the broad 
masses of shade the separathig line between the 
land and water, or to distinguish the fading 
objects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did 
the busy fimcy supply tlie feebleness of vision, 
producing with industrious craft a fairy creation 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 38S 

of her own. Under lier plastic wand the barren 
rocks frowned upon the watery Avaste in the 
semblance of lofty towers and high embattled 
castles, — trees assumed the direful forms of 
mighty giants, and the inaccessible summits of 
the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand 
shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of 
an innumerable variety of insects, which filled 
the air with a strange but not inharmonious con- 
cert, while ever and anon was heard the mel- 
ancholy plamt of the whippoorwill, who, perched 
on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with 
his incessant moanmgs. The mind, soothed into 
a hallowed melancholy, listened with pensive still- 
ness to catch and distinguish each sound that 
vaguely echoed from the shore, — now and then 
startled perchiince by the whoop of some strag- 
gling savage, or by the dreary howl of a wolf, 
stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, un- 
til they entered upon those awful defiles denomi- 
nated THE HIGHLANDS, w^icre it would scem that 
the gigantic Titans had erst waged their impious 
war with heaven, pilmg up cliffs on cliffs, and 
hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. 
But in sooth very different is the history of these 
cloud-capt momitains. These m ancient days, 
before the Hudson poured its waters from the 
lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky 
bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined the re- 
bellious spirits who repined at his control. Here, 
bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in rifted 



390 HTSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they groan- 
ed for many an age. At length the conquering 
Hudson, in its career towards the ocean, burst 
open their prison-house, rolling its tide triumph- 
antly through the stupendous ruins. 

Still, however, do many of them lurk about 
their old abodes ; and these it is, according to 
venerable legends, that cause the echoes which 
resound throughout these awful solitudes, — which 
are nothing but their angry clamors when any 
noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. 
For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, 
then horrible is the yellins; and howlino^ of these 
troubled spirits, making the mountains to rebel- 
low with their hideous uproar ; for at such times 
it is said that they think the great Manetho is 
returning once more to plunge them in gloomy 
caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost 
upon the gallant Stu}^esant ; naught occupied, his 
mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud antici- 
pations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his 
honest crew trouble their heads with any roman- 
tic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the 
helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing 
either past, present, or to come ; — those of his 
comrades who were not industriously smoking^ 
under the hatches were listening with open 
mouths to Antony Van Corlear, who, seated on 
the windlass, was relating to them the marvel- 
lous history of those myriads of fireflies that 
sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky 



niSTORT OF NEW YORK. 391 

robe of night. These, according to tradition, 
were originally a race of pestilent sempiternous 
beldames, who peopled these parts long before 
the memory of man, being of that abominated 
race emphatically called brimstones, and who. for 
their innumerable sins against the children of 
men, and to furnish an awful warnmg to the 
beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth 
in the shape of these threatening and terrible lit- 
tle busrs, endurinoj the internal torments of that 
fire which they formerly carried in their hearts 
and breathed forth in their words, but now are 
sentenced to bear about forever — in their tails ! 
And now I am going to tell a fact, which I 
doubt much my readers will hesitate to believe ; 
but if they do, they are welcome not to believe 
a word in this whole history, for nothing which 
it contains is more true. It must be known then 
that the nose of Antony the Trumpeter was of a 
very lusty size, strutting boldly from his counte- 
nance like a mountain of Golconda ; being sump- 
tuously bedecked with rubies and other precious 
stones, — the true regaUa of a king of good fel- 
lows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who 
bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now thus it 
happened, that bright and early in the morning, 
the good Antony, havmg washed his burly visage, 
was leaning over the quarter-railing of the gal- 
Icy, contemplating it in the glassy wave below. 
Just at tliis moment the illustrious sun, break- 
ing in all its splendor from behind a high bluff 
of the highlands, did dart one of his most po- 
tent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the 



392 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Bounder of brass — the reflection of which shol 
straightway down, hissing-hot, into the water, 
and killed a mighty stuxgeon that was sporting 
beside the vessel ! This hiij>:e monster bein^ 
with infinite labor hoisted on board, furnished a 
luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted 
of excellent flavor, excepting about the wound, 
where it smacked a little of brimstone ; and this, 
on my veracity, was the first time that ever 
sturgeon was eaten in these parts by Christian 
people.^ 

When this astonishing miracle came to be 
made known to Petei* Stuyvesant, and that he 
tasted of the unknown fish, he, as may well be 
supposed, marvelled exceedhigly ; and as a mon- 
ument thereof, he gave the name of Antony's 
Nose to a stout promontory in the neighborhood ; 
and it has continued to be called Antony's Nose 
ever since that time. 

But hold : whither am I wandering ? By the 
mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter 
Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make 
an end ; for never was there a voyage so fraught 
Avith marvellous uicidents, nor a river so abound- 
ing with transcendent beauties, worthy of being 
severally recorded. Even now I have it on the 
point of my pen to relate how his crew were 
most horribly frightened, on going on shore above 
the highlands, by a gang of merry roistering 

1 The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country 
about Albaii}', in a letter which was written some time aftei 
the settlement, says: " Tlicrc is in the river great plenty of 
sturgeon, which ^Ve Christians do not make use of, but thi 
Indians eat them greedil}'." 



» 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 393 

devils, frisking and curveting on a flat rock, whict* 
projected into the river, and which is called the 
DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very day. But no 
Diedrich Knickerbocker, it becomes thee not to 
idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. 

Recollect that, while dwelHng with the fond 
garrulity of age over these fairy scenes, endeared 
to thee by the recollections of thy youth, and the 
charms of a thousand legendary tales, which be- 
guiled the simple ear of thy childhood, — recollect 
that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments 
which should be devoted to loftier themes. Is 
not Time — relentless Time! — shaking, with pal- 
sied hand, his almost exhausted hour-glass before 
thee ? Hasten then to pursue thy weary task, 
lest the last sands be run ere thou hast finished 
thy history of the Manhattoes. 

Let us, then, commit the dauntless Peter, his 
brave galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection 
of the blessed St. Nicholas ; who, I have no 
doubt, will prosper him in liis voyage, wliile we 
await his return at the great city of New Am* 
sterdam. 



894 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER V. 




DESCRIBINQ THE POWERFUL ARMY THAT ASSEMBLED AT THE CtTT OF NEKI 
AMSTERDAM — TOGETHER WITH THE INTER.VIEW BETWEEN PETER THB 
HEADSTRONG AMD GENERAL VON POFFENBURGH, AND PETER'S SENTI- 
MENTS TOUCHING UNFORTUNATE GREAT MEN. 



■HILE thus the enterprising Peter was 
coasting, with fiomng sail, up the shores 
of the lordlv Hudson, and arousins all 
the phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon its 
borders, a great and puissant concourse of war- 
riors was assembling at the city of New Amster- 
dam. And here that invaluable fragment of 
antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more 
than commonly particular ; by Avhich means I 
am enabled to record the illustrious host that 
encamped itself in the public square in front 
of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling 
Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of 
the men of battle of the Manhattoes, who, being 
the inmates of the metropolis, composed the life- 
guards of the governor. Thes^ were commanded 
by the valiant Stoffel Brinkerhoof, who whilom 
had act^uired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay ; 
they displayed as a standard a beaver rampant 
on a field of orange, being the arms of the prov- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 395 

ince, and denoting the persevering industry and 
the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.^ 

On their ridit hand miofht be seen the vassals 
of that renoA^aied M}aiheer, Michael Paw,^ who 
lorded it over the fan* regions of ancient Pavonia, 
and the lands away south even unto the Nave- 
Bink mountams,^ and was moreover patroon of 
Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his 
trusty squire, Cornelius Van Yorst ; consisting 
of a huge oyster recumhent upon a sea-green 
field ; being the armorial bearings of his favorite 
metropolis, Communipaw. He brought to the 
camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, 
being each clad in ten pair of linsey-woolsey 
breeches, and overshadowed by broad-brimmed 
beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat- 
bands. These were the men who vegetated in 
the mud along the shores of Pavonia, being of 
the race of genuine copperheads, and were fabled 
to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of 
warriors who came from the neighborhood of 

1 This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, 
as may still be seen in ancient records. 

2 Besides what is related in the Stuj'vesant MS., I have 
found mention made of this illustrious patroon in another 
manuscript, which says : " De Heer (or the squire) Michael 
Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug. 1630, by deed pur- 
chased Staten Island. N. B. The same Michael Paw had 
what the Dutch call a colonie at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore, 
opposite New York, and his overseer in 1636 was named 
Corns. Van Vorst, a person of the same name in 17G9, 
owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm at Pavonia, and is a 
liueal descendant from Van Vorst." 

3 So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited 
these parts. At present they are erroneously denominated the 
Neversink, or Neversuuk mountains. 



896 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Hell-gate. These were coninianded by the Suy 
Dams, and the Van Dams, — incontinent hard 
swearers, as their names betoken. They were 
terrible-looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gab- 
erdmes, of that curious colored cloth called thun- 
der and liglitning, — and bore as a standard three 
de^dl's darning-needles, volant, in a flame-colored 
field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle 
fi'om the marshy borders of the Waale-Boght -^ 
and the country thereabouts. These were of a 
90ur aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, 
which abound in these parts. They were the 
first institutors of that honorable order of knight- 
hood called Fly-market shirks, and, if tradition 
speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed 
step in dancing called " double trouble." They 
were commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra 
Vanger, — and had, moreover, a jolly band of 
Breuckelen ^ ferry-men, who performed a brave 
concerto on conch shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute de- 
scription, which goes on to describe the warriors 
of Bloemen-dael, and Weehawk, and Hoboken, 
and sundry other places, well known in history 
and song ; for now do the notes of martial 
music alarm the people of New Amsterdam, 
sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. 
But this alarm was in a little while relieved, for 
lo ! from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they 

1 Since corrupted into the Wallaboui; the bay where tht 
N^ayy Yard is situated. 
'^ Now spelt Brooklyn. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 397 

recognized the brimstone-colored breeches and 
splendid silver leg of Peter Stujvesant, glaring 
in the sunbeams ; and beheld him approaching 
at the head of a formidable army, which he had 
mustered along the banks of the Hudson, And 
liere the excellent but anonymous writer of the 
Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a bravo 
and glorious description of the forces, as they 
defiled through the principal gate of the city, that 
stood by the head of Wall Street. 

First of all came the Van Bummels, who in- 
habit the pleasant borders of the Bronx : these 
were short fat men, wearing exceeding large 
trunk-breeches, and were renowned for feats of 
the trencher. Tliey were the first inventors of 
suppawn, or mush and milk. — Close in their rear 
marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaatskill, horrible 
quaffers of new cider, and arrant braggarts in 
their liquor. — After them came the Van Pelts 
of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, mounted 
upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of the Esopus 
breed. These were mighty hunters of minks and 
'musk-rats, whence came the word Peltry. — Then 
the Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers 
of bird's-nests, as their name denotes. To these, 
if report may be believed, are we indebted for 
the invention of slap-jacks, or buckwheat-cakes. 
— Then the Van Higginbottoms, of Wapping's 
creek. These came armed with ferules and 
birchen rods, being a race of schoolmasters, who 
first discovered the marvellous sympathy between 
the seat of honor and the seat of intellect, — and 
that the shortest way to get knowledge into the 



398 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

head was to hammer it into the bottom. — Then 
the Van Grolls, of Antony's Nose, who carried 
tlieir liquor in fan' round little pottles, by reason 
they could not bouse it out of their canteens, 
havmc: such rare lonoj noses. — Then the Gar- 
deniers, of Hudson and thereabouts, distinguished 
by many triumphant feats, such as robbing water- 
melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their holes, 
and the like, and by being great lovers of roasted 
pigs' tails. These were the ancestors of the re- 
nowned congressman of that name. — Then the 
Van Hoesens, of Sing- Sing, great choristers and 
players upon the jews-harp. These marched two 
and two, sin^iii": the ofreat sons: of St. Nicholas. 
— Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow. 
These gave birth to a jolly race of pubhcans, 
who first discovered the magic artifice of conjur- 
ing a quart of wine into a pmt bottle. — Then 
the Van Kortlandts, who lived on the wild banks 
of the Croton, and were great killers of wild 
ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in 
sliootinG: with the Ions; bow. — Then the Van 
Bunschotens, of Nyack and Kakiat, who were 
the first that did ever kick with the left foot. 
They were gallant bushwhackers and hunters of 
raccoons by moonlight. — Then the Van Winkles, 
of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted 
for running of horses, and runnmg up of scores 
at taverns. They were the first that ever winked 
with both eyes at once. — Lastly came the 
Knickerbockers, of the great town of Scagh- 
tikoke, where the folk lay stones upon the houses 
in windy weather, lest they should b(5 blown 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 399 

away. These derive their name, as some say, 
from Knicker, to shake, and Beker^ a goblet, indi- 
cating thereby that they were sturdy toss-jDots of 
yore ; but, in truth, it was derived from Knicher^ 
to nod, and Boeken^ books : plainly meanmg that 
they were great nodders or dozers over books. 
From them did descend the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters 
that poured in at the grand gate of New Am- 
sterdam ; the Stuyvesant manuscript mdeed speaks 
of many more, Avhose names I omit to mention, 
seemg that it behooves me to hasten to matters 
of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the 
joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter as 
he reviewed this mighty host of warriors, and he 
determined no longer to defer the gratification of 
his much-wished-for revenge upon the scoundrel 
Swedes at Fort Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatcha- 
ble events which will be found in the sequel of 
this faithful history, let me pause to notice the 
fate of Jacobus Van PofFenburgh, the discomfited 
commander-in-chief of the araiies of the New 
Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitable- 
ness of human nature, that scarcely did the news 
become public of his deplorable discomfiture at 
Fort Casimir, than a thousand scurvy rumors 
were set afloat in New Amsterdam, wherein il 
was insinuated that he had in reality a treacher- 
ous understanding with the Swedish commander ; 
that he had long been in the practice of privately 
coimnunicating with the Swedes ; together with 
divers hints about "secret service-money." Tc 



400 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
credit than I think they deserve. 

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his 
character by- the most vehement oaths and prot- 
estations, and put every man out of the ranks 
of honor who daied to doubt liis integrity. 
JMoreover, on returning to New Amsterdam, he 
paraded up and down the streets with a crew of 
hard swearers at his heels, — sturdy bottle-com- 
panions, whom he gorged and fattened, and who 
were ready to bolster him through all the courts 
of justice, — heroes of his own kidney, fierce- 
whiskered, broad - sliouldered, colbrand - looking 
swaggerers, — not one of whom but looked as 
though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth 
with the horns. These lifeguard men quar- 
relled all his quarrels, were ready to fight all his 
battles, and scowled at every man that turned 
up his nose at the general, as though they would 
devour him alive. Their conversation was inter- 
spersed with oaths like minute-guns, and every 
bombastic rodomontade was rounded off by a 
thundering execration, like a patriotic toast hon- 
ored with a discharge of artillery. 

All these valorous vaporings had a considera- 
ble effect in convincing certain profound sages, 
who began to think the general a hero of un- 
matchable loftiness and magnanimity of soul, par- 
ticularly as he was continually protesting on the 
honor of a soldier, — a marvellously high-sound- 
ing asseveration. Nay, one of the members of 
the council went so far as to propose they should 
immortalize him by an imperisliable statue of 
plaster of Paris. ' . 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 40l 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was 
not thus to be deceived. Sending privately for 
the commander-in-chief of all the armies, and 
having heard all his story, garnished with the 
customary pious oaths, protestations, and ejacula- 
tions, — " Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by 
your own account you are the most brave, up- 
right, and honorable man in the whole province, 
yet do you lie under the misfortune of being 
damnably traduced, and immea^rably despised. 
Now, though it is certainly hard to punish a man 
for his misfortunes, and though it is very possible 
you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to 
your charge, yet as heaven, doubtless for some 
wise purpose, sees fit at present to withhold all 
proofs of your innocence, far be it from me to 
counteract its sovereign will. Besides, I cannot 
consent to venture my armies with a commander 
whom they despise, nor to tnist the welfare of 
my people to a champion whom they distrust. 
Retire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome 
toils and cares of public life, with this comforting 
reflection, that, if guilty, you are but enjoying 
your just reward, and if innocent, you are not 
the first great and good man who has most 
wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in this 
wicked world, — doubtless to be better treated in 
a better world, where there shall be neither error, 
calumny, nor persecution. In the mean time let 
me never see your face again, for I have a horri- 
ble antipathy to the countenances of unfortunate 
great men like yourself." 
26 



402 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER VI. 



or WHICH THE AUTHOR DISCOURSES VER-J INGENUOUSLY OP HIMSKL? — 
AFTER WHICH IS TO BE FOUND MUCH INTERESTING HISTORY ABCOI 
PETER THE HEADSTRONG AND HIS FOLLOWERS. 



m 



, S my readers and myself are about enter- 
ing on as many perils as ever a confed- 
W^^ eracy of meddlesome knights-errant wil- 
fully ran then- heads into, it is meet that, like 
those hardy adventurers, we should join hands, 
bury all differences, and swear to stand by one 
another, in weal or woe, to the end of the enter- 
prise. My readers must doubtless perceive how 
completely I have altered my tone and deport- 
ment since we first set out together. I warrant 
they then thought me a crabbed, cynical, imperti- 
nent little son of a Dutchman ; for I scarcely gave 
them a civil word, nor so much as touched my 
beaver, when I had occasion to address them. But 
as we jogged along together on the high road of 
my history, I gradually began to relax, to grow 
more courteous, and occasionally to enter into 
familiar discourse, until at length I came to con- 
ceive a most social, companionable kind of regard 
for them. This is just my way : I am always 
a little cold and reserved at first, particularly 
to people whom T neither know nor care for 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 403 

and am ouly to be completely won by long inti- 
macy. 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to 
the crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances that 
flocked around me at my first appearance ? Many 
were merely attracted by a new face ; and hav- 
ing stared me full in the title-page, walked off 
without saying a word: while others lingered 
yawningly through the preface, and, having grati- 
fied their short-lived curiosity, soon dropped off 
one by one. But, more especially to try their 
mettle, I had recourse to an expedient, similar to 
one which we are told was used by that peerless 
flower of chivalry, King Arthur ; who, before he 
admitted any knight to his intimacy, first required 
that he should show himself superior to danger 
or hardships, by encountering miheard-of mishaps, 
slaying some dozen giants, vanquishing wicked 
enchanters, not to say a word of dwarfs, hippo- 
griffs, and fiery dragons. On a similar principle 
did I cmmmgly lead my readers, at the first sally, 
into two or three knotty chapters, where they 
were most wofuUy belabored and buffeted by a 
host of pagan philosophers and infidel writers. 
Though naturally a very grave man, yet could I 
scarcely refrain from smiling outright at seeing 
the utter confusion and dismay of my valiant 
cavaliers. Some dropped down dead (asleep) oa 
the field; others threw down my book in the 
middle of the first chapter, took to their heels, 
and never ceased scampering until they had fairly 
run it owi of sight : when they stopped to take 
breath, to tell their friends what troubles they 



404 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

had undergone, and to warn all others from ven- 
turing on so thankless an expedition. Every page 
thinned my ranks more and more ; and of the vast 
multitude that first set out, but a comparatively 
few made shift to survive, in exceedingly battered 
condition, through the five introductory chapters. 

What, then! would you have had me take such 
sunsliine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom at 
our first acquaintance ? No, no ; I reserved my 
friendship for those wlio deserved it, for those 
who undauntedly bore me company, in despite 
of difficulties, dangers, and fatigues. And now, 
as to those who adhere to me at present, I take 
them affectionately by the hand. Worthy and 
thrice-beloved readers! brave and well-tried com- 
rades ! who have faithfully followed my footsteps 
thi-ough alljny wanderings, — I salute you from 
my heart, — I pledge myself to stand by you to 
the last, and to conduct you (so Heaven speed 
this trusty weapon which I now hold between 
my fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our 
stupendous undertaking. 

But, liark ! while we are thus talking, the city 
of New Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of 
warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are 
striking their tents ; the brazen trumpet of An- 
tony Van Corlear makes the welkin to resound 
with portentous clangor ; the drums beat ; the 
standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, and 
of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And 
now behold wliere the mariners are busily em- 
ployed hoisting the sails of yon topsail schooner, 
and those clump-built sloops, which are to waft 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 405 

the army of the Nederlanders to gather immortal 
honors on the Delaware ! 

The entire population of the city, man, wom- 
an, and child, turned out to behold the chivalry 
of New Amsterdam, as it paraded the streets pre- 
vious to embarkation. Many a handkerchief was 
waved out of the windows ; many a fair nose 
was blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful 
occasion. The grief of the fair dames and beau- 
teous damsels of Granada could not have been 
more vociferous on the banishment of the gallant 
tribe of Abencerrages tlian was that of the kind- 
hearted fair ones of New Amsterdam on the de- 
parture of their intrepid warriors. Every love- 
sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her 
hero with gingerbread and doughnuts ; many a 
copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence 
broken, in pledge of eternal constancy ; and there 
remain extant to this day some love- verses writ- 
ten on that occasion, sufficiently crabbed and in- 
comprehensible to confound the whole universe. 

But it was a movino; si^lit to see the buxom 
lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony 
Van Corlear, — for he was a jolly, rosy -faced, 
lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a 
desperate rogue among the women. Fain would 
they have kept him to comfort them while the 
army was away ; for, besides what I have said 
jf him, it is no more than justice to add, that he 
was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevolent 
attentions in comfortin2^ disconsolate wives durhior 
tlie absence of their husbands ; and this made 
Wm to be vei'y much regarded by the honest 



406 niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

burghers of the city. But nothing could keep 
the vaHant Antony from following the heels of 
the old governor, whom lie loved as he did his 
YQYj soul ; so, embracing all the young vrouws, 
and giving every one of them that had good teeth 
and rosy lips a dozen hearty smacks, he deparl."*d, 
loaded Avith their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter 
among the least causes of public distress. Though 
the old governor was by no means indulgent to 
the follies and waywardness of his subjects, yet 
somehow or other he had become strangely popu- 
lar among the people. There is something so 
captivating in personal bravery, that, with the 
common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of 
most other merits. The simple folk of New Am- 
sterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a prod- 
igy of valor. His wooden leg, that trophy of his 
martial encounters, was regarded with reverence 
and admiration. Every old burgher had a bud- 
get of miraculous stories to tell about the exploits 
of Hardkoppig Piet, wherewith he regaled his 
children of a long Avinter night, and on which 
he dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration 
as do our honest country yeomen on the hardy 
adventures of old General Putnam (or, as he is 
familiarly termed. Old Put) during our glorious 
Revolution. Not an individual but verily believed 
the old governor was a match for Beelzebub liim- 
eelf ; and there was even a story told, with great 
mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot 
the devil with a silver bullet one dark stormy 
night, as lie was sailing in a Ciuioe through Hell- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 407 

gate, — but this I do not record as being an abso- 
lute fact. Perish the man who would let fall a 
(Ii'op to discolor the pure stream of history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New Am 
sterdam but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a 
tower of strength, and rested satisfied that tlie 
public welfare was secure so loug as he was in 
the city. It is not surprising, then, that they 
looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. 
With heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of 
his troop, as they marched do^^^l to the river-side 
to embark. The governor, from the stern of his 
schooner, gave a short but truly patriarchal ad- 
dress to his citizens, wherein he recommended 
them to comport like loyal and peaceable sub- 
jects, — to go to church regularly on Sundays, and 
to mind their business all the week besides. 
That the women should be dutiful and affection- 
ate to their husbands, — looking after nobody's 
concerns but their o^vn, — eschewing all gossip- 
ings and morning gaddings, — and carrying short 
tongues and long petticoats. That the men 
should abstain fi'om intermeddling in public con- 
cerns, intrusting the cares of government to the 
officers appointed to support them, — staying; at 
home, like good citizens, making money for them- 
selves, and getting cliildren for the benefit of their 
country. That the burgomasters should look well 
to tlie public interest, — not oppressing the poor 
nor indulging the rich, — not tasking their inge- 
nuity to devise new laws, but faithfully enforcing 
Jiose which were already made, — rather bending 
tlieir attention to prevent evil than to punish it ; 



408 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ever recollecting that civil magistrates si.jalu 
consider themselves more as guardians of public 
morals than rat-catchers employed to entrap pub- 
lic delinquents. Finally, he exhorted tliem, one 
and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct 
themselves as well as they could, assuring them 
that if they faithfully and conscientiously com- 
plied with this golden rule, there was no danger 
but that they would all conduct themselves well 
enough. This done, he gave them a paternal 
benediction, the sturdy Antony sounded a most 
loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews 
put up a shout of triumph, and the invincible 
armada swept off proudly down the bay. 

The good people of New Amsterdam crowded 
down to the Battery, — that blest resort, from 
whence so many a tender prayer has been wafted, 
so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful 
look been cast by lovesick damsel, after the 1-es- 
senmg bark, bearing her adventurous swain to 
distant climes ! — Here the populace watched 
with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it 
slowly floated do^vn the bay, and when the inter- 
vening land at the Narrows shut it from their 
sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues and 
downcast countenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling 
city : tlie honest burghers smoked their pipes in 
profound thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful 
look to the weathercock on the clnu'ch of St. 
Nicholas ; and all tlie old women, having no lon- 
ger the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten 
them, gathered tlieir children home, and barri- 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 409 

caded the doors and windows every evening at 
sundown. 

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy 
Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage ; and 
after encountering about as many storms, and wa- 
ter-spouts, and whales, and other horrors and 
phenomena as generally befall adventurous lands- 
men in perilous voyages of the kind, and after 
undergoing a severe scourmg from that deplor- 
able and unpitied malady called seasickness, the 
whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor and giv- 
ing his wearied ships time to breathe, after labor- 
ing so long on the ocean, the intrepid Peter pur- 
sued his course up the Delaware, and made a 
sudden appearance before Fort Casimir. Hav- 
ing summoned the astonished garrison by a ter- 
rific blast from the trumpet of the long-winded 
Van Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, 
an instant surrender of the fort. To this de- 
mand, Suen Skytte, the wind-dried commandant, 
replied in a shrill, wliiffling voice, which, by 
reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like 
the Avind whistling through a broken bellows, — ■ 
" That he had no very strong reason for refusing, 
except that the demand was particularly disagree- 
able, as he had been ordered to maintain his post 
to the last extremity." He requested time, 
therefore, to consult with Governor Risingh, and 
proposed a truce for that purpose. 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his 
rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, and 
thus pertinaciouslj withheld, refused the proposed 



410 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ai'mistice, and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, 
which, like the sacred fii'e, was never extin- 
guished, that unless the fort were surrendered in 
ten minutes, he would incontinently storm the 
works, make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and 
split their scoundrel of a commander like a pickled 
shad. To give this menace the greater effect, ho 
drew forth his trusty sword, and shook it at them 
with such a fierce and vigorous motion, that 
doubtless, if it had not been exceeding rusty, it 
would have lightened terror into the eyes and 
hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men 
to bring a broadside to bear upon the fort, con- 
sisting of two swivels, three muskets, a long duck 
fowling-piece, and two brace of horse-pistols. 

In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear mar- 
shalled all the forces, and commenced his warlike 
operations. Distending his clieeks like a very 
Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging of 
his trumpet, — the lusty choristers of Sing-Sing 
broke forth into a hideous song of battle, — the 
warriors of Breuckelen and the Wallabout blew 
a potent and astonishing blast on tlieir concli 
shells, — altogetlier forming as outrageous a con- 
certo as thou2:h five thousand French fiddleis 
were displaying their skill in a modern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war thus sud- 
denly presented smote tlie garrison with sore dis- 
may, — or whether the concluding terms of the 
summons, which mentioned that he should sur- 
render " at discretion," were mistaken by Suen 
Skytte, who, though a Swede, was a very consid- 
srate, easy-tempered man, as a compliment to hia 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 411 

discretion, I will not take upon me to say ; cer- 
tain it is he found it impossible to resist so cour- 
teous a demand. Accordingly, in the very nick 
of time, just as the cabin-boy had gone after a 
coal of fire to discharge the swivel, a chamade 
was beat on the rampart by the only drum in 
the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both 
parties, who, notwithstanding their great stomach 
for fighting, had full as good an inclination to 
eat a quiet dinner as to exchange black eyes and 
bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more 
return to the domination of their High Mighti- 
nesses. Skytte and his garrison of twenty men 
were allowed to march out vdih. the honors of 
war ; and the victorious Peter, who was as gener- 
ous as brave, permitted them to keep possession 
of all their arms and ammunition, — the same on 
inspection being found totally unfit for service, 

havinsr lonir rusted in the mao;azine of the for- 
es c o 

tress, even before it was ^\Tested by the Swedes 
from the windy Van Pofi^enburgh. But I must 
not omit to mention tliat the governor was so 
well pleased with the service of his faithful 
squire. Van Corlear, in the reduction of this great 
fortress, that he made him on the spot lord of a 
goodly domain in the vicinity of New Amster- 
dam, — which goes by the name of Corlear's Hook 
unto this very day. 

The unexampled liberality of Peter Stuyve- 
sant towards the Swedes, occasioned great sur- 
prise in the city of New Amsterdam, — nay, cer- 
tain factious iiidividuals^ who had been enhght- 



412 niSlORY OF NEW YORK, 

ened by political meetings in the days of William 
the Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their 
meddlesome habits under the eye of their present 
ruler, now, emboldened by his absence, gave vent 
to their censures in the street. Murmurs were 
heard in the very council-chamber of New Am- 
sterdam ; and there is no knowing whether they 
might not have broken out into downright 
speeches and invectives, had not Peter Stuyve- 
sant privately sent home his walking-staff, to be 
laid as a mace on the table of tlie council-cham- 
ber, in the midst of his counsellors ; who, like 
wise men, took the hmt, and forever after held 
their peace. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. i\^ 




CHAPTER Vn. 

BHOWINO THE GBEAT ADVANTAGE THAT THE AUTHOR HAS OVEA HIS 
READER IN TDIE OF ^TTLE — TOGETHER WITH DIVERS PORTENTOUS 
MOVEMENTS ; WHICH BETOKEN THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS ABOUT 
TO HAPPEN. 

IKE as a mighty alderman, when at a 
corporation feast the first spoonful of 
turtle-soup salutes his palate, feels his 
appetite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles liis 
vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while his pro- 
jecting eyes roU greedily round, devouring every- 
thing at table, so did the mettlesome Peter Stuy- 
vesant feel that hunger for martial glory, which 
raged within his bowels, inflamed by the captui'e 
of Fort Casimir, and nothuig could allay it but 
the conquest of all New Sweden. No sooner, 
therefore, had he secured his conquest, than he 
stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to 
gather fresh laurels at Fort Cliristina.^ 

This was the grand Swedish post, established 
on a small river (or, as it is improperly termed, 
creek) of the same name ; and here that crafty 
governor Jan Risingh lay grimly drawn up, like 
a gray-bearded spider in the citadel of liis web. 
But before we hurry into the direful scenes 

1 At present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or Chria- 
teen, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post* 
road to Baltimore. 



414 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

which must attend the meeting of two such po- 
tent chieftains, it is advisable to pause for a 
moment, and hold a kind of Avarlike council 
Battles should not be rushed into precipitately 
by the historian and liis* readers, any more than 
by the general and liis soldiera The great com- 
manders of antiquity never engaged the enemy 
without previously preparing the minds of their 
followers by animating hai'angues, spiriting them 
up to heroic deeds, assuring them of the protec- 
tion of the gods, and inspiring them with a con- 
fidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the 
historian should awaken the attention and enhst 
the passions of his readers ; and having set them 
all on fire with the importance of his subject, 
he should put himself at their head, flourish his 
pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the 
fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be 
seen in that mirror of historians, the immortal 
Thucydides. Having arrived at the breaking out 
of the Peloponnesian war, one of his commenta- 
tors observes that " he sounds the charge in all 
the disposition and spirit of Homer. He cata- 
logues the allies on both sides. He awakens 
our expectations, and fast engages our attention. 
All mankind are concerned in the important 
point now going to be decided. Endeavors are 
made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is in- 
terested in the dispute. The earth totters, and 
nature seems to labor with the great event. 
This is his solemn, sublime manner of settuig 
out. Thus he magnifies a war between two, as 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 415 

Rapin styles them, petty states ; and thus art- 
folly he supports a little subject by treating it in 
ft great and noble method." 

Li hke manner, having conducted my readers 
into the very teeth of peril, — having followed 
the adventurous Peter and his band into foreign 
regions, surrounded by foes, and stimned by the 
hoiTid din of arms, — at this important moment, 
while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming 
chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and 
prepare them for the events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage 
which, as historian, I possess over my reader ; 
and this it is, that, though I camiot save the life 
of my favorite hero, nor absolutely contradict the 
event of a battle (both which liberties, though 
often taken by the French writers of the present 
reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupu- 
lous historian), yet I can now and then make 
him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke 
sufficient to fell a giant, — though, in honest truth, 
he may never have done anything of the kind, — 
or I can drive his antasronist clear round and 
round the field, as did Homer make that fine fel- 
low Hector scamper like a poltroon round the 
walls of Troy ; for which, if ever they have en- 
comitered one another in the Elysian fields, E '11 
warrant the prince of poets has had to make the 
most humble apology. 

I am aware* that many conscientious readers 
will be ready to cry out " foul play ! " whenever 
I render a little assistance to my hero, but I con- 
sider it one of those privileges exercised by his- 



416 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

torians of all ages, and one which has never been 
disputed. An historian is, in fact, as it were, 
bound in honor to stand by his hero ; the fame 
of the latter is intrusted to his hands, and it is 
his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was 
there a general, an admiral, or any other com- 
mander, wlio, in giving account of any battle he 
had fought, did not sorely belabor the enemy ; 
and I have no doubt that, had my lieroes \vi-itten 
the history of their own achievements, they would 
have dealt much harder blows than any that I 
shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the 
guardian of their fame, it behooves me to do them 
the same justice they would have done them- 
selves ; and if I happen to be a little hard upon 
the Swedes, I give free leave to any of their 
descendants, who may wi?ite a story of the State 
of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, and belabor 
Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and 
bloody noses ! My pen hath long itched for a 
battle ; siege after siege have I carried on with- 
out blows or bloodshed ; but now I have at 
length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven and 
St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times 
say what they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Taci- 
tus, Polybius, nor any other historian, did ever 
record a fiercer fight than that in which my val- 
iant chieftains are now about to engage. 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for 
your faithful adherence, I could clierisii in the 
warmest corner of my heart, be not uneasy, — 
trust the fate of our favorite Stuyvesant with me. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 417 

for by the rood, come what may, I '11 stick by 
Hardkoppig Piet to the last. I'll make him 
drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned 
Launcelot of the Lake a herd of recreant Cor- 
nish knights ; and if he does fall, let me never 
draw my pen to fight another battle in behalf of 
a brave man, if I don't make these lubberly 
Swedes pay for it! 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived at 
Fort Christina than he proceeded without delay 
to intrench himself, and immediately on running 
his first parallel, dispatched Antony Van Corlear 
to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Cor- 
lear was received with all due formality, hood- 
winked at the portal, and conducted tlirough a 
pestiferous smell of salt fish and onions to the 
citadel, a substantial hut built of pine logs. His 
eyes were here uncovered, and he found himself 
in the august presence of Governor Risingh. 
This chieftain, as I have before noted, was a very 
giantly man, and was clad in a coarse blue coat, 
strapped round the waist ^nth a leathern belt, 
vvliich caused the enormous skirts and pockets tc 
set ofi^ with a very warlike sweep. His ponder- 
ous legs were cased in a pair of foxy-colored 
jackboots, and he was straddling in the attitude 
of the Colossus of Rhodes before a bit of broken 
looking-glass, shaving himself Avith a villanously 
dull razor. This afiiicting operation caused him 
to make a series of horrible grimaces, which 
heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of hi? 
visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being an- 
:iounced, the grim commander paused for a mo- 



418 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

rnent in the midst of one of his most hiird-far 
vored contortions, and after eying him askance 
over tlie shoulder, with a kind of snarhng grin 
on his countenance, resumed his labors at the 
glass. 

This iron harvest behig reaped, he turned once 
more to the trumpeter, and demanded the purport 
of his errand. Antony Van Corlear delivered 
in a few words, being a kind of short-hand 
speaker, a long message from his Excellency, re 
vjounting the whole history of the province, with 
a recapitulation of grievances, and enumeration 
of claims, and concluding Avith a peremptory 
demand of instant surrender ; which done, he 
turned aside, took his nose between his thumb 
and fingers, and blew a tremendous blast, not 
uidike the flourish of a ti'umpet of defiance, — 
which it had doubtless learned from a long £md 
Ultimate neighborhood with that melodious instru- 
, ment. 

Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet 
and all, but with uifinite impatience, — leaning 
at times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel 
of his sword, and at times twirling a huge steel 
watch-chair., or snapping his fingers. Van Cor- 
lear having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter 
Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the 
d — 1, whither he hoped to send him and his crew 
of ragamuffins before supper-time. Then un- 
sheathing liis brass-hilted sword, and throwing 
away the scal)l)ard, — " 'Fore gad," quod he, '" but 
I will not sheathe tliee again until I make a 
Rcabbard of the smoke-dried leathern liide of this 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 419 

niiiagate Dutchman." Then havmg fiung a fierce 
defiance in the teeth of his adversary by the lips 
of his messenger, the latter was reconducted to 
tlie portal with all the ceremonious civility duo 
to the trumpeter, squire, and ambassador of so 
great a commander; and being again unl^linded, 
wius coiu'teously dismissed with a tweak of the 
nose, to assist him in recollecting his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this 
insolent reply than he let fiy a tremendous volley 
of red-hot execrations, which would infallibly 
have battered down the fortifications, and blown 
up the powder-magazine about the ears of the 
fiery Swede, had not the ramparts been remark- 
ably strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Per- 
ceiving that tiie works withstood this terrific 
blast, and that it was utterly impossible (as it 
really was in those unphilosophic days) to carry 
on a war with words, he ordered his merry men 
all to prepare for an immediate assault. But 
hei'e a strange murmur broke out among his 
troops, beginning with the tribe of the Van Bum- 
mels, those valiant trencheruien of the Bronx, 
and sp]"eading from man to man, accompanied 
with certain mutinous looks and discontented 
murmurs. For once in his life, and only for 
once, did the great Peter turn pale, for he verily 
lljouijht his warriors were sroinff to falter in this 
hour of perilous trial, and thus to tarnish for- 
ever the ftune of the province of New Nether- 
lands. 

But soon did lie discover, to his great joy, that 
in his suspicion he deeply wronged his most un- 



420 nrsTORY of new york. 



daunted army ; for the cause of this agitation and 
uneasiness simply was, that the hour of dinner 
was at hand, and it would have almost broken 
the hearts of the:5e regidar Dutcli warriors to 
have broken in upon the invariable routine of 
their habits. Besides, it was an established rule 
among our ancestors always to fight upon a full 
stomach ; and to this may be doubtless attributed 
the cii'cumstance that they came to be so re- 
nowned in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhat- 
toes, and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily 
engaged mider the trees, buffeting stoutly with 
the contents of their wallets, and taking such 
affectionate embraces of their canteens and pot- 
tles as though they verily believed they were to 
be the last. And as I foresee we shall have hot 
work in a page or two, I advise my readers to do 
the same, for which j)urpose I will bring this 
chapter to a close, — giving them my word of 
honor, that no advantage shall be taken of this 
armistice to surprise, or in any wise molest, the 
lionest Nederlanders while at their vigorous re> 
piiftt. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORR. 421 




CHAPTER Vm. 

JONTAINIXa THE MOST HORRIBLE BATTLE EVER RECORDED IN Po'eTRT C» 
PROSE ; WITH THE ADMIRABLE EXPLOITS OP PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 

^"il^^OW had the Dutchmen snatched a huse 

.III.. ■». ir - I L J J5 

repast, and finding tliemselves wonder- 
fidly encouraged and animated thereby, 
prepared to take the field. Expectation, says 
the writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, — 
Expectation now stood on stilts. The world for- 
got to turn round, or rather stood still, that it 
might witness the affray, — like a round-bellied 
alderman, watching the combat of two chivalrous 
flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, 
as usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort 
Christina. The sun, like a little man in a crowd 
at a puppet-show, scampered about the heavens, 
popping his head here and there, and endeav- 
oring to get a peep between the unmannerly 
clouds that obtruded themselves in his way. 
The historians filled their mkhorns ; the poets 
went without then- dmnefs, either that they might 
buy paper and goose-quills, or because they could 
not get anythmg to eat. Antiquity scowled sul- 
kily out of its grave, to see itself outdone, — 
while even Posterity stood mute, gazing in gap- 
ing ecstasy of retrospection on the eventful field. 
The immortal deities, who whilom had seen 



422 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

service at the " affair " of Troy, now mounted 
their feather-bed clouds, and sailed over the plain, 
or minficled amon<2^ the combatants in different dis- 
guises, all itching to have a finger in the pie. 
Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted cop- 
persmith, to have it furbished up for the direful 
occasion. Venus vowed by her chastity to pat- 
ronize the Swedes, and in semblance of a blear- 
eyed trull paraded the battlements of Fort Chris- 
tina, accompanied by Diana, as a sergeant's wid- 
ow, of cracked reputation. The noted bidly, 
Mars, stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shoul- 
dered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at 
their elbow, as a drunken corporal, — while 
Apollo trudged in theii* I'car, as a bandy-legged 
fifer, playing most villanously out of tune. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had 
gained a pan- of black eyes overnight, in one of 
her curtain-lectures with old Jupiter, displayed 
her haughty beauties on a baggage-wagon ; Mi- 
nerva, as a brawny gin-suttler, tucked up her 
skirts, brandished her fists, and' swore most hero- 
ically, in exceeding bad Dutch (having but lately 
studied the language), by way of keeping up the 
spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as a 
club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a 
captain of militia. All was silent awe, or bus- 
tling preparation : war reared his horrid front, 
gnashed loud his ii'on fangs, and shook his direful 
crest of bristling bayonets. 

And now the n"Hglity chieftains marshalled out 
tlicir hosts. Here stood stout Rishigh, firm as a 
thousand rocks, — iucrusted with stockades, and 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 423 

uitreuclied to the chin m mud batteries. His 
valiant soldiery lined the breastwork in grim 
array, each having his mustachios fiercely greased, 
and his hair pomatumed back, and queued so 
stiffly, that he grinned above the ramparts like a 
grisly death's-head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter, — his brows 
knit, his teeth set, his fists clenched, ahnost 
breathing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was 
the fire that raged witliin his bosom. His faith- 
ful squire Van Corlear trudged valiantly at his 
heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with 
red and yellow ribbons, the remembrances of his 
fair mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then came 
waddling on the sturdy chivahy of the Hudson. 
There were the Van Wycks, and the Van Dycks, 
and the Ten Eycks ; the Van Nesses, the Van 
Tassels, the Van Grolls ; the Van Hcesens, the 
Van Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms ; the Van 
Warts, the Van Winkles-, the Van Dams ; the 
Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and the Van Brmits. 
There were the Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the 
Van Bunschotens ; the Van Gelders, the Van 
Arsdales, and the Van Bummels ; the Vander 
Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, the 
Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander 
Spiegles ; — then came the Hoffmans, the Hoogh- 
lauds, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Ryckmans, 
the Dyckmans, the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, 
the Oothouts, the Quackenbosses, the Roerbacks, 
the Garrebrantzes, the Bensons, the Brouwers, 
Uie Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Van^ 
gcrs, the Schermerhorns, the Stoutenbui'ghs, the 



424 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Briiikerlioffs, tlie Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, 
Mie Ilockstrassers, the Ten Breecheses and the 
Tongh Breecheses, with a host more of worthies, 
whose names are too crabbed to be written, or if 
Ihey could be written, it would be impossible for 
man to utter, — all fortified with a mighty din- 
iiei', and, to use the words of a great Dutch poet, 

" Brimful of wrath and cabbage." 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the 
midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, 
addressed liis troops in eloquent Low Dutch, ex- 
horting them to fight like duyvels, and assuring 
them that if they conquered, they should get 
plenty of booty, — if they fell, they should be 
allowed the satisfaction, Avliile dying, of reflecting 
that it was in the service of their country, and 
after they were dead, of seeing their names in- 
scribed in the temple of renown, and handed 
down, in company with all the other great men 
of the year, for the admiration of posterity. 
Finally, he swore to them, on the word of a gov- 
ernor (and they knew him too well to doubt it 
for a moment), tliat if he caught any mother's 
son of them looking pale, or playing craven, he 
would curry his hide till he made him run out 
of it like a snake in spring-time. Then lugging 
out his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times 
ov^er his head, ordered Van Corlear to sound a 
charge, and shouting the words " St. Nicholas 
And the Maniiattoes ! " courageously dashed for- 
wards. His warlike followers, who had employed 
*he interval in lighting ♦heir pipes, instiintly stuck 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 425 

them into their mouths, gave a furious puff, and 
charged gallantly under cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning 
Risingh not to fire until they could distinguish 
the whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in hor 
rid silence on the covert-way, until the eager 
Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then did 
they pour into them such a tremendous volley, 
that the very hills quaked around, and were ter- 
rified even unto an incontinence of water, inso- 
much that certain springs burst forth from their 
sides, which continue to run mito the present 
day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten 
the dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not the 
protecting Minerva kindly taken care that the 
Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual 
custom of shutting then' eyes and turning away 
their heads at the moment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping 
the counterscarp, and filling tooth and nail upon 
the foe -with furious outcries. And now might 
be seen prodigies of valor, unmatched in history 
or song. Here was the sturdy Stoffel Brmker- 
hoff brandishing his quarter-staff, like the giant 
Blanderon his oak-tree (for he scorned to carry 
any other weapon), and drumming a horrific tune 
upon the hard heads of the Swedish soldiery. 
There were the Van Kortlandts, posted at a dis- 
tance, hke the Locrian archers of yore, and ply- 
mg it most potently with the long-bow, for which 
they were so justly renowned. On a rising knoll 
were gathered the valiant men of Sing-Sing, as- 
sisting marvellously in the fight, by chanting the 



426 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

gi'eat song of St. Nicholas ; but as to the Gar- 
deniers of Hudson, they were absent on a ma- 
rauding party, la}'ing waste the neighboring 
water-melon patches. 

Li a different part of the field were the Van 
Grolls of Antony's Nose, struggling to get to 
the thickest of the fight, but horribly perplexed 
in a defile between two hills, by reason of the 
length of their noses. So also the Van Bunscho- 
tens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kick- 
ing with the left foot, were brought to a stand for 
want of wind, m consequence of the hearty din- 
ner they had eaten, and would have been put to 
utter rout but for the arrival of a gallant corps 
of voltigeurs, composed of the Hoppers, who ad- 
vanced nimbly to their assistance on one foot. 
Nor must I omit to mention the valiant achieve- 
ments of Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good 
quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight with a 
little pursy Swedish drummer, whose liide he 
drummed most magnificently, and whom he Avould 
infallibly have annihilated on the spot, but that 
lie had come into the battle with no other weapon 
but his trumpet. 

But now the combat thickened. On came the 
mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting- 
men of the Wallabout ; after them thundered the 
Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van 
Ri])pers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all 
before them ; then the Suy Dams, and the Van 
Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering 
oatli, at the liead of the warriors of Hell-gate, 
3lad in their thunder-and-lightning gaberdines; 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 427 

and lastly, the standard-bearers and body-guard 
of Peter Stuy vesant, bearing the great beaver of 
the Manhattoes. 

And now commenced the horrid din, the des- 
perate struggle, the maddenmg ferocity, the frantic 
desperation, the confusion and self-abandonment 
of war. Dutchman and Swede commingled, 
tugged, panted, and blowed. The heavens were 
darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang ! 
went the guns ; whack ! went the broad-swords ; 
thump ! went the cudgels ; crash ! went the mus- 
ket-stocks ; blows, kicks, cuffs, scratches, black 
eyes and bloody noses swelling the horrors of 
the scene ! Thick thwack, cut and hack, helter- 
skelter, higgledy-piggledy, hurly-burly, head- 
over-heels, rough-and-tumble ! Dunder and blix- 
um ! swore the Dutchmen ; splitter and splutter ! 
cried the Swedes. Storm the works ! shouted 
Hardkoppig Peter. Fire the mine ! roared stout 
Risingh. Tanta-rar-ra-ra ! twanged the trumpet 
of Antony Van Corlear ; — until all voice and 
sound became unintelligible, — grunts of pam, 
yells of fury, and shouts of triumph mmgling in 
one hideous clamor. The earth shook as if struck 
with a paralytic stroke ; trees shrunk aghast, and 
withered at the sight ; rocks burrowed m the 
gromid like rabbits ; and even Christina creek 
turned from its course, and ran up a hill in 
breatliless terror ! 

Lons huno: the contest doubtful ; for though 
a heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-com- 
pelling Jove," in some measure cooled their ardor, 
as doth a bucket of water tlu'own on a group 



428 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of fighting mastifis, yet did they but pause for 
a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the 
charge. Just at this juncture a vast and dense 
column of smoke was seen slowly rolling toward 
the scene of battle. The combatants paused for 
a moment, gazing in mute astonishment, until the 
wind, dispelling the murky cloud, revealed the 
flaunting banner of Michael Paw, the Patroon of 
Comraunipaw. That valiant chieftain came fear- 
lessly on at the head of a phalanx of oyster-fed 
Pavonians and a corps de reserve of the Van 
Arsdales and Van Bummels, who had remained 
behind to digest the enormous dinner they had 
eaten. These now trudged manfully forward, 
smoking their pipes with outrageous vigor, so as 
to raise the awful cloud that has been mentioned, 
but marching exceedingly slow, being short of 
leg, and of great rotundity in the belt. 

And now the deities who watched over the 
fortunes of the Nederlanders having unthinkingly 
left the field, and stepped into a neighboring 
tavern to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, 
a direful catastrophe had wellnigh ensued. Scarce 
had the myrmidons of Michael Paw attained the 
front of battle, when the Swedes, instructed by 
the cunning Risingh, levelled a shower 4)f blows 
full at their tobacco-pipes. Astounded at this 
assault, and dismayed at the havoc of their pipes, 
these ponderous warriors gave way, and like a 
drove of frightened elephants broke through the 
ranks of their own army. The little Hoppers 
were borne down in the surge; the sacred banner 
emblazoned with the gigantic oyster of Commu- 



HISTORY OF NKW YORK. 429 

nipaw was trampled in the dirt ; on blundered 
and thundered the heavy-stemed fugitives, the 
Swedes pressing on their rear and applying their 
feet a parte poste of the Van Arsdales and the 
Van Bummels with a vigor that prodigfously 
accelerated their movements ; nor did the re- 
nowned Michael Paw himself fail to receive 
divers grievous and dishonorable visitations of 
shoe-leather. 

But Avhat, oh Muse ! was the rage of Peter 
Stuyvesant, when from afar he saw his army giv- 
ing way ! In the transports of his wrath he sent 
forth a roar, enough to shake the very hills. The 
men of the Manhattoes plucked up new courage 
at the sound, or, rather, they rallied at the voice 
of their leader, of whom they stood more in awe 
than of all the Swedes in Christendom. With- 
out waiting for their aid, the daring Peter dashed, 
sword in hand, into the thickest of the foe. 
Then might be seen achievements worthy of 
the days of the giants. Wherever he went, the 
enemy shrank before him ; the Swedes fled to 
right and left, or were driven, like dogs, into their 
own ditch ; but as he pushed forward singly Avith 
headlong courage, the foe closed behind and hung 
upon his real'. One aimed a blow full at his 
heart ; but the protecting power which watches 
over the great and good turned aside the hostile 
blade and dii-ected it to a side-pocket, where re- 
posed an enormous iron tobacco-box, endowed, 
•ike the shield of Achilles, with supernatural 
poAvers, doubtless from bearing the portrait of 
the bhissed St. Nicholas. P(;ter Stuyvesant turned 



430 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

like an angry bear upon the foe, and seizing him, 
as he fled, by an immeasurable queue, " Ah, 
whoreson caterpillar," roared he, " here 's what 
shall make worms' meat of thee ! " So saying, he 
whirled his sword, and dealt a blow that would 
have decapitated the varlet, but that the pitying 
steel struck short and shaved the queue forever 
from his crown. At this moment an arquebusier 
levelled his piece from a neighboring mound, with 
deadly aim ; but the watchful Minerva, who had 
just stopped to tie up her garter, seeing the peril 
of her favorite hero, sent old Boreas Avith his 
bellows, who, as the match descended to the pan, 
gave a blast that blew the priming from the 
touch-hole. 

Thus waged the fight, when the stout Rismgh, 
surveying the field from the top of a little ravelin, 
perceived his troops banged, beaten, and kicked 
by the invincible Peter. Drawing his falchion 
and utterino; a thousand anathemas, he strode 
down to the scene of combat with some such 
thundering strides as Jupiter is said by Hesiod 
to have taken when he strode do^vn the spheres 
to hurl his thunder-bolts at the Titans. 

When the rival heroes came face to face, each 
made a prodigious stai't in the style of a veteran 
stage-champion. Then did they regard each 
other for a moment with the bitter aspect of 
two furious ram-cats on the point of a clapper- 
chunng. Then did they throw themselves into 
one attitude, then into another, striking their 
swoi'ds on the ground, first on the right side, tlien 
on the left; at last at it they went, with ii?credi- 



ni STORY OF NEW YORK. 431 

ble ferocity. Words cannot tell the prodigies of 
strength and valor displayed in this direful en- 
counter, — an encounter compared to which the 
far-famed battles of Ajax ^•v\{\\ Hector, of ^Jieas 
witli Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, Giiy of 
Warwick with Colbrand the Dane, or of that 
renowned Welsh knight, Sir Owen of the Moun- 
tains, with the giant Guylon, were all gentle 
sports and holiday recreations. At length the 
valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a 
blow, enough to cleave his adversary to tlie very 
chine ; but Risingh, nimbly raising his sword, 
warded it off so narrowly, that, glancing on one 
side, it shaved away a huge canteen in which he 
carried his liquor, — thence pursuing its trench- 
ant course, it severed off a deep coat-pocket, 
stored with bread and cheese, — which provant 
roUinoj amono- the armies, occasioned a fearful 
scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, 
and made the general battle to wax more furious 
than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores laid waste, 
the stout Risingh, collecting all his forces, aimed 
a mighty blow full at the hero's crest. In vain 
did his fierce little cocked hat oppose its course. 
The biting steel clove throuo;li the stubborn ram 
beaver, and would have cracked the crown of 
any one not endowed with supernatural hardnes? 
of head ; but the brittle weapon shivered in 
pieces on the skull of Hardkoppig Piet, shedding 
•a thousand sparks, like beams of glory, round 
his grizzly ^•isage. 

The good -Peter reeled with the blow, an(» 



432 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

turning up his eyes beheld a thousand suns, be« 
Rides moons and stars, dancing about the firma- 
ment ; at length, missing his footing, by reason 
of his wooden leg, down he came on his seat of 
honor with a crash which shook the surrounding 
hills, and might have wrecked his frame, had he 
not been received into a cushion softer than vel- 
vet, which Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicho- 
las, or some cow, had benevolently prepared for 
his reception. 

The furious Risingh, in despite of the maxim, 
cherished by all true knights, that " fair play 
is a jewel," hastened to take advantage of the 
hero's fall ; but, as he stooped to give a fatal 
blow, Peter Stuyvesant dealt him a thwack over 
the sconce with his wooden leg, which set a 
chime of bells ringing triple bob-majors in his 
cerebellum. The bewildered Swede stao^srered 
with the blow, and the wary Peter seizing a 
pocket-pistol, which lay hard by, discharged it 
full at the head of the reelino^ Risingh. Let not 
my reader mistake ; it was not a murderous 
weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a little 
sturdy stone pottle charged to the muzzle with a 
double dram of true Dutch courage, which tlie 
knowing Antony Van Corlear carried about him 
by way of replenishing his valor, and which had 
dropped fi-om liis wallet during his furious en- 
counter with tlie drummer. Tiie hideous weapon 
sang througli the air, and true to its course as 
was the fr{i<»;ment of a rock discliar";cd at Hector 
by bully Ajax, encountei'ed the head of the gigan- 
tic Swede with matchless violenceT 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 433 

This heaven-directed blow decided the battle. 
The ponderous pericranium of General Jan Ris- 
ingh sank upon his breast ; his knees tottered 
under him ; a deathlike torpor seized upon his 
frame, and he tumbled to the earth with such 
violence, that old Pluto started with affright, lest 
he should have broken through the roof of hia 
infernal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory : 
the Swedes gave way, the Dutch pressed for- 
ward ; tlie former took to their heels, the latter 
hotly pursued. Some entered with them, pell- 
mell, tlu-ough the sally-port ; others stormed the 
bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. 
Thus in a little while the fortress of Fort Chris- 
tina, which, like another Troy, had stood a siege 
of full ten hours, was carried by assault, with- 
out the loss of a smgle man on either side. Vic- 
tory, in the likeness of a gigantic ox-fly, sat 
perched upon the cocked hat of the gallant Stuy- 
vesant ; and it was declared, by all the writers 
whom he hired to write the histoiy of his expe- 
dition, that on this memorable day he gained a 
sufficient quantity of glory to immortalize a dozen 
of the greatest heroes in Christendom I- 



434 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 




CHAPTER IX. 

m WHICH THE AUTHOR AND THE READER, WHILE REPOSING AFTER TB* 
BATTLE. FALL INTO A VERY GRAVE DISCOURSE — AFTER WHICH IS 
RECORDED THE CONDUCT OP PETER STUTVESANT AFTER HIS VICTOR! 

HANKS to St. Nicholas, we have safely 
finished this tremendous battle : let us 
sit do\vn, my worthy reader, and cool 
ourselves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and 
agitation ; truly this fighting of battles is hot 
work ! and if your great commanders did but 
know what trouble they give their historians, 
they would not have the conscience to achieve so 
many horrible victories. But methinks I hear 
my reader complain, that throughout this boasted 
battle there is not the least slaughter, nor a sin- 
gle individual maimed, if we except the unhappy 
Swede, Avho was shorn of his queue by the tren- 
chant blade of Peter Stuyvesant ; all which, he 
observes, ,is a great outrage on probability, and 
liighly injurious to the interest of the narration. 

This is certainly an objection of no little mo- 
ment, but it arises entirely from the obscurity 
enveloping the remote periods of time about 
which I have midertaken to write. Thus, though 
doubtless, from tlie importance of the object and 
the prowess of the parties concerned, there must 
have been terrible carnage, and prodigies of valor 



r 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 435 

displayed before the walls of Christina, yet, not- 
withstanding that I have consulted every history, 
manuscript, and tradition, touching this memora- 
ble though long-foro-otten battle, I cannot find 
meiition made of a single man killed or wounded 
in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme 
modesty of our forefathers, who, unlike their 
descendants, were never prone to vaunt of their 
achievements ; but it is a virtue which places 
their historian in a most embarrassing predica- 
ment ; for, having promised my readers a liideous 
and unparalleled battle, and having worked them 
up into a warlike and blood-thirsty state of mind, 
to put them off without any havoc and slaughter 
would have been as bitter a disappointment as 
to summon a multitude of good people to attend 
an execution, and then cruelly balk them by a 
reprieve. 

Had the fates only allowed me some half a 
score of dead men, I had been content ; for I 
would have made them such heroes as abounded 
in the olden time, but whose race is now unfortu- 
nately extinct, — any one of whom, if we may 
believe those authentic writers, the poets, could 
drive great armies, like sheep, before him, and 
conquer and desolate whole cities by his single 
arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my 
disposal, all that was left me was to make the 
most I could of my battle, by means of kicks, 
and cuffs, and bruises, and such like ignoble 
wounds. And here I camiot but compare my 



436 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

dilemma, in some sort, to that of the divine IVlil- 
ton, who, having arrayed with sublime prepara- 
tion his immortal hosts against each other, is 
sadly put to it how to manage them, and hoAv he 
shall make the end of his battle answer to the 
beginning, inasmuch as, being mere spirits, lie 
cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh 
wound to any of his combatants. For my part, 
the greatest difficulty I found was, when I had 
once put my warriors in a passion, and let them 
loose into the midst of the enemy, to keep them 
from doing mischief. Many a time had I to 
restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigan- 
tic Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half 
a dozen httle fellows on his sword, like so many 
sparrows. And when I had set some hundred 
of missives flying in the air, I did not dare to 
suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it 
should have put an end to some unlucky Dutch- 
man. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it 
is to a writer thus in a manner to have his hands 
tied, and how many tempting opportunities I had 
to wink at, Avhere I might have made as fine a 
death-blow as any recorded in history or song. 

From my own experience I begin to doubt 
most potently of the authenticity of many <if 
Homer's stories. I verily believe, that, when he 
had once launched one of his favorite heroes 
among a crowd of the enemy, he cut do^Ti many 
an honest fellow, without any authority for so 
doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark, — 
and that often a poor fellow was sent to grim 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 437 

Pluto's domains, merely because he had a name 
that would give a sounding turn to a period, 
But I disclaim all such unprincipled liberties 
let me but have truth and the law on my side, 
and no man would fight harder than myself; but 
since the various records I consulted did not wai'- 
rant it, I had too much conscience to kill a single 
soldier. By St. Nicholas, but it would have 
been a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, 
the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough to 
lay any crime they can discover at my door, 
might have charged me with murder outright, 
and I should have esteemed myself lucky to 
escape with no harsher verdict tlian manslaugh- 
ter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly 
sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me 
to indulge in a melanclioly reflection which at 
this moment passes across my mind. How vain, 
how fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy 
bubbles after which we are panting and toiling 
in this world of fair delusions ! The wealth 
which the miser has amassed v/ith so many weary 
days, so many sleepless nights, a spendtln-ift here 
may squander away in joyless prodigality ; the 
noblest monuments which pride has ever reared 
to perpetuate a name, the hand of time will 
sihortly tumble into ruins ; and even the briglitest 
laurels, gained by feats of arms, may wither, 
and be fore\'er blighted by the chilling neglect 
of mankind. " How many illustrious heroes," 
says the good Boiitius, " who were once the pride 
and glory of th-^ age, hath the silence of his- 



438 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

torians buried in eternal oblivion ! " And this it 
was that induced the Spartans, when they went 
to battle, solemnly to sacrifice to tlie Muses, 
supplicating that their acliievements might be 
worthily recorded. Had not Homer tuned his 
lofty lyre, observes tlie elegant Cicero, tlie valor 
of Achilles had remained unsunoj. And such, 
too, after all the toils and perils he had braved, 
after all the gallant actions he had achieved, sucli 
too had nearly been the fate of the chivalric 
Peter Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped 
in and engraved his name on the indelible tablet 
of history, just as the caitiff Time was silently 
brushing it away forever ! 

The more I reflect, tlie more I am astonished 
at the important character of the historian. He 
is the sovereign censor to decide upon the renown 
or infamy of his fellow-men. He is the patron 
of kings and conquerors, on whom it depends 
whether they shall live in after-ages, or be for- 
gotten as were their ancestors before them. The 
tyrant may oppress while the object of his tyi*- 
anny exists ; but the historian possesses superior 
might, for his power extends even beyond the 
grave. The shades of departed and long-for- 
gotten heroes anxiously bend down from above, 
while he writes, watching each movement of his 
pen, whether it shall pass by their names with 
neglect, or inscribe them on the deathless pages 
of renown. Even the di'op of ink which hangs 
trembling on his pen, which he may either dash 
upon the floor, or waste in idle scrawlings, — 
that very drop, which to hini is not worth the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 439 

twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incalcu- 
lable value to some departed worthy, may elevate 
half a score, in one moment, to immortality, who 
would have given woi'lds, had they possessed 
them, to insure the glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I 
am mdulging in vainglorious boastmgs, or am 
anxious to blazon forth the importance of my 
tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I reflect 
on the awful responsibility we historians assume ; 
I shudder to think what direful commotions and 
calamities we occasion in the world ; I swear to 
thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at 
the very idea ! Why, let me ask, are so many 
illustrious men daily tearing themselves away 
from the embraces of their families, slio-htino: the 
smiles of beauty, despising the allurements of 
fortune, and exposing themselves to the miseries 
of war ? Why are kings desolating empires, and 
depopulating whole countries ? In short, what 
induces all great men of all ages and coimtries 
to commit so many victories and misdeeds, and 
inflict so many miseries upon mankind and upon 
themselves, but the mere hope that some histo- 
rian will kmdly take them into notice, and admit 
them into a corner of his volume ? For, in short, 
the mighty object of all their toils, their hard- 
ships, and privations, is nothing but immortal 
fame. And what is immortal fame ? — why, half 
a page of dirty paper ! Alas ! alas ! hoAv humiliat- 
ing the idea, that the renown of so great a man 
a.s Peter Stuyvesant should depend upon the pen 
of so little a num as Diedrich Knickerbocker! 



440 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

And now, having refi*eshed ourselves after the 
fatigues and perils of the field, it behooves us 
to return once more to the scene of conflict, and 
inquire what were the results of this renowned 
conquest. The fortress of Christina being the 
fair metropolis, and in a manner the key to New 
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the 
entire subjugation of the province. Tiiis Avas 
not a little promoted by the gallant and courteous 
deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though a 
man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory 
was he endued with a spirit generous, merciful, 
and humane. He vaunted not over his enemies, 
nor did he make defeat more galling by unmanly 
insults ; for hke that mirror of kniglitly virtue, 
the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more 
anxious to do great actions than to talk of them 
after they Avere done. He put no man to death ; 
ordered no houses to be burnt down ; permitted 
no ravages to be perpetrated on the property of 
the vanquished ; and even gave one of his brav- 
est officers a severe admonishment witli his wjdk- 
ing-staff, for havinoj been detected in the act of 
sacking a hen-roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting 
the inhabitants to submit to the authority of 
their High Mightinesses ; but declaring, Avitli 
unexampled clemency, that whoever i-efused 
should be lodged at the public expense in a 
goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have 
an armed retinue to wait on them in the bai-gain. 
In consequence of these beneficent terms, about 
thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward and took 



'J 

I 

I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 441 

the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which they 
were graciously permitted to remain on the banks 
of the Delaware, where their descendants reside 
at this very day. I am told, however, by divers 
observant travellers, that they have never beeu 
able to get over the chapfallen looks of theii 
ancestors, but that they still do strangely trans 
mit from father to son manifest marks of the 
sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Am- 
sterdammers. 

The whole country of New Sweden, having 
thus yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, 
was reduced to a colony called South River, and 
placed under the superintendence of a lieutenant- 
governor, subject to the control of the supreme 
government of New Amsterdam. This great dig- 
nitary was called Mynheer William Beekman, or 
rather Bech-uvim^ who derived his surname, as 
did Ovidious Naso of yore, from the lordly di- 
mensions of his nose, which projected from the 
centre of his countenance, like the beak of a par- 
rot. He was the great progenitor of the tribe 
of the B(;ekmans, one of the most ancient and 
honorable families of the province, the members 
of wliich do gratefully commemorate the origin 
of their dignity, — not as your noble families in 
England would do, by having a glowing pro- 
l)oscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, but by 
one and all wearing a right goodly nose, stuck in 
the very middle of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriousljr 
terminated, with tlie loss of only two men : Wol 
fert Vtyi Home, a tall spare man, who was knockei 



44:2 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

over^owrd by the boom of a sloop in a flaw of 
wind ; und fat Brom Van Bummel, who was sud- 
denly rrarried off by an indigestion ; both, how- 
ever, Were immortalized, as having bravely fallen 
in the Sfif vice of their country. True it is, Peter 
Stuyvesa.nt liad one of his limbs terribly fractured 
in the act of storming the fortress ; but as it was 
fortunately his w^ooden leg, the wound wa» 
promptly and effectually healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of 
my history but to mention that this immaculate 
hero, and his victorious army, returned joyously 
to the Manhattoes ; where they made a solemn 
and trhunphant entry, bearing with them the con- 
quered Risingh, and the remnant of his battered 
crew, who had refused allegiance ; for it appears 
that the gigantic Swede had only fallen into a 
swoon, at the end of the battle, from which he 
was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of 
the nose. 

Tliese captive heroes were lodged, according 
to the promise of the governor, at the public 
expense, in a fair and spacious castle, — beuig the 
prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the 
immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appointed 
governor, and which has ever since remained in 
the possession of his descendants.^ 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witnes3 
the joy of the people of New Amsterdam, at 
beholdimz their warriors once more return from 



1 Tliis castle, thom^h very miicli altereil ami modernized, is 
Btill in l)('inii[, and stands at the corner of Pearl Street, facing 
Coentie's slip. • 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 443 

this war in the wilderness. The old women 
thronged round Aiitony Van Corlear, who gave 
the whole history of the campaign with match- 
less accm'acy, saving that he took tlie credit of 
fighting the whole battle himself, and especially 
of vanquishing the stout Risingh, — which lie 
considered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing 
that it was effected by his own stone pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the tow^l gave 
holiday to their little urchins, who followed in 
droves after the drums, with paper caps on their 
heads, and sticks in their breeches, thus taking 
the first lesson in the art of war. As to the 
sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of Pe- 
ter Stuyvesant wherever he went, waving theii* 
greasy hats in the air, and shouting " Hardkop- 
pig Piet forever ! " 

It was hideed a day of roaring rout and jubi- 
lee. A huge dimier was prepared at tlie Stadt- 
house in honor of the conquerors, where were 
assembled in one glorious constellation the great 
and little luminaries of New Amsterdam. There 
were the lordly Schout and his obsequious dep- 
uty ; the burgomasters with their officious sche- 
l)cn3 at their elbows ; the subaltern officers at 
the elbows of the schepens, and so on down to 
the lowest hanger-on cf police : every lag having 
his rag at his side, to finish his pipe, drink off 
his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights of immortal 
dulness. In short, — lor a city feast is a city feast 
all the world over, and has been a city feast ever 
^ince the creation, — the dinner went off much 
the same as do our great corporation junketings 



444 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and Fourth-of-July banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, 
and fowl were devoured, oceans of liquor drank, 
thousands of pipes smoked, and many a dull 
joke honored with much obstreperous fat-sided 
laughter. 

I must not omit to mention that to this far- 
famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for 
another of his many titles ; for so Imgely de- 
lighted were the honest burghers with his 
achievements, that they unanimously honored 
him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is 
to say, Peter the Great, or, as it was translated 
into English by the people of New Amsterdam, 
for the benefit of their New England visitors, 
Piet de pig, — an appellation which he maintained 
even unto the day of his death. 




BOOK VII. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD PAllT OF THE REIGN OF PETER 
THE HEADSTRONG — HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH 
NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH 
DYNASTY. 



CHAPTER I. 



HOW PETER STUTVESANT RELIEVED THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE FROM THB 
BCRDEN OF TAKING CARE OP THE NATION j WITH SUNDRY PARTICU- 
LARS OF HIS CONDUCT IN TIME OP PEACE, AND OP THE RISE OP A. 
GREAT DUTCH ARISTOCRACY. 




HE history of the reign of Peter Stuy- 
vesant furnishes an edifying picture 
of the cares and vexations inseparable 
from sovereignty, and a solemn warning to all 
who are ambitious of attaining the seat of honor. 
Though returning in triumph and crowned witli 
victory, his exultation was checked on observing 
the abuses which had sprung up in New Amster- 
dam during his short absence. His walking-staff, 
which he had sent home to act as vicegerent, had, 
It is true, kept his council-chamber in order, — 
the comisellors eying it with awe, as it lay in 



446 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

grim repose upon the table, and smoking their 
pipes in silence, — but its control extended not 
out of doors. 

The populace unfortunately had had too much 
their own way under the slack though fitfid reign 
of William the Testy ; and though upon tlie ac- 
cession of Peter Stuyvesant they had felt, with 
the instinctive perception which mobs as Avell as 
cattle possess, that the reins of government had 
passed into stronger hands, yet could they not 
help fretting and chafing and champing upon the 
bit, in restive silence. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his ex- 
pedition against the Swedes, than the old factions 
of WiUiam Kieft's reign had again thrust their 
heads above water. Pot-house meetings were 
again held to " discuss the state of the nation," 
where cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, the self- 
dubbed "friends of the people," once more felt 
themselves inspired with the gift of legislation, 
and undertook to lecture on every movement of 
government. 

Now, as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular in- 
clination to govern the provmce by his individual 
will, his first move, on his return, was to put a 
stop to this gratuitous legislation. Accordingly, 
one evening, when an inspired cobbler Avas hold- 
injT forth to an assemblaoje of the kind, the in- 
trepid Peter suddenly made his appearance, with 
his ominous walking-staff in his hand, and a coun- 
tenance sufficient to petrify a mill-stone. The 
whole meeting was thrown into confusion, — the 
jrator stood aghast, with open mouth and trem- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 447 

bling knees, while " horror ! tyranny ! liberty ! 
rights ! taxes ! death ! destruction ! " and a host 
of other patriotic phrases were bolted forth before 
he had time to olose his lips. Peter took no 
notice of the skulking throng, but strode up to 
the brawling bully-ruffian, and pulling out a huge 
silver watch, which might have served in times 
of yore as a to^vn-clock, and which is still re- 
tained by his descendants as a family curiosity, 
requested the orator to mend it, and set it gomg. 
The orator humbly confessed it was utterly out 
of his power, as he was unacquainted with the 
nature of its construction. " Nay, but," said 
Peter, " try your ingenuity, man : you see all the 
springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsiest 
hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces ; and why 
should it not be equally easy to regulate as to 
stop it?" The orator declared that his trade 
was wholly different, — that he was a poor cob- 
bler, and had never meddled ^vith a watch in his 
life, — that there were men skilled in the art, 
whose business it was to attend to those matters ; 
but for his part, he should only mar the work- 
manship and put the whole in confusion. " Why, 
harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, — turning 
suddenly upon him, with a countenance that 
almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a per- 
fect lapstone, — " dost thou pretend to meddle with 
the movements of government, — to regulate, and 
correct, and patch, and cobble a complicated ma- 
clime, the principles of which are above thy com- 
prehension, and its simplest operations too subtle 
for thy understanding, when thou canst not cor- 



448 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

roct a trifling error in a common piece of mech- 
anism, the whole mystery of which is open to 
thy inspection ? — Hence with thee to the leather 
and stone, which are emblems of thy head ; cob- 
ble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the voca- 
tion for which Heaven has fitted thee. But," 
elevating his voice until it made the welkin ring, 
" if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, med- 
dling again with affairs of government, by St. 
Nicholas, but I '11 have every mother's bastard of 
ye flay'd alive, and your hides stretched for drum- 
heads, that ye may thenceforth make a noise to 
some purpose ! " 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in 
which it was uttered, caused the whole multitude 
to quake with fear. The hair of the orator rose 
on his head like his own swines' bristles, and not 
a knight of the thimble present but his heart 
died within him, and he felt as though he could 
have verily escaped through the eye of a needle. 
The assembly dispersed in silent consternation ; 
the pseudo-statesmen, who had hitherto under- 
taken to regulate public affairs, were now fain to 
stay at home, hold their tongues, and take care 
of their families ; and party feuds died away to 
such a degree, that many thriving keepers of tav- 
erns and dram-shops were utterly ruined for 
want of business. But though this measure pro- 
duced the desired effect in putting an extinguisher 
on the new lights just brightening up, yet did 
it tend to injure the popularity of the Great Peter 
with the flunking part of the community, that 
is to say, that part which thinks for others in- 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 449 

^tead of for themselves, or, in other words, who 
attend to everybody's business but their OAvn. 
These accused the old governor of being highly 
aristocratical ; and in truth there seems to have 
been some ground for such an accusation ; for lie 
carried himself with a lofty, soldier-like air, and 
was somewliat particular in dress, appeai'ing, 
when not in uniform, in rich apparel of the an- 
tique flaundrish cut, and was especially noted for 
having his sound leg (which was a very comely 
one) always arrayed in a red stocking and high- 
heeled shoe. 

Justice he often dispensed in the primitive pa- 
triarchal way, seated on the " stoep " before his 
door, under the shade of a great button-wood 
tree ; but all visits of form and state were re- 
ceived with something of court ceremony in the 
best parlor ; where Antony the Trumpeter offi- 
ciated as high chamberlain. On public occasions 
he appeared with great pomp of equipage, and 
always rode to church in a yellow wagon with 
flaming red wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony, as we 
have hinted, were much cavilled at by the think- 
ing (and talking) part of the community. They 
had been accustomed to find easy access to their 
former governors, and in particular had lived on 
terms of extreme intimacy with William the 
Testy ; and they accused Peter Stuyvesant of as- 
f3ummg too much dignity and reserve, and of 
wi-apping himself in mystery. Others, however, 
have pretended to discover in all this a shrewd 
policy on the part of the old governor. It ia 
29 



450 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

certainly of the first importance, say they, tha. 
a country should be governed by wise men : bu. 
then it is almost equally important tlitit the peo- 
ple should think them wise ; for this belief alone 
can produce willing subordination. To keep up, 
liowever, this desirable confidence in rulers, the 
people should be allowed to see as little of them 
as possible. It is the mystery which envelops 
great men, that gives them half their greatness. 
There is a kind of superstitious reverence for 
office which leads us to exaojorerate the merits of 
the occupant, and to suppose that he must be 
wiser than common men. He, however, who 
gains access to cabinets, soon finds out by what 
foolislmess the world is governed. He finds that 
there is quackery in legislation as in everything 
else ; that rulers have their whims and errors as 
well as other "^ men, and are not so wonderfully 
superior as he had imagined, since even he may 
occasionally confute them in argument. Thus 
awe subsides into confidence, coTifidence inspires 
familiarity, and familiarity produces contempt. 
Such was the case, say they, with William the 
Testy. By making himself too easy of access, 
he enabled every scrub-politician to measure wits 
with him, and to find out the true dimensions not 
only of his person but of his mind : and thus it 
Wiis that, by being familiarly scanned, he was 
discovered to be a very little man. Peter Stuy 
vesant on the contrary, say they, by conducting 
himself witli dignity and lofthiess, was looked up 
to with gi-eat reverence. As he never gave his 
reasons for anytliing he did, the public gave liim 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 451 

credit for very profound ones ; every movement, 
however intrinsically unimportant, was a matter 
jf speculation ; and his very red stockings ex- 
cited some respect, as being different from tlio 
stockings of other men. 

Another charge against Peter Stuyvesant was 
(hat he had a great leanuig in favor of the patri- 
cians ; and indeed in his time rose many of those 
mighty Dutch families which have taken such 
vigorous root, and branched out so luxuriantly in 
our State. Some, to be sure, were of earlier 
date, such as the Van Kortlandts, the Van Zandts, 
the T(m Broecks, the Harden Broecks, and others 
of Pavonian renown, who gloried in the title of 
" Discoverers," from havino^ been eno^aged in the 
nautical expedition from Communipaw, in which 
they so heroically braved the terrors of Hell-gate 
and Buttermilk Channel, and discovered a site for 
New Amsterdam. 

Others claimed to themselves the appellation 
of " Conquerors," from their gallant achievements 
in New Sweden and their victory over the Yan- 
kees at Oyster Bay. Such wt«,s that list of war- 
like worthies heretofore enumerated, beginning, 
with the Van Wycks, the Van Dycks, and the 
Ten Eycks, and extending to the Rutgers, the 
Bensons, the BrinkerhofFs, and the Schermer- 
liorns, — a roll equal to the Doomsday-Book of 
William the Conqueror, and establishing the 
heroic orighi of many an ancient aristocratical 
Dutch family. These, after all, are the only le- 
gitimate nobility and lords of the soil ; these are 
the real ''b^^avers of the Manhattoes " ; and much 



452 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

does it grieve me in modern days to see them 
vilboAved aside by foreign invaders, and more espe- 
cially by those ingenious people, " the Sons of the 
Pilgrims " ; who out-bargain them in the market, 
out-speculate them on the exchange, out-top tiiem 
\n fortune, and run up mushroom palaces so high, 
that the tallest Dutch family mansion has not 
^^^nd enough left for its weather-cock. 

In the proud days of Peter Stuyvesant, how- 
ever, the good old Dutch aristocracy loomed out 
in nil its grandeur. The burly burgher, m round- 
cro\-»'iied flamidrish hat with brim of vast circum- 
ference, in portly gabardine and bulbous multi- 
plicity of breecnes, sat on his "stoep" and smoked 
his pipe in loidly silence; nor did it ever enter 
his bram that the active, restless Yankee, whom 
lie saw through his half-shut eyes worrying about 
in dog-aay hcai, ever intent on the main chance, 
was one day to usurp control over these goodly 
Dutch uomaias.. Already, however, the races 
regarded each otner with disparaging eyes. The 
Yankees sneer ingly spoke of the round-crowned 
burghers of the Manhattoes as tlie " Copper- 
heads," wliile the latter, glorying in their own 
nether rotundity, and observing the slack galli- 
gaskins of their rivals, flapping like an empty 
sail against the mast, retorted upon them will 
the opprobrious appellation of " Platter-breeches ' 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 453 




CHAPTER 11. 

■ OW FETER ST0TVESANT LABORED TO CIVILIZE THE COMMDNITT — H0\» 
HE WAS A GREAT PROMOTER OP HOLIDAYS — HOW HE INSTITUTEB 
KISSING ON new-year's DAY — HOW HE DISTRIBUTED FIDDLES 
THROUGHOUT THE NEW NETHERLANDS — HOW HE VENTURED TC 
REFORM THE LADIES' PETTICOATS, AND HOW HE CAUGHT A TARTAB. 

*"^'^^^^^f^E,OM what I have recounted in the fore- 
going chapter I would not have it imag- 
ined that the great Peter was a tyranni- 
cal potentate, ruling with a rod of iron. On the 
contrary, where the dignity of office permitted, he 
abounded in generosity and condescension. If 
he refused the brawlino^ multitude the rig-lit of 
misrule, he at least endeavored to rule them in 
righteousness. To spread abundance in the land, 
he obliged the bakers to give thirteen loaves to 
the dozen, — a golden rule which remains a mon- 
ument of his beneficence. So far from indulg- 
ing in unreasonable austerity, he delighted to see 
the poor and the laboring man rejoice ; and for 
this purpose he was a great promoter of holi- 
days. Under his reign there was a great crack- 
ing of eggs at Paas or Easter ; Whitsuntide or 
Pinxter also flourished in all its bloom ; and 
never were stockings better filled on the eve of 
the blessed St. Nicholas. 

New- Year's day, however, was his favorite fes^ 
tival, and was ushered in by the ringing of bells 



154 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and firing of guns. On that genial day the 
fountains of hospitality were broken up, and 
the Avhole community was deluged with cherry- 
brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider ; every 
house was a temple of the jolly god ; and many 
0, provident vagabond got drunk out of pure econ- 
omy — taking in liquor enough gratis to serve hiui 
half a year afterwards. 

The great assemblage, however, was at the 
governor's house, whither repaii*ed all the burgh- 
ers of New Amsterdam with their wives and 
daughters, pranked out in their best attire. On 
this occasion the good Peter was devoutly ob- 
servant of the pious Dutch rite of kissing the 
women-kind for a Happy New Year ; and it is 
traditional that Antony the Trumpeter, who acted 
as gentleman usher, took toll of all wiio were 
young and handsome, as they passed through the 
ante-chamber. This venerable custom, thus hap- 
pily introduced, was followed with such zeal by 
high and low, that on New-Year's day, during the 
reign of Peter Stuyvesant, New Amsterdam was 
the most thoroughly be-kissed community in all 
Christendom. Another great measure of Peter 
Stuyvesant for public improvement was the dis- 
tribution of fiddles throughout the land. These 
were placed in the hands of veteran negroes, who 
were despatched a« missionaries to every part of 
the province. This measure, it is said, was first 
suggested by Antony the Trumpeter ; and the 
effect was marvellous. Instead of those " indig- 
nation meetings " set on foot in the time of Wil- 
liam tlie Testy, where men met together to rail 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 455 

at public abuses, groan over the evils of the 
times, and make each other miserable, there were 
joyous gatherings of the two sexes to dance and 
make merry. Now were instituted "quilting 
bees," and " husking bees," and other rural assem- 
blages, where, under the inspiring influence of 
the fiddle, toil was enlivened by gayety and fol 
lowed up by the dance. " Raising bees " also were 
frequent, Avhere houses sprung up at the wagging 
of the fiddle-sticks, as the walls of Thebes sprang 
up of yore to the sound of the lyre of Amphion. 

Jolly autumn, which pours its treasures over 
hill and dale, was in those days a season for the 
lifting of the heel as well as the heart ; labor 
came dancing in the train of abundance, and 
frolic prevailed throughout the land. Happy 
days ! when the yeomanry of the Nieuw Neder- 
lands were merry rather than wise ; and when 
the notes of the fiddle, those harbingers of good- 
humor and good-will, resounded at the close of 
the day from every hamlet along the Hudson ! 

Nor was it in rural communities alone that 
Peter Stuyvesant introduced his favorite engine 
of civilization. Under his rule the fiddle ac- 
quired that potent sway in New Amsterdam 
which it has ever since retained. Weekly assem- 
blages were held, not in heated ball-rooms at mid- 
night hours, but on Saturday afternoons, by the 
golden light of the sun, on the green lawn of the 
Battery, — with Antony the Trumpeter for master 
of ceremonies. Here would the good Peter take 
his seat under the spreading trees, among the old 
burghers and their wives, and watch the mazes 



456 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of the dance. Here would he smoke his pipe, 
crack his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war 
hi the sweet oblivious festivities of peace, giving 
a nod of approbation to those of the yoimg men 
who shuffled and kicked most vigorously, — and 
now and then a hearty smack, in all honesty of 
soul, to the buxom lass who held out longest, and 
tired down every competitor, — infallible proof of 
her being the best dancer. 

Once, it is true, the harmony of these meet- 
ings was in danger of interruption. A young 
belle, just returned from a visit to Holland, who 
of course led the fashions, made her appearance 
in not more than half a dozen petticoats, and 
these of alarming shortness. A whisper and a 
flutter ran through the assembly. The young 
men, of course, were lost in admiration ; but the 
old ladies were shocked in the extreme, espe- 
cially those who had marriageable daughters ; 
the young ladies blushed and felt excessively for 
the " poor thing," and even the governor himself 
appeared to be in some kuid of perturbation. 

To complete the confusion of the good folks, 
she undertook, in the course of a jig, to describe 
some figures in algebra taught her by a dancing- 
master at Rotterdam. Unfortunately, at the high- 
est flourish of her feet some vagabond zephyr 
3btriided his services, and a display of the graces 
took place, at which all the ladies present were 
thrown into great consternation ; several grave 
country members were not a little moved, and the 
good Peter Stuyvesan< himself wtis grievously 
scandalized. 



HISTJR7 OF NEW YORK. 457 

The shortness of the females' dress, which had 
continued in fashion ever since the days of Wil- 
liam Kaeft, had long offended his eye ; and 
though extremely averse to meddling with the 
petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately rec- 
ommended that every one should be furnished 
with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise or- 
dered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, 
should use no other step in dancing than " shuffle 
and turn," and " double trouble " ; and forbade, un- 
der pain of his high displeasure, any young lady 
thenceforth to attempt what was termed " exhibit- 
ing the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever im- 
posed upon the sex ; and these were considered 
by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted 
with that becoming spirit manifested by the gentle 
sex whenever their privileges are invaded. In 
fact, Antony Van Corlear, wlio, as has been 
shown, was a sagacious man, experienced in the 
ways of women, took a private occasion to ulti- 
mate to the governor that a conspiracy was form- 
ing among the young vrouws of New Amster- 
dam ; and that, if the matter were pushed any 
further, there was danger of their leaving off 
petticoats altogether ; whereupon the good Peter 
shrugged his shoulders, dropped the subject, and 
ever after suffered the women to wear their pet- 
ticoats and cut their capers as high as they 
pleased, — a privilege which they have jealously 
maintained in the Manhattoes unto the present 
day. 



45S HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER in. 

now TBOTJBtES THICKENED ON THE PROVINCE — HOW IT IS THRE\.TENE!) 
BY THE UELDERBERGERS, THE MERRYLANDERS, AND THE GIANTS OP 
THE SUSQUEHANNA. 

iN the last two chapters I have regaled 
the reader with a delectable picture of 
the good Peter and his metropolis dur- 
ing an interval of peace. It was, however, but 
a bit of blue sky in a stormy day ; the clouds 
are again gatliering up from all points of the 
compass, and, if I am not mistaken in my fore- 
bodings, we shall have rattling weather in the 
ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities as it is with cer- 
tain meddlesome individuals : they have a won- 
derful facility at getting into scrapes ; and I have 
always remarked that those are most prone to get 
in who have the least talent at getting out again. 
This is doubtless owing to the excessive valor of 
those states ; for I have likewise noticed that this 
rampant quality is always most frothy and fussy 
where most confined ; which accounts for its va- 
poring so amazingly in little states, little men 
and ugly little women more especially. 

Such is the case with this little province of 
the Nieuw Nederlands ; whicli, by its exceeding 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 459 

ralor, has already drawn upon itself a host of 
enemies ; has had fighting enough to satisfy a 
province twice its size ; and is in a fair way of 
l>ecoming an exceedingly forlorn, well-belabored, 
and woe-begone little province. All which was 
providentially ordered to give interest and sublim- 
ity to this pathetic history. 

The first interruption to the halcyon quiet of 
Peter Stuyvesant was caused by hostile intelli- 
gence from the old belligerent nest of Rensellaer- 
stein. Killian, the lordly patroon of Rensellaer- 
wick, was again in the field, at the head of his 
myrmidons of the Helderberg, seeking to annex 
the whole of the Kaats-kill mountains to his do- 
minions. The Indian tribes of these mountains 
had likewise taken up the hatchet and menaced 
the venerable Dutch settlement of Esopus. 

Fain would I entertain the reader with the tri- 
umphant campaign of Peter Stuyvesant in the 
haunted regions of those mountains, but that I 
hold all Indian conflicts to be mere barbaric 
brawls, unworthy of the pen which has recorded 
the classic war of Fort Christina ; and as to 
these Helderberg commotions, they are amoiig 
the flatulencies wliich from time to time afflict 
the bowels of this ancient province, as with a 
wind-colic, and which I deem it seemly and de- 
cent to pass over in silence. 

The next storm of trouble was from the south. 
Scarcely had the worthy Mynheer Beekman got 
svai'm in the seat of authority on the South 
River, than enemies began to spring up all 
around him. Hard by was a formidable race 



460 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of savages inhabiting the gentle region watered 
by the Susquehanna, of whom the following men- 
tion is made by Master Hariot, in his excellent 
history : 

" The Susquesahanocks are a giantly people, 
strange in proportion, behavior and attire — their 
voice sounding from them as out of a cave. 
Their tobacco-pipes were three-quarters of a 
yard long ; carved at the great end with a bird, 
beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the 
brains of a horse. The calfe of one of theii* 
legges measured three-quarters of a yard about ; 
the rest of the limbs proportionable." ^ 

These gigantic savages and smokers caused no 
little disquiet in the mind of Mynheer Beekman, 
threatening to cause a famine of tobacco in the 
land ; but his most formidable enemy was the 
roaring, roistering English colony of Maryland, 
or, as it was anciently written, Merryland, — so 
called because the inhabitants, not having the 
fear of the Lord before their eyes, were prone to 
make merry and get fuddled with mint-julep and 
apple-toddy. They were, moreover, great horse- 
racers and cock - lighters, mighty wrestlers and 
jumpers, and enormous consumers of hoe-cake 
and bacon. They lay claim to be the first invent- 
ors of those recondite beverages, cock-tail, stone- 
fence, and sherry-cobbler, and to have discovered 
the gastronomical merits of terrapins, soft crabs, 
and canvas-back ducks. 

This rantipole colony, founded by Lord Balti- 
more, a British nobleman, was managed by liis 
1 Harlot's Joarnal, Purch. Pilgrims. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 461 

Agent, a swaggering Englishman, commonly called 
Fendall, that is to say, " offend all," — a name 
given him for his bullying propensities. These 
were seen in a message to Mynheer Beekman, 
threatening him, unless he immediately swore 
alleoiiance to Lord Baltimore as the risrhtful lord 
of the soil, to come, at the head of the roaring 
boys of Merryland and the giants of the Susque- 
hanna, and sweep him and his Nederlanders out 
of the country. 

The trusty sword of Peter Stuyvesant almost 
leaped from its scabbard when he received mis- 
sives from Mynheer Beekman, informing him of 
the swaggering menaces of llie bully Fendall ; 
and as to the giantly warriors of the Susque- 
hanna, nothmg would have more delighted him 
than a bout, hand to hand, with half a score of 
them, liaving never encountered a giant m the 
whole coiu'se of his campaigns, unless we may 
consider the stout Risingh as such — and he was 
but a little one. 

Nothing prevented his marching instantly to 
the South River and enacting scenes still more 
glorious than those of Fort Christina, but the 
necessity of first putting a stop to the increasing 
agrgrression^ and inroads of the Yankees, so as not 
to leave an enemy in his rear ; but lie wrote to 
Mynheer Beekman to keep up a bold front and 
stout heart, promising, as soon as he had settled 
affairs in the east, that he would hasten to the 
south with his burly warriors of the Hudson, to 
lower the crests of the giants, and mar the mer- 
*iment of the Merrylanders. 



462 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER IV. 

noiV PETER 3TUYVESANT ADVENTURED INTO THE EAST OOUNIRT, AND 
HOW HE PARED THERE. 

O explain the apparently sudden move- 
ment of Peter Stuyvesant against the 
crafty men of the East Comitry, I would 
observe that, during his campaigns on the South 
River, and in the enchanted regions of the Cats- 
kill Mountains, the twelve tribes of the East 
had been more than usually active in prosecuting 
their subtle scheme for the subjugation of the 
Nieuw Nederlands. 

Lidependent of the incessant maraudings among 
hen-roosts and squattings along the border, invad- 
ing armies would penetrate, from time to time, 
into the very heart of the country. As their 
prototypes of yore went forth into tlie land of 
Canaan, with their wives and their children, their 
men-servants and their maid-servants, their flocks 
and herds, to settle themselves down in the Imid 
and possess it, so these chosen people of modem 
days would progress through the country in pa- 
triarchal style, conducting carts and wagons la- 
den with household furniture, with women and 
children piled on top, and jjots and kettles dan- 
gling beneath. At the tails of th(ise velw>4eH 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 463 

would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank-sided 
varlets, with axes on their shoulders and packs on 
their backs, resolutely bent upon " locating " them- 
selves, as they termed it, and improving the 
country. These were the most dangerous kind 
of invaders. It is true they were guilty of no 
overt acts of hostility ; but it was notorious that, 
wherever they got a footing, the honest Dutch- 
men gradually disappeared, retiring slowly, as do 
the Indians before the white men, being in some 
way or other talked and chafted, and bargained 
and swapped, and, m plam English, elbowed out 
of all those rich bottoms and fertile nooks in 
which our Dutch yeomamy are prone to nestle 
themselves. 

Peter Stuyvesant was at length roused to this 
kind of war m disguise, by which the Yankees 
were craftily aimmg to subjugate his dominions. 
He was a man easily taken in, it is true, as all 
great-hearted men are apt to be ; but if he once 
found it out, his ^vl'ath was terrible. He now 
threw diplomacy to the dogs — determined to 
appear no more by ambassadors, but to repair in 
person to the great council of the Amphictyons, 
bearing the sword in one hand and the olive- 
branch in the other, and giving them their choice 
of sincere and honest peace, or open and iron 
war. 

His privy councillors were astonished and dis- 
mayed when he announced his determmation. 
For once they ventured to remonstrate, setting 
forth the rashness of venturing his sacred person 
In the midst of a strange and barbarous people. 



464 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

They might as well have tried to turn a rusty 
weather-cock with a broken- winded bellows. In 
the fiery heart of the iron-headed Peter sat en- 
throned the five kinds of courage described by 
Ai'istotle ; and had the philosopher enumerated 
five hundred more, I verily believe he would 
have possessed them all. As to that better part 
of valor called discretion, it was too cold-blooded 
a virtue for his tropical temperament. 

Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trus- 
ty follower, Antony Van Corlear, he commanded 
him to hold himself in readiness to accompany 
him the folio wins: morninof on this his hazardous 
enterprise. Now Antony the Trumpeter was by 
this time a little stricken in years, but by dint 
of keeping up a good heart, and having never 
known care or sorrow (having never been mar- 
ried), he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, 
gamesome wag, and of great capacity in the doub- 
let. This last was ascribed to his living a jolly 
life on those domains at the Hook, wliich Peter 
Stuyvesant had granted to him for liis gallantry 
at Fort Casimir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more 
delighted Antony than this command of the great 
Peter, for he could have followed the stout* 
hearted old governor to the world's end, witli 
love and loyalty ; and he moreover still remem- 
bered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, 
and other disports of the east country, and enter- 
tained dainty recollections of numerous kind and 
buxom lasses, whom he longed exceedingly again 
to encounter 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 465 

Thus then did tliis mirror of hardihood set 
forth, with no other attendant but his triunpeter, 
upon one of the most perilous enterprises ever 
recorded in the annals of knight-errantry. For 
a single warrior to venture openly among a whole 
nation of foes, — but, above all, for a plain down- 
rigrht Dutchman to think of ne":otiatinoi; with the 
whole comicil of New England ! — never was 
there known a more desperate undertaking ! — 
Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of 
this peerless but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, 
has he kept me in a state of incessant action and 
anxiety with the toils and dangers he is constant- 
ly encountering. Oh ! for a chapter of the tran- 
quil reign of Wouter Van T^viller, that I might 
repose on it as on a feather-bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I 
have once already rescued thee from the machi- 
nations of these terrible Amphictyons, by bringing 
the powers of witchcraft to thine aid? Is it 
not enough, that I have followed thee midaunted, 
like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid 
battle of Fort Christina ? — that I have been 
put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe 
and sound, — now warding off with my single 
pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon 
thy rear, — now narrowly shielding thee from a 
deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco-box, — now cas- 
ing thy dauntless skull with adamant, when even 
thy stubborn ram-beaver failed to resist the sword 
of the stout Risingh, — and now, not merely 
biinging thee off alive, but triumphant, from the 
clutches of the gigantic Swede, by the desperate 
30 



466 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

meana of a paltry stone pottle ? Is not all this 
enough, but must thou still be plunging into new 
difficulties, and hazarding in headlong enterprises 
thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ? 

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a bux- 
om chambermaid, draws aside the sable curtains 
of the night, and out bounces from his bed the 
jolly red-haired Phoebus, startled at being caught 
so late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With 
many a stable-boy oath he harnesses his brazen- 
footed steeds, and whips, and lashes, and splashes 
up the firmament, like a loitering coachman, half 
an hour behind his time. And now behold that 
imp of fame and prowess, the headstrong Peter, 
bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, gal- 
lantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing on 
his thigh that trusty brass-hilted sword, which 
had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of 
the Delaware. 

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter, 
Van Corlear, mounted on aVbroken-winded, Avall- 
eyed, calico mare, his stone pottle, which had 
laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his 
arm, and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his 
right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on 
which is emblazoned the great beaver of the 
Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing out of 
the city-gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with 
his faithful squire at his heels, the populace fol- 
lowing with their eyes, and shouting many a 
parting wish, and hearty cheering. — Farewell, 
Hardkoppig Piet ! Farewell, honest Antony ! — • 
Pleasant be your wayfaring — prosperous your 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 467 

return ! The stoutest hero that ever drew a 
Bword, and the worthiest trumpeter that ever trod 
Bhoe-leather ! 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events 
that befell our adventurers in this their adven- 
turous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant manu- 
scrij)t, which gives the substance of a pleasant 
little heroic poem, wi'itten on the occasion by 
Dominie ^gidius Luyck,^ who appears to have 
been the poet-laureate of New Amsterdam. This 
inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a 
rare spectacle to behold the great Peter and his 
loyal follower hailing the morning sun, and rejoic- 
mg m the clear countenance of nature, as they 
pranced it through the pastoral scenes of Bloe- 
men Dael ; which, in those days, was a sweet 
and rural valley, beautified with many a bright 
wild-flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, 
and enlivened here and there by a delectable ht- 
tle Dutch cottage, sheltered luider some sloping 
hill, and almost buried in embowermg trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Con- 
necticut, where they encountered many grievous 
difficulties and perils. At one place they were 
assailed by a troop of country squires and militia 
colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung 
upon their rear for several miles, harassing them 
exceedingly with guesses and questions, more 
especially the worthy Peter, whose silver-chased 
leg excited not a little marvel. At another place, 

1 This Luyck was moreover rector of the Latin School ic 
Nieuw Nederlands, 1663. There are two pieces addressed to 
iEgidins Luyck in D. Selyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his mar- 
riage with Judith Isendooru. Old MS. 



468 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they 
were set upon by a great and mighty legion of 
church-deacons, who imperiously demanded of 
them five sliiilings, for travelling on Sunday, and 
threatened to carry them captive to a neighboring 
church, whose steeple peered above the trees ; 
but these the valiant Peter put to rout with little 
difficulty, insomuch that they bestrode their canes 
and galloped off in horrible confusion, leaving 
theu' cocked hats behind in the hurry of their 
flight. But not so easily did he escape from the 
hands of a crafty man of Pyquag, Avho, with un- 
daunted perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly 
bargamed him out of his goodly switch - tailed 
charger, leaving in place thereof a villanous, 
foundered Narraganset pacer. 

But maugre all these hardships, they pursued 
their journey cheerily along the course of the 
soft-flowuig Connecticut, whose gentle waves, says 
the song, roll through many a fertile vale and 
sunny plain, — now reflecting the lofty spires of 
the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of 
the humble hamlet, — now echoing with the busy 
hum of commerce, and now with the cheerful 
song of the peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who 
was noted for warlike punctilio, order the stui'dy 
Antony to sound a courteous salutation ; tliough 
the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants 
were thrown into great dismay when they heard 
of his approach. For the fame of his incompa- 
rable acliievements on the Delaware had spread 
tlii'oughout the east country, and they dreaded 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 469 

lest he had come to take vengeance on their man- 
ifold transgressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns 
with a smiling aspect, waving his hand with 
inexpressible majesty and condescension ; for he 
verily believed that the old clothes which these 
ingenious people had thrust into their broken 
windows, and the festoons of dried apples and 
peaches which ornamented the fronts of their 
houses, were so many decorations in honor of his 
approach, as it was the custom in the days of 
chivalry to compliment renowned heroes by sumpt- 
uous displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. 
The women crowded to the doors to gaze upon 
him as he passed, so much does prowess in arms 
delight the gentle sex. The little children, too, 
ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at 
his regimentals, his brimstone breeches, and the 
silver garniture of his wooden leg. Nor must I 
omit to mention the joy which many strapping 
wenches betrayed at beholding the jovial Van 
Corlear, who had whilom delighted them so much 
with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's 
challenge to the Amphictyons. The kind-hearted 
Antony alighted from his cahco mare, and kissed 
them r11 with infinite loving-kindness, — and was 
right pleased to see a crew of little trumpeters 
crowdino; around liim for his blessincr, each of 
whom he patted on the head, bade him be a 
good boy, and gave liim a penny to buy molas* 
ses candy. 



470 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER V. 

■OW THE YANKEES SECRETLY SOUGHT THE AID OF THE BRITISH CAJmif 
IN THEIR HOSTILE SCHEMES AGAINST THE MANHATTOES. 

jOW so it happened, that, while the great 
and good Peter Stuyvesant, followed by 
his trusty squire, was making his chival- 
ric progress through the east country, a dark 
and direful scheme of war against his beloved 
province was forming in that nursery of mon- 
stious projects, the British Cabinet. 

This, we are confidently informed, was the 
result of the secret instigations of the great 
council of the league ; who, finding themselves 
totally incompetent to vie in arms with the heavy- 
sterned warriors of the INIanhattoes and their 
iron-headed commander, sent emissaries to the 
British government, setting forth in eloquent lan- 
guage the wonders and delights of this delicious 
little Dutch Canaan, and imploring that a force 
might be sent out to invade it by sea, while they 
should cooperate by land. 

These emissaries arrived at a criticiil juncture, 
just as the British Lion was beginning to bristle 
up his mane and wag his tail ; for we are assured 
by the anonymous wi-iter of the Stuyvesant man- 
uscript, that tlie astoujiding victory of Peter 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK 471 

Stiiyvesant at Fort Christina had resounded 
throughout Europe, and his annexation of the 
territory of New Sweden had awakened th*^ jeal- 
ousy of the British Cabinet for their wild lands 
at the south. This jealousy was brought to a 
head by the representations of Lord Baltimore, 
who declared that the territory thus annexed lay 
within the lands granted to him by the British 
crown, and he claimed to be protected in his 
rights. Lord Sterling, another British subject, 
claimed the whole of Nassau, or Long Island, 
Dnce the Ophir of William the Testy, but now 
the kitchen-garden of the Manhattoes, which he 
declared to be British territory by the right of 
discovery, but unjustly usurped by the Neder- 
landers. The result of all these rumors and 
representations was a sudden zeal on the part of 
his Majesty Charles the Second, for the safety 
and well-being of liis transatlantic possessions, and 
especially for the recovery of the New Nether- 
lands, which Yankee logic had, somehow or other, 
proved to be a continuity of the territory taken 
possession of for the British crown by the Pil- 
grims, when they landed on Plymouth Rock, fugi- 
tives from British oppression. All this goodly 
land, thus wrongfully held by the Dutchmen, he 
presented, in a fit of affection, to his brother, the 
Duke of York, — a donation truly royal, since 
none but great sovereigns have a right to give 
away what does not belong to them. That this 
munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his 
Majesty ordered that an armament should be 
straightway dispatched to invade the city of New 



472 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Amsterdam by land and water, and put his 
brother in complete possession of tlie premises. 

Thus critically situated are the affairs of the 
New Nederlanders. Wliile the honest burghers 
are smoking their pipes m sober security, and the 
privy councillors are snoring in the council-cham- 
ber, — while Peter the Headstrong is undauntedly 
making his way through the east country in the 
confident hope by honest words and manly deeds 
to bring the grand council to terms, — a hostile 
fleet is sweeping like a thunder-cloud across the 
Atlantic, soon to rattle a storm of war about the 
ears of the dozing Nederlanders, and to put the 
mettle of their governor to the trial. 

But come what may, 1 here pledge my ve- 
racity, that in all warlike conflicts and doubtful 
perplexities he will ever acquit liimself like a 
gallant, noble-minded, obstinate old cavalier. — 
Forward, then, to the charge ! Shme out, pro- 
pitious stars, on the renowned city of tlie Mau- 
hattoes ; and the blessmg of St. Nicholas go with 
thee — honest Peter Stuyvesant. 



X 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 473 




CHAPTER VI. 

0» PETER STUrVESANT'S EXPEDITION INTO TUE EAST COUNTRT, SHOW 
INQ THAT, THOUGH AN OLD BIRD, HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND TRAP. 

!REAT nations resemble great men in 
this particular, that their greatness is 
seldom known until they get in trouble ; 
adversity, therefore, has been wisely denominated 
the ordeal of true greatness, which, like gold, 
can never receive its real estimation until it has 
passed through the furnace. In proportion, there- 
fore, as a nation, a community, or an individual 
(possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is 
involved in perils and misfortunes, in proportion 
does it rise in grandeur, and even when sinking 
under calamity, makes, like a house on fire, a 
more glorious display than ever it did m the 
fairest period of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming 
with population and imbibing and concentrating 
the wealth of nations, has vegetated tlu^ough a 
succession of drowsy ages ; and were it not for its 
internal revolutions, and the subversion of its 
ancient government by the Tartars, might have 
presented nothing but a dull detail of monotonous 
prosperity. Pom[)eii and Ilerculaneum might 
bave passed into oblivion, with a herd of tlieir con 



474 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

temporaries, liad they not been fortunately over- 
whelmed by a volcano. The renowned city of 
Troy acquired celebrity only from its ten years' 
distress, and final conflagration ; Paris rose in 
importance by the plots and massacres which 
ended in the exaltation of Napoleon ; and even 
the mighty London has skulked through the rec- 
ords of time, celebrated for nothing of moment 
excepting the plague, the great fu'e, and Guy 
Faux's gunpowder plot ! Thus cities and em- 
pires creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity, 
until they burst forth in some tremendous calam- 
ity — and snatch, as it were, immortality from 
the explosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my reader 
will plainly perceive that the city of New Am- 
sterdam and its dependent province are on the 
lii";h-road to o;reatness. Dano^ers and hostilities 
threaten from every side, and it is really a mat- 
ter of astonishment, how so small a state has been 
able, in so short a time, to entangle itself in so 
many difficulties. Ever since the province was 
first taken by tlie nose, at the Fort of Goed 
Hoop, in the tranquil days of Wouter Van Twil- 
ler, has it been gradually increasing in liistoric 
importance ; and never could it have had a more 
appropriate cliieftain to conduct it to the pinnacle 
of grandeur than Peter Stuyvesant. 

This truly headstrong hero having success- 
fully effected his daring progress througli the east 
country, girded up his loins as he approached 
Boston, and prepared for the gi'and onslaught 
with the Amphictyons, which was to be the 



HIST OR f OF NEW YORK. 475 

orowning achievement of the campaign. Throw- 
ing Antony Van Corlear, who, with his calico 
mare, formed his escort and army, a little in the 
advance, and bidding him be of stout heart and 
great wmd, he placed himself firmly in his sad- 
dle, cocked his hat more fiercely over his left eye, 
summoned all the heroism of his soul into his 
countenance, and, with one arm akimbo, the hand 
resting on the pommel of his sword, rode into the 
great metropolis of the league, Antony sounding 
his trumpet before him in a manner to electrify 
the whole community. 

Never was there such a stu' in Boston as on 
this occasion ; never such a hurrying hither and 
thither about the streets ; such popping of heads 
out of wuidows ; such gathering of loiots in mar- 
ket-places. Peter Stuyvesant was a straightfor- 
ward man, and prone to do everythmg above- 
board. He would have ridden at once to the 
great council-house of the league and sounded 
a parley ; but the grand council knew the met- 
tlesome hero they had to deal with, and were not 
for doing things in a hurry. On the contrary, 
they sent forth deputations to meet him on the 
way, to receive him in a style befitting the 
great potentate of the Manhattoes, and to multi- 
ply all kind of honors, and ceremonies, and for- 
malities, and other courteous impediments in his 
path. Solemn banquets were accordingly given 
him, equal to thanksgiving feasts. Complimentary 
speeches Avere made him, wherein he was enter- 
tained with the surpassing virtues, long-sufi'erings, 
and achievements of the Pilgrim-Fathers; and it 



476 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

IS even said he was treated to a sight of Plym 
outh Rock, — that great corner-stoue of Yankee 
empire. 

I mil not detain my readers by recounting the 
endless devices by which time was wasted, and 
obstacles and delays multiplied to the infinite an- 
noyance of the impatient Peter. Neither will 1 
fatigue them by dwelling on his negoticitions with 
the grand council, when he at length brought 
them to business. Suffice it to say, it was like 
most other diplomatic negotiations : a great deal 
was said and very little done ; one conversation 
led to another, one conference begot misunder- 
standings which it took a dozen conferences to 
explain, at the end of which both parties found 
themselves just where they had begun, but ten 
times less likely to come to an agreement. 

In the midst of these perplexities which bewil- 
dered the brain and incensed the ii'C of honest 
Peter, he received private intelligence of the dark 
conspiracy matured in the Britisli cabinet, with 
the astounding fact that a British squadron was 
already on the way to invade New Amsterdam 
by sea, and that the grand council of Amphic- 
tyons, while thus beguiling him with subtleties, 
were actually prepared to cooperate by land ! 

Oh ! how did the sturdy old warrior rage and 
roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like 
a lion in the hunter's toil ! Now did he draw 
his trusty sword, and determine to break in upon 
the council of the Ampliictyons and put every 
mother's son of them to death. Now did lie 
resolve to fight his way throughout all the region 
of the east, and to lay waste Connecticut river ! 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 477 

Gallant, but unfortunate Peter ! Did I not 
enter with sad forebodings on this ill-starred ex- 
pedition ? Did I not tremble Avlien I saw thee, 
with no other counsellor than tliine own head ; 
no other armor but an honest tongue, a spotless 
conscience, and a rusty sword ; no other pro- 
tector but St. Nicholas, and no other attendant 
but a trumpeter ; did I not tremble when I be- 
held thee thus sally forth to contend with all the 
iinowing powers of New England ? 

It was a long time before the kind-hearted 
expostulations of Antony Van Corlear, aided by 
the soothmg melody of his trumpet, could lower 
the spirits of Peter Stuyvesant from their war 
like and vmdictive tones, and prevent his making 
widows and orphans of half the population of 
Boston. With great difficulty he was prevailed 
upon to bottle up his wrath for the present, to 
conceal from the council his knowledge of their 
machinations, and by effecting his escape, to be 
able to arrive in time for the salvation of the 
Manhattoes. 

The latter suggestion awakened a new ray of 
hope in his bosom ; he forthwith dispatched a se- 
cret message to his councillors at New Amster- 
dam, apprising them of theu* danger, and com- 
manding them to put the city in a posture of 
defence, promismg to come as soon as possible 
to their assistance. This done, he felt marvel- 
lously relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a 
rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much 
the same mamier as Giant Despair is described 
to have issued from Doubting Castle, in the chi- 
valric history of the Pilgi'im's Progress. 



478 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

And now much does it grieve me that I must 
leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy ; 
but it behooves us to hurry back and see what is 
gouig on at New Amsterdam, for greatly do I 
fear that city is already m a turmoil. Such was 
ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; while doing 
one thing with heart and soul, he was too apt 
to leave everything else at sixes and sevens. 
While, Uke a potentate of yore, he was absent 
attending to those things in person which in mod- 
ern days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, 
his little territory at home was sure to get in an 
uproar ; — all which was owing to that uncom- 
mon strength of intellect, which induced him to 
trust to nobody but himself, and which had ac- 
quired him the renowned appellation of Peter 
the Headstrong 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 479 




CHAPTER Vn. 

BOW THE PEOPLE OF NEW AMSTERDAM WERE THROWN INTO A GRKAl 
PANIC Ur THE NEWS OP THE THREATENED INVASION, AND THE MAN 
NEB IN WHICH THET FORTIFIED THEMSELVES. 

'HERE is no sight more truly interesting 
to a philosopher than a community 
^^^^j-^j^ where every individual has a voice in 
public affairs, where every individual considers 
himself the Atlas of the nation, and where every 
individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for 
the good of his country ; I say, there is nothing 
more interesting to a philosopher than such a 
community in a sudden bustle of war. Such 
clamor of tongues — such patriotic bawling — 
such running hither and thither — everybody in 
a hurry — everybody in trouble — everybody 
in the way, and everybody interrupting his 
neighbor — who is busily employed in doing 
nothing ! It is Hke witnessmg a great fire, 
where the whole community ai'e agog — some 
dragging about empty engines — others scamper- 
ing Avith full buckets, and spilling the contents 
into their neighbor's boots — and others ringing 
the church-bells all night, by Avay of putting out 
the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy little kiJghta 
storming a breach, clambering up and down scal- 
ing-ladders, and bawling through tin trumpets, by 



480 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

way of directing the attack. Here a fellow, in 
his gi'eat zeal to save the property of the unfor- 
tunate, catches up an anonymous chamber-utensil, 
and gallants it off witJi an air of as much self- 
importance as if he had rescued a pot of money; 
there another throws lookinf>:-f![lasses and china 
out of the wmdow, to save them from the flames ; 
whilst those who can do nothing else run up and 
down the streets, keeping up an incessant cry of 
Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

" Wlien the news amved at Sinope," says Lu- 
cian, — though I own the story is rather trite, — 
" that Philip was about to attack them, the inhab- 
itants were thrown into a violent alarm. Some 
ran to furbish up their arms ; others rolled stones 
to build up the Avails, — everybody, in short, 
was employed, and everybody in the way of his 
neighbor. Diogenes alone could find nothing to 
do ; whereupon, not to be idle when the welfare 
of his country was at stake, he tucked up his 
robe, and fell to rolling: his tub with mig-lit and 
main up and down the Gymnasium." In like 
manner did every mother's son in tlie patriotic 
community of New Amsterdam, on receiving 
the missive of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself 
most mightily in putting things in confusion, and 
assisting the general uproar. " Every man " — 
saith the Stuyvesant manuscript — " flew to 
arms ! " — by which is meant, that not one of our 
honest Dutch citizens would venture to church or 
to market without an old-fashioned spit of a SA\'ord 
dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling- 
piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of a 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 481 

/ijoht without a lantern; nor turn a corner with- 
out first peeping cautiously round, lest he should 
coT)\e unawares upon a British army ; — and we 
are informed that StofFel Brinkerhoff, who was 
considered by the old women almost as brave a 
man as the governor himself, actually had two 
one pound swivels mounted m his entry, one 
pointing out at the front door, and the other at 
the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on 
this awful occasion, and one which has since been 
found of wonderful efficacy, was to assemble pop- 
ular meetings. These brawling convocations, J! 
have already shown, were extremely offensive to 
Peter Stuyvesant ; but as this was a moment of 
unusual agitation, and as the old governor was 
not present to repress them, they broke out with 
intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the ora- 
tors and politicians repaired, striving who shoidd 
bawl loudest, and exceed the others in hyperboli- 
cal bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to up- 
hold and defend tlie government. In these sage 
meetings it was resolved that they were the most 
enlightened, the most dignified, the most formi- 
dable, and the most ancient community upon the 
face of the earth. This resolution being carried 
unanimously, another was immediately proposed, 
— whether it were not possible and politic to ex- 
terminate Great Britain ? upon Avhich sixty-nine 
members spoke in the affirmative, and only one 
arose to suggest some doubts, — who, as a punish- 
ment ibr his treasonable presumption, was imme- 
diatel}- seized by the mob, and tarred and feath- 
31 



482 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ered, — which punishment being equivalent to 
the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered 
as an outcast from society, and his opinion went 
for nothing. The question, therefore, being unan- 
imously carried in the affii'mative, it was i-ec- 
ommended to the grand council to pass it into 
a law; which was accordingly done. By this 
measure the hearts of the people at large wcr».i 
wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed exceed- 
ingly choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first 
paroxysm of alarm having in some measure sub- 
sided, — the old women having buried all the 
money they could lay their hands on, and their 
husbands daily getting fuddled with what was 
left, — the community began even to stand on the 
offensive. Songs were manufactured in Low 
Dutch and sung about the streets, wherein the 
English were most wofully beaten, and shown 
no quarter ; and popular addresses were made, 
wherein it was proved, to a certainty, that the 
fate of Old England depended upon the will of 
the New Amsterdammers. 

Fmally, to strike a violent blow at the very 
vitals of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser 
inhabitants assembled, and having purchased all 
the British manufactures they could find, they 
made thereof a huge bonfire ; and, in the patri 
otic glow of the moment, every man present, who 
had a hat or breeclies of English workmanship 
pulled it off, and threw it into the flames, — tc 
the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruui of the 
English mauutactu)"ers. In connnemoration of 
this great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot 



It. 'STORY OF NEW YORK. 48ii 

ivitli a device on the top intended to represent 
the pi-ovince of Nieiiw Nederhxnds destroying 
Great Britain, under the similitude of an Eagle 
picking the little Island of Old England out of 
the globe ; but either tlu'ough the unskilfulness 
of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggeiy, it bore a 
Jlrikhig resemblance to a goose, vaiidy striving 
to get hold of a dumpling. 



•J84 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 



CHAPTER Vra. 




HOVV THE GRAND COUXCIL OP THE NEW NETHERLANDS WERE MIRAOO 
LODSLT GIFTED WITH LONG TONGUES IN THE MOMENT OF EMERQENOS 
— SHOWING THE VALUE OP W0RD3 IN WARFARE. 



^^^^^^T will need but little penetration in any 
one conversant with the ways of that 
wise but windy potentate, the sovereign 
people, to discover that notwithstanding all the 
wtirliJve bluster and bustle of the last chapter, 
tlie city of New Amsterdam was not a whit 
more prepared for war than before. The privy 
councillors of Peter Stuyvesant were aware of 
this ; and, having received his private orders to 
put the city hi an immediate posture of defence, 
they called a meeting of the oldest and rich- 
est buro;hers to assist tliem with tlieir wisdom. 
These were tliat order of citizens commonly 
termed " men of the greatest weight in the com- 
munity " ; tlieir weight being estimated by the 
heaviness of their heads and of their pursers. 
Their wisdom in fact is apt to be of a ponderous 
kind, and to hang like a mill-stone round the 
neck of the community. 

Two things were unanimously determined in 
this assembly of vcnerables : First, that the city 
rcjiiired to be put in a state of defence; and, 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 485 

Second, that, as the danger was imminent, there 
should be no time lost : which points being set- 
tled, they fell to making long speeches and be- 
laboring one another in endless and intemperate 
disputes. For about this time was this unhappy 
city first visited by that talking endemic so prev- 
alent in this country, and which so invariably 
evinces itself wherever a number of wise men 
assemble together, breaking out in long, windy 
speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by the 
foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. 
Now it was, moreover, that they first introduced 
the ingenious method of measuring the merits of 
an harangue by the hour-glass, he being consid- 
ered the ablest orator who spoke longest on a 
question. For which excellent hivention, it is 
recorded, we are indebted to the same profound 
Dutch critic who judged of books by their size. 

Tliis sudden passion for endless harangues, so 
little consonant with the customary gravity and 
taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was supposed 
by certain philosophers to have been imbibed, to- 
gether with divers other barbarous propensities, 
from their savage neighbors ; who were pecu- 
liarly noted for long talks and council-fires^ and 
never undertook any affair of the least impor- 
tance without previous debates and harangues 
among their chiefs and old men. But the real 
cause was, that the people, in electing their rep- 
resentatives to the grand council, were particular 
in choosing them for their talents at talking, 
without inquiring whether they possessed the 
more rare, difficult, and ofttimes important talent 



486 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of holding their tongues. The consequence was, 
that this deliberative body was composed of the 
most loquacious men in the community. As they 
considered themselves placed there to talk, every 
man concluded that his duty to his constituents, 
and, what is more, his popidarity with them, 
required that he should harangue on every sub- 
ject, whether he understood it or not. There 
was an ancient mode of burying a chieftain, by 
every soldier throwing his shield full of eartli on 
the corpse, until a mighty mound was formed ; 
so, whenever a question was brought forward in 
this assembly, every member pressing forward to 
throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject 
was quickly buried under a mountain of words. 

We are told that disciples, on entering the 
school of Pythagoras, were for two years enjoined 
silence, and forbidden either to ask questions, or 
make remarks. After they had thus acquired 
the inestimable art of holding their tongues, they 
were gradually permitted to make inquiries, and 
finally to communicate their own opinions. 

With what a beneficial effect could this wise 
regulation of Pythagoras be introduced in mod- 
ern legislative bodies, — and how wonderfully 
would it have tended to expedite business in the 
grand council of the Manhattoes ! 

At this perilous juncture the fatal word econ- 
omy, the stumbling-block of William the Testy, 
had been once more set afloat, according to which 
the cheapest plan of defence was msisted upon as 
the best ; it being deemed a great stroke of pol- 
icy in furnishing powder to economize in bidl. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 487 

Thus did dame Wisdom (whom the wags of 
antiquity have humorously personified as a wom- 
an) seem to take a mischievous pleasure m jilt- 
ing the venerable councillors of New Amster- 
dam. To add to the confusion, the old factions 
of Short Pipes and Long Pipes, which had been 
almost strangled by the Herculean grasp of Peter 
Stuyvesant, now sprang up with tenfold vigor. 
Whatever was proposed by Short Pipe was op- 
posed by th(} whole tribe of Long Pipes, who, 
like true partisans, deemed it their first duty to 
effect the downfall of their rivals, their second, 
to elevate themselves, and their thu"d, to consult 
the public good ; though many left the third con- 
sideration out of question altogether. 

Li this great collision of hard heads it is aston- 
isliing the number of projects that were struck 
out, — projects which threw the Avind-mill system 
of William the Testy completely in the back- 
ground. These were almost uniformly opposed 
by the " men of the greatest weight in the com- 
munity ! " your weighty men, though slow to de- 
vise, being always great at " negativing." Among 
these were a set of fat, self-important old burgh- 
ers, who smoked their pipes, and said nothing 
except to negative every plan of defence pro- 
posed. These were that class of " conservatives " 
who, havmg amassed a fortmie, button up their 
pockets, shut their mouths, smk, as it were, 
into themselves, and pass the rest of their lives 
in the indwelling beatitude of conscious wealth ; 
as some phlegmatic oyster, having swallowed a 
r'mi'l, closes its shell, sinks in the mud, and 



488 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

devotes the rest of its life to the conservation 
of its treasure. Every plan of defence seemed 
to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with 
ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts 
preying upon the public property ; to fit out a 
naval armament was to throw their money into 
the sea ; to build fortifications was to bury it in 
the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign 
maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no 
matter how much they were drubbed. A kick 
left no scar ; a broken head cured itself ; but 
an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest 
to heal, and one iji which nature did nothing 
for the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lav- 
ish away that time which the urgency of affairs 
rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and long- 
winded speeches, without ever agreeing, except 
on the point with which they started, namely, 
that there was no time to be lost, and delay was 
ruinous. At length, St. Nicholas taking compas- 
sion on their distracted situation, and anxious to 
preserve them from anarchy, so ordered, that in 
the midst of one of their most noisy debates, on 
the subject of fortification and defence, when 
they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in conse- 
(juence of not being able to convince each other, 
the question was happily settled by the sudden 
cnti-ance of a messenger, who informed them that 
A hostile fleet had arrived, and was actually ad* 
vancing up the bay ! 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 489 



CHAPTER IX. 




IK WHICH THE TROUBLES OF NEW AMSTERDAM APPEAR TO THICKEN — 
SHOWINQ THE BRAVERY, IN TIME OP PERIL, OP A PEOPLE WHO DEPENB 
THEMSELVES BY RESOLDTION. 



^ IKE as an assemblage of belligerent cats, 
gibbering and caterwauling, eying one 
another -with hideous gi'imaces and con- 
tortions, spitting in each other's faces, and on 
the point of a general clapper-clawing, are sud- 
denly put to scampering rout and confusion by the 
appearance of a house-dog, so was the no less 
vociferous council of New Amsterdam amazed, 
astounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden 
arrival of the enemy. Every member waddled 
home as fast as his short legs could carry him, 
wheezing as he went with corpulency and terror. 
Arrived at his castle, he barricadoed the street- 
door, and buried himself in the cider - cellar, 
without venturing to peep out, lest he should 
have his head carried off by a cannon-ball. 

The sovereign people crowded into the mar- 
ket-place, herding together with the instinct of 
sheep, who seek safety in each other's comj)any 
when the sheplierd and his dog are absent, and 
the wolf is prowling round the fold. Far from 
finding relief, however, they only increased each 
other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his 



490 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

neighbor's face, in search of encouragement, but 
only found in its woe-begone lineaments a confir- 
mation of his own dismay. Not a word now was 
to be lieard of conquering Great Britain, not a 
whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy, 
■ — while the old women heightened the general 
gloom by clamorously bewailing their fate, and 
calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Peter 
Stuyvesant. 

Oh, how^ did they bewail the absence of the 
lion-hearted Peter ! and how did they long for 
the comfortmg presence of Antony Van Corlear ! 
Indeed, a gloomy uncertainty limig over the fate 
of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had 
elapsed since the alarming message from the gov- 
ernor, without brmging any fm'ther tidings of his 
safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded 
as to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. 
Had they not been devoured alive by the canni- 
bals of Marblehead and Cape Cod? — had they 
not been put to the question by the great council 
of Amphictyons ? — had they not been smothered 
in onions by the terrible men of Pyquag ? In the 
midst of this consteruation and perplexity, when 
horror, like a mighty nightmare, sat brooding 
upon the little, fat, pletlioric city of New Amster- 
dam, the ears of the multitude were suddenly 
startled by the distant sound of a trumpet: it 
approached, it grew louder and louder, and now 
it resounded at tlie city gate. The public could 
not be mistaken in the well-known sound; a 
ehout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant 
Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his 



BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 491 

faithful trumpeter, came galloping into the mar- 
ket-place. 

The first transports of the populace having 
subsided, they gathered round the honest Antony, 
as he dismounted, overwhelming him with greet- 
ings and congratulations. In breathless accents 
he related to them the marvellous adventures 
through which the old governor and himself had 
gone, in making their escape from the clutches 
of the terrible Amphictyons. But though the 
Stuyvesant manuscript, ^^^tll its customary mi- 
nuteness where anything touching the great Peter 
is concerned, is very particular as to the incidents 
of this masterly retreat, the state of the public 
affairs will not allow me to indulge in a full reci- 
tal thereof. Let it suffice to say, that, while 
.Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving m his 
mind how he could make good his escape with 
honor and dignity, certain of the ships sent out 
for the conquest of the Manliattoes touched at 
the eastern ports to obtain supplies, and to call 
on the grand council of the league for its prom- 
ised cooperation. Upon hearing of this, the vigi- 
lant Peter, perceiving that a moment's delay were 
fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment ; 
though much did it grieve his lofty soul to 1)0 
obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of 
foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers per- 
ilous mishaps did they sustain, as they scoui'ed, 
without somid of trumpet, through the fan* regions 
of the east. Already was the country in an up- 
roar with hostile preparations, and they were 
obliged to take a large circuit in their flight, 



4d2 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

lurking along through the woody mountains of 
the Devil's backbone ; whence the valiant Petei 
Ballied forth one day like a lion, and put to rout 
a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three 
generations of a prolific family, who were already 
on their way to take possession of some corner of 
the New Netherlands. Nay, tlie faithful Antony 
had great difficulty, at sundry times, to prevent 
him, in the excess of his wrath, from descending 
down from the mountains, and falling, sword in 
hand, upon certain of the border-towns, Avho were 
marshallino; forth their drag-o-le-tailed militia. 

The first movement of the governor, on reach- 
ing his dwelling, was to mount the roof, whence 
he contemplated with rueful aspect the liostile 
squadron. This had already come to anchor in 
the bay, and consisted of two stout frigates, hav- 
ing on board, as John Josselyn, Gent., informs us, 
" three hundred valiant red-coats." Having taken 
this survey, he sat himself down and wrote an 
epistle to the commander, demanding the reason 
of his anchorinjx in tlie harbor without obtaininsj 
previous permission so to do. This letter was 
couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, 
though 1 have it from undoubted authority that 
his teeth were clinched, and he had a bitter, sar- 
donic grin upon his visage all the while he wrote. 
Having dispatched his letter, the grim Peter 
stumped to and fro about the town with a most 
war-betokening countenance, his hands thrust into 
his breeches-pockets, and whistling a Low-Dutch 
psalm-tune, which bore no small resemblance to 
the music of a northeast wind, when a storm is 



I 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 493 

Drewing. The very dogs as tliey eyed him 
skulked away in dismay ; while all the old and 
ugly women of New Amsterdam ran howlmg at 
his heels, imploring him to save tliem from mur- 
der, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! 

The reply of Colonel Nicholas, who command- 
ed the invaders, was couched in terms of equal 
courtesy with the letter of the governor ; declar- 
ing the riglit and title of his British Majesty to 
the province ; where he affirmed the Dutch to be 
mere interlopers ; and demanding that the town, 
forts, etc. should be forthwith rendered into his 
Majesty's obedience and protection ; promising, 
at the same time, life, hberty, estate, and free 
trade to every Dutch denizen who should readily 
submit to his Majesty's government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle 
with some such harmony of aspect as we may 
suppose a crusty farmer reads the loving letter 
of John Stiles, warning him of an action of eject- 
. ment. He was not, however, to be taken by 
surprise ; but, thrusting the summons into his 
breeches-pocket, stalked three times across the 
room, took a pinch of snuff with great vehe- 
mence, and then, loftily waving his hand, prom- 
ised to send an answer the next morning. He 
now summoned a general meeting of his privy 
councillors and burgomasters, not to ask theii 
advice, for, confident in his own strong head, he 
needed no man's counsel, but apparently to give 
them a piece of his mind on their late craven 
conduct. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a 



494 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

piteous sight to behold the Late valiant burgo- 
masters, who had demolished the whole British 
empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out 
of their hiding-places ; crawling cautiously forth ; 
dodging tlu-ough narrow lanes and alleys ; st^irt- 
ing at every little dog that barked ; mistaking 
lamp -posts for British grenadiers ; and, in the 
excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps 
into formidable soldiers levelluig blunderbusses at 
their bosoms ! Havhig, however, in despite of 
numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, ar- 
rived safe, without the loss of a single man, at 
the hall of assembly, they took their seats, and 
awaited in fearful silence the arrival of the gov- 
ernor. Li a few moments the wooden leg of the 
intrepid Peter was heard in regular and stout- 
hearted thumps upon the staircase. He entered 
the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, 
and carrying his trusty toledo, not girded on his 
thigh, but tucked under his arm. As the gov- 
ernor never equipped himself in this portentous 
manner unless something of martial nature were 
working within his pericranium, his council re- 
garded him ruefully, as if they saw fire and 
sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to light 
their pipes in breathless suspense. 

His first words were, to rate his council 
soundly for having wasted in idle debate and 
party feud the time which should have been 
devoted to putting the city in a state of defence. 
He was particularly indignant at those brawlers 
who had disgraced the councils of the province 
by empty bickeruigs and scurrilous invectives 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 495 

against an absent enemy. He now called upon 
them to make good their words by deeds, as the 
enemy they had defied and derided was ?it the 
gate. Finally, he informed them of the summons 
he had received to surrender, but concluded by 
swearing to defend the province as long as 
Heaven was on his side and he had a wooden 
leg to stand upon ; which warlike seutence he 
emphasized by a thwack with the fiat of his 
sword upon the table, that quite electrified his 
auditors. 

The privy councillors, who had long since been 
brought into as perfect discipline as were ever the 
soldiers of the great Frederick, knew there was 
no use in saying a word, — so lighted their pipes, 
and smoked away in silence, like fat and discreet 
councillors. But the buro-omasters, beinsr infiated 
with considerable importance and self-sufficiency, 
acquired at popular meetings, were not so easily 
satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, Avhen they 
found there was some chance of escaping from 
their present jeopardy without the disagreeable 
alternative of fighting, they requested a copy of 
the summons to surrender, that they might show 
it to a general meeting of the people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would 
have been enough to have roused the gorge of 
the tranquil Van Twiller himself, — what then 
must have been its effect upon the great Stuyve- 
sant, who was not only a Dutchman, a governor, 
and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but 
withal a man of the most stoinachful and gun- 
powder disposition ? He bui'st forth into a blaze 



*96 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of indignation, — swore not a motlier's son of 
them should see a syUable of it, — that as to 
their 'advice or concurrence, he did not care a 
whiff of tobacco for either, — that tliey might go 
home, and go to bed hke okl women ; for he was 
determined to defend the colony himself, without 
the assistance of them or then- adherents ! So 
saying lie tucked his sword under his arm, cocked 
his hat upon his head, and girding up his loins, 
stumped indignantly out of the council-chamber, 
everybody making room for him as he passed. 

No sooner was he gone than the busy burgo- 
masters called a public meeting in front of the 
Stadthouse, where they appointed as chairmjui 
one Dofue lloerback, formerly a meddlesome 
member of the cabinet during? the rei^n of Wil- 
liam the Testy, but kicked out of office by Peter 
Stuyvesant on taking the reins of govermnent. 
He was, withal, a mighty gingerbread baker in 
the land, and reverenced by the populace as a 
man of dark knowledge, seeing that he was the 
first to imprint New- Year cakes with the myste- 
rious hieroglyphics of the Cock and Breeches, 
and such like ma2;ical devices. 

This bui'gomaster, who still chewed the cud of 
ill-will against Peter Stuyvesant, addressed the 
multitude in what is called a patriotic speech, 
inibrming them of the courteous summons which 
tlie governor had received, to surrender, of his 
refusal to comply therewith, and of his denying 
the public even a sight of the su?nmons, which 
doubtless contained conditions highly to the honor 
and advantage of the province. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 497 

He tlien proceeded to speak of his Excellency 
in liigh-sounding terms of vituperation, suited to 
the dignity of his station ; comparing him to 
Nero, Caliguhi, and other flagrant great men of 
yore ; assuring the people that the liistory of the 
>vorld did not contain a despotic outrage equal to 
tlie present. That it would be recorded in letters 
of fire, on the blood - stamed tablet of history ! 
Tliat ao;cs would roll back with sudden horror 
when they came to view it ! That the womb of 
time (by the way, your orators and writers take 
strange liberties with the womb of time, though 
some would fain have us believe that time is an 
old gentleman) — that the womb of time, preg- 
nant as it was with direful horrors, would never 
produce a parallel enormity ! — with a variety 
of other heart - rending, soul - stirring tropes and 
figures, which I cannot enumerate ; neither, in- 
deed, need I, for they were of the kind v/hich 
even to the present day form the style of popular 
harangues and patriotic orations, and may be 
classed in rhetoric under the general title of 
Rigmarole. 

The result of this speech of the inspired bur- 
gomaster was a memorial addressed to the gov- 
ernor, remonstrating in good round terms on his 
conduct. It was proposed that Dofue Roerback 
himself should be the bearer of this memorial ; 
hut this he warily declined, having no inclination 
of coming again within kicking distance of his 
Excellency. Wlio did deliver it has never been 
named in history, in which neglect he has suffered 
grievous w^rong ; seeing that he was equally 
32 



498 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

worthy of blazon with him perpetuated in Scot- 
tish song and story by the surname of Bell-the- 
cat. All we know of the fate of this memorial 
is, that it was used by the gi-im Peter to light his 
pipe ; which, from the vehemence with which he 
smoked it, was evidently anything but a pipe of 
peace. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 499 



CHAPTER X. 




BONTAmiNO A DOLEFUL DISASTER OP ANTONY THE TRUMPETER- AKP 
HOW PETER STUYVESANT, LIKE A SECOND CROMWELL, SUDDENLY DIS- 
SOLVED A RUMP PARLIAMENT. 



iOW did the high - minded Pieter de 
Groodt shower down a pannier-load of 
maledictions npon his burgomasters for 
a set of self-willed, obstinate, factious varlets, who 
would neither be convinced nor persuaded. Nor 
did he omit to bestow some left-handed compli- 
ments upon the sovereign people, as a herd of 
poltroons, who had no relislh for the glorious hard- 
ships and illustrious misadventures of battle, but 
would rather stay at home, and eat and sleep in 
ignoble ease, than fight in a ditch for irmnortal- 
ily and a broken head. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his 
beloved city, in despite even of itself, he called 
unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his 
right-hand man in all times of emergency. Him 
did he adjure to take his war-denouncing trumpet, 
and mounting his horse, to beat up the country 
night and day, — sounding the alarm along the 
pastoral borders of the Bronx, — starthng the 
wild solitudes of Croton, — arousino; the ruo:o:ed 
yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboken, — the 



60C HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay, — and tho 
bi\'ive boys of Tarry-Town, Petticoat-Lane, and 
Sleepy-Hollow, — charging them one and all to 
sling theii* powder-horns, shoulder their fowling- 
pieces, and march merrily down to the Manhat- 
toes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the 
divine sex excepted, that Antony Van Corlear 
loved better than errands of this kind. So just 
stopping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to 
his side his junk-bottle, well charged with heart- 
inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city 
gate, which looked out upon what is at present 
called Broadway, sounding a farewell strain, that 
rung in sprightly echoes through the wmding 
streets of New Amsterdam. Alas ! never more 
were they to be gladdened by the melody of their 
favorite trumpeter ! 

It was a dark and stormy night when the good 
Antony arrived at the creek (sagely denominated 
Haerlem river) Avhich separates the island of 
Manna-hata from the mainland. The wind was 
high, the elements were in an uproar, and no 
Charon could be found to ferry the adventurcms 
Bounder of brass across the water. For a short 
time he vapored like an impatient ghost upon tlie 
brink, and then bethinking himself of the urgency 
of his errand, took a hearty embrace of his stone 
bottle, swore most valorously that he would swim 
across in spite of the devil ! (Spyt den Duyvel !) 
and daringly plunged into the stream. Luckless 
A.ntony ! Scarce had he buffeted half-way over 
whei\ he was observed to struggle violently, as if 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 501 

battling with the spirit of the waters, — instinc- 
tively he pat liis trumpet to his mouth, and giv- 
ins: a vehement blast — sanl: forever to the hot- 
torn ! 

The clangor of his trumpet, hke that of the 
i'S'ory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, 
when expirmg in the glorious field of Ronces- 
vjilles, rang far and Avide through the country, 
alarminoi: the neio^hbors round, who hurried in 
amazement to the spot. Here an old Dutch 
burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had 
been a witness of the fact, related to them the 
melancholy affah- ; witli the fearful addition (to 
which I am slow in giving belief) that he saw the 
duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, seize 
the stmxly Antony by the leg, and drag him be- 
neath the waves. Certain it is, the place, with 
the adjoining promontory, which projects into the 
Hudson, has been called Spyt den Duyvel ever 
since ; the ghost of the unfortunate Antony still 
haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his trum- 
pet has often been heard by the neiglibors, of a 
stormy night, mingling with tlie howling of the 
blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim across the 
creek after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has 
been built to guard against such melancholy acci- 
dents in future ; and as to the moss-bonkers, they 
are held in such abhorrence, that no true Dutch- 
man will admit them to his table, who loves good 
fish and hates the devil. 

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear, — 
a man deserving of a better fate. He Hved 
roundly and soundly, like a time and jolly bach* 



502 niSTORY OF NEW YORK. 

elor, until the day of liis death ; but tliougli he 
was never married, yet did he leave behind some 
two or three dozen children, in different parts of 
the country, — fine, chubby, brawling, flatulent 
little urchins ; from whom, if legends speak true, 
(tuid they are not apt to lie,) did descend the in- 
niunerable race of editors, who people and defend 
this country, and who are bountifully paid by the 
people for keeping up a constant alarm — and 
making them miserable. It is hinted, too, that 
in his various expeditions into the East he did 
much towards promoting the population of the 
country ; in proof of which is adduced the noto- 
rious propensity of the people of those parts to 
sound their own trumpet. 

As some way-worn pilgrim, when the tempest 
whistles through his locks, and night is gathering 
round, beholds his faithful dog, the companion 
and solace of his journeying, stretched lifeless at 
his feet, so did the generous -hearted hero of the 
Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of An- 
tony Van Corlear. He had been the faithful 
attendant of his footsteps ; he had charmed him 
in many a weary hour by his honest gayety and 
tlie martial melody of his trumpet, and had fol- 
lowed him with luifiinching loyalty and affection 
through many a scene of direful peril and uu"s- 
hap. He was gone forever ! and that, too, at ? 
moment wiien every mongi-el cur was skidking 
from his side. This — Peter Stuyvesant — was 
the moment to tiy tliy fortitude ; and this Wiis 
the moment when thou didst indeed shine forth 
Peter the Headstrong ! 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 503 

The glare of day had long dispelled the hor- 
rors of the stormy night ; still all was dull and 
gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his face 
behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out now and 
then for an mstant, as if anxious, yet fearful, 
to sec what was going on in his favorite city. 
This was the eventful morning when the great 
Peter was to give his reply to the summons 
of the invaders. Already was he closeted with 
his privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding 
over the fate of his favorite trumpeter, and anon 
boilino; with indio-nation as the insolence of his 
recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. — 
While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived 
hi all haste from Winthrop, tlie subtle governor 
of Connecticut, counselling him, in the most af- 
fectionate and disinterested manner, to surrender 
the province, and magnifying the dangers and ca- 
lamities to which a refusal would subject him. — 
What a moment was this to intrude officious ad- 
vice upon a man who never took advice in his 
whole life ! — The fiery old govei'nor strode up 
and down the chamber with a vehemence that 
made the bosoms of his councillors to quake with 
awe, — railuig at his milucky fate, that thus made 
him the constant butt of factious subjects, and 
iesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious 
burgomasters, who had heard of the arrival of 
mysterious despatches, came marcliing in a body 
into tlie room, witli a legion of schepens and toad- 
eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded a 
perusal of the letter. Tiiis was too much for the 



504 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

spleen of l*eter Stuyvesant. He tore tlie letter 
in a thousand pieces, — threw it in the face of 
the nearest burgomaster, — broke his pipe over 
the head of the next, — hurled his spittuig-box 
at an unlucky schepen, Avho was just retreating 
out at the door, and finally prorogued the wliole 
meeting sine die, by kicking them down-stau'S 
with his wooden leg. 

As soon as the burgomasters could i-ecover 
from then' confusion and liad time to breathe, tliey 
called a public meeting, where they related at 
full length, and \\\i\\ appropriate coloring and 
exaggeration, the despotic and vmdictive deport- 
ment of the governor ; declaring that, for their 
own parts, they did not value a straw the being 
kicked, cuffed, and mauled by the timber toe of 
his Excellency, but that they felt for tlie dignity 
of tlie sovereign people, thus rudely insulted by 
the outraire committed on the seat of honor of 
their representatives. The latter part of the ha- 
rangue came home at once to that delicacy of 
feeling and jealous pride of character vested in 
all true mobs, — who, though they nisiy bear in- 
juries without a murmur, yet are marvellously 
jealous of their sovereign dignity ; and there 
is no knowing to what act of resentment they 
might have been provoked, had they not been 
somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old gov- 
ernor than they were of St. Nicholas, the English 
— or the d — ^1 himself. 



HISTORY OF NEW YJRK. 505 



CHAPTEll XI. 

»0W PETER STCTTVESANT DEFENDED THE CITY OP NEW AMSTERDAM P0« 
SEVERAL DAYS, BY DINT OP TUE STRENGTH OF HIS HEAD. 

^^ HERE is something exceedingly sublime 
fw and melancholy in the spectacle wliich 
^^}^^^^ the present crisis of our history presents. 
Axv illustrious and venerable little city, — the me- 
tropolis of a vast extent of uninhabited country, — 
garrisoned by a douglity host of orators, chau-men, 
committee-men, burgomasters, schepens, and old 
women, — governed by a determuied and strong- 
headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, 
palisadoes, and resolutions, — blockaded by sea, 
beleaguered by land, and threatened with direful 
desolation from without, while its very vitals are 
torn with internal faction and commotion ! Never 
did historic pen record a page of more compli- 
cated distress, uidess it be the strife that dis- 
tracted the Israelites, durino; the sieGje of Jcru- 
salem, — where discordant parties were cutting 
each other's throats, at the moment when the 
victorious legions of Titus had toppled down 
their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword 
into the very sanctum sanctorum of tlie temple. 

Governor Stuyvcsant having triumphantly jjiit 
nis grand counf;il to tlie rout, and delivered him- 



506 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Belf from a miJtitude of impertinent advisers, 
dispatched a categorical reply to the commanders 
of the invading squadron ; wherein he asserted 
the right and title of their High Mightmesses 
the Lords States General to the province of New 
Netherlands, and trusting in the righteousness 
of his cause, set the whole British nation at 
defiance ! 

My anxiety to extricate my readers and my- 
self from these disastrous scenes prevents me 
from giving the whole of this gallant letter, 
which concluded in these manly and affectionate 
terms : — 

" As touching the threats in your conclusion, 
we have nothing to answer, only that we fear 
nothuig but what God (who is as just as merci- 
ful) shall lay upon us ; all things being in his 
gracious disposal, and we may as well be pre- 
served by him ^vith small forces as by a great 
army ; which makes us to wish you all happiness 
and prosperity, and recommend you to his protec- 
tion. My lords, your thrice humble and affec- 
tionate servant and friend, P. Stuyvesant." 

Thus having thrown his gauntlet, the brave 
Peter stuck ji pair of horse-pistols in his belt 
gii'ded jui immense powder-horn on his side, — 
thrust his sound leur into a Hessian boot, and 
clapping his fierce little war-hat on the top of his 
head, — paraded up and down in front of his 
house, determined to defend his beloved city to 
the last. 

While all these struggles and dissensions were 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 507 

prevailing iii the unhappy city of New Amster- 
dam, and while i^ worthy but ill-starred governor 
was framing the above-quoted letter, the English 
commanders did not remain idle. They had 
agents secretly employed to foment the fears and 
clamors of the populace ; and moreover circu- 
lated far and wide, through the adjacent country, 
a proclamation, repeating the terms they had 
already held out in their summons to surrender, 
at the same time beguiling the simple Nederland- 
ers with the most crafty and conciliating profes- 
sions. They promised that every man who vol- 
untarily submitted to the authority of his British 
Majesty should retain peaceful possession of his 
house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That 
he should be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak 
Dutch, wear as many breeches as he pleased, and 
import bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, 
instead of manufacturing them ou the spot. That 
he should on no account be compelled to learn 
the English language, nor eat codfish on Satur- 
days, nor keep accounts in any other way than 
by casting them up on his fingers, and chalking 
them down upon the crown of his hat ; tis is 
observed among the Dutch yeomaniy at the pres- 
ent day. That every man should be allowed 
quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, sIkm;- 
buckles, pipe, and every other personal appen- 
dage ; and that no man should be obliged to con- 
form to any improvements, inventions, or any 
jther modern innovations ; but, on the contrary, 
should be permitted to build his house, follow his 
trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, and edu- 



608 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

cate his children, precisely as his ancestors had 
done before him from time immemorial. Finally, 
that he slioiild have all the benefits of free trade, 
and should not be required to acknowledge any 
other saint in the Ciilendar than St. Nicholas, who 
should thenceforward, as before, be considered tho 
tutelar saint of the city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared 
very satisfactory to the people, who had a great 
disposition to enjoy their property unmolested, 
and a most singular aversion to engage in a con- 
test, where they could gain little moi'e than honor 
and broken heads, — the fii'st of which tliey held 
in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter de- 
testation. By these insidious means, therefore, 
did the En<2:lish succeed in alienatinjic the confi- 
dence and affections of the })opulace from their 
gallant old governor, whom they considered as 
obstinately bent upon riuming tliem into hideous 
misadv^entures ; and did not hesitate to speak 
tlieir minds freely, and abuse him most heaitily 
— behind his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus when assailed and 
buffeted by roaring waves and brawling suiges, 
still keeps on an undeviating course, rising above 
.the boisterous billows, spouting and blowing as 
he emerges, — so did the inflexible Peter pursue, 
unwavering, his determined career, and rise, con- 
temptuous, above the chunors of the rabble. 

But when tlie British warriors found that ho 
set their power at defiance, they dispatched re- 
cruiting oificers to Jamaica, and .Tericlio, and iNin- 
eveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK 509 

towns on Lono- Island which had been subdued 
of yore by StofFel BrinkerhofF; stii-ring up the 
progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, 
and those other New-England squatters, to assail 
the city of New Amsterdam by land, wliile the 
hostile ships prepared for an assault by water. 

The streets of New Amsterdam now presented 
a scene of wild dismay and consternation. Li 
vain did Peter Stuyvesant order the citizens to 
arm and assemble on the Battery. Blank terror 
reigned over the community. The whole party 
of Short Pipes in the course of a single night 
had changed uito arrant old women, — a metamor- 
phosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies re- 
corded by Livy as having happened at Rome at 
the approach of Hannibal, when statues sweated 
in pure affright, goats were converted mto sheep, 
and cocks, turning into hens, ran cackhng about 
the street. 

Thus baffled in all attempts to put the city in 
a state of defence, blockaded from Avithout, tor- 
mented from within, and menaced with a Yan- 
kee invasion, even the stiff-necked will of Peter 
Stuyvesant for once gave way, and in spite of 
his mighty heart, which swelled in his throat un 
til it nearly choked him, he consented to a treaty 
of surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the 
populace, on receiving this intelligence; had 
they obtained a conquest over their enemies, they 
could not have indulged greater delight. The 
streets resounded with their congratulations, — ■ 
ihey extolled their governor as the father and 



510 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

deliverer of his country, — they crowded to his 
house to testify their gratitude, and were ten 
times more noisy in their plaudits than when he 
returned, vnih victory perched upon his beaver, 
from the glorious captm-e of Fort Christina. But 
the indignant Peter shut his doors and wmdows, 
and took refuge in the mnermost recesses of his 
mansion, that he might not hear the iirnoble re- 
joicings of the rabble. 

Commissioners were now appointed on both 
sides, and a capitulation was speedily arranged ; 
all that was wanting to ratify it was that it 
should be signed by the governor. When the 
commissioners waited upon him for this purpose, 
they were received with grim and bitter courtesy. 
His warlike accoutrements were laid aside, — an 
old Lidian night-gown was wrapped about his 
rugged limbs, a red night-cap overshadowed his 
frowning brow, an iron-gray beard of three days' 
growth gave additional grimness to liis visage. 
Thrice did he s6ize a worn-out stump of a pen, 
and essay to sign the loathsome paper, — thrice 
did he clinch his teeth, and make a horrible 
countenance, as though a dose of rhubarb, senna, 
and ipecacuanha had been offered to his lips ; at 
length, dashing it from him, he seized his brass- 
hilted sword, and jerking it from the scabbard, 
swore by St. Nicholas, to sooner die than yield 
to any power under heaven. 

For two whole days did he persist in this mag- 
nanimous resolution, during which his house was 
besieged by the rabble, and menaces and clamor- 
Dus revilings exhausted to no purpose. And now 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 511 

another course was adopted to soothe, if possible, 
his mighty ire. A procession was formed by the 
burgomasters and schepens, followed by the pop- 
ulace, to bear the capitulation in state to the gov- 
ernor's dwelling. They found the castle strongly 
barricadoed, and the old hero in full regimentals, 
with his cocked hat on his head, posted with a 
blunderbuss at the garret-window. 

There was something in this formidable posi- 
tion that struck even the ignoble vul^-ar with awe 
and admiration. The brawhng multitude could 
not but reflect with self-abasement upon their 
own pusillanimous conduct, when they beheld 
their hardy but deserted old governor, thus faith- 
ful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully pre- 
pared to defend his ungrateful city to the last. 
These compunctions, however, were soon over 
whelmed by the recurring tide of public appre- 
hension. The populace arranged themselves be- 
fore the house, taking off their hats with most 
respectful humility; Burgomaster Roerback, who 
was of that popular class of orators described by 
Sallust as being " talkative rather than eloquent," 
stepped forth and addressed the governor in a 
speech of three hours' length, detailing, in the 
most pathetic terms, the calamitous situation of 
the province, and urgmg him in a constant repe 
tition of the same aro^uments and words to sisra 
the capitulation. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his garret 
window in grim silence, — now and then his eye 
would glance over the surrounding rabble, and 
an indignant grin, like that of an angry mastifl^ 



512 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

would mark his iron visage. But thougli a man 
of most undaunted mettle, — tliough lie had a 
heart as big as an ox, and a head tliat would 
have set adamant to scorn, — yet after all he was 
a mere mortal. Wearied out by these repeated 
oppositions, and this eternal haranguing, and per- 
ceiving that unless he complied, the iuliabilantd 
would follow their own inclination, or rather 
their fears, without waiting for his consent, or, 
what was still worse, the Yankees would have 
time to pour in their forces and claim a share 
in the conquest, he testily ordered them to hand 
up the paper. It was accordingly hoisted to him 
on the end of a pole ; and having scrawled his 
name at the bottom of it, he anathematized them 
all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate 
poltroons, threw the capitulation at their heads, 
slammed down the window, and was heard 
stumping down-stairs with vehement indignation. 
The rabble incontinently took to their heels ; even 
the buro-omasters were not slow in evacuating; the 
premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue 
from his den, and greet them with some unwel 
come testimonial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a le- 
gion of British beef-fed warriors poured into New 
Amsterdam, taking possession of the fort and 
batteries. And now might be heard, from aU 
quarters, the sound of hammers made by the old 
Dutch burghers, in nailing up their doors and 
windows, to protect their vrouws from these fierce 
barbarians, whom they contemplated in silent sul- 
lenness from the garret-windows as they paraded 
through the streets. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 513 

Thus did Colonel Richard Nichols, the com- 
mander of the British forces, enter into quiet 
possession of the conquered realm as locum tenens 
for the Duke of York. The victory was attended 
with no other outrage than that of changing the 
name of the province and its metropolis, which 
thenceforth were denominated New York, and 
so have contumed to be called unto the present 
day. The uihabitants, according to treaty, were 
allowed to maintain quiet possession of their 
property ; but so inveterately did they retain 
their abhorrence of the British nation, that in a 
private meeting of the leading citizens it was 
unanimously determined never to ask any of their 
conquerors to dinner. 

Note. — Modern historians assert that when the New Neth- 
erlands were thus overrun by the British, as Spain in ancient 
days by the Saracens, a resolute band refused to bend tJie neck 
to the invader. Led by one Garret Van Home, a valorous 
and gigantic Dutchman, they crossed the bay and buried 
themselves among the marshes and cabbage-gardens of Com- 
munipaw ; as did Pelayo and his followers among the moun- 
tains of Asturias. Here their descendants have remained ever 
since, keeping themselves apart, like seed-corn, to re-people 
the city with the genuine breed whenever it shall be eflec- 
tuallv recovered from its intruders. \t is said the genuine 
descendants of the Nederlanders who inhabit New York, still 
look with longing eyes to the green marshes of ancient Pavo- 
flia, as did the conquered Spaniards of yore to the stern moun- 
tains of Asturias, considering these the regions whence deliv 
e ranee is to come. 



3a 



514 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 




CHAPTER Xn. 

lOHTAINma THE DIGNIFIED RETIREMENT, AND MORTAL SURBENDBB 01 
PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 

'HITS, then, have I concluded this great 
historical enterprise ; but before I lay 
aside my weary pen, there yf t remains 
to be performed one pious duty. If among the 
variety of readers Avho may peruse this book, 
there should haply be found any of those souls 
of true nobility, which glow with celestial fire as 
the history of the generous and the brave, they 
will doubtless be anxious to know the fate of the 
gallant Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify one such 
sterling heart of gold I would go more lengths 
than to instruct the cold-blooded curiosity of a 
whole fraternity of philosophers. 

No sooner had that high -mettled cavalier 
signed the articles of capitulation, than, deter- 
mined not to witness the humiliation of his favor- 
ite city, he turned his back on its walls and made 
a growling retreat to his houwerij, or country-seat, 
which was situated about two miles off; where 
he passed the remauider of his days in patriarchal 
retirement. There he enjoync' that tranquillity 
of mind which he had never Iviiown amid the 
distracting cares of government ; and tasted the 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 515 

sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authority, 
which his ftictious subjects had so often diished 
with the bitterness of opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit 
tlie citjz^; on the contrary, he would always have 
his great arm-chair placed with its back to the 
windows which looked in that direction, until a 
lliick grove of trees planted by his own hand 
grew up and formed a screen that effectually 
excluded it from the prospect. He railed contin- 
ually at the degenerate imiovations and improve- 
ments introduced by the conquerors ; forbade a 
word of theu* detested language to be spoken in 
liis family, — a prohibition readily obeyed, since 
none of the household could speak anythmg but 
Dutch, — and even ordered a fine avenue to be 
cut down in front of liis house because it con- 
sisted of English cherry-trees. 

The same incessant vigilance, which blazed 
forth when he had a vast province under his care, 
now showed itself with equal vigor, though in 
narrower limits. He patrolled with miceasing 
watchfulness the boundaries of liis little territory ; 
repelled every encroachment with intrepid prompt- 
ness ; punished every vagrant depredation upon 
liis orchard or his farm-yard with inflexible se- 
verity ; and conducted every stray hog or cow 
in triumph to the pound. But to the indigent 
neighbor, the friendless stranger, or the weary 
wanderer, his spacious doors were ever open, 
and his capacious fireplace, that emblem of his 
own warm and generous heart, had always a cor- 
aer to receive and cherish them. There was jjo 



516 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

exception to this, I must confess, in case the ill- 
starred applicant were an Englishman or a Yan- 
kee ; to wliom, though he might extend the hand 
of a.ssi3tance, he could never be brought to yield 
the rites of hospitality. Nay, if peradventurc 
some straggling merchant of the East should stop 
at his door, with his cart-load of tin ware or 
wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth 
like a giant from his castle, and make such a 
furious clattering among his pots and kettles, that 
the vender of " notions " was fain to betake him- 
self to mstant flight. 

His suit of regimentals, worn thi'eadbare by 
the brush, were cai*efully hung up hi the state 
bed-chamber, and regularly aired the first fair 
day of every month ; and his cocked hat and 
trusty sword were suspended in grim repose over 
the parlor mantelpiece, formmg supporters to a 
full - length portrait of the renowned Admiral 
Van Tromp. In his domestic empire he main- 
tained strict discipline and a well-organized des- 
potic government ; but though his own will was 
the supreme law, yet the good of his subjects 
was his constant object. He watched over, not 
merely theii immediate comforts, but their morals, 
and their ultimate welfare ; for he gave them 
abundance of excellent admonition, nor could any 
of them complain, that, when occasion required, 
he was by any means niggardly in bestowing 
wholesome correction. 

Tlie good old Dutch festivals, those periodical 
demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a 
thankful spirit, which ai*e falling into sad disusf 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 517 

among my fellow-citizens, were faithfully observed 
in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. New- 
Year was truly a day of open-handed liberality, 
of jocmid revelry, and warm-hearted congratu- 
lation, when tlie bosom swelled with genial good- 
fellowship, and the plenteous table was attended 
with an unceremonious freedom, and honest broad- 
mouthed merriment, unknown in these days of 
degeneracy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter 
were scrupulously observed throughout his do 
minions ; nor was the day of St, Nicholas suffered 
to pass by, without making presents, hanging the 
stocking in the chimney, and complying with aU 
its other ceremonies. 

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used 
to array himself in full regimentals, being the 
anniversary of his triumphal entry into New 
Amsterdam, after the conquest of New Sweden. 
This was always a kind of satm^nalia among the 
domestics, when they considered tiiemselves at 
liberty, in some measure, to say and do what they 
pleased ; for on this day their master was alway? 
observed to unbend, and become exceeding pleas- 
ant and jocose, sending the old gray-headed ne- 
groes on April-fool's errands for pigeon's milk ; 
not one of whom but allo\ved himself to be 
taken in, and humored his old master's jokes, 
as became a faithful and well-disciplined depend- 
uit. Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully 
9n his own land — injuring no man — envying 
no man — molested by no outward strifes — per- 
plexed by no hiternal cfimmotions ; — and the 
mighty monarchs of tlie eartli, wlio were vainly 



518 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

seeking to maintain peace, dnd promote the wel- 
fare of mankind, by war and desolation, would 
have done well to have made a voyage to the 
little island of Manna-hata, and learned a lesson 
in gov^ernment from the domestic economy of 
Peter Stuyvesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor 
like all other children of mortality, began to 
exhibit evident tokens of decay. Like an aged 
oak, which, though it long has braved the fury 
of the elements, and still retains its gigantic pro- 
portions, begins to shake and groan with every 
blast — so was it with the gallant Peter ; for 
though he still bore the port and semblance of 
what he was in the days of his hardlliood and 
chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to sap 
the vigor of his frame, — but his heart, that un- 
conquerable citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. 
With matchless avidity would he listen to every 
article of intellisrence concerning; the battles be- 
tween the English and Dutch, — still would his 
pulse beat high whenever he heard of the vic- 
tories of De Ruyter, and his countenance lower, 
and his eyebrows knit, when fortune turned in 
favor of the Enfxlish. At leno^th, as on a certain 
day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was 
napping after dinner, in his arm-chair, conquer- 
ing the wliole Britisli nation in his dreams, he 
was suddenly aroused by a ringing of bells, rat- 
tling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that put 
all his blood in a ferment. But when lie learnt 
that these I'cjoiciiigs wen; in honor of a great 
vicU)ry obtained by the combined English and 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 519 

French fleets over the brave De Ruyter, and 
the younger Van Tromp, it went so much to his 
heart, that he took to his bed, and in less than 
three days was brought to death's door, by a 
violent cholera morbus ! Even in this extremity 
he still displayed the unconquerable spirit of 
Peter the Headstrong ; holding out to the last 
gasp, with inflexible obstinacy, against a whole 
army of old women Avho were bent upon driving 
the enemy out of his bowels, in the true Dutch 
mode of defence, by inundation. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of 
dissolution, news was brought him that the brave 
De Ruyter had made good his retreat, with little 
loss, and meant once more to meet the enemy 
in battle. The closing eye of the old warrior 
kindled with martial fire at the words, — he 
partly raised himself in bed, — clinched his with- 
ered hand, as if he felt within his gripe that 
sword which waved in triumph before the walls 
of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile of 
exultation, sank back upon his pillow, and ex- 
pired. 

Tims died Peter Stuyvesant, — a valiant sol- 
dier — a loyal subject — an upright governor, 
and an honest Dutchman, — who wanted only a 
few empires to desolate, to have been immortal- 
ized as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the 
utmost grandeur and solemnity. The town was 
perfectly emptied of its inhabitants, who crowded 
•n throngs to pay the last sad honors to their good 
old goverroi". All his sterling qualities rushed 



52C HISTORY OF i\E\V YORK. 

in full tide upon their recollection, while the 
memory of his foibles and his faults had expired 
with him. The ancient burghei'S contended who 
should have the privilege of bearing the pall ; 
the populace strove who should walk nearest to 
the bier; and the melancholy procession was 
cloaed by a number of gray-headed negroes, who 
had wintered and summered in the household of 
their departed master for the greater part of a 
century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances, the multi- 
tude gathered round the grave. They dwelt 
with mournful hearts on the sturdy virtues, the 
signal services, and the gallant exploits of the 
brave old worthy. They recalled, with secret 
upbraidings, their own factious oppositions to his 
government; and many an ancient l)urgher, whose 
phlegmatic features had never been known to re- 
lax, nor his eyes to moisten, was now observed to 
puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal 
down his cheek, while he muttered, with affec- 
tionate accent, and melancholy shake of the head 
— " Well, den ! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone at 
last ! " 

His remains were deposited in the family vault, 
under a chapel which he had piously erected on 
his estate, and dedicated to St. Nicholas, — and 
which stood on the identical spot at present occu- 
pied by St. Mark's churcli, where his tombstone 
is still to be seen. His estate, or houwery, as it 
was called, has ever continued in the possession 
of his descendants, who, by the uniform integi'ity 
of their conduct, and their strict adherence to the 



ni STORY OF NEW YORK. 521 

customs and manners that prevailed in the '' good 
old times" have proved themselves worthy of 
their illustrious ancestor. Many a time and oft 
has the farm been haunted at night by enterpris- 
ing money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold, said 
to have been buried by the old governor, though 
I cannot learn that any of them have ever been 
enriched by their researches ; and who is there, 
among my native-born fellow-citizens, tliat does 
not remember when, in the mischievous days of 
his boyhood, he conceived it a great exploit to 
rob " Stuyvesant's orchard " on a holiday after- 
noon ? 

At this stronghold of the family may still be 
seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. 
His full-length portrait frowns in martial terrors 
from the parlor-wall ; his cocked hat an|^ sword 
still hang up in the best liedroom ; liis brim- 
stone-colored breeches were for a lono; while sus- 
pended in the hall, until some years since they 
occasioned a dispute between a new -married 
couple ; and his silver-mounted wooden leg is 
still treasured up in the store-room, {is aii ijivaU 
uable relique. 



itiS0 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK 



CHAPTER Xni. 

tDB AUTHOE's reflections UPON WHAT HAS BEEN SAID. 

^^^^MONG the numerous events, which arc 
^^^^ each in their turn the most direful and 
$«^j)© melancholy of all possible occurrences, 
m your interesting and authentic history, there is 
none that occasions such deep and heart-rending 
grief as the decline and fall of your renowiied 
and mighty empires. Where is the reader wlio 
can coi^emplate without emotion the disastrous 
events by which the great dynasties of the Avorld 
have l)een extinguished ? While wandermg, in 
imagination, among the gigantic ruins of states 
and empires, and marking the tremendous convul- 
sions that wrought their overthi"ow, the bosom 
of the melancholy inquirer SAvells with sympa- 
thy commensurate to the surrounding desolation. 
Kingdoms, principalities, and powers, have each 
had their rise, their progress, and their downfall, 
— each in its turn has swayed a })otent sceptre, — 
each has returned to its primeval nothingness. 
And thus did it fare with the eifipirc of their 
High INIiglitinesses, at the INIanliattoes, under the 
peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter, the fret- 
ful reign of William the Testy, and the chivah'Io 
reijifn ol" Peter the Headstrong. 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 523 

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and wor- 
tliy of being pondered over attentively, for it is 
by thus raking among the ashes of departed great- 
ness, that the sparks of true knowledge are to be 
found, and the lamp of wisdom illuminated. Let 
then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn 
agauist yielding to that sleek, contented security, 
and tiuit overweeiiins^ fondness for comfort and 
repose, which are produced by a state of prosper- 
ity and peace. Tiiese tend to unnerve a nation ; 
to destroy its pride of character ; to render it 
patient of insult ; deaf to the calls of honor and 
of justice ; and cause it to cling to peace, like the 
sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of every 
valuable duty and consideration. Such supine- 
ness insures the very evil from which it shrinks. 
One right yielded up produces the usurpation of 
a second ; one encroachment passively suffered 
makes way for another ; and the nation which 
thus, through a doting love of peace, has sacri- 
ficed honor and interest, -will at length have to 
lidit for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy 
serve as a salutarv warnino; aijainst that fitful, 
feverish mode of legislation, whicli acts witliouf 
system ; depends on si lifts and projects, and trusts 
to lucky contingencies. AVhich liesitates, and 
^^•avers, and at length decides with the rashnessK 
of ignorance and imbecility. Wliich stoops for 
pojndarity by courting the prejudices and flatter- 
ing the arrogance, rather than commanding the 
respect of the rabble. Which seeks safety in a 
multitude of counsellors, and distracts itself by a 



524 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

variety of contradictory schemes and opinions. 
Wliich mistakes procrastination for wariness — 
hurry for decision — parsimony for economy — 
bustle for business — and vaporing for valor. 
Whi(»li is violent in council, sanguine in expec- 
tation, precipitate in action, and feeble in execu- 
tion. AVhich undertakes enterprises without fore- 
thought, enters upon them without preparation, 
conducts them witliout energy, and ends them 
in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show 
the effe(;ts of vigor and decision even when des- 
titute of cool judgment, and surrounded by per- 
plexities. Let it show how frankness, probity, 
and high-souled courage will command respect, 
and secure honor, even where success is unattain- 
able. But at the same time, let * it caution 
against a too ready I'eliance on the good faith 
of others, and a too honest confidence in the 
loving professions of powerful neigliljors, who are 
most friendly when they most m(\an to betray. 
Let it teach a judicious attention to the opin- 
ions and wishes of the many, who, in times of 
peril, nuist be soothed and led, or a])])reliension 
will overpower the deference to autliority. 

Let the empty wordiness of his factious sul)- 
jects ; their intemperate harangues ; tlieir vio- 
lent " resolutions " ; their hectorings against an 
absent enemy, and their pusiUanimity on his ap- 
proach, teach us to distrust and des})ise those 
clamorous patriots whose courage dwells but in 
the tongue. Let them seive as a lesson to re- 
press that insolence of speech, destitute of real 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 525 

force, which too often breaks forth in popular 
bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather than the 
spirit of a nation. Let them caution us against 
vaunting too much of our own power and prow- 
ess, and revihng a noble enemy. True gallantry 
of soul Avould always lead us to treat a foe with 
courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary conduct 
.but takes from the merit of victory, and renders 
defeat doubly disgraceful. 

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excel- 
lent examples to be drawn from the ancient 
clu'onicles of the Manhattoes. He who reads 
attentively will discover the threads of gold which 
run throughout the web of history, and are in- 
visible to the dull eye of ignorance. But, before 
I conclude, let me point out a solemn warning, 
furnished in the subtle chain of events by which 
the capture of Fort Casimir has produced the 
present convulsions of our globe. 

Attend tlien, gentle reader, to this plain deduc- 
tion, which, if thou art a king, an emperor, or 
other powerful potentate, I advise thee to treas- 
ure up m thy heart, — though little expectation 
have I that my work shall fall into such hands, 
for well I know the care of crafty ministers, to 
keep all grave and edifying books of the kmd 
dut of the way of unhappy monarchs — lest pcr- 
ddventure they should read them and learn 
wisdom. 

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir, 
then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient 
tiiumph ; but drew upon their heads the ven- 
geance of Peter Stuyv?5ant, who wrested all 



526 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

New Sweden from their hands. By the con- 
quest of New Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused 
the claims of Lord Baltimore, who appealed to 
the Cabinet of Great ]5ritain ; who subdued the 
whole province of New Netherlands. By this 
gi'eat achievement the whole extent of North 
America, from Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was 
rendered one entire dependency upon the British. 
cro\vn. — But mark the consequence : the hith- 
erto scattered colonies being thus consolidated, 
and having no rival colonies to check or keep 
them in awe, waxed great and powerful, and 
finally becoming too strong for the mother-coun- 
try, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and by 
a glorious revolution became an independent em- 
pu*e. But the chain of effects stopped not here : 
the successful revolution in America produced 
the sanguinary revolution in France ; which pro- 
duced the puissant Bonaparte ; who produced the 
French despotism ; which has thrown the whole 
world in confusion ! Thus have these great pow- 
ers been successively punished for then- ill-starred 
conquests ; and thus, as I asserted, have all the 
present convulsions, revolutions, and disasters that 
overwhelm mankind, originated in the capture of 
the little Fort Casinur, as recorded in this event- 
ful history. 

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad 
farewell, — which, alas ! must be forever, — will- 
ingly Avould I part in cordial fellowship, and 
bespeak thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I 
have not written a better history of the days of 
tiie patriarchs is not my fault •• had any othei 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 527 

person written one as good, I should not liavre 
attempted it at all. That many will hereafter 
spring np and surpass me in excellence, I have 
very little doubt, and still less care ; well know- 
ing that, when the great Chris to vallo Colon (who 
is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood hia 
^oo ^^poi^ its end, every one at table could stand 
his up a thousand times more dexterously. Should 
any reader find matter of offence in this history, 
I should heartily grieve, though I would on n& 
account question his penetration by telhng him 
he was mistaken — his good-nature by telling 
him he was captious — or his pure conscience by 
telling him he, was startled at a shadow. Surelj' 
when so ingenious in finding offence where none 
was intended, it were a thousand pities he should 
not be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his dis 
covery. 

I have too high an opinion of the understanding 
of my fellow-citizens, to think of yielding theixt 
instruction, and I covet too much their good-will, 
to forfeit it by giving ihem good advice. I am 
none of those cynics who despise the w^orld, be- 
cause it despises them : on the contrary, though 
but low in its regard, I look up to it with the 
most perfect good-nature, and my only sorrow 
is, that it does not prove itself more worthy of 
the unbounded love I bear it. If, however, in 
this my historic production — the scanty fruit 
of a long and laborious life — I have failed to 
gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can only 
lament my misfortune — for it is too late in the 
season for me even to hope to repair it. Already 



I 






528 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

has withering age showered his sterile snows upcn 
my brow ; in a little while, and this genial 
warmth which still lingers around my heart, and 
throbs — worthy reader — throbs kindly towards 
thyself, will be chilled forever. Haply this frail 
compound of dust, which A\hile alive may have 
given birth to naught but unprofitable Aveeds, 
may form a humble sod of the valley, whence 
may spring many a sweet wild flower, to adoni 
my beloved island of ^lanna-hata ! 



THE Binx 



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